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...if you really want me to take my time resolving your problems, at least those problems that don't involve a rubber room, a straight jacket, baby food and lots and lots of psychotropic drugs..
I caught a couple of doozies at Flowers O Suck today.
Scenario of Suck #1
First call of the day..
SA - Stalker Assclown, you'll soon see why I named him this.
Me - Filled with pills till I rattle while this fool rattles on.
Me - Thank you for calling, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, how may I help you?
SA - Yeah, I wanna speak to Vice President Ms So-n-so RIGHT NOW!
Me - Sir, I am sorry but that's not possible. I cannot transfer your call to the VP of Operations office. Now, how may I help you?
SA - Well, you're just as useless as tits on a boar hog ain't you? I keep getting the run around by everyone at your company and no one will help me (pronounce 'hep')
Me - Sir, why don't you explain the situation, why you need to speak with Ms So-n-so and perhaps I can help with with whatever is going on.
Now at this point I'm thinking what I usually think, I have a histrionic customer, if I apologize enough, listen to the customer vent, get down in writing what the problem is I can usually solve it and smooth down the ruffled customer enough so that everyone satisfied and the situation is resolved.
SA - goes off into a long rant about the evils of our company and how we ripped him off. Basically his problem is that he ordered his momma our cheapest arrangement online, didn't read the line that says "actual components may vary" which means one florist might put in more carnations or another more astrolameria and it might not be exactly as shown and is pissed because it wasn't identical to the "piccture" Demanding 100% refund, which is not possible because the arrangement was delivered on the day specified and it was delivered to value. He's spoken to everyone who's ever answered a phone there. He claims that there is no Ms So-n-so at our office, that its all an evil conspiracy to keep his thirty bucks.
But that's not the creepy, sad, sick, fail part. He has called over 300 times in a month's time, and emailed the VP 75+ times!?!?!? over this 30 buck set of flowers?!?! Mister, it's only flowers, move on~
I hand the VP his message and she says, "Good I'm in a shitty mood and I'm about to tear this stalker a new one.." Never did find out what happened but I'm betting it was not pleasant.
Scenario of Suck #2
Me - Obviously
SC - Old Miss Heyyouwannalayme
Me - Thank you for calling, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, how may I help you?
SC - Yes, are you also Lizas Flowers and Flowers Sucked Tomorrow and Death Flowers R Us?
Me - Yes, yes we trade under a variety of names. How may I help you today?
SC - Wellll, I spoke to a couple of your coworkers today and tried to order a Plumeria or Hibiscus Lei. They wouldn't help me. I DO NOT WANT an Orchid Lei.
I explain to the snooty sounding older lady that a) Leis are considered custom orders and take up to four days to get and b) we only carnation or orchid leis. She demands to know the exact dimensions and I explain that because these are custom orders it's up to the florist to decide how many flowers will go in and what the size will be. You cannot run down to the 7-11 stateside and get custom leis just like that. She goes off on a long ramble rant about how she's an expert on all things Hawaiian after living there and we better not be trying to pull off some scam on her because she knows exactly how big they are supposed to be and what they are made of.
SC - How much for a Plumeria or Hibiscus lei?
Me - 'big sigh' We only do carnation or orchid.
SC - But I want Plumeria or Hibiscus! How much?
Me - Ma'am, I cannot give you a price on an item we do not carry. Not only that Plumeria is usually imported from warmer climes than the mainland US so the availability might be limited since it's just starting to flower. Hibiscus is out of the question as the blossoms tend to wilt within hours of being harvested from the plant. I doubt we could even custom order either one. It's carnations or orchids only.
SC - Yes, but I demand you give a price for a Plumeria or Hibiscus lei. If you can't do it put me through to your manager RIGHT NOW! You don't know how to treat GOOOD CUSTOMERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By this time I've looked up her name and see she's bought from us just once in ten years and it was a cheap arrangement. She's wasting my time and yanking my chain.
Me - It's not possible to transfer you to a manager. Please hold.
So I put the old lady on hold, go out into the sales floor and talk to the three other people she mentioned talking to with the supervisor and we decide we really do not want this hateful bag's business.
