Announcement

**Mr. Rager!** · 08-04-2006, 05:10 PM

Quoth Retail's Bitch

1.“Can I get a bag of ice?” I don’t know. Can you? May you? Certainly, you may.

I agree with most of the other rules. However, when it comes to "may I" vs "can I", if the customer is polite about it, why worry about it? Now, "can I" and "may I" are both a lot better than, "get me a bag of ice."

**ebonyknight** · 08-04-2006, 05:33 PM

Where's the ass cream??

What's with all the ass cream today, anyway?

**Mixed Bag** · 08-04-2006, 11:04 PM

Quoth Retail's Bitch

2.Get your child off my security gate. It is NOT a jungle gym.

If it were, it might improve parent business--any innovatours reading?

Quoth Retail's Bitch

11.Do not ask me if it’s busy/slow, when the store is packed with customers or it’s 2am and the store is dead. You can see this for yourself. Why ask me?? You know it’s busy, why ask me!?

I know it's foolhardy to assume others have my sensible motives, but when I ask that, I'm really asking how busy it is for that time of ther day or week--for future reference, or out of curiosity as if weather or special events are a factor.

Quoth Retail's Bitch

14.I have wrecked both of my rotator cuffs, my shoulders

Sorry to hear that.

Quoth Retail's Bitch

25.No you can’t bring your pets into the grocery store. There is FOOD in here. It’s against HEALTH REGULATIONS!!!!!!!!

26.No you can’t roller blade or skateboard in here. As I’ve told you before. If you want to come back here at 3a.m. and help the cleaner mop and scrape the marks off the floor, sure, go ahead. What are you doing up at 1 a.m. anyway!? Go home to Mommy and leave me alone.

So it's that kind of harassment that keeps people from buying newfangled mobility aids and OCD-assisting penguins?

Quoth Retail's Bitch

43.If we’re out of a sale item. Then we’re out. Not kidding you. Is it the grocery manager’s fault? Actually no. It’s idiots like you who come in and buy 30 of the sale item instead of a normal amount. We ordered enough, we just didn’t figure people would ignore the limits we imposed on goods and get sneaky with it.

I've seen shortages on goods with no limits and, sorry, I DO blame the store when they're out of what I came for if it's because they've made it a loss leader.

**phillippbo** · 08-04-2006, 11:50 PM

Quoth Retail's Bitch

49.Telling me the price of the item when it doesn’t scan, does NOT count as a price check. And telling me “Ohh, I think it was 2.99 or something like that…” Certainly does NOT count. So I will have to page for a price check. Don’t scream at me and get wounded and upset that I don’t trust the almighty customer. You’re right. I don’t trust you.

When I worked at Wally-World as a cashier, I actually ended up getting in trouble for this quite a bit. When we had something that would not scan, what we were supposed to do was:

1. Try to scan the item again just to be sure that it took correctly the first time;

2. If that fails, try to type in the UPC manually;

3. If that fails, page someone from that department, give them the item description over the phone, and get the correct price;

4. Fill out a "Manual Scan Form" to let the UPC office know they missed something. The form included an item description, department code, UPC code, and the price;

5. Get a CSM (Customer Service Manager) to come to the register and sign off on the form acknowledging the price was correct and the "Hand Key" (when a price was manually keyed) was authorized;

6. Manually key in the department code, UPC, and price for the item so the transaction can be completed.

This process would take upwards of 20 minutes to do if, and I mean IF you could actually locate those people and the form you needed to fill out. Needless to say, since I was usually overworked (meaning I was doing the work of several cashiers - in the case of one evening I was the only open register on the front end on the busiest night of the week for about 2 hours) and I could usually not locate anyone in the appropriate department or a CSM, this meant that if something didn't scan, it actually went something like so:

1. Try to scan it again;

2. Key the UPC manually;

3. If that didn't work, ask the customer if they remembered what the price was;

4. If they don't, and have something similar in the cart, scan that item instead (most customers were happy with this);

5. If that fails, make up a price and ask if that's good for them;

6. Manually key in the "Phillip Discounted" price.

I did get in trouble a couple of times, but I would always point out that the system fails if I can't find anybody to help me (90% of the time I was working) and the company valued our scanning stats above even correct procedure. Besides, the company didn't care about me at all, so why should I care about doing my job correctly (classified part time but working full time, was subjected to pay freezes, people I never worked with did my evaluations, was transferred out of the dept I was hired for without notice or my manager's approval, etc, etc)? The only thing I miss about that place is the other employees I worked with, but they are a whole nother story...

