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Idiot #1: Training Wheels Edition.
Me: Is this your credit card, Ma'am?
Young girl: Yes.
Me: What is your name?
YG: Jennifer Johnson.
Me: Can you spell it as it reads on the card please?
YG: A-R-T-H-U-R- W-H-I-T-E.
Me: ...
YG: ...
Me: So this isn't your card.
YG: No, it's my Dad's.
Me: *sigh* All right, may I speak to him please?
YG: He's dead.
Me:
...
YG: ...
Me: Ma'am, I cannot process an order with this card.
YG: Why not?
Me: Well, first of all, we need to speak to the cardholder. Second---
YG: But he's dead!
Me: Second of all, if he is deceased then the card needs to be cancelled, as he is the only one who is allowed to use it.
YG: But he's dead.
Me: Yes, that is why we cannot accept an order with this card.
YG: So you're prejudiced against dead people?
Me:...did you really just say that to me, Ma'am?
YG: Um...yeah.
Me: That's what I thought. I cannot accept an order with this card. Do you have any cards in your name?
YG: (sullenly) No. I guess I'll just get a phone through someone else, since you're being such a RETARD! *click*
I know this word is over used on here lately, but I just can't help myself. YOU FAIL. You fail on so many levels I don't even know where to begin. You fail at life. You fail at being a customer. You fail at being a decent human being. I'd tell you to go stick your head in an oven, but I feel sorry for your family.
Idiot #2: The Short Bus Edition.
Me: All right, Sir, to verify your identity I'm going to search in public record for you and bring up a security question or 2 for you. Hang on one moment please.
SC: all right.
Me: *I search for the guy, using his name, add, and last 4 of social, and it comes up with the following message: PERSON REPORTED DECEASED.*
Me: Sir? Who's information did you give me?
SC: I gave you my information!
Me: I'm sorry, sir, but public record is listing you as deceased.
SC: ...Well---
Me: ...
SC: ---Well it's just---it's wrong then! Do I sound deceased to you?!
Me: You would need to take that up with the federal government, sir. You are being reported as deceased. If you want us to process an order with this credit card, I would need to call the issuing bank and have them verify security information with you.
SC: I cannot believe this! Why are you doing this to me? I don't give a rat's ass what the government has declared me as, I want you to put these minutes on my damn phone!
Me: Sir, the identity information that you gave me is either not yours or the government has erroneously listed you as deceased, in which case, you have much bigger problems right now than trying to get minutes on your phone. Would you like me to call the bank for you?
SC: NO!
Me: All right, then, if you want to add minutes to the phone you will need to go to a Bugaboo Phone store.
SC: So why the hell will they take my card but you won't?
Me: Because all they have to do is ask for your ID, sir.
SC: What?!!!
Me: They will ask for ID, sir.
SC: Why?
Me: To make sure that you are using your own credit card.
SC: Well this is just unheard of! I've used his card a million times and nobody's ever asked me to prove who I was before!
Me: You've used his card a million times, huh.
SC: Yes I have! And I've never been treated like this!
Me: So you're admitting you gave me someone else's information.
SC: ----
*click*
You're an idiot. And you were just pwned. That is all.
Idiot #3: The Anger Management Edition.
SC: *as soon as he comes on the line* YOU ARE THE 4TH PERSON I'VE SPOKE TO! SOMEONE ELSE ALREADY TOOK MY INFORMATION, MY CHECKING ACCOUNT NUMBER AND EVERYTHING! THEN HE TRANSFERRED ME TO SOME AUTOMATED SYSTEM, AND IT HUNG UP ON ME! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE! THE PHONE SYSTEM HUNG UP ON ME! WHAT IS GOING ON! I ALREADY DID THIS! I---
Me: Sir, you need to calm down and let me help you.
SC: *breathing heavily* Fine. Fine. What do we need to do to get this done?
Me: Well, it looks like your order just need to be run through a security verification. This just takes a couple of minutes. I---
SC: Well the phone system already hung up on me twice!
