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Meh, was sick one day this week ( Well, yesterday to be exact ). So I am slow and dull witted at the moment.
Best Excuse Yet
Panhandler: "Can you spare some change, I'm pregnant. I need change."
Says the scruffy Jesus looking guy by the Starbucks up on Granville. There are levels of wrong here I do not wish to explore. Just back away slowly.
Restless Dead
SC: "They set some traps in the attic…..and NOW I HEAR NOISES"
That’s just the tortured cries of dead. Ignore it. It'll go away eventually. One of your children may shove you down the stairs at some point. But don't take it personally. A cross and a few bed time tuck in's with handcuffs should curb that.
Evolution
Caller was calling from Nunavut. Caller mentioned seeing an item on the website. ….wait, what? Website? You have a computer? Heck, you have electricity? Wow…something's wrong here. Very wrong. I don't know if you're a complete fluke of evolution or a sign of the coming apocalypse. But something is definitely not right.
You may be just a simple woman from Nunavut who by some fluke series of coincidences ( Perhaps involving a plucky Spanish girl, her monkey and a questionably kleptomaniac fox. ) just happened to fish an old iMac out of a river with an AOL cd still stuck in the cd-rom. But still your existence frightens me.
I'm afraid once the kids at home help her spot the iMac, you'll have to return it.
Revoked
SC: "The machine's out of order. It's been out of order for days!"
Me: "Ok, have you called it in already?"
SC: "No, we figured someone would just come by."
Well, I hate to have to tell you this but I'm afraid we have to revoke your breeding priviledges. If you'll just step right this way we can get started. No, don't worry. There's no shaving, cutting or stitching involved. In fact we really only have a toaster. If you would be so kind as to just kind of dangle your ball sack into one of the toaster slots we can process you right away. You might feel a little pinch.
Oh, but you can keep the computer though. Maybe some day the Blue Screen of Death fairies or whatever the hell it is you're waiting on will summon aid.
Gee, thanks.
Me: "Do you have any identifying information about the laptop that was stolen? Like a serial number or model number?"
SC: "….well…uh......it's a Dell."
Well, that narrowed it down. Thank you. Heck, who am I kidding. Thats more of a clue then most of you muffler suckers ever give me normally. I guess I should be thankful.
Accomodations
( This is Friday night in Vegas mind you, normally the cheapest rate I can get on Friday night is at *least* $100. )
Me: "I can put you at <hotel> for $49."
SC: "Do you have anything cheaper?!"
I can get you onto the cold, filthy pavement of a parking space in the airport parking lot for $10 or so. If you have enough luggage you could try and construct yourself a little cot but otherwise we can probably arrange for a traffic cone/pillow for another buck or so. Oh, make sure you wear something reflective to bed. Wouldn't want to be backed over by someone's sports utility penis enhancement.
Visual Aid
SC: "I'm trying to order something on your website but there's no add to cart button!"
Me: "….there's no.....add to cart button?"
SC: "No!"
Me: "......"
SC ".....er......<click>"
I assume you just located the blatantly obvious Add to Cart button. Good for you. This saves me from having to formulate an explanation without inadvertently making you out to be some sort of raging idiot. You seem to be doing pretty well for yourself in that category already. I doubt you need my assistance. However, please remember I am always here to help if ever you do. I am always willing and able to prove to you, you friends, your family, your coworkers, your pets or any number of spectators that you are, in fact, an idiot.
To fully explain I offer a visual aid. This is what she was staring directly at ( As it appears directly next to the picture of the item on the website ).
867
You know, you just bought a t-shirt for $50. I didn't even know t-shirt's existed that cost $50. I have seen t-shirts that detect Wi-Fi signals and display a light up gauge animation on the front in response to the clarity of the signal and they only cost $30. Using this as a benchmark the t-shirt you just purchased should be able to treat minor cases of skin cancer. However, when I went to check the catalogue for it, all it apparently does is be pink.
