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Dog Sled Prophet
Finally, my week is over....
A Rather Large Dilemma
Me: "and what's the problem?"
SC: "Alberta"
I think the problem at hand is far beyond the scope of my capabilities. Perhaps you should enlist the assistance of an extensive sleeper cell or rogue nuclear state. They would be better equipped to assist you in dismantling the prairies.
Catastrophe!
SC: "Can you send someone to come help me find my remote control?"
Oh wow, I think that wins the award for the single most insignificant problem I have ever had someone call for on this line. My hat is off to you ma'am. You are our new championship title holder. Sadly I was unprepared for this momentous event and do not have any sort of championship belt or trophy on hand to award you with. However, if you give me a few minutes I'm sure I can construct one from the bread rolls left over in the break room. They've achieved a density akin to depleted uranium so they should make a dandy belt once I string them together with some tape.
( Don't ask about the bread rolls. They've been sitting in there for days. You could use them to hammer in nails. )
3:34am
"You guys are still open?"
No. The fact that you sound surprised irritates me since it seems to indicate that you called despite the fact you thought we were closed. Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you were technically right. The bad news is we've established the level of your intellect and I'm afraid no-name brand raisin bran cereal beat you. Its also delicious with milk and part of a complete breakfast. Unlike you.
Shock & Awe
( Property management emergency line.....2:30ish am )
SC: "I got a letter from you guys about my hydro-"
Psst! Hey….over here. Yeah, you. C'mere for a sec, I have a hot tip for you….ok, now, look around the room. Do you see a window? Yeah? Ok, drag your knuckles over to the window and look outside. What do you see? Not a lot right? Its pretty dark, isn't it? Do you know why? Because its NIGHT TIME. Do you know what happens to most stores, offices and other places of business at night time? They close! Yeah! Amazing isn't it! Despite your flawed belief, there is in fact no one at the office who stays there 24/7 just in case you call.
I know, it’s a shock. It may take a while to sink in. Take a deep breath if you have to. Do you need a hug?
Oh For Crying Out Loud
SC: "This gift certificate, what's it for?"
Me: "HMV"
SC: "HMV? What's that? What does the H stand for?"
Me: "It’s a store. They sell music, movies, etc."
SC: "Oh, so I can use this certificate to buy music?"
Me: "…yes."
SC: "Can I use it to buy service at <extremely expensive luxury car dealership>?"
Me: "…no."
SC: "So just HMV?"
Me: "Yes"
SC: "Where's HMV?"
Me: "…..<twitch>"
Ok, first of all, before I delve any deeper into this issue let me just say that you sir, are a fantastical moron. With that out of the way, let us continue: It’s a $20 gift certificate. What in the same hell do you think you can get at <extremely expensive luxury car dealership> for $20? I don't think that would even buy you a key chain. Maybe a replacement cap for the air nozzle on your back left tire? For $20 one of the sales reps might pat you on the back in a jovial manner.
I hate you so much. Feel that warm, tingly spot on the back your neck? That's me. Hating you from afar.
( Hint: Rhymes with "Percedes Mends" )
Problem Solving
( Property management line.. )
Me: "and what's your address?"
SC: "I live at….uh…."
Oh come on, don't give up on me this early. The reason you called was specifically because you had a problem with where you live. You're missing the single most obvious, and important, piece of information required. So do me a favour: Put the phone down, go find a piece of mail or lewd bathroom graffiti with your address on it, write it down ( As always, crayon ), then come back.
If you can't find either of those then please go downstairs, go outside, stand in front of your building and look around and see if you can spot a set of big, blatantly obvious numbers. See em? Good, now, scrawl that down. Next up, wander down to the end of the street. But don't talk to anyone on your way, I'd hate to be personally responsible for inflicting you on another human being. Once you get to the corner, look up at the sign and write down what it says. It should have some bizarre, unusual terms on it like "St" or "Ave". I know they're intimidating but don't worry, they're harmless.
Now come ba-….ah to Hell with this. See the street next to you? Walk about half way out into it and lay down. Now just stay there for a while and eventually both of our problems will be taken care of.
Yes, I am a problem solver.
867
Me: "What's your postal code?"
SC: "Uh……HEY WHATS OUR POSTAL CODE?!"
<insert someone in the background mumbling the answer.>
Ok, why is it you all seem to have someone in the background that’s vaguely more intelligent then you that actually knows the answers to my questions? Why can't you put THAT person on the line? In fact I demand to speak to whomever that half tanked, whiskey soaked dog sled prophet is in the background that seems to be universally present in every community of northern Canada. Who is this mystery man? Does he travel from village to village dispensing unrivaled wisdom like area codes, postal codes and last names? What fantastical piece of insight does this man possess? A phone book?
You know I have a phone book AND road map at home. If I moved north I could be a god.