**Irving Patrick Freleigh** · 08-05-2006, 02:28 AM

18.Don’t ask me what my name is. My nametag is backwards for a reason. It is 3am and you smell funny and you’re drunk and stoned and you have no right to know my name. You’re insistent on knowing my name because I’m rude, because I won’t tell you my name and you want to report me? Okay. My name is Gertrude.

OK. Hi Gertrude.

A couple rules of my own for customers...

1. Wasps are starting to come out, so please do not leave food garbage in the shopping carts or dump it in the parking lot. I am allergic to wasp stings. They cause me to die.

2. Please make something of an effort to keep your bodily functions under control. I normally find farts life-threateningly hilarious, but not when they are ripped right in front of my face and I walk right into it.

3. If you buy a large TV or piece of furniture or something else bulky that needs to be carried out, don't show up in a tiny car or an SUV filled with kids, groceries, or other junk, and expect me to play tetris and get everything re-arranged so I can fit your item in. No, I will not strap it to the roof. I will be responsible if it falls off and causes a massive pile-up.

4. This is not a flea market, we do not haggle over prices.

5. See that sign that says "For your safety, please do not ride the display bikes in the store"? It is not merely suggestion. If you choose to disregard it, and take out a bunch of shelves and hurt yourself, I am not responsible.

6. No, you cannot skateboard in the store.

7. If you take something out of the frozen food coolers and later decide you don't want it, either return it to the cooler or give it to the cashier. Do not hide it behind a shelf of bath towels or toilet paper or something. I don't like dealing with spoiled food.

8. See those little tags that say "We apologize. This item is temporarily sold out"? That means the item is SOLD OUT. Which means we have none in backstock. No, we do not have it in stock now. Must...control...fist...of...death.

**JustaCashier** · 08-05-2006, 04:49 AM

Here's my variation of a couple that have already been covered, plus a few of my own.

If the UPC/SKU is missing or does not work, don't tell say "it's $5.99" and expect me to just punch in $5.99. It's not my fault that the Manufacturer/Vendor/Our Warehouse/Our Receiving Dept in the Store/the Dept the item came from didn't make sure the item and all of the rest of the same had a UPC/SKU. You may give me the price IF I ask you, so that I may use it as a cross reference when I try to search it in our Database. Provided the programmers used a logical word/phrase to describe the item. We need to use a proper SKU for inventory purposes. Even if you are 94 years old, you should know that by now. UPC Barcode Scanning Systems have been common for a good 20 years now.

Don't get mad if we're out of a Sale item, because you have come in on the last day of the Sale.

Doing a Return? No Problem! Just have a valid receipt. No Receipt? No problem!
Just have a valid Driver's License and don't get pissed when:

A) I tell you I'll have to give you Store Credit. (No, I can't put it back on your Credit Card just because you went to all the trouble of bringing in your CC Statement that shows you made a purchase from us on such-and-such date.

B) The Store Credit is for 20% less than what you paid. Our biggest Sale of the year is 20% off. How do I know if you bought it then, or even from us? Many items will have a UPC that is not specific to only our Store.

C) In either case, Receipt, or No Receipt, do not throw a hissy fit if I page the Dept to come to Returnland, and we have to wait, so that they can inspect the $100.00 Faucet/Power Tool/Electric Wallmount Heater to make sure that it is complete/unused/the EXACT item listed on the receipt (if there is one) and not your worn out 5 year old item that you repackaged in the box of the new one that you bought. And if we catch you at your little scam, (after we say "gee, it looks like you accidently

put your old one in here!")
for chrissake don't try to convince us it's the new item! Hang your head in shame, and immediatley get the Hell outta the Store and never come back!
In the case of any Return, keep in mind that no Store, at least in my State, are required to take an item back and compensate you in some way, unless the item is a Bona-Fide Defective.

Don't be insulted if I pen your $20.00 and up bills to check for counterfeit! Even if you are a regular Customer and have spent $3,496,128.97 in our Store over the 60 years you've been dragging your sorry 38 year old ass in here. It's not a judgement of you, you could have received the bill from anywhere, even the Bank! Think about it, if that 20 is bad, maybe other five you got from that place are too! Wouldn't you like to know?!? You could then take them back, and tell them that they gave you bad bills, and hope they square it away for you. I'll even check your other bills if you like. Just takes a sec.