On the upside the mere act of carrying it into your home should double your net worth.
Bargain Hunting
SC: "I'm looking at this coat on your website it says there's a sale for 30-50% till Monday. What would the sale price of this coat be?"
Me: "The On Sale price should be right next to the regular price."
( Once again, see the visual aid above. )
SC: "Oh, I thought it was on TOP of that."
It's a $650 coat already on sale for $300 and you thought we'd sell it to you for $150? Nice try, skipper. Maybe we can find a t-shirt more in your budget range
God, I loath you so much.
Me: "Alright, which network is your cellphone with?"
SC: "…….."
Me: "…….."
SC: "….ya'll mean mah phone numba?"
I learned many things over the painful minutes in which I conversed with you. For instance I learned your parents were probably related and your life began and will most likely end in a trailer barring some sort of freak accident where you're struck by a tire at a Nascar event. You are also quite possibly the last person on earth that should be in the possession of a cell phone. I wouldn't trust you with anything more complex then a bottle opener and even then I'd have to keep an eye on you to make sure you didn't attempt to use your 4 year old's front teeth instead. Yes, I can hear her in the background and I weep for her future as from a genetic standpoint she has already lost.
What was the problem you ask? She spent $2 on an animated gif and it didn't work on her cell phone. Yes, she paid money for an animated gif. That alone disqualifies her from ever being allowed to touch any form of technology more advanced then an FM radio.
What was the animated gif? "Gangsta Rabbit Dance.gif". Which is basically like adding the creamy icing of resentment to the raging hate cake I was already baking for her.
......sigh
Me: "Ok, any payments made to <company> after 6pm Pacific-"
SC: "Pacific?! What does that mean!?"
Me: "Pacific time."
SC: "What does that mean!?"
Me: "Pacific time. The time on the west coast."
SC: "Well I don't know any of that stuff!! Timezones and stuff!!"
…..seriously?
Would you like to buy some animated gifs?
I'm going to crawl back to my sickness pit now. -.-
Best Excuse Yet
Panhandler: "Can you spare some change, I'm pregnant. I need change."
Says the scruffy Jesus looking guy by the Starbucks up on Granville. There are levels of wrong here I do not wish to explore. Just back away slowly.
Restless Dead
SC: "They set some traps in the attic…..and NOW I HEAR NOISES"
That’s just the tortured cries of dead. Ignore it. It'll go away eventually. One of your children may shove you down the stairs at some point. But don't take it personally. A cross and a few bed time tuck in's with handcuffs should curb that.
Evolution
Caller was calling from Nunavut. Caller mentioned seeing an item on the website. ….wait, what? Website? You have a computer? Heck, you have electricity? Wow…something's wrong here. Very wrong. I don't know if you're a complete fluke of evolution or a sign of the coming apocalypse. But something is definitely not right.
You may be just a simple woman from Nunavut who by some fluke series of coincidences ( Perhaps involving a plucky Spanish girl, her monkey and a questionably kleptomaniac fox. ) just happened to fish an old iMac out of a river with an AOL cd still stuck in the cd-rom. But still your existence frightens me.
I'm afraid once the kids at home help her spot the iMac, you'll have to return it.
Revoked
SC: "The machine's out of order. It's been out of order for days!"
Me: "Ok, have you called it in already?"
SC: "No, we figured someone would just come by."
Well, I hate to have to tell you this but I'm afraid we have to revoke your breeding priviledges. If you'll just step right this way we can get started. No, don't worry. There's no shaving, cutting or stitching involved. In fact we really only have a toaster. If you would be so kind as to just kind of dangle your ball sack into one of the toaster slots we can process you right away. You might feel a little pinch.
Oh, but you can keep the computer though. Maybe some day the Blue Screen of Death fairies or whatever the hell it is you're waiting on will summon aid.
Gee, thanks.
Me: "Do you have any identifying information about the laptop that was stolen? Like a serial number or model number?"
