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Fuck you.
No, seriously.
Fuck you.
Hell, not just fuck you. Fuck you, your family, your cousins, your cousins' friends, your friends, your friends' cousins, people who pass you in the mall, people who talk to you, people who have sex with you, people who think about having sex with you, people who are nice to you, the horse you rode in on, the horse cousins of the horse you rode in on, the horse friends of the horse you rode in on, the horse cousins of the horse friends of the horse you rode in on, John Elway, your parents for bringing you into this world and raising you, your teachers for training you, apparently very badly, your company for doing what it did (see below), the car you drove in in, the guy who sold you the car you drove in in, the horse trailer that you used to tow the horse you rode in on behind the car you drove in in, and your podiatrist. Fuck the lot of you.
WHY, you ask?
Well, let's see:
1. The new computer system you sold us is the biggest piece of crap in the history of computer systems.
2. The new computer system you sold us is the biggest piece of crap in the history of pieces of crap.
3. It does exactly none of the hundreds of things you promised us it would do.
4. It crashes. A lot. Even more than the system it replaced, that you convinced my bosses it was better than.
5. It's slow. How slow? There was a meeting between snails, molasses, James May (aka "Captain Slow"), senior citizen drivers, the post office, the DMV, the 405 Freeway in Los Angeles, golf carts, Edsels, Yugos, quicksand, Winnebagos, and Peyton Manning, and they came to the conclusion that your system is too damn slow.
6. It sucks. It takes forever to program, and once it's programmed, it still doesn't work right, with bad credit card readers, orders that simply disappear for no reason, discounts that even when saved don't always stay in the order, and overall simply myopic ways of doing things. The boys at our previous system were charging a lot for their new version, and frankly, I wish my management would have paid it, because their old, slow, unreliable system that we had was superior to your allegedly new, allegedly fast, allegedly reliable, allegedly state of the art system in every single way.
7. You suck. You guys designed and programmed the fucker, and even you can't figure out what's wrong when it goes belly up. Which it does as often as Lindsay Lohan goes down on law enforcement personnel to get out of her latest ticket/scandal/fuckup/felony drug charges.
I could go on and on (the gods know I could!), but today was the absolute pinnacle of Suckitude. The entire DAY your system could not do a fucking thing, going down repeatedly, making it necessary for my coworkers in the afternoon to hand write tickets for their party of SIXTY. Why? Because your idiotic lameass system was not sending shit to the kitchen.
Sadly, the day shift had it easy by comparison. Because come happy hour, not only couldn't we get shit to the kitchen, we couldn't even print out checks for our guests.
And then it got even nastier. Because not only could we not print out checks for our guests, we couldn't even get into the system to add to checks or to start new checks. The last SIX checks I worked, I did by hand and collected cash for, since a credit card was not an option since I couldn't open a new check, add to the new check, print the new check, close the new check, or run a credit card for the new check.
For the first time in my FIVE YEARS of working at the bar, I actually do not know if my drawer balanced at the end of the night, as I had to give the drawer to my manager with the written list of stuff that needed to be rung in and cashed out (that I had collected cash for), and my manager couldn't even do my comps.
I told my coworker that you lot should be taken to the middle of the street and beaten publicly. My coworker suggested we do it with the monitors of the computer system you morons installed. I told her she was being too nice, and if it were up to me, the beatings would be done with two by fours studded with rusty nails.
I have no doubt that you are worthy human beings and have many talents. But clearly those talents have absolutely not a fucking thing to do with computers, let alone restaurant computer systems. You and your ilk make me want to bring back the stockades, public floggings, and execution holidays.
In closing, I hope you get genital herpes, not only on your privates, but also on your face. I hope your children grow up to perform in donkey shows in Mexico. I hope your loved ones develop itches in places they can't scratch. I curse you and your brood, and wish you nothing but the worst. I look forward to the day you are justly punished for your crimes against our establishment by being forced to watch the entire Twilight series repeatedly, with your eyes forced open, and a rabid epileptic porcupine in your lap.
Why yes, folks, today DID suck. Why ever do you ask?