If you are going to go to all of the trouble to check the shelf tag for the price of an item, take an extra second and study the description on the tag a little closer, even compare the numbers under the Bar Code of each to make sure they match. Especially if the price seems too good to be true and/or the item just seems to be out of place. If just one item is out of place (most likely by a Customer) I'll politely challenge you on the price. If one of our employees had a Brain Fart and loaded a whole section with an item that doesn't match the tag, and the tag price is lower than the actual price, I'll honor that price, even if it's below cost (may have to get a Manager's approval on pricey items) and you can rest assured that a person from that Dept will be notified of the error just as soon as I can get ahold of them.

**ArenaBoy** · 08-05-2006, 05:39 AM

Here's a few of mine, cool thread RB. Parking lot related

1. Ask the cashiers up ahead for info, not me. I'm directing traffic in a busy area meaning I don't have time to help you.

2. Stop telling me how to do my job. Traffic's held up, I can't do shit about it, just sit in your car and wait or get there earlier.

3. If you want my attention do not honk your horn; open up your window and yell excuse me politely and I will help you. Wait till I'm done with a customer and don't be surprised if I sound pissed at you because you didn't get any attention when you could see that I was busy.

4. If you see food in my hand it means that I'm off the clock or on break and will not help you.

5. Do not think that you can park in a area you're not allowed in and get away with it; I will catch you. You do not know that I'm a cross-country athlete and can run a 5:02 mile. That basically means you're screwed and will be taken care of.

6. Stop giving me stories on how you forgot your VIP or suite pass, I will not buy it and not let you in.

7. If the pass is expired, it's expired. It's useless to try and argue and I will turn unpleasant about it.

8. Don't even attempt to run me over because we will get the cops.

9*. Just because you're a affluent person and drive a Lexus, Jaguar, Mercedes, BMW, or whatever does not mean that you are smarter than me. It means you're just rich and a jackass. Just because I'm some 18 year old kid does not mean that you are smarter than me or better than me. I write short stories in my spare time, I play guitar, I've written music, made films, produced a charity video, and study martial arts. I can speak Japanese but not fluently, just enough for me to get by in Japan. You're not better than me, get over it.

10. Follow our directions, we know what we're doing not you.

11. We do not have valet parking, do you see a sign that says we have it? Well, to save time we don't.

12. I would appreciate it if you learned to fucking read. Look at your pass and check the sign at the lot you want to get into. If the words do not match, you can't get in.

13. Stop trying to act cool in front of your girlfriend. Acting tough will only cause me to deflate your ego and ruin any chances of you getting laid tonight. I will laugh about it too.

14. If the lot is closed, it is closed. We're full meaning we can't take more people and whining at us about it will do nothing.

15. A cop badge, a county club membership, or a family relation will not get you in VIP.

16. Quit driving like you're a wheelman. It makes me laugh at you.

17. Turn down your radio, or I will just move my mouth.

18. Calling me names will only dig you a bigger hole.

19. Do not ask me for discounts on parking fees, I will just tell you to pay or call my supervisor to take care of you.

20. Do not whine about how much you pay for tickets etc. I do not care if you pay that much, you have a BMW meaning that this should be pocket change for you.

21. Get to the event early so I can go home, I have a life you know.

*. I live in one of the top 5 richest counties in the nation, the basketball crowd is wealthy due to a certain automobile industry. It's common to see plenty of BMWs and the like.

We should save this if another hack happens again.

**Gas Station Girl** · 08-05-2006, 07:30 AM

Some basic gas station rules...

1. Remember which pump you used. It's not that hard. The number is printed right on the pump, and it's a simple, one digit number. If I ask you which pump you used, do not just say, "The blue car over there". If it's really busy, there might be six blue cars, and I'll have to look up each one of their corresponding pumps individually, and the only way to tell them apart will be if you remember the total price of the gas you pumped.

2. Be specific when you order your cigarettes. Telling me a brand name, and nothing else, will not help me figure out what you want. I am not psychic. Do you want me to just close my eyes and pick a package out at random? No? Ok then, specify if you would like those cigarettes to be light, regular, menthol, king size, etc.

3. Do not accumulate six months' worth of lottery tickets and wait until 5pm on a Friday to have them all validated at the same time. Yes, I will give you an evil look, and so will the two dozen other customers who have to wait behind you in line.

4. Do not argue with me if you think your lottery ticket should be a winner but the machine said it wasn't. I have no power over the lottery. I cannot give you a prize unless the ticket machine tells me that you have a winning ticket. If you want to argue, go to the lottery office with your ticket and explain to the lottery folks why you think you should be a winner.

5. Do not ask me to give you a winning lottery ticket. Again, I have no power over the lottery. If I had any control whatsoever over who won the lottery, why would I choose to work in a gas station for $0.15 above minimum wage? Oh, you were just joking? Well guess what, I've heard that joke about 7903253 times, and it stopped being funny long before that.