Me: I'm sorry about that. I just need to---
SC: It hung up on me! I hit star like it told me to and it hung up on me! I HATE THOSE THINGS!
Me: I'm sorry, sir. I just need to---
SC: Ok, fine! Just transfer me back there and we'll see if it works this time. If not I will call you back. It hung up on me last time. Why do you have to use those damn things, they make me wanna crush my phone with a hammer! I HATE THAT DAMN THING!
Me: Sir, I just need to do a quick security verification. That has nothing---
SC: I SAID, just transfer me back to the phone system, I'll try and deal with it without having a coronary. Cause God knows it's going to give me one someday!
Me: Sir, what I need to do has nothing to do with the automated phone system. I need to do a security verification with you. It just takes a couple of minutes, okay?
SC: Oh, okay, fine. Damn thing hung up on me!
Me: I understand, that, sir. I apologize.
SC: You hate those things too, eh? THEY SHOULD BE ILLEGAL!
Me: Sir let's get this procedure taken care of so you can have your minutes, allright?
SC: Oh! Okay. Let's do it.
I understand phone systems are frustrating. But that is no reason to focus every last drop of your undying scorn upon them, it is a waste of energy. I assure you, there are far better things in life to hate. Like, say, customers who yell at me for things I can't control?
Idiot #4: The Double Bacon and Cheese version.
Me: Thank you for calling---
SC: Yeah! I'd like a double cheeseburger with bacon! Lots of bacon! With Fries! And a large Pepsi!
Me: Hello!
SC: And I'd like a chicken sandwich with extra mayonnaisse! With a large fry and a large Pepsi!
Me: Hello?
SC: Oh! Hi, I was trying to put minutes on my phone. (Loudly) Can I get a total on that please?!
Me: All right, what is your cell phone number, sir?
SC: It's 123-456-7890. I need a total on that you stupid b$#%^&!
Me: ...
SC: Are you there?
Me: Yes, I'm here. You sound like your busy. Would you like to call us back to finish this order when you are not busy?
SC: NO! I need these minutes now! What is the problem? (Speaking loudly again) Here! Shannon, take this moron on the phone and finish putting minutes on it for me. I got to pull around to the window and pay!
Shannon: Hello?
Me: Hello, Are you trying to place an order?
Shannon: Well, duh! He's been trying to place an order for 10 minutes now and your making it all difficult and shit!
Me: Well, Ma'am, I need to be able to speak to him while he is not yelling at someone else. The order needs to be run through a security verification.
Shannon: No you don't. Just process the damn order. We don't have time for this!
Me: I cannot process an order until I can speak to whoever's credit card this is.
Shannon: *SIGHHHHHH* It's his Mom's credit card, and she is not in the car with us right now. Are you stupid?
Me: No, Ma'am, I am not stupid, and I am not going to put with being called names. Either you can have her give us a call, or I can cancel this order for you.
Shannon: Hey! She won't give us our minutes! Here, you talk to her!
SC: Hello! What the hell is going on here! Why is this taking so long? God, you people are so stuuuuupidddd!!!
Me: *I am pissed beyond reason by this time* NO SIR, WE ARE NOT STUPID. You however, are driving, talking on a cell, and eating at the same time, which is not only illegal but dangerous and yes, STUPID. I cannot accept an order with your Mother's credit card unless I speak to her. So either you have her call us, or I am cancelling this order and blacklisting her credit card, and you can just go to a store to refill this phone, after you're done screaming at the drive-thru employee. And if either of you call me stupid one more time, I will hang up this phone, you got that?!
SC: *crickets chirping*
Me: Hello?
SC: *mumbling* I'll have my Mom call you.
Me: Thank you.
You don't want a cheesburger. Can I interest you in some fish?
Idiot #5: Girls Gone Wild, British Edition.
I'm taking this call and dealing with this British guy's order. Suddenly I notice his email address, which he used to place the order and is, in fact, displayed prominently on my screen: nomuff2tuff@fakeaddress.uk
It took a great deal of effort to keep from laughing aloud in his ear.
