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Where We Learn The Colour Of The Messiah
I hath semi-returned! I don't currently have a functional office chair at home so posting is a tad difficult in recent weeks. I'm not allowed to sit in my old one anymore as it has essentially become the anti-thesis to my physio ( Its about as ergonomic as a park bench ). Hence my recent absences. Its rather difficult to type on a virtual keyboard on my tablet. Ordered a new chair, but its crap and I have to return it tomorrow. Also been sick as fark with food poisoning. So, all and all, not in a typable state at home.
But I digress, whilst you may read my posts for my misery, its not *that* particular kind of misery you're looking for I'm sure. ;p This could be on the long side, I have kind of a backlog going.
Flanders
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Yes indeedideely!”
If I may just interrupt for a moment, good sir! I fear there is no time zone on this continent where that level of perkiness is socially acceptable at this hour. Please dial down your excitement level accordingly.
Me: “Alright, what size?”
SC: “Are those flared jeans?”
Me: “Let me check…...no, sorry, they are not”
SC: “Oh, do you have any flared.....women’s.....jeans?”
Um...I…..guess? Maybe? Why exactly are you excitedly shopping for flared women’s jeans in the dead of night anyhow? Your breathless exhilaration combined with a curiously specific garment request has peaked my curiosity. I know the quest for pants is rather common and practically Christmas 2.0 in some parts up there. But you seek an oddly specific type of pants for which I hope you are not the intended wearer. I’m sure you’re a lovely gentlemen, but the mental image I’m getting from your voice does not look good in flared women’s jeans.
Flannel, snow pants, a shotgun and a crazed glint in the eye that is the last thing several hitchhikers ever saw, sure. But flared jeans? No, no I don’t think so. I don’t think you have the hips to pull it off in all honesty.
New Colours
Me: “And what colour would you like?”
SC: “Uh……gargual?”
Me: “……Charcoal?”
SC: “Yeah.”
In the future, feel free to just say “Black” and I’ll figure it out from there. I know reading comprehension isn’t too high on anyone’s bucket list on this line at night.
Loneliness
It’s 2am and you’re up early, all bright eyed and bushy tailed. Bursting with energy ready to challenge a new day full of possibilities. Or maybe still awake, blurry eyed and stained with a thin layer of Dorito’s zesty cheese dust from an all night Red Dwarf marathon. But either way, it’s a new day. A fresh start! So what was the first thing that came to your mind to do today?
Call to complain, at 2am, that you never got a call back the last time you called. Not request another call, or a follow up or even to leave a message. Nope. Just call to let me know you never got a call back and you’re quite displeased about it. You don’t want me to do anything to help you or leave any sort of message for you. You just wanted me, personally, to know. Because you care I guess and perhaps felt that I would appreciate your honesty and maybe, just maybe offer you a hug.
Do you need a hug, sir?
The Foresaken Corner
They Foresaken Corner was deserted this evening. Though I did spot the creature which may have scared them all off. A rather alarming, hairy beast that was wandering around the area holding a water bottle like a microphone and bellowing “I WANNA RIDE YOUR BEAR” over and over to no one in particularly. This was mobile performance which, much to my alarm, seemed to be following me for a block or so before it finally changed direction.
Nice Try
To the strange little dude a block up from the office that was nonchalantly leaning against the wall with the beer: No, I don’t want to buy you another beer. I’m not going to change my mind either if, after I walk past you, you scurry ahead of me 20 feet then lean against the side of the building nonchalantly again like you were there the entire time. Then ask me again when I walk by you for the second time.
Yes
SC: "If I buy tickets, is that considered gambling?
I'll assume this is a very polite way of asking "Will this violate my parole conditions?".
Encouragement
Me: “And your address please, ma’am?”
C: “Oh, I’m outside havin’ a smoke. You hang tough boy, while I go get it!”
Yes, ma’am! I will do my best to ride out your departure and hopefully if I just grit my teeth and focus, I’ll emerged unscathed from the other side of your brief absence. It will be tough, I know. But your words of encouragement have inspired me to take this challenge head on!
Yes, Yes You Do
Me: “Good evenin, <company>-“
SC: “Yo! WASSUP BOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIII~”
Me: “……can I help you, sir?”
