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Dear (not dear at all) customers:
Stop assuming things. Stoppit. It does you no good, because we don't go by what you assume, we go by what the quote that you supposedly checked and definitely agreed to says. For Example:
Lady, I know that you "naturally assumed" that if you picked Option B we would automatically take that to mean you also wanted Attached Widgets. I know this because you told me that about fifteen times in the course of a (fairly short) phone conversation, and I remember how your voice dripped with utter contempt and condescension as you did it. You spoke to me as if I was a particularly slow child and you pitied my lack of common sense, and now you had to reprimand me for doing something foolish when you "naturally assumed" I should have known better.
Well, if we're going to talk about people who should have known better, only a complete whackadoodle commits to paying multiple thousands of dollars for something without reading the fracking quote sheet that details what we are agreeing to do for you! And since I pulled up the (non-editable) copy we have of your quote sheet out of our records, I can definitively state that you agreed to pay $XXXX for half a dozen Thingies that have Option B (which you asked for) and do not have Attached Widgets (which you did not ask for).
Oh, you "naturally assumed" that anyone who picked Option B would of course also want Attached Widgets? Why did you do that? I see, you thought they would want Attached Widget Y because nobody would ever think of performing the action that Option B makes possible without using an Attached Widget to do it. You "naturally assumed" that we would default to adding Attached Widgets to the orders of every single person who asked for Option B.
No. No, we do not do that. You know why? Because Attached Widgets cost about $25-$30 extra per Thingy. People would be a tad pissed off at us if we stuck things that they didn't ask for onto their bills, then expected them to pay for it. And in fact, while you do use the Attached Widget to perform the action that Option B makes possible, the vast majority of people who want Option B still don't buy it. They perform that action by hand. (The savages!
) So our default is to not put Widgets on without asking, because it's the default that won't get people justifiably angry with us. (As you proved, it gets twerps like you unjustifiably angry with us, but then we have paperwork to bludgeon you with.)
I was nice. I apologised for the misunderstanding, and I was polite when I pointed out that your quote sheet proved it was your misunderstanding. (I didn't put it like that,
but I read her the words!) I said I would see what we could do.
My boss was nice. He offered to send Minion B out to modify your half-dozen Thingies to incorporate Attached Widgets (which would take at least a couple of hours) and charge only $20 each for parts, waiving the labor cost, so that you would in fact get your precious Widgets cheaper than if you'd bleepin' well asked for them in the first place.
You refused. Your terribly essential Widgets that you wouldn't dream of having Option B without were not essential enough to pay a total of $120 for (a tiny amount compared to the $XXXX you already paid, for a job that I humbly submit was done freakin' awesomely). You snarled that you weren't going to give us any more money, and hung up on me.
...Y'know, I have the sneaking suspicion that you knew perfectly well all along that you hadn't asked for the Widgets, but you wanted to see if you could get them for free. :roll eyes:
No love,
Valentinian.
For Another Example:
Rude Dude's assumption was a little less obvious than Lady With Widgets' assumption. In his case, he assumed that he is always right, and that everyone else is a drooling incompetent just waiting to foul things up if he doesn't ride their ass.
Rude Dude wants a Stick Thing made. It needs to be X+Y meters long in total, and it needs to have a bend in it, and the bend needs to be here, and the left arm needs to be X meters long, and the right arm needs to be Y meters long, and are we writing this down? Because it has to be accurate! No, he will not have the Boss go out to measure how long the Stick Thing must be, because he does not trust us. He has measured where it must go and his numbers are perfect! He'll draw us a diagram, because he doubts we're competent enough to get it right. Are we paying attention? This is the diagram! It shows exactly how he wants the Stick Thing to be made! It is very important that we follow the diagram precisely, because he doesn't trust us to get it right if we just go off and wing it!
Stick Thing Version #1 is not good enough! The left arm is X meters long, correct, but the right arm is Y meters plus 1.2 cm long! This is unacceptable! Do we actually know how to do our jobs?! It's a simple task! WHARRRRGARBLE!!!!
(Actually, if you take an object that is X+Y long, and you put a quarter-circle bend in it at the imaginary spot between X and Y, and then you measure the two 'arms' from each end to an imaginary point that would exist if the curve was actually a sharp right angle, you will not get X plus Y. You will get X plus Y plus a little bit more that sneaks in when the curved object cuts the corner. This is normal, 99.999% of our customers don't care - if they even notice - and believe me, this is not an object that needs to be precise to the millimetre.)
Well, Rude Dude insists that we must make it again. It must be precise! To the millimetre! He's going to check! Do we have that diagram he drew for us? The diagram is God! Follow the diagram! And check to see that it's right this time before calling him to come get it! How slack do you have to be to not check your work?! We need to do our jobs right for once, instead of farting around--
At this point, Awesome Coworker K cuts in on his tirade and coldly informs him that he needs to calm down and stop being rude or she will refuse to deal with him.
