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  • *SIGH*

    Jeez.

    You may remember that I asked for advice about an upcoming face-to-face meeting with a guy I met online last year. He came here almost a week ago.

    I met with him on Friday.

    We met at a very popular place, with a lot of people around. Very good. He seemed to like the place - there's always, always someone to talk to there, and the atmosphere is very friendly and vibrant.

    We talked about this and that, and he began peppering me with questions. Increasingly personal ones, too, relating to why I'm here, whether I think I'll ever move back to the States, and on and on and ON. Just about every answer I gave (and I wonder, now, why I didn't refuse to answer him) was met with a look of disbelief and an attitude of "Well, I can't imagine doing that."

    Oh, and here's a good one. I met him through a dating site for childfree people. I mentioned this - the benefits of not having children. He said, "Well, I don't know. It could happen."

    Uh, WHAT? If you're open to having children, why in the holy fuck did you create a profile on a dating site that is specifically and exclusively for people who don't have children, don't want children, and will not have children?

    I was relieved that I had an appointment, so that eventually, I would be able to leave. He suggested getting a bite to eat. I was up for that, and suggested a good ethnic restaurant nearby.

    Oh, but he didn't want that particular food.

    I suggested another ethnic restaurant that is just across the street from the first one.

    Oh, but restaurants such as that are everywhere in the city where he lives.

    He suggested another option - this country's traditional fare - and I pointed out that I can get that food anytime. I suggested a compromise, which did seem to interest him, but by that point, there wasn't enough time to go anywhere for food.

    On our way out of the venue, he told me to wait for him; he wanted to talk to someone for "a minute". I paid for my order and waited. He finally showed up, and we left. He wanted to know how to buy public transportation tickets, and I had offered to show him how the machines work.

    We walked past a store.

    "What's this? Oh - do they have snacks in there? Really? Give me thirty seconds."

    Now, of course, I wish I had just walked off and left him there. But I waited.

    He didn't take too long, fortunately, but definitely more than the thirty-second time frame he mentioned.

    We went to the nearest machine where he could buy tickets, and I showed him how to use them. He asked me one question after another, with time ticking away. Fortunately, I had given myself a good time cushion, but he didn't know that.

    I finally peeled away from him and left.

    I'm not at all happy with this guy. He knew I had to be somewhere, and he kept wasting my time. He kept asking me personal questions, then disagreeing with my answers. He seemed to expect me to just take care of him and set aside my appointments to do something for him.

    So, fuck it. I wondered what approach to take. He's going to be here for around two more weeks, unfortunately. I thought of "ghosting" him, but decided against it; even though he's probably used to it, and may deserve it, I wouldn't want someone to do that to me. I sent him a message today telling him that I wasn't up for meeting him again, and telling him to enjoy the rest of his stay.

    I guess the moral of this story is, don't sign up on dating sites.

  • #2
    God I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that nonsense. I'm sorry people are such jerks.
    https://www.youtube.com/user/HedgeTV
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    • #3
      I'm sorry you had to go through that. He sounds like a jerk.

      Did the guy come to your town specifically to meet you? If so, I'd be direct. I'd tell him that things aren't working out, and you don't want to spend any more time with him. That may not be your style, and that's ok, too. But I feel like letting him know sooner rather than later will help.

      If he's not there specifically to spend time with you, I think you can wait until he contacts you again. And then, whatever you're more comfortable with - make an excuse or be more direct. But let him know that you won't be available.

      Whatever happens, I hope it sucks less.
      "I look at the stars. It's a clear night and the Milky Way seems so near. That's where I'll be going soon. "We are all star stuff." I suddenly remember Delenn's line from Joe's script. Not a bad prospect. I am not afraid. In the meantime, let me close my eyes and sense the beauty around me. And take that breath under the dark sky full of stars. Breathe in. Breathe out. That's all."
      -Mira Furlan

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      • #4
        He accepted the message I sent him, about not being up for another meeting. And he thanked me for my help.

        Ghel, I don't think he came here just to meet me. He's thinking of moving to Europe, and I believe he wanted to know what is involved. It would make sense, if he were thinking of moving to this country, but he isn't. He needs to talk to people who actually live where he's thinking of relocating.

        I did learn some important things from this. I learned that I'm no longer willing to put up with that kind of attitude. I no longer shrug it away, or grin and bear it. I didn't try to help him find a place to stay here. And instead of ignoring his messages and phone calls, I simply let him know that I wasn't going to meet with him again. Maybe I'm making progress, after all.