SC: “……..I think.....um.....I have the wrong number.”
I wholeheartedly concur.
A Simple Request
Attention denizens of Broadway: Please do not spank each other in public. Once might be kind of funny or kind of weird depending on the viewer, but multiple times just makes the rest of us on the Skytrain increasingly uncomfortable with each, er…spank.
I Mean They're All The Same, Right?
( Trying to help find a translator for a stranded passenger, long story, don't ask ;p )
Me: “And what language did they need?”
SC: “Oh it was…..Cantonese? Vietnamese? Japanese? Just get me something Asian.”
....Right.....I don’t suppose you could try and narrow it down a little more, could you? That wasn’t really meant to be a multiple choice question and I don’t think the translation service will appreciate it if I call up and say “Oh, I don’t know. Surprise me!”.
Its A Conspiracy
Whilst we do appreciate customer feedback, sir, I can with great confidence state that we are not in fact running a shady business out of someone's basement designed to scam old people out of their money. Nor have we hijacked your TV and inserted our phone number on screen in place of the number you actually wanted to dial. We are quite legitimate I assure you.
Yes, my coworker whom you hung up on does have an accent. She's from Austria. No, she's not a communist. ....Yes, I have one too ( I guess? ) and I did in fact say "Zed" instead of "Zee". Because I'm Canadian. No, I can't "Go back to my own country", I'm already in my own country. Yes, you did win a war against the British over taxes. No, I'm not British and I'm not trying to get payback on you by stealing your money.
Sir, exactly how old are you anyway?
The Foresaken Corner II
A Challenger Appears! Occupying the corner this evening was the debut show of a scruffy, red bearded hobo that was laying down…phat…beats…or whatever it is they do, I’m not sure. He had teamed up with Generic Dude On The Bongos #4 ( You know, the guy with the drums that only really plays two notes thats on every street corner in every major city in North America ) to provide background music. Oddly….he was actually pretty good I must admit. He was actually able to rap, in time with the music ( All two notes of it ) and using words that actually rhymed. I must admit to being a bit shocked. I’m not use to encountering anything resembling talent on my way here.
Thus, I shall call them Red Beard & Coco.
Pop Up Biography
SC: “My biological sister, whom I’ve never met, works as a charge nurse at the hospital in the ER. I’m adopted you see, but she wasn’t. But I've never met here either. I just know where she works.”
….Alright….well then. Um…..how do I put this? As interesting as that personal factoid was, the question I asked was “And your address please?” not “Does your life in any way resemble an episode of the Jerry Springer show?”. I guess the two are very similar and its rather easy to get them mixed up.
Pop Up Biography II
SC: “Are you guys in Vancouver?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “Did you get snow tonight?”
Me: “No-“
SC: “Yes you did!”
Me: “……”
SC: “My daughter lives in Richmond and she got snow tonight!”
Is she your biological daughter or is she adopted? Also, why are you calling again and just randomly telling me about your life? My primary function here is to sell our fine wares and I’m not entirely sure where you got the impression this was a chat line. I’ve heard the ad on the radio and I'm pretty sure the product tagline wasn't "Are You Still Awake? Are You......Lonely?" accompanied by slow jazz music.
We're Here To Help
SC: “Let me see if I have my account number…..”
Me: “Alright.”
SC: “…….hmmmm…….um…..hm…….<sigh>……hmmmm……..hm…….ummmm… …<sigh> hm……..ummm…..hmmmmm…..hm……<sigh>….hmmmmm…..ummm…”
I’m not sure if you’re seeking your account number or beat boxing really slowly. Do you need me to do anything? Should I hook you up with some background vocals? Maybe drop a bass line? I mean, I am here to provide stellar customer service after all and if a man needs him some phat beats or a sexy hook for a track, <company> is there….uh…yo.
If Only There Was Some Way To Fix That
SC: “You’ll have to really speak up. I can’t hear well and I don’t have my hearing aid in.”
Yet you have chosen to use a device based entirely on sound. I can’t help but feel that you missed a step before you called.
The Foresaken Corner III
Red Beard & Coco have added some random dude with an electric guitar to their show and changed their genre of music to soft rock. Thus officially qualifying as a band. As a newly formed act, they should probably come up with some sort of snazzy band name. Considering where they choose to perform and their disinterested in personal grooming, I would like to officially submit “Hobo Mojo”.