Rude Dude is taken aback! He insists that he was not being rude at all!
K informs him that he was in fact being rude, it was completely unnecessary, and she will not put up with it. Rude Dude deflates marginally and sails off in a snit, throwing a snappy parting shot over his shoulder. K continues being awesome.
Minion B makes Stick Thing Version #2. It is precise. It takes a lot longer than it is really worth and involves a lot of fiddling and trimming and measuring.
Rude Dude comes to pick it up, and spends about ten minutes measuring the darn thing in fifteen different ways, picking it up, waving it around, flailing his tape measure up and down and huffing under his breath about how he has to check it because weeeee got the last one wroooooonnnnng and he won't accept it if it's wrooooooonnnng. K ignores his passive-aggressive bullshit. Rude Dude is finally satisfied that his precious Stick Thing Version #2 is perfect and stomps off.
Cut to a day later, when Rude Dude's Wife brings Stick Thing Version #2 back. My goodness, says K, whatever is the problem? Rude Dude said it was fine!
Ah. Yes. That's the thing, says Rude Dude's Wife. The dimensions are technically correct, but it's been built upside-down. The left arm should have been Y meters long, and the right arm should have been X meters long, not the other way around.
Well, says K, it is correct according to the diagram. This diagram right here. This diagram that your husband drew and insisted we follow. (YOUR HUSBAND who is presumably so embarrassed by his previous insistence that we are incompetents and must do exactly what he says that he is refusing to show his face!)
Let us not point fingers of blame, says Rude Dude's Wife. The important thing is that we need a Stick Thing Version #3.
Well, says K, since this is demonstrably not our error and we produced exactly what you asked us for, if you want a new Stick Thing Version #3, you will have to pay for it. We will not remake it for free the way we did Stick Thing Version #2.
But can you not just un-bend and re-bend this one, asks Rude Dude's Wife?
No. No, we can not, says K.
Well, surely you can re-use some of the fittings and therefore we should not have to pay full price again, says Rude Dude's Wife.
That is up to the Boss to decide, says K, and valiantly restrains her laughter and gloating until Rude Dude's Wife has left.
We predict that we will never see Rude Dude again.
Stop assuming things. Stoppit. It does you no good, because we don't go by what you assume, we go by what the quote that you supposedly checked and definitely agreed to says. For Example:
Lady, I know that you "naturally assumed" that if you picked Option B we would automatically take that to mean you also wanted Attached Widgets. I know this because you told me that about fifteen times in the course of a (fairly short) phone conversation, and I remember how your voice dripped with utter contempt and condescension as you did it. You spoke to me as if I was a particularly slow child and you pitied my lack of common sense, and now you had to reprimand me for doing something foolish when you "naturally assumed" I should have known better.
Well, if we're going to talk about people who should have known better, only a complete whackadoodle commits to paying multiple thousands of dollars for something without reading the fracking quote sheet that details what we are agreeing to do for you! And since I pulled up the (non-editable) copy we have of your quote sheet out of our records, I can definitively state that you agreed to pay $XXXX for half a dozen Thingies that have Option B (which you asked for) and do not have Attached Widgets (which you did not ask for).
Oh, you "naturally assumed" that anyone who picked Option B would of course also want Attached Widgets? Why did you do that? I see, you thought they would want Attached Widget Y because nobody would ever think of performing the action that Option B makes possible without using an Attached Widget to do it. You "naturally assumed" that we would default to adding Attached Widgets to the orders of every single person who asked for Option B.
No. No, we do not do that. You know why? Because Attached Widgets cost about $25-$30 extra per Thingy. People would be a tad pissed off at us if we stuck things that they didn't ask for onto their bills, then expected them to pay for it. And in fact, while you do use the Attached Widget to perform the action that Option B makes possible, the vast majority of people who want Option B still don't buy it. They perform that action by hand. (The savages!
) So our default is to not put Widgets on without asking, because it's the default that won't get people justifiably angry with us. (As you proved, it gets twerps like you unjustifiably angry with us, but then we have paperwork to bludgeon you with.)I was nice. I apologised for the misunderstanding, and I was polite when I pointed out that your quote sheet proved it was your misunderstanding. (I didn't put it like that,
but I read her the words!) I said I would see what we could do.My boss was nice. He offered to send Minion B out to modify your half-dozen Thingies to incorporate Attached Widgets (which would take at least a couple of hours) and charge only $20 each for parts, waiving the labor cost, so that you would in fact get your precious Widgets cheaper than if you'd bleepin' well asked for them in the first place.
