Opinions wanted

[Sheldonrs]

My parents divorced when I was about 7 years old, around 1967. My father, from what I can remember and what my mother and sisters have told me over the years, he was a gambler, abusive, drinker, jerk.
I'm not even sure the few "memories" I have of him are mine or just what was told to me. The last time I saw him was when I was around 10.
Anyway, when our Mom found out she was dying in 1996, she applied for disabilty since she could no longer work. The state of New Jersey told her she could also collect from her ex' social security since she had been married to him for enough years, even though he had remarried (the woman he had cheated on my Mom with).
We assumed this meant our father had died and made some enquiries.
The state said they could give out any info unless we filled out some forms and paid the fees. Since none of us was that interested, we let it drop.
Periodically I would do some internet searches for an obituary, just to find out how he died, for medical background info. Never found anything until 2010. I did a search again and came across this article:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/14/re...te/14Njzo.html

Imagine my surprise to find out he was still alive. He'd be 84 now. I never intended to contact him and still don't want to try.

Now for the new development: My sisters received a letter in the mail from some friend of our father named Mary, addressed to both of my sisters with my name mentioned in the letter, asking us to call her because our Father is trying to get in touch with us.
It didn't say why he didn't write to us himself.

My question is: What do you think you would do in these circumstance?

I already told my sisters that, since the Times article points out that there won't be any inheritance, there's no need to contact him.

[KiaKat]

The link was truncated, doesn't work.

What it comes down to is regret. As he approaches the end of his life, his regrets are catching up with him. And will you and your siblings regret never taking the opportunity to ask him what in the holy hells he was thinking?

If your potential regret outweighs your hope to never have anything to do with him, ever again, then tentatively reach out. You can always slam the door shut on further contact if so desired. If you are worried that he's going to come begging with a hand out, then use methods of communication which don't require you to reveal addresses or real phone numbers.

Which sparks another thought- if he's in his 80's, could he be the victim of a scammer? This Mary could very well be out to extort money from him and his family, by taking advantage of a man who may be not entirely there. Something to keep in mind.

[Sheldonrs]

I fixed the link. Thanks Kia.

I haven't had any regrets other than regretting he didn't leave sooner, BEFORE he lost all his and my Mother's money and property gambling.

[Gizmo]

I'd allow the contact. But I'd be totally prepared to step back from it if it goes bad. And I'd stay as emotionally detached as possible.

Ask the questions you want to ask and get the answers. Allow him to speak his piece and go from there.

Don't be afraid of shutting the door straight on his face again if needs be. And make sure all three of you are on the same page.

[AccountingDrone]

Hm, perhaps he asked Mary to contact you folks because he was afraid that if you saw his name on the envelope you would automatically throw it away?

I concur that you should get in touch with him with an untracable form and be ready to cut him off again.

It really sucks for our previous generation and the more current to be retired generation, with the financial debacle trashing our pending retirements. I don't think it is back to eating dogfood bad, but it is getting pretty damned dicey - I can see more and more people deciding to consolidate households and several couples sharing a single house and expenses to avoid homelessness. If you own your property outright, several couples pooling even just social security can make a go of it if they are frugal.

[Sapphire Silk]

It's a tough call, Sheldon. If you do contact him, it won't be about an inheritance. But there are other reasons to allow contact, such as reconciliation and healing.

You really don't seem to know anything about your father at all. He may have regrets. Or he may have a different perspective on how the marriage ended and what happened afterwards. You won't know until you talk to him.

Of course, it may also be that what you remember is exactly how it went down, and things might not get any better at all depending on his attitude towards it.

You don't have to do anything. It may be this friend of your father's is trying to act an an intermediary give you guys a chance to say no. Or it could be something else.

What you should do is think about how you want a potential meeting to go. He may simply show up in your life, or in your sister's lives at some point. How will you handle that?

If you really don't want contact, you probably should communicate with Mary in some way to tell her to pass on the word for him to stay away.

[Sheldonrs]

Thanks everyone. My sisters and I are agreed that we'll just ignore it.

My way of thinking is, I usually have a very good reason for everything I do. I have to assume there's a good reason why I don't remember my childhood and I don't want to mess up who I am now by finding out who I was and what happened to me then.

[Jester]

There is another possibility no one seems to have mentioned. That being that, while he was an out and out jerk when he was with your family, in the near four decades since them, he has changed, and turned his life around.

I often say that some people change, but most people don't. I say that because my observations of the human condition tell me that exact thing. Most people don't change. But some do. And it is possible that the man you knew is one that the man he is know deeply, deeply regrets.

This is merely a possibility, not a probability, but it is a possibility you and your sisters should consider before making a final decision.

[MoonCat]

I agree with Jester, although it's totally your decision, Sheldon. I had an uncle who was pretty selfish most of his life. A few years before he passed away he changed. Big time. He became kind, compassionate, generous and caring. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself. I very much regret that he died before I could really get to know this "new man."

Just a thought. Do whatever is best for you.

[Sheldonrs]

Since I have no memories of him, it would be no different than meeting a stranger.

[Jester]

Not entirely true. Would you be this opposed to meeting a stranger?

[Sheldonrs]

Not entirely true. Would you be this opposed to meeting a stranger?

Probably not but I'm always uncomfortable when I meet one.
I'd be even more uncomfortable knowing the stranger was my father.