Hubby hit the wall today...

[Shangri-laschild]

That is awesome that he's got a line on someone to help out and that work is being understanding!

[NorthernZel]

Thank you!

Hubby finally got in touch with his therapist by phone (he had to reschedule an appointment due to an anxiety attack) and so far the verdict is stress-induced agoraphobia.

The therapist says she's seen a lot of cases like this, and it probably stems from a stressful situation hubby had approx. 6 months ago (where he took a lot of extra shifts to make sure he'd be eligible for unemployment benefits just in case - over here, the State pays unemployment, not the employer, but you have to have worked a certain amount of hours to be eligible).

So the "battle plan" so far is to get hubby out of his "comfort zone" (which at the moment is a 1 kilometer = a bit under a mile perimeter) bit by bit, he has to do a log on how it affects him, and the goal is to get him to the therapist's office (4 miles away) by next Tuesday. If that doesn't happen, no biggie, then it's another phone consultation. Hubby has also gotten some breathing excersizes that might help on the anxiety attacks.

[NorthernZel]

Latest:

Hubby has a plan to get 3 miles away by train. I adviced him to take a 1.5 mile bike ride, but he declined (he claims that it's public transportation, not the distance that is an issue. I disagree - but then again, I digress)

I know that this thread may sound like a boring blog, but I would really like some advice on this. This has developed into not only a matter of getting hubby to work - our whole way of dealing with daily life is affected. For instance, my mum (who lives in the countryside) has invited us to visit her during Easter, but would she accept "sorry but hubby shits himself at the very thought" as an excuse?! And how does our son think of the thought that he can only do outdoor stuff with Mom, but not with Dad?!

[KuariKaydrith]

I would suggest contacting your husband's therapist to see if there are support groups in your area for families affected by mental health, or even look online for online support groups. Other people and families affected like yours is can be a great source of comfort, even if it's only a means of reminding yourself that you aren't alone in this. Or, as an alternative, see if you and your son can speak to the therapist to get some ideas how to handle what is going on, coping mechanisms and ways to explain why your husband is not able to do something right now.

In terms of dealing with adults, I generally tend towards just flat out telling them what is going on. For example, I'd tell your mother that your hubby is dealing with agoraphobia and is not comfortable going that far outside of his comfort zone quite yet, but that you'd gladly take a raincheck on the invite to dinner. The other option is to just say that your husband is too sick to make the trip and leave it at that. It all depends on how comfortable you are with telling your mother what is going on in your life, and how she will react.

As for your son, perhaps find things that your husband can do with him that fall within your husband's comfort range. Playing in the backyard? Board games in the kitchen? There should be an emphasis on spending time as a family and it should not hinge on where those family activities take place. Especially right now while your husband is working on expanding his comfort boundaries - and I'd say that the plan to get away 3 miles by train is not a horrible one, especially when you do not indicate that he has a hard deadline to accomplish this.

Good luck, NZel. I hope that you all get through to the other side of this in one piece!

[BeeMused]

What KuariKaydrith said!

I don't know how old your son is, I'd say explain things to him. Kids are extremly good at noticing that something's wrong and will worry, perhaps even think it's their fault.

[NorthernZel]

Thanks for the kind thoughts. Gonna call my mom tomorrow, politely excuse us and explain why. I just had to formulate it a bit in my head since she tends to shrug mental illness off as "silly" and the only cure is to "get a hold of yourself". (Yeah, I know. )

I don't know whether I and my son are covered by hubby's healthcare plan, we'd better check it out. At least we know that our current doctor is no help, and will be switching to another practice ASAP.

Lil'Zel is fortunately fully aware that he is not at fault at all, but on the other hand he does have ASD so we kinda have to tell him in clear terms what the situation is at the moment, and when even we are a bit confused about what's going on it's gonna be a bit difficult to explain...

[NorthernZel]

So today I tried to push hubby's boundaries... a lot. We managed to get approx. 4 miles away from home before he got REALLY uncomfortable and we had to hail a cab to take us home. But we still take it as a big achievement.