You refused. Your terribly essential Widgets that you wouldn't dream of having Option B without were not essential enough to pay a total of $120 for (a tiny amount compared to the $XXXX you already paid, for a job that I humbly submit was done freakin' awesomely). You snarled that you weren't going to give us any more money, and hung up on me.
...Y'know, I have the sneaking suspicion that you knew perfectly well all along that you hadn't asked for the Widgets, but you wanted to see if you could get them for free. :roll eyes:
No love,
Valentinian.
For Another Example:
Rude Dude's assumption was a little less obvious than Lady With Widgets' assumption. In his case, he assumed that he is always right, and that everyone else is a drooling incompetent just waiting to foul things up if he doesn't ride their ass.
Rude Dude wants a Stick Thing made. It needs to be X+Y meters long in total, and it needs to have a bend in it, and the bend needs to be here, and the left arm needs to be X meters long, and the right arm needs to be Y meters long, and are we writing this down? Because it has to be accurate! No, he will not have the Boss go out to measure how long the Stick Thing must be, because he does not trust us. He has measured where it must go and his numbers are perfect! He'll draw us a diagram, because he doubts we're competent enough to get it right. Are we paying attention? This is the diagram! It shows exactly how he wants the Stick Thing to be made! It is very important that we follow the diagram precisely, because he doesn't trust us to get it right if we just go off and wing it!
Stick Thing Version #1 is not good enough! The left arm is X meters long, correct, but the right arm is Y meters plus 1.2 cm long! This is unacceptable! Do we actually know how to do our jobs?! It's a simple task! WHARRRRGARBLE!!!!
(Actually, if you take an object that is X+Y long, and you put a quarter-circle bend in it at the imaginary spot between X and Y, and then you measure the two 'arms' from each end to an imaginary point that would exist if the curve was actually a sharp right angle, you will not get X plus Y. You will get X plus Y plus a little bit more that sneaks in when the curved object cuts the corner. This is normal, 99.999% of our customers don't care - if they even notice - and believe me, this is not an object that needs to be precise to the millimetre.)
Well, Rude Dude insists that we must make it again. It must be precise! To the millimetre! He's going to check! Do we have that diagram he drew for us? The diagram is God! Follow the diagram! And check to see that it's right this time before calling him to come get it! How slack do you have to be to not check your work?! We need to do our jobs right for once, instead of farting around--
At this point, Awesome Coworker K cuts in on his tirade and coldly informs him that he needs to calm down and stop being rude or she will refuse to deal with him.
Rude Dude is taken aback! He insists that he was not being rude at all!
K informs him that he was in fact being rude, it was completely unnecessary, and she will not put up with it. Rude Dude deflates marginally and sails off in a snit, throwing a snappy parting shot over his shoulder. K continues being awesome.
Minion B makes Stick Thing Version #2. It is precise. It takes a lot longer than it is really worth and involves a lot of fiddling and trimming and measuring.
Rude Dude comes to pick it up, and spends about ten minutes measuring the darn thing in fifteen different ways, picking it up, waving it around, flailing his tape measure up and down and huffing under his breath about how he has to check it because weeeee got the last one wroooooonnnnng and he won't accept it if it's wrooooooonnnng. K ignores his passive-aggressive bullshit. Rude Dude is finally satisfied that his precious Stick Thing Version #2 is perfect and stomps off.
Cut to a day later, when Rude Dude's Wife brings Stick Thing Version #2 back. My goodness, says K, whatever is the problem? Rude Dude said it was fine!
Ah. Yes. That's the thing, says Rude Dude's Wife. The dimensions are technically correct, but it's been built upside-down. The left arm should have been Y meters long, and the right arm should have been X meters long, not the other way around.
Well, says K, it is correct according to the diagram. This diagram right here. This diagram that your husband drew and insisted we follow. (YOUR HUSBAND who is presumably so embarrassed by his previous insistence that we are incompetents and must do exactly what he says that he is refusing to show his face!)
Let us not point fingers of blame, says Rude Dude's Wife. The important thing is that we need a Stick Thing Version #3.
Well, says K, since this is demonstrably not our error and we produced exactly what you asked us for, if you want a new Stick Thing Version #3, you will have to pay for it. We will not remake it for free the way we did Stick Thing Version #2.
But can you not just un-bend and re-bend this one, asks Rude Dude's Wife?
No. No, we can not, says K.
Well, surely you can re-use some of the fittings and therefore we should not have to pay full price again, says Rude Dude's Wife.
That is up to the Boss to decide, says K, and valiantly restrains her laughter and gloating until Rude Dude's Wife has left.
We predict that we will never see Rude Dude again.
Kudos to you for standing your ground and demanding payment for this idiot's mistake/total remake, though!
And we do enjoy verbally sporking the bad ones when nobody else is around!
Ah. Well. It can be a bit tricky. Do you have Important Thing?
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