6. Do not yell at me when I tell you that you have late charges on your movies. Do not accuse me of giving you fake late charges, either. Why would I do that? I know of several ways to keep myself entertained at work, and that most certainly isn't one of them. How about you just return your movies on time. If there was an error with the system, I can fix it, and there is no need for you to yell at me.

7. Do not complain to me about the prices. I am not the one who decides the prices of any of the merchandise (especially the gas!), and you most certainly will not get a discount simply for being annoying.

8. If you make a mess while pouring yourself a coffee or slurpee, at least make some sort of effort to clean it up. Or, at the very least, apologize. Do not just leave a big mess for me to clean up. And, if you put sugar in your coffee, do not leave empty sugar packets all over the counter. The garbage can is right next to the coffee area for a reason.

9. Do not attempt to make a transaction while you are drunk. Especially if you want to pay with your debit card.

**Worker-Intellectual** · 08-05-2006, 09:20 AM

1. I will not get fired for you. No, "come on" is not a convincing argument to get fired for you.

2. That is not funny. It is NOT free just because it doesn't scan the first time. Are you stupid or something?

3. I don't go down to where you work and knock the dick out of your mouth, so don't go down to where I work and make my job hell

4. If you want me to do a price check for less than $1.00, you deserve a punch in the head, you cheap bastard

5. No, I do not own and use every product in the store so I know all the details. they don't pay me nearly enough to afford that

6. If my light is off, that is my polite way of saying "F*** off, my break started 5 minutes ago"

7. Lift your own crap. You got it in the cart, you can get it out

8. If I need a manager's authorization to do that, I need a manager's authorization to do that. Period. End of story

9. I am not your credit card company. If the card says its declined, PAY YOUR BILLS YOU CHEAP BASTARD!!! No, it isn't the magnetic strip, that would give me a whole different error message.

10. Due to the Privacy Act, I can not call your credit card company and they will not give me the information. Just pay your damn bills, and don't spend all your money on internet transgendered amputee midget-on-sheep porn.

11. No, just because you are too dumb to use a debit machine on your first try doesn't mean that you will be charged twice.

12. Just try not to be a complete a**hole

**Becks** · 08-05-2006, 03:00 PM

Quoth ihatethenba68 View Post

4. If you see food in my hand it means that I'm off the clock or on break and will not help you.

I LOVE all of the rules, but this one is one of the best!!!!!!!! We should all have signs with that on them and show them to customers.

**Discourtesy Clerk** · 08-05-2006, 05:42 PM

My rules, all gleaned from real incidents with local Suckway-shopping retards:

1. Please remove your children from your cart basket BEFORE I put the groceries in. There is a reason that the child seat and the basket are separate, and no, that is NOT so that you can let two children ride in it. If you tell me just to "put the stuff in there with them," I will stand stock still like a deer in headlights until you remove the child.

2. Do not EVER request service out when you don't have a cart. If you are carrying two small cakes, and it's just too much trouble to walk them a whole 100 feet to your car, get a cart. I will even get it for you, because it's my job. However, DO NOT make me carry out a single cake for you, and PLEASE do not make my manager do it. She has a hundred better things to do, as do I.

3. If there are floor cones bordering an area, this means you do not walk through it. At all. Ever. Running through a wet floor with a cart causes tracks and footprints, which means I have to re-mop what I just mopped. If I have to mop the same spot more than once in a day, I will get angry. You will not like me angry.

4. If I am talking to another customer about something that does not at all concern you, DO NOT butt in and tell me I'm wrong. Their problem, not yours.

5. If you whine and bitch and get frantic because you can't find something, and I show you exactly where it is, I damn well expect to see that item on the belt when you come through the checkstand. Gratitude is not even necessary, I just want you to actually BUY what you wasted my time over.

6. If the deli/meat/seafood/bakery/floral dept. uses their valuable time to make an order specifically for you, DO NOT void it and send it back when you get to the checkstand. JUST DON'T.

7. If you are a big, strong, physically uninjured man, or are accompanied by said man, DO NOT ask for service out. What are the chances that a very short 16-year-old girl is going to be more skilled at loading groceries than your rich white ass and your He-Man husband?

8. Don't come in to my store drunk, strung out, smelling like god knows what, muddy, soaking wet, covered in cologne or perfume, sneezing/coughing uncontrollably, marinated in a month's BO, shirtless, pantsless, shoeless, bloody, piss-stained, greasy, decorated with smudges of excrement, or while running from the law. This will almost always cause a disturbance. We don't like disturbance.