No, seriously.
Fuck you.
Hell, not just fuck you. Fuck you, your family, your cousins, your cousins' friends, your friends, your friends' cousins, people who pass you in the mall, people who talk to you, people who have sex with you, people who think about having sex with you, people who are nice to you, the horse you rode in on, the horse cousins of the horse you rode in on, the horse friends of the horse you rode in on, the horse cousins of the horse friends of the horse you rode in on, John Elway, your parents for bringing you into this world and raising you, your teachers for training you, apparently very badly, your company for doing what it did (see below), the car you drove in in, the guy who sold you the car you drove in in, the horse trailer that you used to tow the horse you rode in on behind the car you drove in in, and your podiatrist. Fuck the lot of you.
WHY, you ask?
Well, let's see:
1. The new computer system you sold us is the biggest piece of crap in the history of computer systems.
2. The new computer system you sold us is the biggest piece of crap in the history of pieces of crap.
3. It does exactly none of the hundreds of things you promised us it would do.
4. It crashes. A lot. Even more than the system it replaced, that you convinced my bosses it was better than.
5. It's slow. How slow? There was a meeting between snails, molasses, James May (aka "Captain Slow"), senior citizen drivers, the post office, the DMV, the 405 Freeway in Los Angeles, golf carts, Edsels, Yugos, quicksand, Winnebagos, and Peyton Manning, and they came to the conclusion that your system is too damn slow.
6. It sucks. It takes forever to program, and once it's programmed, it still doesn't work right, with bad credit card readers, orders that simply disappear for no reason, discounts that even when saved don't always stay in the order, and overall simply myopic ways of doing things. The boys at our previous system were charging a lot for their new version, and frankly, I wish my management would have paid it, because their old, slow, unreliable system that we had was superior to your allegedly new, allegedly fast, allegedly reliable, allegedly state of the art system in every single way.
7. You suck. You guys designed and programmed the fucker, and even you can't figure out what's wrong when it goes belly up. Which it does as often as Lindsay Lohan goes down on law enforcement personnel to get out of her latest ticket/scandal/fuckup/felony drug charges.
I could go on and on (the gods know I could!), but today was the absolute pinnacle of Suckitude. The entire DAY your system could not do a fucking thing, going down repeatedly, making it necessary for my coworkers in the afternoon to hand write tickets for their party of SIXTY. Why? Because your idiotic lameass system was not sending shit to the kitchen.
Sadly, the day shift had it easy by comparison. Because come happy hour, not only couldn't we get shit to the kitchen, we couldn't even print out checks for our guests.
And then it got even nastier. Because not only could we not print out checks for our guests, we couldn't even get into the system to add to checks or to start new checks. The last SIX checks I worked, I did by hand and collected cash for, since a credit card was not an option since I couldn't open a new check, add to the new check, print the new check, close the new check, or run a credit card for the new check.
For the first time in my FIVE YEARS of working at the bar, I actually do not know if my drawer balanced at the end of the night, as I had to give the drawer to my manager with the written list of stuff that needed to be rung in and cashed out (that I had collected cash for), and my manager couldn't even do my comps.
I told my coworker that you lot should be taken to the middle of the street and beaten publicly. My coworker suggested we do it with the monitors of the computer system you morons installed. I told her she was being too nice, and if it were up to me, the beatings would be done with two by fours studded with rusty nails.
I have no doubt that you are worthy human beings and have many talents. But clearly those talents have absolutely not a fucking thing to do with computers, let alone restaurant computer systems. You and your ilk make me want to bring back the stockades, public floggings, and execution holidays.
In closing, I hope you get genital herpes, not only on your privates, but also on your face. I hope your children grow up to perform in donkey shows in Mexico. I hope your loved ones develop itches in places they can't scratch. I curse you and your brood, and wish you nothing but the worst. I look forward to the day you are justly punished for your crimes against our establishment by being forced to watch the entire Twilight series repeatedly, with your eyes forced open, and a rabid epileptic porcupine in your lap.
Why yes, folks, today DID suck. Why ever do you ask?
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