Me: Is this your credit card, Ma'am?
Young girl: Yes.
Me: What is your name?
YG: Jennifer Johnson.
Me: Can you spell it as it reads on the card please?
YG: A-R-T-H-U-R- W-H-I-T-E.
Me: ...
YG: ...
Me: So this isn't your card.
YG: No, it's my Dad's.
Me: *sigh* All right, may I speak to him please?
YG: He's dead.
Me:
... YG: ...
Me: Ma'am, I cannot process an order with this card.
YG: Why not?
Me: Well, first of all, we need to speak to the cardholder. Second---
YG: But he's dead!
Me: Second of all, if he is deceased then the card needs to be cancelled, as he is the only one who is allowed to use it.
YG: But he's dead.
Me: Yes, that is why we cannot accept an order with this card.
YG: So you're prejudiced against dead people?
Me:...did you really just say that to me, Ma'am?
YG: Um...yeah.
Me: That's what I thought. I cannot accept an order with this card. Do you have any cards in your name?
YG: (sullenly) No. I guess I'll just get a phone through someone else, since you're being such a RETARD! *click*
I know this word is over used on here lately, but I just can't help myself. YOU FAIL. You fail on so many levels I don't even know where to begin. You fail at life. You fail at being a customer. You fail at being a decent human being. I'd tell you to go stick your head in an oven, but I feel sorry for your family.
Idiot #2: The Short Bus Edition.
Me: All right, Sir, to verify your identity I'm going to search in public record for you and bring up a security question or 2 for you. Hang on one moment please.
SC: all right.
Me: *I search for the guy, using his name, add, and last 4 of social, and it comes up with the following message: PERSON REPORTED DECEASED.*
Me: Sir? Who's information did you give me?
SC: I gave you my information!
Me: I'm sorry, sir, but public record is listing you as deceased.
SC: ...Well---
Me: ...
SC: ---Well it's just---it's wrong then! Do I sound deceased to you?!
Me: You would need to take that up with the federal government, sir. You are being reported as deceased. If you want us to process an order with this credit card, I would need to call the issuing bank and have them verify security information with you.
SC: I cannot believe this! Why are you doing this to me? I don't give a rat's ass what the government has declared me as, I want you to put these minutes on my damn phone!
Me: Sir, the identity information that you gave me is either not yours or the government has erroneously listed you as deceased, in which case, you have much bigger problems right now than trying to get minutes on your phone. Would you like me to call the bank for you?
SC: NO!
Me: All right, then, if you want to add minutes to the phone you will need to go to a Bugaboo Phone store.
SC: So why the hell will they take my card but you won't?
Me: Because all they have to do is ask for your ID, sir.
SC: What?!!!
Me: They will ask for ID, sir.
SC: Why?
Me: To make sure that you are using your own credit card.
SC: Well this is just unheard of! I've used his card a million times and nobody's ever asked me to prove who I was before!
Me: You've used his card a million times, huh.
SC: Yes I have! And I've never been treated like this!
Me: So you're admitting you gave me someone else's information.
SC: ----
*click*
You're an idiot. And you were just pwned. That is all.
Idiot #3: The Anger Management Edition.
SC: *as soon as he comes on the line* YOU ARE THE 4TH PERSON I'VE SPOKE TO! SOMEONE ELSE ALREADY TOOK MY INFORMATION, MY CHECKING ACCOUNT NUMBER AND EVERYTHING! THEN HE TRANSFERRED ME TO SOME AUTOMATED SYSTEM, AND IT HUNG UP ON ME! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE! THE PHONE SYSTEM HUNG UP ON ME! WHAT IS GOING ON! I ALREADY DID THIS! I---
Me: Sir, you need to calm down and let me help you.
SC: *breathing heavily* Fine. Fine. What do we need to do to get this done?
Me: Well, it looks like your order just need to be run through a security verification. This just takes a couple of minutes. I---
SC: Well the phone system already hung up on me twice!
Me: I'm sorry about that. I just need to---
SC: It hung up on me! I hit star like it told me to and it hung up on me! I HATE THOSE THINGS!
