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The Show With Everything By IAmCable

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  • The Show With Everything By IAmCable

    Before I get into this, I'm the first to admit I've had an unpaid bill or two (or more) in my life. At those times, though, I still had enough self-awareness to know that I wasn't in the best negotiating position.

    A lot of customers suck, and they suck in many different ways. Today, I managed to have one customer who managed to suck in every possible way. It's the perfect sucky customer story.

    Playing dumb

    Customer: Is there an outage in my area?
    Me: No, there's no cable outage. You're been shut off for non-payment.
    Customer: Huh?
    Me: You've been shut off for non-payment. You have a past due balance of $xxx.xx.
    Customer: Huh?
    Me: [Repeats.]
    Customer: I guess that's possible.

    The check is in the mail

    Customer: I'm sure I mailed a check. Maybe you guys lost it.
    Me: You can check with your bank to see if they've cashed it.

    Let's make a deal

    Customer: I'll tell you what. I'll pay the past due balance, but I won't pay the reconnect fee. I'm certain you can waive it.
    Me: Let me check. [Briefly consults with a supervisor. She's had the fee waived before. It's not going to happen again. So sayeth the supervisor.]. Unfortunately, because you've been in this situation several times before and we've waived the fee, we're not going to do it again.

    Are you calling me a liar?

    Customer: I've never had my cable shut off before.
    Me: According to our records, this is the second time this year. And twice in 2005.
    Customer: I've never had my cable shut off ever.
    Me: I'm just going by the records.
    Customer: I'm totally insulted.

    Your company sucks...

    Customer: You know, I've noticed that at least six houses on my block have satellite dishes. I think I know why.

    ... And so do its employees...

    Customer: As if the cable service isn't bad enough, the employees aren't much, either.

    ... Especially when it comes to their best customers. (Bring on the attitude!)

    Customer: While you're looking so closely at my records, perhaps you could also find a moment to notice I'm one of your best customers.
    Me: The bottom line is this -- we'll need the past due balance and the reconnect charge before we can turn the service back on.

    No more Ms. Nicewoman

    Customer: Okay. I've had enough of this. I'm sure when I was on hold a few moments ago, you consulted with one of your little co-workers...

    Bring on the Cable Fairy

    Customer: Now I obviously need to speak to a supervisor.
    Me: I've already been over the account with a supervisor. We're not going to waive the reconnect fee.
    Customer: I insist on talking to a supervisor.
    Me: I can see if one's available, but it's not likely. We're very busy today.
    Customer: You said you just talked to one.
    Me: I did. He's moved on to helping someone else.
    Customer: I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist.
    Me: I'll see what I can do. [Predictably, the supervisors were all busy.] Sorry. The best I can do is take down your name and pass it along for someone to call you back.
    Customer: I need my cable turned on now. I'll wait for as long as it takes.
    Me: No. As I've said, we're very busy. I have to move on to other things now. I've told you what I can do. Is there anything else I can help you with?

    When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro

    Customer: So, you're telling me there's a time limit for how long I can wait?
    Me: I'm saying that we've reached the point where nothing more can be done on this call.
    Customer: So what is that time limit?
    Me: There's no time limit. There's just a time to move on.
    Customer: And what time is that, in minutes and seconds?
    Me: Huh?

    The cops are going to come down there and make you turn my cable on

    Customer: I need to precisely how long I'm allowed to wait to talk to a supervisor. I'm willing to wait as long it takes. You're telling me there's a time limit for how long I can wait. My attorney will want to know what that limit is.
    Me: Is there anything else I can help you with?
    Customer: Don't give me that crap. Answer my question. I need that information. I also need to know how many employees are working at this moment. And I need to know how many supervisors you have working at this moment. My attorney will want to know this. Maybe even the Attorney General of this state.
    Me: It's your attorney's job to gather the facts. I really need to end this call now. Thank you for calling....

    And then I left a note on the account: PER SUPERVISOR [name] DO NOT WAIVE RECONNECT FEE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

    Epilogue: The Sales Cadet

    Part of our job is to sell cable stuff. Because we get commissions, some people there can't be bothered to do anything but sell. If you call and tell them your house burnt down, they'll use it as an opportunity to sell you a digital box. The good news for sucky customers is that the Sales Cadets aren't going to get into pissing contests with customers.

    So, the woman called back, and within thirty seconds had her reconnect fee waived.
    "I don't want any part of your crazy cult! I'm already a member of the public library and that's good enough for me, thanks!"

    ~TechSmith 314
    HellGate: London
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