Tomorrow he's getting an easy task (take the subway train two stops, take a break (eventually have a beer at a pub next to the station) and then take the train back home), and he'll have another phone call with the therapist on Tuesday where he'll tell about his attempts and how to take it further from here.

Ma Zel has been very understanding (thanx FSM!) and has offered to come visit us next month instead. If hubby feels well enough, we'll all go see a football match together.

[KuariKaydrith]

4 miles is awesome! Tell your hubby that he is doing great and that this random person on the internet is proud of him

[NorthernZel]

So, latest update:

Hubby tried to get 5 miles away today (grab the bus to a park, go for a walk, return home). He only made 3½ miles before he had to do a "pit stop" at a bar, but still felt positive because he didn't feel the anxiety attacks were as bad as before.

So his plan for the next couple of days is: take a short walk tomorrow, have a pep-up talk with the therapist, and if all goes well he will board a train towards his workplace on Saturday morning and see how far he gets. If he gets all the way, he'll say hello to his coworkers and bosses and asking whether he could get some different shifts to see which shift is most comfortable for him.

If he doesn't get that far... oh well, then it's just back home and work out another plan.

[NorthernZel]

A new update - and this time it's a good one!

Hubby managed to get to work this morning - he had a few slight anxiety attacks, but he was able to keep them under control.

He's still registered as "part time sick" though (so, if he gets a big anxiety attack it won't affect his sickleave record) and still attends therapy, along with having booked an appointment at a NEW doctor's to get a full physical, just in case.

If everything goes well during the next 2-3 weeks, he'll report in as "fit" and ask to get back to the graveyard shift again. (He really, REALLY doesn't like working morning shifts, especially after today where his coworkers treated him as a n00b.)

[KuariKaydrith]

YAY! I'm so glad that he made it so far Anxiety attacks are to be expected, and that he's able to keep them under control is such a huge accomplishment. But his coworkers need kicks in the butt for how they treated him.

Tell your hubby that I'm so very proud of him!

[RootedPhoenix]

Thank you for sharing this with us. I just realized a couple things about my own situation (I don't really know how to elaborate, sorry), and I feel batter about me right now.

I'm glad your husband is getting better. to both of you.

[NorthernZel]

Well, as for now Mr Zel has registered in as "well" when it comes to get to and from work. Now the main challenge is applying it to everyday stuff...

...such as, Lil'Zel's spec-ed school is having a party in 10 days. The rules are clear - if the parents (or other carers) can't attend and supervise, the kid can't attend on his/her own.

I can't be there because of work (I've already been told I can't take that day off even before I started) and we suspect Grandma Zel won't be able due to other commitments... so it's up to Mr Zel. Will he undergo the ultimate fight with the demons or let Lil'Zel down? In less than two days, we'll know!

[NorthernZel]

YAY! Mr Zel has announced that he will attend the school party AND a PTA meeting the week after that. He's not too happy about that, but reckons that he'll be able to go through it.

Lil'Zel (oh bless the little guy) has already stated he'll support daddy with the possibilties he has (such as showing him where the quietest rooms in the building are in case he gets an attack) and I'll make sure to be avaiable on the phone if all goes to shit and I have to take off due to "a family emergency".

[NorthernZel]

And here we go again....

Mr Zel handled the school party and PTA meeting very well. He had a small anxiety attack during the PTA meeting, but a couple of deep inhale/exhale exercises and a glass of water dealt with that.

But in the meantime my FIL has been admitted to hospital with several issues, how bad the issues are we'll know on Tuesday... however, apparently the hospital sees Mr Zel as their "go-to-guy" whenever they need any information, so they call him constantly.

So now Mr Zel sees work as a way of getting OUT of a stressful situation instead of the opposite, but home life (where he should be relaxing) has become pretty hectic.

(And yes, Mr Zel HAS asked the hospital to be aware of his working hours and has provided alternative contacts (like his brother), but that info seems to have been forgotten)