No Sir....No Sir...I Am Not Lying!

[Interior Desecrator]

Some people must just have selective hearing when they use the phone. We have a printing company in town with a very similar name. Despite the fact that I always answer the phone with, "XYZ Cabinets, this is Desecrator," I still get people trying to order paper, prints, etc. I love it when they sound confused. "Isn't this XYZ Printing?" Nope! And I just told you that 30 seconds ago.

What really kills me, though, are the people who try to fax us on our phone line. I do so love hearing high-pitched beeping when I answer the phone! Now, I understand mixing the two numbers up. I've done it before, but it usually only takes one or two attempts before I realize my mistake. The annoying people are the ones who try to send a fax every five minutes for an hour or two, and never think to call us and ask the real fax number. (It's happened before. Talk about wasting my time!) This also happens with the automated fax spammers sometimes. Not fun!

[tangrid]

Alright, I've got a couple of wrong number stories I can share. I've had a few while I was at work, but nothing really consistent. The best ones were at home.

While I was living in Reno (there're a lot of illegal immigrants there), I had this friend who was going to school for Electrical Engineering. Bright guy, bad people skills. Anyway, we were at my apartment playing D&D one day when he gets a phone call:

EES: Electrical Engineering Student
SHG: Some Hispanic Guy
Me: Er... yours truly (I took 6 years of spanish, as a bit of background)

EES: Hello?
SHG: Puedo hablar con Manuel?
EES: What?
SHG: Manuel esta alli?
EES: No, no Manuel.
SHG: Manuel?
EES: Please stop calling me, I've told you before, Manuel doesn't live here.
SHG: *hangs up*

We all shared a laugh about this, and got back to gaming. About 30 minutes later, the phone rings:

EES: Hello?
SHG: Manuel?
EES: Not again...
SHG: Donde esta Manuel?
Me: *laughing* Gimme the phone, man.
EES: *handing me the phone* Ok, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't speak any English.
Me: Hola
SHG: Esta Manuel alli?
Me: No, no hay Manuel a este numero. Es el telephono de un Gringo (sp?).
SHG: Manuel no se vive alli?
Me: No, nunca.
SHG: Gracias *hangs up*

Apparently this guy had been calling for weeks, and couldn't figure out that nobody who spoke spanish lived there. We had a pretty good laugh about it, but come on.


The other one is where I live now. I'm currently roommates with an old friend of mine, who happens to live on a small ranch (called the Lonely Rooster Ranch, because his parents thought it would be funny when they so named it). Our home phone number is one digit off from that of Quizno's, so we get calls all the time, where people will rattle off their orders before we can say 3 words. So, we started having some fun with it. Here're some of the better lines we use when answering the phone now:

Joe's 24-hour Taxidermy, you've got the animal, we've got the sand.

Welcome to Goodburger, home of the Goodburger, can I take your ooooorder?

Hello? *screaming as an aside* No! You can't let the kids out of the cage again, do you wanna spend 4 hours cleaning the walls? I didn't think so!

Quiznos! *take order and wonder how long it'll be before they call back*

We try out other ones, but these seem to get the funniest reactions. I didn't even know Quizno's delivered, but apparently they do. It's amazing how you can spout off your introductory line "Lonely Rooster Ranch, how can I help you?", and people will just totally ignore it unless it's something shocking... Ah, well, it's free entertainment.

[XCashier]

Joe's 24-hour Taxidermy, you've got the animal, we've got the sand.

"You snuff it, we stuff it!"

[AriRashkae]

I used to answer my old home phone with "Hildegarde's Whorehouse, head madam speaking." Keep in mind I didn't have caller ID.

People who knew me (including my boss) just . People who didn't (including telemarketers) would just .

I had fun.

[Jester]

"Jester's Funeral Home. You stab 'em, we slab 'em!"

Yes, it's old, but it's still a classic!

[Broomjockey]

I had a manager who would answer internal calls with any and all of those, but I think my fav was "Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it." Though "City Morgue, you stab 'em we slab 'em" was second. I miss that manager. Best part of that job

[Nayeli_Sabia]

My parents moved and got a new number... a guy from jail kept trying to call. Apparently his GF didn't give him her new number, and we got her old one.