Perhaps I Can Help
SC: "Yes, I wanted to change my previous order. I'd like to order more tickets."
Me: “Do your order number?”
SC: “Oh, yes, hang on………….hm……….um……..why can’t I find it?!”
I fear I do not know the answer to that question. But! Since you insist on asking me for some reason, perhaps I can offer a list of helpful possible scenarios:
- You lost it.
- You’re not wearing your glasses.
- You forgot to turn on the lights before trying to read anything.
- You have a crippling gambling problem and your wife hid it from you.
- Identity thieves broke into your home and only stole your order number as step one in an elaborate plan to completely assume your identity over the course of the next 2 weeks so by the time they finally assume your persona and lock you in the basement their tickets should just be arriving.
- A family pet has ingested it ( Feel free to call back in 2-3 days when you get it back ).
- There is a poltergeist haunting your home and he is worried about your crippling gambling problem too and has hidden it on you.
- Velociraptors.
- You are not actually in your own home, while you were sleeping scientists drugged you and moved you to an exact replica of your home and everyone around you know and love is being portrayed by trained actors as part of a grand psychological experiment but they forgot to duplicate your order number.
Feel free to use any of these as a valid explanation.
New Colours II
Me: “And what colour would you like?”
SC: “Christ Indalow”
…..I’m going to assume you mean “Greased Indigo”, however I will admit your version does sound like it would be a much more impressive colour.
.......
SC: “Yeah, I was just looking at your website. Do you sell photographs?”
Website full of clothing. Website named after clothing. Website covered in sizing guides and brand information of clothing. Website only has categories for clothing. Answering phrase when I picked up the phone includes clothing. First thing I asked was if you wanted to order clothing.
You know what? Sure, fuck it. If all of that didn't shake you off this misguided trail nothing else I say is going to dissuade you. So yes. We sell photographs. Tons of them. Feel free to check out our website and let me know when you find something you like.
Sorry
Me: “Are you 19 or older?”
SC: “Oh God! ………….am I ever.”
My apologies, sir. I keep forgetting that this question seems to be tantamount to asking “Are you hurdling helplessly towards the grave?” to some people. Once again, on behalf of our company, I would like to apologize for reminding you of your own impending morality and urge you to try and cling to life long enough to receive your order.
Nope!
SC: “I’d like to put it on VISA”
Me: “Alright-“
SC: “Do you need the number?”
Nope! I’m good. I mean, any VISA will do right? You just want to put it on VISA. By all means, allow me. I’ll just enter my own card number. I mean, really, why would I need your card number in order to place an order for you? That’s just silly talk! Why, any number should do! It’s not like these things are checked against the name or billing address or anything.
In fact, I’m just going to mash the numpad until I fill the order form with enough numbers. That should do it!
Its A Mystery
Me: “And what was the problem?”
SC: “….Gee……..what was the problem?”
Me: “…………..”
SC: “……..I don’t know.”
That…sort of begs the question “Why did you call then?”. As the whole theory behind this line being open in the dead of night is in case anyone has a problem. If you do not have a problem, I don’t really have any avenue by which I may assist you. Beyond offering the companionship of another conscious human being to sooth your lonely, insomniac heart.
The Foresaken Corner IV
Hobo Mojo is out again this evening. Performing a daring mash up of Queen’s “Another One Bites The Dust” vs “I Was Born To Love You” vs bongo drums. Which Red Beard was singing to a poster of an underwear model in the store window behind him. Apparently these guys actually are one of our local bands that play around here ( Thus explaining why they have actual talent ) which makes me kind of sad. As it means they didn't just spontaneously form a musical hobo alliance as I had hoped. Well, maybe they did to begin with. I can dream, can't I?
Although, I will give props to the dude across the street from them who was defiantly playing a ukulele in the face of their rock. You go, ukulele guy, stick it to them.
Hyenas
Me: “What is your name please ma’am?”
Hyena #1: "A......M....<giggle snort> I.....<giggle>"
Hyena #2: "<snerk-giggle>”
Ah, wonderful. Hyenas.
