Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[Shangri-laschild]

I am not allowed to have a taser

I am not allowed to go on break if my ex boss shows up just because his lack of being able to fire me now will result in a lack of me having a filter on my rampage setting. Mostly because supervisor wants to get video of the resulting carnage.

Not allowed to take away the staff's key privileges and refuse to give them new ones just cause they are being exasperating.

Not allowed to have a rubber band gun even if I volunteer to cover for the officers.

Not allowed to forget to carry my big knife just in case.

[Ghel]

I'm not allowed to criticize the main branch's processes.
I'm not allowed to ask for a organizational chart so I can complain to a coworker's supervisor when they don't get back to me on something I requested.
I'm not allowed to follow up (or know who to follow up with) when faxes get left on someone's desk while they're gone for a week.

[Jay 2K Winger]

I am not allowed to write "There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots" as my status message in our instant message client.

[MelindaJoy77]

Apparently, I am not allowed to talk to or smile at my male co-workers, because the customers will think we're flirting and tell us to get a room. (Actually happened last week! And the customer YELLED it)

[crazylegs]

I must not give a bollocking to the head of the local Hells Angels chapter...

[DGoddessChardonnay]

I can't carry a crucifix to work (like Kolchak: the Night Stalker) to ward off the Ass Manager when he's coming to work sick (like today.)

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

After cutting 10-second, 4-note fart in the mens room, do not emerge with a huge grin on your face and tell some little boy "Now that's how you do it!"

[rapana1]

Not allowed to attempt to strangle customers with a tape measure because they do not OWN a tape measure, so they can't possibly measure their window.

Especially not customers who come in three times over the course of a month, really wanting curtains, but being surprised every time that I still need measurements.

Not allowed to send those customers home with a tape measure in an, ahem, safe place.

[fireheart]

When carving a pumpkin up, I am not allowed to greet parents while wielding said pumpkin.
I am also not allowed to tell the parents that I am currently carving up anything OTHER than a pumpkin.
No cracking jokes about using said pumpkin as a kettlebell. (3kg)

When it comes time to publish the recipe for said soup in the newsletter, I am not allowed to suggest that parents use an entire 3kg pumpkin for making said soup (we used around 3kg to make enough soup to feed 30 kids (1.5kg of one pumpkin and 2 halves of a butternut). There was so much that both my boss and I took the soup home)

[Solacelawlz]

-jump out a window... no windows!! guess i could use the acme paint brush to create a window on the wall but my skills are sadly not on par yet haha
-streak around the building, possibly up/down aisles idk what it is about this building but it calls to me!
-high fives
-use my google glass!!
-set up a slip and slide down the hall <<< this one pains me dearly!!

[fireheart]

Not allowed to come to work dressed as Sumomo.
-Or Chii.
-Not allowed to tell the kids the story of Struwelpeter.

[bbbr]

Not allowed to compare the typical pallor (grey to pale yellow) of a coworkers skin tone to that of the hand I bashed (not once but twice... D'oh) with a hammer over the prior weekend when asked "how's the hand look".

[fireheart]

-When the offer for "onesie day" is made at work, I'm not allowed to come to work in leiderhosen.

[catcul]

I am not allowed to call the phlebotomy staff a "bunch of blood sucking parasites."

[dawnfire]

I am not allowed to call the phlebotomy staff a "bunch of blood sucking parasites."

how about vampires