SC: "….well…uh......it's a Dell."
Well, that narrowed it down. Thank you. Heck, who am I kidding. Thats more of a clue then most of you muffler suckers ever give me normally. I guess I should be thankful.
Accomodations
( This is Friday night in Vegas mind you, normally the cheapest rate I can get on Friday night is at *least* $100. )
Me: "I can put you at <hotel> for $49."
SC: "Do you have anything cheaper?!"
I can get you onto the cold, filthy pavement of a parking space in the airport parking lot for $10 or so. If you have enough luggage you could try and construct yourself a little cot but otherwise we can probably arrange for a traffic cone/pillow for another buck or so. Oh, make sure you wear something reflective to bed. Wouldn't want to be backed over by someone's sports utility penis enhancement.
Visual Aid
SC: "I'm trying to order something on your website but there's no add to cart button!"
Me: "….there's no.....add to cart button?"
SC: "No!"
Me: "......"
SC ".....er......<click>"
I assume you just located the blatantly obvious Add to Cart button. Good for you. This saves me from having to formulate an explanation without inadvertently making you out to be some sort of raging idiot. You seem to be doing pretty well for yourself in that category already. I doubt you need my assistance. However, please remember I am always here to help if ever you do. I am always willing and able to prove to you, you friends, your family, your coworkers, your pets or any number of spectators that you are, in fact, an idiot.
To fully explain I offer a visual aid. This is what she was staring directly at ( As it appears directly next to the picture of the item on the website ).
867
You know, you just bought a t-shirt for $50. I didn't even know t-shirt's existed that cost $50. I have seen t-shirts that detect Wi-Fi signals and display a light up gauge animation on the front in response to the clarity of the signal and they only cost $30. Using this as a benchmark the t-shirt you just purchased should be able to treat minor cases of skin cancer. However, when I went to check the catalogue for it, all it apparently does is be pink.
On the upside the mere act of carrying it into your home should double your net worth.
Bargain Hunting
SC: "I'm looking at this coat on your website it says there's a sale for 30-50% till Monday. What would the sale price of this coat be?"
Me: "The On Sale price should be right next to the regular price."
( Once again, see the visual aid above. )
SC: "Oh, I thought it was on TOP of that."
It's a $650 coat already on sale for $300 and you thought we'd sell it to you for $150? Nice try, skipper. Maybe we can find a t-shirt more in your budget range
God, I loath you so much.
Me: "Alright, which network is your cellphone with?"
SC: "…….."
Me: "…….."
SC: "….ya'll mean mah phone numba?"
I learned many things over the painful minutes in which I conversed with you. For instance I learned your parents were probably related and your life began and will most likely end in a trailer barring some sort of freak accident where you're struck by a tire at a Nascar event. You are also quite possibly the last person on earth that should be in the possession of a cell phone. I wouldn't trust you with anything more complex then a bottle opener and even then I'd have to keep an eye on you to make sure you didn't attempt to use your 4 year old's front teeth instead. Yes, I can hear her in the background and I weep for her future as from a genetic standpoint she has already lost.
What was the problem you ask? She spent $2 on an animated gif and it didn't work on her cell phone. Yes, she paid money for an animated gif. That alone disqualifies her from ever being allowed to touch any form of technology more advanced then an FM radio.
What was the animated gif? "Gangsta Rabbit Dance.gif". Which is basically like adding the creamy icing of resentment to the raging hate cake I was already baking for her.
......sigh
Me: "Ok, any payments made to <company> after 6pm Pacific-"
SC: "Pacific?! What does that mean!?"
Me: "Pacific time."
SC: "What does that mean!?"
Me: "Pacific time. The time on the west coast."
SC: "Well I don't know any of that stuff!! Timezones and stuff!!"
…..seriously?
Would you like to buy some animated gifs?
I'm going to crawl back to my sickness pit now. -.-
)
Want a slice?
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