Me: “And your last name please, ma’am?”
Hyena #1: “Last name?”
Hyena #2: “Hahhahaha!”
Hyena #1: “Broooooooowwwwwwn! <giggle>…..hahahahah!”
Hyena #2: “Hahaha!”
Aren’t there suppose to be three of you?
Me: “How do you spell that please ma’am?”
Hyena #1: “B...o....r....?”
Hyena #2: “<snort>”
Hyena #3: "Hahah!"
Ah, there we go.
Hyena #1: “B-R-O! …Sorry about that, I’m just drunk!”
Really now! My word, I never would have guessed. You’re such a model of composure and coherency.
Me: “And your phone number please ma’am?”
Hyena #1: “555-“
Hyena #2: “<snerk>”
Hyena #1: “454-4545?”
Hyena #2: “<sner-hahaha!”
Hyena #1: “No, 5544!”
Hyena #2: “No! 4545!”
Hyena #3: "5544!"
Me: “….Sorry, what was the number again?”
Hyena #1: “555-……wait...my number or your number?”
What have I done, universe? Clearly I must have done something horribly wrong and thus must suffer the karmic punishment of this call. Was it something recent? Or have I committed some terrible crime in a past life? What was it? What have I done? It must have been truly unforgivable.
…..Did I invent TV commercials?
Me: “And your address please, ma’am?”
Hyena #1: “…….what’s our address?”
Hyena #2: “<mumble mumble>”
Hyena #3: "Uh....N something?"
Hyena #1: “………..Hey, how do you spell it?”
Hyena #2: “…..N….....I....?”
I must admit I genuinely worry about our species when there are apparently members of it for whom “Get liquored up and order pants” is an awesome Saturday night.
Me: “And the item number please?”
Hyena #1: “….what’s the item number?”
Hyena #2: “6xxx!”
Hyena #1: “6xxx?”
Hyena #3: "5xxx!"
Now, I realize you’re trying to work with a blood alcohol level so high you could probably dissolve paint with a nose bleed. But this would go a lot faster if one of you held both the phone and the catalog at the same time.
Me: “Anything else?”
Hyena #1: “No, ma’am.”
You know I may be groggy when I first wake up, but I'm pretty sure I would have noticed *that* before I left the house.......and worn something that flatters my hips a better.
annnnnd rest.
But I digress, whilst you may read my posts for my misery, its not *that* particular kind of misery you're looking for I'm sure. ;p This could be on the long side, I have kind of a backlog going.
Flanders
Me: “Are you calling to place an order?”
SC: “Yes indeedideely!”
If I may just interrupt for a moment, good sir! I fear there is no time zone on this continent where that level of perkiness is socially acceptable at this hour. Please dial down your excitement level accordingly.
Me: “Alright, what size?”
SC: “Are those flared jeans?”
Me: “Let me check…...no, sorry, they are not”
SC: “Oh, do you have any flared.....women’s.....jeans?”
Um...I…..guess? Maybe? Why exactly are you excitedly shopping for flared women’s jeans in the dead of night anyhow? Your breathless exhilaration combined with a curiously specific garment request has peaked my curiosity. I know the quest for pants is rather common and practically Christmas 2.0 in some parts up there. But you seek an oddly specific type of pants for which I hope you are not the intended wearer. I’m sure you’re a lovely gentlemen, but the mental image I’m getting from your voice does not look good in flared women’s jeans.
Flannel, snow pants, a shotgun and a crazed glint in the eye that is the last thing several hitchhikers ever saw, sure. But flared jeans? No, no I don’t think so. I don’t think you have the hips to pull it off in all honesty.
New Colours
Me: “And what colour would you like?”
SC: “Uh……gargual?”
Me: “……Charcoal?”
SC: “Yeah.”
In the future, feel free to just say “Black” and I’ll figure it out from there. I know reading comprehension isn’t too high on anyone’s bucket list on this line at night.
Loneliness
It’s 2am and you’re up early, all bright eyed and bushy tailed. Bursting with energy ready to challenge a new day full of possibilities. Or maybe still awake, blurry eyed and stained with a thin layer of Dorito’s zesty cheese dust from an all night Red Dwarf marathon. But either way, it’s a new day. A fresh start! So what was the first thing that came to your mind to do today?