9. If you are male, over 50, and a total stranger...please, for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT tell me my hair smells good. You should not even be that close.

10. Don't wait until I've bagged half your order to tell me that you want paper. I will kill you.

11. If you ask me a question, and I tell you I don't know, that means I don't know. It is not my job to have a map of the store, with the specific placement of every brand of every product on every aisle, every endcap, and every department, with prices and current sales, in my head. I am not the Rain Man.

12. If you don't have enough money for what you're buying, don't try to buy it.

13. If you don't have room in your car, or a car at all, to take home your stuff in, don't buy it.

14. If you don't actually want what you're buying, don't buy it.

15. If you have no ID, and therefore cannot buy alcohol, do not try to buy it.

16. If you dislike what we have in stock enough to take it out on the checker and bagger, don't buy it, and stop giving me that look.

17. If you want cigarettes, tell me the brand, size, type, flavour, and any other information I might need. I am not a smoker, and I am not psychic. If you tell me "pack of Marlboro," and I come back with any one of the two dozen kinds of Marlboro, do not yell at me.

18. If we are out of something, or something is damaged, or something is in the wrong place, or a tag is wrong, or you don't like something, or something is too expensive, or the bananas are too yellow, or your foot itches, it is NOT MY FAULT. I can possibly get it fixed for you, but I did not cause it to happen, and therefore STOP YELLING AT ME.

19. If I greet you, don't pretend I'm not there. Wave back, smile, say hello, ask me a question, something. I am in fact a human being. It is self-absorbed people like you that will eventually make me a retail robot.

20. I don't work in produce. If I tell you this, don't look at me like I'm lying. I don't know a ripe watermelon from my ass, okay, so shut up.

21. Wear deodorant. If you're out, it's on Aisle 9. Make haste.

22. DO NOT DROP THE EGGS.

23. Please, do not abuse the cashiers. If you do so, and I see this, I will have to remove you from the store by the hair, because the cashiers put up with enough shit, and they do not need yours too.

24. If you are male, over 50, and lonely, do not ask me or one of my young female co-workers to take out your one bag for you just so you can have company. Hire a hooker, you loser.

25. Do not make derogatory comments about teenagers in front of me. I may look 20, but I am in fact one of those horrible teenagers.

26. Don't touch me. I don't know you. DO NOT touch me.

**Becks** · 08-06-2006, 04:07 PM

--If you absolutely feel the need to make a mess of some sort, don't just leave it and not tell anyone. To tell you the truth, if you say it's an accident and kinda attempt to look like you're sorry for it, we'll be nice about it. Please, just tell us that there's a mess!!!!!!! You don't even have to say you're the one who did it.

Is that asking for too much?

**batmoody** · 08-06-2006, 05:12 PM

Quoth Retail's Bitch View Post

[I]
12.When I’m trying to clean my register do not act like I’m doing you a great disservice and washing my belt and scale just to piss you off and slow you down. I cannot read your mind. 30 seconds ago you weren’t here and I was cleaning my belt because it’s covered in sugar, onion skins, flour and blood. Feel free to put your items down in blood. See if I give a fuck.

I hate when people flip about this. I get done cleaning my belt, and yeah its going to be wet for a while until it dries (duh). Its sanitizer. Its a helluvalot cleaner than 2 minutes ago when it was wet with chicken blood and some poopie diaper baby whos mom decided it would be fun to go for a ride on the belt. Get over it. ITS CLEAN!

Quoth Retail's Bitch View Post

[I]35.Do not empty your cart onto my belt and then wander away. I don’t read minds. I don’t know where you are, whether you’re coming back and I have a line of people forming.

When dumbasses do this, i simply start scanning their order. Most of the time they arent back in time by the time I am done, a line has formed, and when they do come back, they are glared at by said customers. I don't have to say a thing. They always feel like a putz at that point. All by themselves.....

Quoth Retail's Bitch View Post

[I]43.If we’re out of a sale item. Then we’re out. Not kidding you. Is it the grocery manager’s fault? Actually no. It’s idiots like you who come in and buy 30 of the sale item instead of a normal amount. We ordered enough, we just didn’t figure people would ignore the limits we imposed on goods and get sneaky with it.

I do ordering for one of the departments, and I got to say, there are times that I know something is going on sale, and I order alot! Then come load day, ooops, warehouse is T/O (temporarily out of stock). Its corporates fault for putting something on sale and not making sure we could get our hands on it.

**batmoody** · 08-06-2006, 05:26 PM