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  • So I'm Depressed... yay

    I lost my job.

    Why doesn't matter but its a good place to start this story so I am.

    I spent a few days feeling basically fine, not bad, happy to actually sleep in a bit cause while i like working 5-6 am shifts, my insomnia and some pain from a 'I'm a moron' injury on my legs made sleeping hard.

    Then my uncle came to town, took my mother my grandmother, my aunt and me to dinner and well.... I could feel myself spiraling into depression before I even order dinner with my uncle giving me his 'I know your a fuck up but I'm to nice to point it out' voice and my aunt giving me dirty looks for taking time of school.

    So at first it wasn't so bad, I can usually power through one of my bouts of depression pretty well, and just add a bit more cute-things-that-make-me-happy to my life.

    But my insomnia was still bad, my legs still hurt making sitting or walking hard so i wound up laying around more than not and my mother wasn't hiding her general frustration with me well.

    Raging me for trying to stay in my bed in hopes of sleeping at 2 am and not 'just getting up and doing something productive' and going so far as to call me useless to her at one point. Mostly because I would finally fall asleep at around 10 am and sleep until 12 or 1.

    I realized I was really really depressed the other night when I decided to give in and finally take a dose of my sleeping pills in hopes of actually sleeping at night and for more than 2-3 hours. I knocked too many pills into my hand and for a brief second considered just taking them all.

    I had a nice little 'Oh! I'm that depressed' moment, put my pills back, took my actual dose locked them away in another room and cried on the phone to my friend and slept for 5 hours instead of 3.

    Thankfully the last few days my insomnia has decided to break a bit and I've been super exhausted and actually sleeping, again in bursts of 3ish hours but hey its sleep.

  • #2
    I'm sorry you're going through that. That sucks.

    It sounds like your family is being toxic and unsupportive. Is it possible to avoid them while you work through this bout?
    "I look at the stars. It's a clear night and the Milky Way seems so near. That's where I'll be going soon. "We are all star stuff." I suddenly remember Delenn's line from Joe's script. Not a bad prospect. I am not afraid. In the meantime, let me close my eyes and sense the beauty around me. And take that breath under the dark sky full of stars. Breathe in. Breathe out. That's all."
    -Mira Furlan

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    • #3
      *hugs* I was right there in October last year. I'm glad you were able to talk to your friend. For me it was a nice lady at Samaritans.

      I don't know what your situation is, but could a visit to the doctor help? Whether it's help with the insomnia (which has a massive knock-on effect on your mental state) or medication and/or exercises to help with the pain in your legs it could make a big difference. They may also be able to help you with therapy (cognitive behavioural therapy can make a big difference in challenging what your depression is telling you) or, if necessary, anti-depressants to help push your brain in the right direction.

      While they may not have caused the depression, your insomnia and pains in your legs have almost certainly deepened it, and dealing with them would make getting back on your emotional feet easier.
      "It is traditional when asking for help or advice to listen to the answers you receive" - RealUnimportant

      Rev that Engine Louder, I Can't Hear How Small Your Dick Is - Jay 2K Winger

      The Darwin Awards The best site to visit to restore your faith in instant karma.

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      • #4
        Quoth greek_jester View Post

        While they may not have caused the depression, your insomnia and pains in your legs have almost certainly deepened it, and dealing with them would make getting back on your emotional feet easier.
        My legs are 95% better, not bothering me anymore, just some itchy skin from healing and scabbing, as for seeing a doctor in general...

        I know i need to see a doctor, but its one of those things that... makes me feel like im not in control, cause I'll see a doctor and I'll have to have a needle stuck in my arm which will get my anxiety up and all the other stuff that would happen. And it will all be with a new doctor who knows nothing about me.

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        • #5
          When I got diagnosed with depression I never had to do any bloodwork, thankfully. And seeing a doctor for help is actually a method of control - you are trying to get help instead of letting the depression control you. And thinking that seeking helps means you're not in control is depression speaking. Been there, got the t-shirt, and the pills that keep me from completely circling the drain.

          Even with it being a new doctor, you have to start some place. Hopefully you'll click with this new doctor so that it makes this whole experience a little easier. And if your anxiety is that bad around needles, speak to the doctor about getting an Ativan prescription to help calm your nerves. Pop one about 30 minutes before you report to get your blood drawn and ideally you should be good.

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          • #6
            Quoth KuariKaydrith View Post
            And if your anxiety is that bad around needles, speak to the doctor about getting an Ativan prescription to help calm your nerves. Pop one about 30 minutes before you report to get your blood drawn and ideally you should be good.
            I can sympathise as I have a full-blown phobia about needles. I have found, however, that most professionals are very good if you let them know in advance that you have a problem. What works best for me is never seeing the needle, staring off in some random direction and just babbling about whatever comes into my head to distract myself. Given my various health issues avoiding getting stuck wasn't an option, so I learned to cope. Breathing exercises also help, since they force you to focus on the rhythm you're trying to keep up rather than what's happening to the rest of you.
            "It is traditional when asking for help or advice to listen to the answers you receive" - RealUnimportant

            Rev that Engine Louder, I Can't Hear How Small Your Dick Is - Jay 2K Winger

            The Darwin Awards The best site to visit to restore your faith in instant karma.