Call to complain, at 2am, that you never got a call back the last time you called. Not request another call, or a follow up or even to leave a message. Nope. Just call to let me know you never got a call back and you’re quite displeased about it. You don’t want me to do anything to help you or leave any sort of message for you. You just wanted me, personally, to know. Because you care I guess and perhaps felt that I would appreciate your honesty and maybe, just maybe offer you a hug.
Do you need a hug, sir?
The Foresaken Corner
They Foresaken Corner was deserted this evening. Though I did spot the creature which may have scared them all off. A rather alarming, hairy beast that was wandering around the area holding a water bottle like a microphone and bellowing “I WANNA RIDE YOUR BEAR” over and over to no one in particularly. This was mobile performance which, much to my alarm, seemed to be following me for a block or so before it finally changed direction.
Nice Try
To the strange little dude a block up from the office that was nonchalantly leaning against the wall with the beer: No, I don’t want to buy you another beer. I’m not going to change my mind either if, after I walk past you, you scurry ahead of me 20 feet then lean against the side of the building nonchalantly again like you were there the entire time. Then ask me again when I walk by you for the second time.
Yes
SC: "If I buy tickets, is that considered gambling?
I'll assume this is a very polite way of asking "Will this violate my parole conditions?".
Encouragement
Me: “And your address please, ma’am?”
C: “Oh, I’m outside havin’ a smoke. You hang tough boy, while I go get it!”
Yes, ma’am! I will do my best to ride out your departure and hopefully if I just grit my teeth and focus, I’ll emerged unscathed from the other side of your brief absence. It will be tough, I know. But your words of encouragement have inspired me to take this challenge head on!
Yes, Yes You Do
Me: “Good evenin, <company>-“
SC: “Yo! WASSUP BOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIII~”
Me: “……can I help you, sir?”
SC: “……..I think.....um.....I have the wrong number.”
I wholeheartedly concur.
A Simple Request
Attention denizens of Broadway: Please do not spank each other in public. Once might be kind of funny or kind of weird depending on the viewer, but multiple times just makes the rest of us on the Skytrain increasingly uncomfortable with each, er…spank.
I Mean They're All The Same, Right?
( Trying to help find a translator for a stranded passenger, long story, don't ask ;p )
Me: “And what language did they need?”
SC: “Oh it was…..Cantonese? Vietnamese? Japanese? Just get me something Asian.”
....Right.....I don’t suppose you could try and narrow it down a little more, could you? That wasn’t really meant to be a multiple choice question and I don’t think the translation service will appreciate it if I call up and say “Oh, I don’t know. Surprise me!”.
Its A Conspiracy
Whilst we do appreciate customer feedback, sir, I can with great confidence state that we are not in fact running a shady business out of someone's basement designed to scam old people out of their money. Nor have we hijacked your TV and inserted our phone number on screen in place of the number you actually wanted to dial. We are quite legitimate I assure you.
Yes, my coworker whom you hung up on does have an accent. She's from Austria. No, she's not a communist. ....Yes, I have one too ( I guess? ) and I did in fact say "Zed" instead of "Zee". Because I'm Canadian. No, I can't "Go back to my own country", I'm already in my own country. Yes, you did win a war against the British over taxes. No, I'm not British and I'm not trying to get payback on you by stealing your money.
Sir, exactly how old are you anyway?
The Foresaken Corner II
A Challenger Appears! Occupying the corner this evening was the debut show of a scruffy, red bearded hobo that was laying down…phat…beats…or whatever it is they do, I’m not sure. He had teamed up with Generic Dude On The Bongos #4 ( You know, the guy with the drums that only really plays two notes thats on every street corner in every major city in North America ) to provide background music. Oddly….he was actually pretty good I must admit. He was actually able to rap, in time with the music ( All two notes of it ) and using words that actually rhymed. I must admit to being a bit shocked. I’m not use to encountering anything resembling talent on my way here.
Thus, I shall call them Red Beard & Coco.
Pop Up Biography
SC: “My biological sister, whom I’ve never met, works as a charge nurse at the hospital in the ER. I’m adopted you see, but she wasn’t. But I've never met here either. I just know where she works.”