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        • #5
          Quoth Eireann View Post
          Uh, WHAT? If you're open to having children, why in the holy fuck did you create a profile on a dating site that is specifically and exclusively for people who don't have children, don't want children, and will not have children?
          He might think that you may change your mind -- or he can convince you to. That does occasionally happen.

          My wife told me when we first met, she had never really even considered getting married, let alone having children. Both happened.

          So it's possible that's what he was thinking. It's like, "Oh, you don't want kids -- for now. You'll probably change your mind."

          Not saying it's right, just might have been what he was thinking.

          I actually read a story once several years back about this young couple (both were something like 21) who both wanted to get "fixed" so they couldn't have kids. They ended up doing so, but they got questioned as to why by their doctors, and asked if it was a certainty that they wanted to do that.
          Last edited by mjr; 03-26-2018, 06:10 PM.
          Skilled programmers aren't cheap. Cheap programmers aren't skilled.

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          • #6
            I can't have kids. Physically. I finally got the doctor's okay to go under the knife last year. I am 100% babyproof. And I am happier about that than I can say. He is also aware that I've had this surgery.

            Of course, it may be that he has a child out there somewhere that he planned to spring upon some unwary woman. I don't know. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he joined the childfree dating site so he could be sure to meet women who didn't have children, so that he wouldn't be a stepfather. I've heard of men who (if they are open to having children) only want to have biological children, not adopted, foster, or stepchildren.

            I used to be on another dating site. I made it excruciatingly clear in my profile that I had zero interest in men who had children, men who wanted children, men who thought they might want children someday... you get the idea.

            So what did I get?

            Messages from guys who said, "I have kids, but they don't live with me" or "I have kids, but I don't want any more" or "I have kids, but they're grown."

            Uh, no.

            Whatever this particular guy's attitude to kids, though, I simply couldn't deal with his determination to have other people take care of him. I hope no woman ever throws in her lot with his.

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            • #7
              Quoth Eireann View Post
              I can't have kids. Physically. I finally got the doctor's okay to go under the knife last year. I am 100% babyproof.
              Apologies, I'd forgotten that you'd mentioned this previously.

              I'm considering "the snip" myself, but I'm already in my early 40's, so...

              Of course, it may be that he has a child out there somewhere that he planned to spring upon some unwary woman.
              I would say that's a distinct possibility. I have two cousins who have to kids each. The female cousin has two kids by two different dads. The male cousin has two kids by the same woman, but he also basically has full custody of them.

              I don't know. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he joined the childfree dating site so he could be sure to meet women who didn't have children, so that he wouldn't be a stepfather. I've heard of men who (if they are open to having children) only want to have biological children, not adopted, foster, or stepchildren.
              That's a possibility, too. I hadn't considered it, but it's definitely a possibility.

              I used to be on another dating site. I made it excruciatingly clear in my profile that I had zero interest in men who had children, men who wanted children, men who thought they might want children someday... you get the idea.

              So what did I get?

              Messages from guys who said, "I have kids, but they don't live with me" or "I have kids, but I don't want any more" or "I have kids, but they're grown."
              Because that's their logic. "My kids are grown" translates to "you don't have to treat them as kids, they're adults". And honestly, as you get older, it'll probably be harder to find a man who doesn't have kids.

              Whatever this particular guy's attitude to kids, though, I simply couldn't deal with his determination to have other people take care of him. I hope no woman ever throws in her lot with his.
              Some men are like that. They want to find a woman to take care of them. And by "take care of them", that can sometimes translate to "do everything for me".
              Skilled programmers aren't cheap. Cheap programmers aren't skilled.

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              • #8
                Whatever this guy's background is - having a child or children he keeps secret or being open to having kids - I'm not in the least interested in him. He was just so damned helpless, despite the fact that, according to him, he's lived abroad for many years. He's fluent in two European languages, which I know because he spoke them (to other people) during our meeting, yet, he's apparently unable to do things for himself.

                When I was trying to get away from him, he kept jabbering away, asking me one irrelevant question after another. It was a HUGE relief when I finally left. I was reminded of leaving the hospital after a long stay, and encountering fresh air again.

                Dating sites. Maybe I'd do better to leave them alone.

