Everyday Absurdities

[Halo_miles]

In all seriousness... I want a bumper sticker that says "Spay Or Neuter Your Truck".

YOU. You need to market this, NOW.

[Miss Fatale]

When I was 20, I worked for a children's museum. One fine Saturday, I was enjoying the view from a large upstairs window, along with several children. Then we spied it: An anti-abortion parade. And suddenly I had to find a way to delicately explain abortion to a group of seven year olds.

[pzychobitch]

I actually clicked on that website, and snickered like a 3 year old when i saw it said "takes a licking"

(side note, i'm half tempted to put those on my granny car)

[Antisocial_Worker]

I'm wearing shorts today because I don't feel like being lectured by an autistic kid on the importance of wearing shorts when it's hot. Especially when, as we do every damn day that it isn't raining, we're going to spend an illuminating hour and a half playing basketball. I figured it was easier to just give in rather than face the little professor.

[Raveni]

Today, I had to explain why "have a pony-riffic day" is not an appropriate closing for a work email.

[Antisocial_Worker]

Teachable moments...

I work with autistic teenagers, teaching life skills. One of them particularly misses his last caseworker, who was apparently a lot of fun. Therefore, in order to prove that I am not a total stick in the mud, I have taught this kid the following things:

-- proper usage of the words and phrases "meh," "w00t," "lame," "full of fail," and "nom nom nom."

-- how to make a farting noise with your armpit.

-- that when someone in the next basketball court over is repeatedly singing "Feliz Navidad" at the top of their lungs on the first day of June, while you may fantasize about hitting them in the head with the basketball, it is never appropriate to actually hit them in the head with the basketball.

Also, on occasion we chase squirrels and birds for fun.

[Antisocial_Worker]

It came to my attention today that I am being paid to check out an extremely handsome teenage boy's ass. Part of his problems involve the bathroom, thus I have to cast frequent surreptitious glances to make sure nothing is oozing out, soaking through, or, God forbid, squirting.

Just another day at the office.

[NorthernZel]

(NSFW WARNING)








Had a sorta awkward situation lately:

Lil'Zel is getting ready to get to bed, and as I am drawing the curtains he asks: "Um, mom, why is my wee-wee looking funny?"

I turn around and see... well, I see an erection. As you have probably read on Cracked, infant, baby and toddler boners are purely spontaneus and very normal, but how to explain it to a child that just got aware of that, and even better - when you're a female and Dad isn't around to explain the basics?

I tried my really best to say in a non-plussed way, "well, it's the blood vessels down there misbehaving, just disregard it and it'll be all back to normal in a couple of minutes", but DAMN I felt uncomfortable.

[Draper Mel]

I love working in theater, because sometimes you get to hear stuff like "Dead Tybalt to the stage please. Dead Tybalt to the stage" over the monitor speaker.

Or one a friend of my posted the other day: "What did you do today? Oh, nothing much. Turned a man into a donkey in under a minute."

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

I tried my really best to say in a non-plussed way, "well, it's the blood vessels down there misbehaving, just disregard it and it'll be all back to normal in a couple of minutes", but DAMN I felt uncomfortable.

Because I am a horrible horrible person, I would've just shrugged and said "If it lasts more than four hours, we'll have to go see the doctor."

[Opalin]

I actually had the reverse situation of having to explain to my mom and several of her friends (all twice my age) that they now made more than dildos for female pleasure, and had to explain my the lady at the 'woman's wellness' kept talking about her 'rabbit' as her favorite toy.
>_<
And they wanted to know why I essentially just stayed next to the chocolate station the entire time...

[Antisocial_Worker]

I've been working on an autistic teenager's fear of dogs by taking him to the humane society where we first work with cats and kittens, and then ease into the process of walking slow, decrepit dogs. However, it's mostly the cats we deal with. I always had cats around when growing up, but working there has reminded me of several things that had slipped my mind:

-- No matter how prepared you are for the shelter's population of "Hemingway cats" it's still jarring to see a cat with seven or eight toes per paw.

-- Kittens, like humans, have that awkward phase of adolescence. In kittens, however, it manifests as looking like gremlins when their ears suddenly double in size while the rest of the kitten struggles to keep up.

-- Like ugly babies, ugly cats are rare, but they're out there.

-- Like humans, occasionally you'll find a cat with an enormous nose. I think of them as the Jimmy Durante's of the animal kingdom.

-- Like humans, occasionally you'll find a cat with ocd. I watched a little black gremlin kitten pounce on a fluffy little Siamese, hold it down, and bathe it -- because it just wasn't clean enough.

-- Yes, the fat cat looks like a walking watermelon. However, because of its black and white markings that look astonishingly like those of a killer whale, its nickname shall not be Melon, but Shamu.

-- Dogs are not the nuclear physicists of the animal kingdom. We've done some work with dogs, occasionally some very energetic dogs. So energetic, in fact that it's less of a walk than it is a nice, brisk drag around the property. The dogs are fond of pulling so hard on the leash that they choke themselves, but it never occurs to them to stop pulling. Likewise, it never seems to occur to them that you do not need to sniff, bounce around, poop, and pee all at the same time. These things can be done one at a time.

[Jay 2K Winger]

-- Dogs are not the nuclear physicists of the animal kingdom.

You ain't kidding. Some dogs are smarter than others, but they're still pretty dumb.

Also, because I thought of this as soon as I read that line.

[AccountingDrone]

Our new feline overlord is finally growing into his paws, so he is much less like a great dane puppy. Actually, I have to say he has hit that elegant egyptian god point finally.

I don't know what it is, but I really hate flat faces in cats, they look like they ran full tilt into a glass door. 5 has that lovely svelt body, with the long neck and an actual muzzle on his face. I promise to get a better picture of him and post it soon.

[The Hurting]

I had to teach an elderly lady how to open a bottle of Scope - 5 times. Compared to other things I've encountered during my work week, this is one of the better ones.