….Alright….well then. Um…..how do I put this? As interesting as that personal factoid was, the question I asked was “And your address please?” not “Does your life in any way resemble an episode of the Jerry Springer show?”. I guess the two are very similar and its rather easy to get them mixed up.
Pop Up Biography II
SC: “Are you guys in Vancouver?”
Me: “Yes.”
SC: “Did you get snow tonight?”
Me: “No-“
SC: “Yes you did!”
Me: “……”
SC: “My daughter lives in Richmond and she got snow tonight!”
Is she your biological daughter or is she adopted? Also, why are you calling again and just randomly telling me about your life? My primary function here is to sell our fine wares and I’m not entirely sure where you got the impression this was a chat line. I’ve heard the ad on the radio and I'm pretty sure the product tagline wasn't "Are You Still Awake? Are You......Lonely?" accompanied by slow jazz music.
We're Here To Help
SC: “Let me see if I have my account number…..”
Me: “Alright.”
SC: “…….hmmmm…….um…..hm…….<sigh>……hmmmm……..hm…….ummmm… …<sigh> hm……..ummm…..hmmmmm…..hm……<sigh>….hmmmmm…..ummm…”
I’m not sure if you’re seeking your account number or beat boxing really slowly. Do you need me to do anything? Should I hook you up with some background vocals? Maybe drop a bass line? I mean, I am here to provide stellar customer service after all and if a man needs him some phat beats or a sexy hook for a track, <company> is there….uh…yo.
If Only There Was Some Way To Fix That
SC: “You’ll have to really speak up. I can’t hear well and I don’t have my hearing aid in.”
Yet you have chosen to use a device based entirely on sound. I can’t help but feel that you missed a step before you called.
The Foresaken Corner III
Red Beard & Coco have added some random dude with an electric guitar to their show and changed their genre of music to soft rock. Thus officially qualifying as a band. As a newly formed act, they should probably come up with some sort of snazzy band name. Considering where they choose to perform and their disinterested in personal grooming, I would like to officially submit “Hobo Mojo”.
Perhaps I Can Help
SC: "Yes, I wanted to change my previous order. I'd like to order more tickets."
Me: “Do your order number?”
SC: “Oh, yes, hang on………….hm……….um……..why can’t I find it?!”
I fear I do not know the answer to that question. But! Since you insist on asking me for some reason, perhaps I can offer a list of helpful possible scenarios:
- You lost it.
- You’re not wearing your glasses.
- You forgot to turn on the lights before trying to read anything.
- You have a crippling gambling problem and your wife hid it from you.
- Identity thieves broke into your home and only stole your order number as step one in an elaborate plan to completely assume your identity over the course of the next 2 weeks so by the time they finally assume your persona and lock you in the basement their tickets should just be arriving.
- A family pet has ingested it ( Feel free to call back in 2-3 days when you get it back ).
- There is a poltergeist haunting your home and he is worried about your crippling gambling problem too and has hidden it on you.
- Velociraptors.
- You are not actually in your own home, while you were sleeping scientists drugged you and moved you to an exact replica of your home and everyone around you know and love is being portrayed by trained actors as part of a grand psychological experiment but they forgot to duplicate your order number.
Feel free to use any of these as a valid explanation.
New Colours II
Me: “And what colour would you like?”
SC: “Christ Indalow”
…..I’m going to assume you mean “Greased Indigo”, however I will admit your version does sound like it would be a much more impressive colour.
.......
SC: “Yeah, I was just looking at your website. Do you sell photographs?”
Website full of clothing. Website named after clothing. Website covered in sizing guides and brand information of clothing. Website only has categories for clothing. Answering phrase when I picked up the phone includes clothing. First thing I asked was if you wanted to order clothing.
You know what? Sure, fuck it. If all of that didn't shake you off this misguided trail nothing else I say is going to dissuade you. So yes. We sell photographs. Tons of them. Feel free to check out our website and let me know when you find something you like.
Sorry
Me: “Are you 19 or older?”
SC: “Oh God! ………….am I ever.”
My apologies, sir. I keep forgetting that this question seems to be tantamount to asking “Are you hurdling helplessly towards the grave?” to some people. Once again, on behalf of our company, I would like to apologize for reminding you of your own impending morality and urge you to try and cling to life long enough to receive your order.