Me: I'm sorry, sir. I just need to---
SC: Ok, fine! Just transfer me back there and we'll see if it works this time. If not I will call you back. It hung up on me last time. Why do you have to use those damn things, they make me wanna crush my phone with a hammer! I HATE THAT DAMN THING!
Me:
Sir, I just need to do a quick security verification. That has nothing---SC: I SAID, just transfer me back to the phone system, I'll try and deal with it without having a coronary. Cause God knows it's going to give me one someday!
Me: Sir, what I need to do has nothing to do with the automated phone system. I need to do a security verification with you. It just takes a couple of minutes, okay?
SC: Oh, okay, fine. Damn thing hung up on me!
Me: I understand, that, sir. I apologize.
SC: You hate those things too, eh? THEY SHOULD BE ILLEGAL!
Me: Sir let's get this procedure taken care of so you can have your minutes, allright?
SC: Oh! Okay. Let's do it.
I understand phone systems are frustrating. But that is no reason to focus every last drop of your undying scorn upon them, it is a waste of energy. I assure you, there are far better things in life to hate. Like, say, customers who yell at me for things I can't control?
Idiot #4: The Double Bacon and Cheese version.
Me: Thank you for calling---
SC: Yeah! I'd like a double cheeseburger with bacon! Lots of bacon! With Fries! And a large Pepsi!
Me:
Hello!SC: And I'd like a chicken sandwich with extra mayonnaisse! With a large fry and a large Pepsi!
Me: Hello?
SC: Oh! Hi, I was trying to put minutes on my phone. (Loudly) Can I get a total on that please?!
Me: All right, what is your cell phone number, sir?
SC: It's 123-456-7890. I need a total on that you stupid b$#%^&!
Me: ...
SC: Are you there?
Me: Yes, I'm here. You sound like your busy. Would you like to call us back to finish this order when you are not busy?
SC: NO! I need these minutes now! What is the problem? (Speaking loudly again) Here! Shannon, take this moron on the phone and finish putting minutes on it for me. I got to pull around to the window and pay!
Shannon: Hello?
Me: Hello, Are you trying to place an order?
Shannon: Well, duh! He's been trying to place an order for 10 minutes now and your making it all difficult and shit!
Me: Well, Ma'am, I need to be able to speak to him while he is not yelling at someone else. The order needs to be run through a security verification.
Shannon: No you don't. Just process the damn order. We don't have time for this!
Me: I cannot process an order until I can speak to whoever's credit card this is.
Shannon: *SIGHHHHHH* It's his Mom's credit card, and she is not in the car with us right now. Are you stupid?
Me: No, Ma'am, I am not stupid, and I am not going to put with being called names. Either you can have her give us a call, or I can cancel this order for you.
Shannon: Hey! She won't give us our minutes! Here, you talk to her!
SC: Hello! What the hell is going on here! Why is this taking so long? God, you people are so stuuuuupidddd!!!
Me: *I am pissed beyond reason by this time* NO SIR, WE ARE NOT STUPID. You however, are driving, talking on a cell, and eating at the same time, which is not only illegal but dangerous and yes, STUPID. I cannot accept an order with your Mother's credit card unless I speak to her. So either you have her call us, or I am cancelling this order and blacklisting her credit card, and you can just go to a store to refill this phone, after you're done screaming at the drive-thru employee. And if either of you call me stupid one more time, I will hang up this phone, you got that?!
SC:
*crickets chirping*Me: Hello?
SC: *mumbling* I'll have my Mom call you.
Me: Thank you.
You don't want a cheesburger. Can I interest you in some fish?
Idiot #5: Girls Gone Wild, British Edition.
I'm taking this call and dealing with this British guy's order. Suddenly I notice his email address, which he used to place the order and is, in fact, displayed prominently on my screen: nomuff2tuff@fakeaddress.uk
It took a great deal of effort to keep from laughing aloud in his ear.
You put up with this nonsense day in and day out ,and you put Scs in their place.
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