Best ever though was one I answered at my home


M=Me
D=Distrustful mom

M:Hello this Nayeli!
D:Can I talk to Jennifer?
M:I'm sorry no one with the name Jennifer lives here, Wr...
D:WHAT???SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS GOING TO BE AT THIS NUMBER! WHERE IS SHE??
M:Umm.... I think you've got the wrong number
D:That can't be, let me talk to Cassey.
M:There is no Cassey here
D:Well what number did I call?*huff*
M:555-76...
D:Oh, sorry *click*

Yeah lady.





My highschool senior history teacher would answer his phone "Larry's house of porn! How can I service you today?"

[protege]

When I was in college, and living in the dorms, sometimes I'd answer the hall phone as "Martin's scrapyard...you maul it, we haul it." I'm sure several people went

[DGoddessChardonnay]

My late aunt used to answer the phone "Joe's Pool Hall, Eight-Ball speaking."

If it were a family member, we'd all be pretty much I'm sure anyone who mis-dialed her number would have had a slightly different reaction.

[Tito]

"Well, then, you were given the wrong number!" Like, duh.

It was tempting, trust me!

At my last job, I had a co-worker who would sometimes answer internal calls like that. My favorite was, 'Fitchville Fertilizer (sp????) Farm. If it stinks, we stock it!"

[Argabarga]

While we're on the subject of cute answers to wrong numbers....


City Ambulance Company, You plug em', we lug em'

[Andara Bledin]

Now, I understand mixing the two numbers up. I've done it before, but it usually only takes one or two attempts before I realize my mistake. The annoying people are the ones who try to send a fax every five minutes for an hour or two, and never think to call us and ask the real fax number.

Most modern fax machines will try to send a fax anywhere from 1 to 6 times, possibly more, before giving up. My work is supposed to have all of our machines set at 4, because sometimes the other side is busy for a while. Also, our machines are supposed to be turned up so you can hear a wrong number, but I know the sales office never listens to theirs, so if they mis-dialed the number, the person on the other side would get the same fax call 4 times in a row. We've done that to people's cell phones and they're always pissed. I would be, too.

Now that we do most of our faxing through our quote/order system and the computers, we almost never have that problem.

^-.-^

[Lady Heather]

If I could...

Best line ever! I got to watch my friend do this.
=Evil Friend
I.O.P.=Idiot on Phone

: Pussy's Palace. (pause for it to sink in)

I.O.P.: What! Who am I speaking to!?! Who is this!?!

: Pussy's Palace Pet Store sir. What did you think I said? (Sober voice, no giggling)

I.O.P.: Oh, wrong number. Sorry. (Click)

[Technetium]

I used to have the message on my cell phone set to a soundclip from Invader Zim. People that misdialed didn't often leave messages or call back after hearing someone scream "they took my squeezing arm! Why my squeezing arm? AAAGSGHHH!!" Bonus points were that no one from work wanted to call me except my direct supervisor, who always had a laugh because she loves Zim.

Also, I love customers that have to confirm our location at the end of the call. I start off by saying "hello, you've reached *city name* *store name*". I would love to think the whole *city name* part is totally unnecessary, as we are the only store from our chain for hundreds of miles, but still.. people want to make sure we're on XYZ street, as if there's some chance of us suddenly shifting. What makes it really sad is that they probably got the number from our website or one of our vendors, which lists every location and its address..

[smileyeagle1021]

Oh, I get idiots all day long on the phone

me: "thank you for calling the reservation desk at (insert name of hotel that forwarded the call), this is the smileyeagle speaking, how can I help you?"
idiot: "yes, is this reservations for (insert name of another hotel in a completely different chain)"
me: "no, i'm at (inset name of hotel again)"
idiot: "oh, can you tell me what the availability and rate would be at (the hotel they should be calling)?"
me: *start wrapping my phone cord around my neck hoping it is strong enough that it doesn't break when I try to hang myself with it*