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Flying Tortillas From Hell

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  • #16
    Quoth SixFortyK View Post
    I spent the next few minutes fantasizing about chucking all sorts of grocery items at this jerk.
    I'd recommend unripe apples, peaches, or plums. They're hard, the second two have stones inside, and they handle about the same as baseballs. Grapefruits are tempting due to their size and softball-like handling, but they are rather soft and have a lot of air in them. Melons are tempting due to their weight, but their weight makes them hard to throw for distance and accuracy, or to get any velocity behind them. Pineapples are tempting due to their evil shape, but their aerodynamic qualities are poor, to say the least. Frozen pizzas are tempting due to their similarity to a discus, but inside the box, they lose a lot of that, and it takes some time to unwrap them.

    Not suggesting you DO throw anything at customers, mind you. But should you ever find yourself in need of defending yourself from unruly customers with CPFIs (Clerk Propelled Food Items), I thought I'd offer my advice.

    Oh, and onions. Definitely consider onions. Not green onions or shallots, mind you, but those big baseball-to-softball-sized white, yellow, and red onions.

    "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
    Still A Customer."

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    • #17
      I posted on here a while back that some asshole threw a frozen juice container at my mom and it dented the wall behind her, the dent is still there too but the asshole that caused it never (to our knowlege) came back.
      ......../\
      ....../__\
      ..../\...../\
      ../__\../__\

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      • #18
        Quoth Jester View Post
        I'd recommend unripe apples, peaches, or plums. They're hard, the second two have stones inside, and they handle about the same as baseballs. Grapefruits are tempting due to their size and softball-like handling, but they are rather soft and have a lot of air in them. Melons are tempting due to their weight, but their weight makes them hard to throw for distance and accuracy, or to get any velocity behind them. Pineapples are tempting due to their evil shape, but their aerodynamic qualities are poor, to say the least. Frozen pizzas are tempting due to their similarity to a discus, but inside the box, they lose a lot of that, and it takes some time to unwrap them.

        Not suggesting you DO throw anything at customers, mind you. But should you ever find yourself in need of defending yourself from unruly customers with CPFIs (Clerk Propelled Food Items), I thought I'd offer my advice.

        Oh, and onions. Definitely consider onions. Not green onions or shallots, mind you, but those big baseball-to-softball-sized white, yellow, and red onions.
        Ah, but the benefits of grapefruits or similar is that they could not then be turned around and thrown back, which many of the harder fruits/vegetables could be.
        "Bring me knitting!" (The Doctor - not the one you were expecting)

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        • #19
          Quoth KatherineB View Post
          Ah, but the benefits of grapefruits or similar is that they could not then be turned around and thrown back, which many of the harder fruits/vegetables could be.
          Noted. Towards that end, I'd recommend eggs and very ripe tomatoes. Especially big beefsteak tomatoes, as they are more explosive on impact, thus giving the double benefits of being messier AND impossible to return fire with.

          "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
          Still A Customer."

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          • #20
            I spent the next few minutes fantasizing about chucking all sorts of grocery items at this jerk.
            Quoth Jester View Post
            I'd recommend unripe apples, peaches, or plums. They're hard, the second two have stones inside, and they handle about the same as baseballs.
            I was thinking more along the lines of a nice frozen turkey.

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            • #21
              Same problem as the larger produce: too heavy to give you any chance of getting up any decent velocity.

              Although I hear they're good for bowling.....

              "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
              Still A Customer."

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              • #22
                Though the Rock Cornish Game Hens...
                I am not an a**hole. I am a hemorrhoid. I irritate a**holes!
                Procrastination: Forward planning to insure there is something to do tomorrow.
                Derails threads faster than a pocket nuke.

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                • #23
                  Quoth dalesys View Post
                  Though the Rock Cornish Game Hens...
                  Cue SC complaint:

                  Giant Poultry Packing Company, your product is labeled in a misleading manner. The cashier at the grocery store was rude to me, so I threw one of your Rock Cornish Game Hens at her. Instead of knocking her cold like a rock (which your label implied it was) would have, it just made her mad, and she called the cops. If it weren't for your misleading labels, I wouldn't be in jail.
                  Any fool can piss on the floor. It takes a talented SC to shit on the ceiling.

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                  • #24
                    Quoth KatherineB View Post
                    Ah, but the benefits of grapefruits or similar is that they could not then be turned around and thrown back, which many of the harder fruits/vegetables could be.
                    If they get back up, you're doing it wrong
                    "English is the result of Norman men-at-arms attempting to pick up Saxon barmaids and is no more legitimate than any of the other results."
                    - H. Beam Piper

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                    • #25
                      Quoth wolfie View Post
                      Cue SC complaint:

                      Giant Poultry Packing Company, your product is labeled in a misleading manner. The cashier at the grocery store was rude to me, so I threw one of your Rock Cornish Game Hens at her. Instead of knocking her cold like a rock (which your label implied it was) would have, it just made her mad, and she called the cops. If it weren't for your misleading labels, I wouldn't be in jail.
                      I believe the thread you want is over here.
                      "Crazy may always be open for business, but on the full moon, it has buy one get one free specials." - WishfulSpirit

                      "Sometimes customers remind me of zombies, but I'm pretty sure that zombies are smarter." - MelindaJoy77

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                      • #26
                        Quoth wolfie View Post
                        I don't think that's what the Marx Brothers had in mind when they filmed "Duck Soup".
                        How do you make Duck Soup?

                        "Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life."
                        "That's too bad. Hospitals aren't fun to fight through."
                        "What IS fun to fight through?"
                        "Gardens. Electronics shops. Antique stores, but only if they're classy."

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