Me - Ma'am. I'm sorry we are not going to be able to accommodate your request in any form and I'm not going to waste any more of the company's time telling you repeatedly that we do not carry this item.
SC - bellowing now - so what am I supposed to do now?
Me - You might try our competitor STD. Have a nice day. .... Click!
Scenario of Suck #3
Me - Obviously
SC - Self important Doctor with heavy foreign accent.
Me - Thank you for calling, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, how may I help you?
SC - Oooooooohhhh... I very angry, VERY angry.
Me - (calm and placid) And how may I direct your call today thinking I was about to put her into the customer service queue for a call back
SC - Order number 'spits out number so fast in such a heavy accent I ask her to repeat it three times" You charge me, you charge me, you charge me....lots of sputtering, spitting and unintelligible gibberish.
Me - And whom am I speaking with today?
SC - Yells out long Russian name at speed of light, again I ask her to slow down and to spell the name.
Me - How may I help you today?
SC - goes off into long ranty speech laced with Russian profanity (which I understood!!!) that she's a doctor, pronounced 'Dock-Thor!!, and we're wasting her valuable time, yaadda, yadda.. lonnnnnnnnng rant and I still could not figure out what she wanted. Turns out she had ordered flowers for a certain NYC famous artist to be delivered by noon and that they were not there because she called FAMOUS ARTIST and he never mentioned flowers so now we're ruined the lifes of her Important Dockthorhood and the Famous Amerikan Artiste..
While all this is being rattled off rapidly in a heavy accent I am continually asking her the questions I need to ask to help her with her problem. She refuses to give me her telephone number because "I am an IMPORTANT DOCKTHOR!!!" She starts chewing me out, calling me horrid and horrible and says I am a total incompetent that she's going to sue for wasting her valuable Dockthor time and impugning her reputation in the eyes of the Famous Amerikan Artiste.
I finally had to cut her off and explain I am only asking these questions so I can help her with her order. She gets louder and stupider so I tell her to a) have a wonderful day and b) call me when she can talk like a rational human being without a potty mouth.
BTW the artist she was attempting to send flowers to was Leroy Nieman, who strikes me as too cool to have fantards like her.
I caught a couple of doozies at Flowers O Suck today.
Scenario of Suck #1
First call of the day..
SA - Stalker Assclown, you'll soon see why I named him this.
Me - Filled with pills till I rattle while this fool rattles on.
Me - Thank you for calling, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, how may I help you?
SA - Yeah, I wanna speak to Vice President Ms So-n-so RIGHT NOW!
Me - Sir, I am sorry but that's not possible. I cannot transfer your call to the VP of Operations office. Now, how may I help you?
SA - Well, you're just as useless as tits on a boar hog ain't you? I keep getting the run around by everyone at your company and no one will help me (pronounce 'hep')
Me - Sir, why don't you explain the situation, why you need to speak with Ms So-n-so and perhaps I can help with with whatever is going on.
Now at this point I'm thinking what I usually think, I have a histrionic customer, if I apologize enough, listen to the customer vent, get down in writing what the problem is I can usually solve it and smooth down the ruffled customer enough so that everyone satisfied and the situation is resolved.
SA - goes off into a long rant about the evils of our company and how we ripped him off. Basically his problem is that he ordered his momma our cheapest arrangement online, didn't read the line that says "actual components may vary" which means one florist might put in more carnations or another more astrolameria and it might not be exactly as shown and is pissed because it wasn't identical to the "piccture" Demanding 100% refund, which is not possible because the arrangement was delivered on the day specified and it was delivered to value. He's spoken to everyone who's ever answered a phone there. He claims that there is no Ms So-n-so at our office, that its all an evil conspiracy to keep his thirty bucks.
But that's not the creepy, sad, sick, fail part. He has called over 300 times in a month's time, and emailed the VP 75+ times!?!?!? over this 30 buck set of flowers?!?! Mister, it's only flowers, move on~
I hand the VP his message and she says, "Good I'm in a shitty mood and I'm about to tear this stalker a new one.." Never did find out what happened but I'm betting it was not pleasant.
Scenario of Suck #2
Me - Obviously
SC - Old Miss Heyyouwannalayme
Me - Thank you for calling, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, how may I help you?