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                • #9
                  YEah getting back into the dating game after (GODS I hate to say this) almost 40 years

                  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

                  I'm lost without a paddle and headed up SH*T creek.
                  -- Life Sucks Then You Die.


                  "I'll believe corp. are people when Texas executes one."

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                  • #10
                    He sounds a bit egotistical, likes to hear himself talk, etc. Maybe all he wanted was someone to pay attention to him on a regular basis, which - no.

                    You gotta watch out for hidden stuff, though. A friend of ours had a sort of pen pal in the UK years ago, and they had progressed to talking on the phone. They'd gotten pretty close (getting into GF/BF-type convos) and she was planning to visit him, with his active encouragement, when he casually dropped the fact that his wife and kid would be there, as well. A wife and kid that he had never bothered to mention in months of correspondence and phone calls. She cut off all contact with him and was very, very angry and upset for quite a while.

                    I'm sure it's even easier to hide such "minor details" online.
                    When you start at zero, everything's progress.

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                    • #11
                      MoonCat - yuck, yuck, yuck. What a loser. It's so easy to project a very different persona online.

                      I haven't run into this guy again, for which I am very grateful. He'll be leaving in a week or so. Even before he came here, he showed how excited he was in this message: "I'm looking forward to it, I guess."

                      Gee, try to contain yourself. At least he wasn't feeling it, either. I think he just wanted to see a new country and talk to an expatriate to try to find out how things work.

                      When I suggested that we drink to being childfree, he got a shifty expression on his face, looking away from me and occasionally darting glances my way. He was hiding something, I'm sure of it.

                      I'll tell you something, though. This whole experience has made me appreciate the guys I know at my favorite hangout. Almost every time I go there, I see someone I know. And if I don't, I almost invariably end up talking to someone new. It's a delightful way to be. I know a few guys who, upon seeing me, will walk over and start up a conversation. It's so good to feel welcome.

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                      • #12
                        Quoth mjr View Post
                        He might think that you may change your mind -- or he can convince you to. That does occasionally happen.

                        *snip*
                        True enough ... but challenging somebody on that at the very first meeting is probably not the best way to see if things can change. Just sayin'

                        I mean, at that point you don't even know whether there'll be a second date, let alone any kind of relationship. And combined with his behaviour throughout the rest of the meeting ... ugh. If you're going to go to the trouble of visiting somebody in a different country, at least keep an open mind about where to tour and where to eat when you get there!
                        Customer service: More efficient than a Dementor's kiss
                        ~ Mr Hero

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                        • #13
                          I have a question (feel free to tell me to MMOB if you wish) but uh, why is it that you're not interested in a man who has kids that are grown? I mean, I'm female & currently am not interested in having children either (although I would not be adverse to fostering to adopt a child that is older, 6yrs+ mind you) so I see where you're coming from & agree but it's curious that you're including men whose kids are grown in the "no thanks" column

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                          • #14
                            Because kids usually means grandkids and that means you will be expected to interact with them at some point. Also, suppose the kids die or are drug addicts/etc, you may wind up with unwanted custody of the grandkids if you happen to marry said person.
                            Last edited by Tama; 04-22-2018, 06:05 PM.
                            My Guide to Oblivion

                            "I resent the implication that I've gone mad, Sprocket."

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                            • #15
                              Quoth NCIS4Ever2001 View Post
                              I have a question (feel free to tell me to MMOB if you wish) but uh, why is it that you're not interested in a man who has kids that are grown? I mean, I'm female & currently am not interested in having children either (although I would not be adverse to fostering to adopt a child that is older, 6yrs+ mind you) so I see where you're coming from & agree but it's curious that you're including men whose kids are grown in the "no thanks" column
                              Just as Tama said; kids lead to grandkids. A childfree life means being with other childfree people, for me. I absorbed a lot of incredibly unhealthy ideas and beliefs from my own fucked-up parents, and I wouldn't inflict those on a child - not my own, not someone else's. And I've never wanted children. It's just never been important to me. I'm more grateful than I can say that I never had any, and that I've known since my teen years that I wasn't cut out to have kids.

                              As for Mr. Wrong, I saw him once more, though not intentionally. He happened to be on my bus one evening, and I was freaking out at the thought that he might approach me. He didn't. He was busy talking some guy's ear off. From the look on the guy's face, he was about as enthusiastic to talk to Mr. Wrong as I was.

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