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            • #7
              Quoth greek_jester View Post
              What works best for me is never seeing the needle, staring off in some random direction and just babbling about whatever comes into my head to distract myself. Given my various health issues avoiding getting stuck wasn't an option, so I learned to cope. Breathing exercises also help, since they force you to focus on the rhythm you're trying to keep up rather than what's happening to the rest of you.
              ^^^ This is what I do. I no longer need 2 people to do a blood test. But I absolutely can not see that needle. Throw in veins that are smaller than most and deeper than usual, even the kids sized needles don't always work.

              If you need to have any blood drawn, have lots of water and really wrap up warm. It's helps get the blood flowing along and will make it easier for them to be quick. Since I was told this, they have been able to get more out of me than before. (Worst was only getting half a vial after 20 minutes when they needed 3 for all the tests that were needed. Last time, they managed to get 1 1/2 out of 3 vials needed.)

              If going to the doctor is a step too far at the moment, try calling your local LifeLine or Samaritans or whatever they are called in your area. They won't judge (like your family seem to be doing) and may be able to point you in the direction of more targeted help.

              From one depression fighter to another, I'm sending you gentle hugs and good vibes.
              A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read. - Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!

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              • #8
                *hugs**hugs*
                The Copyright Monster has made me tell you that my avatar is courtesy of the wonderful Alice XZ.And you don't want to annoy the Copyright Monster.

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                • #9
                  I don't know if you've ever heard of Boggle the Owl, but before he/she went silent there were some wonderful cartoons and posters. Here are some of my favourites, handily collected by someone else:

                  Insight and Wisdom from Boggle the Owl

                  I don't know if the Facebook, Twitter or Tumblr sites are still in operation (I don't deal with either) but it might be worth checking out.
                  "It is traditional when asking for help or advice to listen to the answers you receive" - RealUnimportant

                  Rev that Engine Louder, I Can't Hear How Small Your Dick Is - Jay 2K Winger

                  The Darwin Awards The best site to visit to restore your faith in instant karma.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth greek_jester View Post
                    *hugs*
                    Quoth Kit-Ginevra View Post
                    *hugs**hugs*
                    *hugs/group hug*

                    I get it sometimes. I just can't deal with seeing someone about it.
                    AkaiKitsune
                    Sarcasm dear, sarcasm. I’m well aware that dealing with civilians in any capacity will skin your faith in humanity alive, then pickle anything that remains so as to watch it shrivel up into an immortal husk thus reminding you of how dead inside you now are.

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                    • #11
                      So glad you put those pills back! HUGS AND KITTENS TO YA.

                      Hope you're doing better. I can relate. Job-loss-related depression, what a PITA it is.
                      When you start at zero, everything's progress.

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                      • #12
                        One good thing about writing it down was today was the first day in more than a week I willingly left the house so... yay?

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                        • #13
                          I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Your family does sound unsupportive, to say the least. I get the impression that you worked the 'graveyard shift' and if that's so, I'm guessing they do not understand that that screws up your sleep schedule in a big way, and it doesn't just flip back again. It will take time to readjust.

                          Can you get away from your family for any length of time? Stay with a friend or other (more empathetic) family members for a nice visit?
                          Customer service: More efficient than a Dementor's kiss
                          ~ Mr Hero

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                          • #14
                            Quoth Pixelated View Post
                            Can you get away from your family for any length of time? Stay with a friend or other (more empathetic) family members for a nice visit?
                            So i have a log standing history of well... social isolation.
                            Its not that I don't want to meet people, i just have a hard time doing so between social anxiety, restlessness/necessity that makes me wind up 'relocating' every few years, and social awkwardness due to the fact I never really learned to be 'a normal' human being growing up. (To put this in perspective, I was raised by a verbally and emotionally abusive man who's friends, at least when I was growing up, where criminals or his own family, and an uptight mormon woman who only decided to try and have friends outside her family after she kicked my dad out when I was 18. My best friends growing up where 1. a girl who was jumping from foster home back to her family back into foster care and had a history of sexual abuse and other even worse stuff back in second grade 2. A girl with a terminal disease who died when we were in 7th grade and 3. The rough and rowdy kids that would naturally gravitate to a girl who cut herself, slept with anything on two legs and often couched surfed to avoid being in a situation that would send her back to a foster home or her still abusive father (aka friend #1) and it didn't get better because well... i'm freaking weird.)
                            My only friends right now are either college kids who just started the school year 3 hours away and the friend i had my 'well I kind of almost attempted suicide talk' with in the OP, who lives in England because they got sick of the US.

                            As for family?
                            My dads side of the family hasn't talked to any of us but my mom since my dad died, usually in an attempt to make my mom feel like crap for divorcing my dad, and my mom's side of the family basically sees me as a failure to woman kind cause I am an non-gender conforming infertile lesbian. Outside my current living situation and family I have my sister ad my brother, and my brother is dealing with his own health issues right now.
                            Also, my personality and general traits means person to person interactions with my brother and sister can be strained and stressful after about 48 hours.

                            As I have been on the cusp of homelessness since 2012 it my mom or the street.

                            Also at the moment I have been awake for 22 hours, FML

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                            • #15
                              OK, do you have any savings? Perhaps you could check into a motel for a couple of days, just to try to get some sleep? Not ideal, I know, but if you don't get some sleep then you're not going to be physically or emotionally capable of working on anything else.
                              "It is traditional when asking for help or advice to listen to the answers you receive" - RealUnimportant

                              Rev that Engine Louder, I Can't Hear How Small Your Dick Is - Jay 2K Winger

                              The Darwin Awards The best site to visit to restore your faith in instant karma.

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