Nope!
SC: “I’d like to put it on VISA”
Me: “Alright-“
SC: “Do you need the number?”
Nope! I’m good. I mean, any VISA will do right? You just want to put it on VISA. By all means, allow me. I’ll just enter my own card number. I mean, really, why would I need your card number in order to place an order for you? That’s just silly talk! Why, any number should do! It’s not like these things are checked against the name or billing address or anything.
In fact, I’m just going to mash the numpad until I fill the order form with enough numbers. That should do it!
Its A Mystery
Me: “And what was the problem?”
SC: “….Gee……..what was the problem?”
Me: “…………..”
SC: “……..I don’t know.”
That…sort of begs the question “Why did you call then?”. As the whole theory behind this line being open in the dead of night is in case anyone has a problem. If you do not have a problem, I don’t really have any avenue by which I may assist you. Beyond offering the companionship of another conscious human being to sooth your lonely, insomniac heart.
The Foresaken Corner IV
Hobo Mojo is out again this evening. Performing a daring mash up of Queen’s “Another One Bites The Dust” vs “I Was Born To Love You” vs bongo drums. Which Red Beard was singing to a poster of an underwear model in the store window behind him. Apparently these guys actually are one of our local bands that play around here ( Thus explaining why they have actual talent ) which makes me kind of sad. As it means they didn't just spontaneously form a musical hobo alliance as I had hoped. Well, maybe they did to begin with. I can dream, can't I?
Although, I will give props to the dude across the street from them who was defiantly playing a ukulele in the face of their rock. You go, ukulele guy, stick it to them.
Hyenas
Me: “What is your name please ma’am?”
Hyena #1: "A......M....<giggle snort> I.....<giggle>"
Hyena #2: "<snerk-giggle>”
Ah, wonderful. Hyenas.
Me: “And your last name please, ma’am?”
Hyena #1: “Last name?”
Hyena #2: “Hahhahaha!”
Hyena #1: “Broooooooowwwwwwn! <giggle>…..hahahahah!”
Hyena #2: “Hahaha!”
Aren’t there suppose to be three of you?
Me: “How do you spell that please ma’am?”
Hyena #1: “B...o....r....?”
Hyena #2: “<snort>”
Hyena #3: "Hahah!"
Ah, there we go.
Hyena #1: “B-R-O! …Sorry about that, I’m just drunk!”
Really now! My word, I never would have guessed. You’re such a model of composure and coherency.
Me: “And your phone number please ma’am?”
Hyena #1: “555-“
Hyena #2: “<snerk>”
Hyena #1: “454-4545?”
Hyena #2: “<sner-hahaha!”
Hyena #1: “No, 5544!”
Hyena #2: “No! 4545!”
Hyena #3: "5544!"
Me: “….Sorry, what was the number again?”
Hyena #1: “555-……wait...my number or your number?”
What have I done, universe? Clearly I must have done something horribly wrong and thus must suffer the karmic punishment of this call. Was it something recent? Or have I committed some terrible crime in a past life? What was it? What have I done? It must have been truly unforgivable.
…..Did I invent TV commercials?
Me: “And your address please, ma’am?”
Hyena #1: “…….what’s our address?”
Hyena #2: “<mumble mumble>”
Hyena #3: "Uh....N something?"
Hyena #1: “………..Hey, how do you spell it?”
Hyena #2: “…..N….....I....?”
I must admit I genuinely worry about our species when there are apparently members of it for whom “Get liquored up and order pants” is an awesome Saturday night.
Me: “And the item number please?”
Hyena #1: “….what’s the item number?”
Hyena #2: “6xxx!”
Hyena #1: “6xxx?”
Hyena #3: "5xxx!"
Now, I realize you’re trying to work with a blood alcohol level so high you could probably dissolve paint with a nose bleed. But this would go a lot faster if one of you held both the phone and the catalog at the same time.
Me: “Anything else?”
Hyena #1: “No, ma’am.”
You know I may be groggy when I first wake up, but I'm pretty sure I would have noticed *that* before I left the house.......and worn something that flatters my hips a better.
annnnnd rest.
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