SC - Yes, are you also Lizas Flowers and Flowers Sucked Tomorrow and Death Flowers R Us?
Me - Yes, yes we trade under a variety of names. How may I help you today?
SC - Wellll, I spoke to a couple of your coworkers today and tried to order a Plumeria or Hibiscus Lei. They wouldn't help me. I DO NOT WANT an Orchid Lei.
I explain to the snooty sounding older lady that a) Leis are considered custom orders and take up to four days to get and b) we only carnation or orchid leis. She demands to know the exact dimensions and I explain that because these are custom orders it's up to the florist to decide how many flowers will go in and what the size will be. You cannot run down to the 7-11 stateside and get custom leis just like that. She goes off on a long ramble rant about how she's an expert on all things Hawaiian after living there and we better not be trying to pull off some scam on her because she knows exactly how big they are supposed to be and what they are made of.
SC - How much for a Plumeria or Hibiscus lei?
Me - 'big sigh' We only do carnation or orchid.
SC - But I want Plumeria or Hibiscus! How much?
Me - Ma'am, I cannot give you a price on an item we do not carry. Not only that Plumeria is usually imported from warmer climes than the mainland US so the availability might be limited since it's just starting to flower. Hibiscus is out of the question as the blossoms tend to wilt within hours of being harvested from the plant. I doubt we could even custom order either one. It's carnations or orchids only.
SC - Yes, but I demand you give a price for a Plumeria or Hibiscus lei. If you can't do it put me through to your manager RIGHT NOW! You don't know how to treat GOOOD CUSTOMERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By this time I've looked up her name and see she's bought from us just once in ten years and it was a cheap arrangement. She's wasting my time and yanking my chain.
Me - It's not possible to transfer you to a manager. Please hold.
So I put the old lady on hold, go out into the sales floor and talk to the three other people she mentioned talking to with the supervisor and we decide we really do not want this hateful bag's business.
Me - Ma'am. I'm sorry we are not going to be able to accommodate your request in any form and I'm not going to waste any more of the company's time telling you repeatedly that we do not carry this item.
SC - bellowing now - so what am I supposed to do now?
Me - You might try our competitor STD. Have a nice day. .... Click!
Scenario of Suck #3
Me - Obviously
SC - Self important Doctor with heavy foreign accent.
Me - Thank you for calling, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, how may I help you?
SC - Oooooooohhhh... I very angry, VERY angry.
Me - (calm and placid) And how may I direct your call today thinking I was about to put her into the customer service queue for a call back
SC - Order number 'spits out number so fast in such a heavy accent I ask her to repeat it three times" You charge me, you charge me, you charge me....lots of sputtering, spitting and unintelligible gibberish.
Me - And whom am I speaking with today?
SC - Yells out long Russian name at speed of light, again I ask her to slow down and to spell the name.
Me - How may I help you today?
SC - goes off into long ranty speech laced with Russian profanity (which I understood!!!
) that she's a doctor, pronounced 'Dock-Thor!!, and we're wasting her valuable time, yaadda, yadda.. lonnnnnnnnng rant and I still could not figure out what she wanted. Turns out she had ordered flowers for a certain NYC famous artist to be delivered by noon and that they were not there because she called FAMOUS ARTIST and he never mentioned flowers so now we're ruined the lifes of her Important Dockthorhood and the Famous Amerikan Artiste..While all this is being rattled off rapidly in a heavy accent I am continually asking her the questions I need to ask to help her with her problem. She refuses to give me her telephone number because "I am an IMPORTANT DOCKTHOR!!!" She starts chewing me out, calling me horrid and horrible and says I am a total incompetent that she's going to sue for wasting her valuable Dockthor time and impugning her reputation in the eyes of the Famous Amerikan Artiste.
I finally had to cut her off and explain I am only asking these questions so I can help her with her order. She gets louder and stupider so I tell her to a) have a wonderful day and b) call me when she can talk like a rational human being without a potty mouth.
BTW the artist she was attempting to send flowers to was Leroy Nieman, who strikes me as too cool to have fantards like her.
I think I would've hung up on this rude git at this point. I hate being called rude names when I'm trying to help someone.
Would've loved to have been a fly on that wall...!
Really? Your competitors are STDs?
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