Thus ends my week.
A Rather Large Dilemma
Me: "and what's the problem?"
SC: "Alberta"
I think the problem at hand is far beyond the scope of my capabilities. Perhaps you should enlist the assistance of an extensive sleeper cell or rogue nuclear state. They would be better equipped to assist you in dismantling the prairies.
Catastrophe!
SC: "Can you send someone to come help me find my remote control?"
Oh wow, I think that wins the award for the single most insignificant problem I have ever had someone call for on this line. My hat is off to you ma'am. You are our new championship title holder. Sadly I was unprepared for this momentous event and do not have any sort of championship belt or trophy on hand to award you with. However, if you give me a few minutes I'm sure I can construct one from the bread rolls left over in the break room. They've achieved a density akin to depleted uranium so they should make a dandy belt once I string them together with some tape.
( Don't ask about the bread rolls. They've been sitting in there for days. You could use them to hammer in nails. )
3:34am
"You guys are still open?"
No. The fact that you sound surprised irritates me since it seems to indicate that you called despite the fact you thought we were closed. Well, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you were technically right. The bad news is we've established the level of your intellect and I'm afraid no-name brand raisin bran cereal beat you. Its also delicious with milk and part of a complete breakfast. Unlike you.
Shock & Awe
( Property management emergency line.....2:30ish am )
SC: "I got a letter from you guys about my hydro-"
Psst! Hey….over here. Yeah, you. C'mere for a sec, I have a hot tip for you….ok, now, look around the room. Do you see a window? Yeah? Ok, drag your knuckles over to the window and look outside. What do you see? Not a lot right? Its pretty dark, isn't it? Do you know why? Because its NIGHT TIME. Do you know what happens to most stores, offices and other places of business at night time? They close! Yeah! Amazing isn't it! Despite your flawed belief, there is in fact no one at the office who stays there 24/7 just in case you call.
I know, it’s a shock. It may take a while to sink in. Take a deep breath if you have to. Do you need a hug?
Oh For Crying Out Loud
SC: "This gift certificate, what's it for?"
Me: "HMV"
SC: "HMV? What's that? What does the H stand for?"
Me: "It’s a store. They sell music, movies, etc."
SC: "Oh, so I can use this certificate to buy music?"
Me: "…yes."
SC: "Can I use it to buy service at <extremely expensive luxury car dealership>?"
Me: "…no."
SC: "So just HMV?"
Me: "Yes"
SC: "Where's HMV?"
Me: "…..<twitch>"
Ok, first of all, before I delve any deeper into this issue let me just say that you sir, are a fantastical moron. With that out of the way, let us continue: It’s a $20 gift certificate. What in the same hell do you think you can get at <extremely expensive luxury car dealership> for $20? I don't think that would even buy you a key chain. Maybe a replacement cap for the air nozzle on your back left tire? For $20 one of the sales reps might pat you on the back in a jovial manner.
I hate you so much. Feel that warm, tingly spot on the back your neck? That's me. Hating you from afar.
( Hint: Rhymes with "Percedes Mends" )
Problem Solving
( Property management line.. )
Me: "and what's your address?"
SC: "I live at….uh…."
Oh come on, don't give up on me this early. The reason you called was specifically because you had a problem with where you live. You're missing the single most obvious, and important, piece of information required. So do me a favour: Put the phone down, go find a piece of mail or lewd bathroom graffiti with your address on it, write it down ( As always, crayon ), then come back.
If you can't find either of those then please go downstairs, go outside, stand in front of your building and look around and see if you can spot a set of big, blatantly obvious numbers. See em? Good, now, scrawl that down. Next up, wander down to the end of the street. But don't talk to anyone on your way, I'd hate to be personally responsible for inflicting you on another human being. Once you get to the corner, look up at the sign and write down what it says. It should have some bizarre, unusual terms on it like "St" or "Ave". I know they're intimidating but don't worry, they're harmless.
Now come ba-….ah to Hell with this. See the street next to you? Walk about half way out into it and lay down. Now just stay there for a while and eventually both of our problems will be taken care of.
Yes, I am a problem solver.
867
Me: "What's your postal code?"
SC: "Uh……HEY WHATS OUR POSTAL CODE?!"
<insert someone in the background mumbling the answer.>
Ok, why is it you all seem to have someone in the background that’s vaguely more intelligent then you that actually knows the answers to my questions? Why can't you put THAT person on the line? In fact I demand to speak to whomever that half tanked, whiskey soaked dog sled prophet is in the background that seems to be universally present in every community of northern Canada. Who is this mystery man? Does he travel from village to village dispensing unrivaled wisdom like area codes, postal codes and last names? What fantastical piece of insight does this man possess? A phone book?
You know I have a phone book AND road map at home. If I moved north I could be a god.
Thus ends my week.
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