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Tech Support rules that should be punishable by death and/or torture

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  • #31
    Quoth Dave1982
    44A. "A little over a year old" ≠ New
    Corollary: Don't lie about how long you've had our product. I've heard the "about a year" line enough and that usually means that you've had it more than a year. Besides, you need to include proof you've had it less than a year or else it's no replacement for you.
    "Well, ergo cogitum daltitum e pluribus shut your piehole." -Mike Rowe

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    • #32
      47: Food is a good way to bribe us, but don't make it obvious.
      47a: Draggar, we ordered subs / pizza for our meeting but ordered too much, whould you like some?
      47b: This is why I love retail manager meetings, they ALWAYS get Boston Market and always order way too much.
      Quote Dalesys:
      ... as in "Ifn thet dawg comes at me, Ima gonna shutz ma panz!"

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      • #33
        A few faculty and staff members will feed us. They always get REALLY GOOD SERVICE.

        Of course, one of those faculty members is the MIS professor, so he has to feed us to make up the for the problems he causes.
        SC: “Yeah, Bob’s Company. I'm Bob. It's my company.” - GK
        SuperHotelWorker made my Avi!!

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        • #34
          48: I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR LIFE STORY. I do not care that all of your promblems started when your daddy got you Malibu Barbie instead of Ballerina Barbie when you were a small child (reference anyone?). I do not care about anything irrelevant to the issue.

          48a: Please let me know when you are GOING TO GET TO THE POINT. I do not need a full history of the PC and other issues. Get to the f***ing point since I do not have time to listen to all of your problems. We have people for that, HR, psychiatrists, and Oprah.
          Quote Dalesys:
          ... as in "Ifn thet dawg comes at me, Ima gonna shutz ma panz!"

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          • #35
            Quoth draggar View Post
            48: I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR LIFE STORY. I do not care that all of your promblems started when your daddy got you Malibu Barbie instead of Ballerina Barbie when you were a small child (reference anyone?).
            Adams Family Values, natch.

            49) Don't Panic when we ask you to do something simple, like go to the file menu and select Print. I hate having to talk to someone like we're defusing a bomb over the phone, when all we're really doing is choosing another printer for you to use.
            The Rich keep getting richer because they keep doing what it was that made them rich. Ditto the Poor.
            "Hy kan tell dey is schmot qvestions, dey is makink my head hurt."
            Hoc spatio locantur.

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            • #36
              Possible corollary to rule #1: after admitting your lack of computer literacy, and after we've fixed your problem, DON'T ask "what was the problem?" Believe me, you wouldn't understand the difference between corrupted driver settings and a failure in the ODN conduit data feed causing the Feinberg Oscillating Framistat to develop a ruggism in the M5 diagnostic unit! (Or between printer drivers and taxi drivers, even!)
              I will not be pushed, stamped, filed, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered. My life is my own. --#6

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              • #37
                Quoth Captain Trips View Post
                Possible corollary to rule #1: after admitting your lack of computer literacy, and after we've fixed your problem, DON'T ask "what was the problem?" Believe me, you wouldn't understand the difference between corrupted driver settings and a failure in the ODN conduit data feed causing the Feinberg Oscillating Framistat to develop a ruggism in the M5 diagnostic unit! (Or between printer drivers and taxi drivers, even!)
                Probably not... but most people can understand the difference between "corrupted driver" and "motherboard glitching". Personally, I'ld be a little miffed if someone I was taking a computer to for repair didn't even give me that much because "it would be beyond me".

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                • #38
                  50) If I tell you "don't touch that", I'm not saying it because I like how it sounds (mostly). I'm saying it because if you don't, I'll be seeing your whiny ass in again with the same problem crying I didn't fix it. My next step is to break fingers with the giant wooden mallet I have. (props to who knows the source on that one, not a tech webcomic)
                  I AM the evil bastard!
                  A+ Certified IT Technician

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                  • #39
                    Quoth Captain Trips View Post
                    Possible corollary to rule #1: after admitting your lack of computer literacy, and after we've fixed your problem, DON'T ask "what was the problem?" Believe me, you wouldn't understand the difference between corrupted driver settings and a failure in the ODN conduit data feed causing the Feinberg Oscillating Framistat to develop a ruggism in the M5 diagnostic unit! (Or between printer drivers and taxi drivers, even!)
                    Considering your description of the problem, check out the Retroincabulator. If the link doesn't work, go here and scoll half way down to Retroincabulator.

                    EDIT: Here's a link to the script.
                    Last edited by Ironclad Alibi; 03-16-2008, 09:40 PM.
                    "I don't have to be petty. The Universe does that for me."

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                    • #40
                      51) If you have to tilt your laptop at an awkward angle to re-create an issue, it's not really an issue. What else do you expect me to say other than, "Don't hold it like that"?
                      SC: “Yeah, Bob’s Company. I'm Bob. It's my company.” - GK
                      SuperHotelWorker made my Avi!!

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                      • #41
                        52) If fixing something requires multiple site visits, for the love of Hastur do NOT start fiddling with things yourself when I'm not there. Yes, you may have seen what I did but that doesn't mean that's all that needs to be done.

                        52a) If said fiddling requires me to backtrack (if possible) and have you restate what the problem is, don't say "But you said you knew what was wrong!" Thanks to your fiddling and inability to document anything, I now have no idea what the actual problem is and need to start from scratch.
                        "I am quite confident that I do exist."
                        "Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up." The Doctor

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