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Tech Support rules that should be punishable by death and/or torture

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  • #1

    Tech Support rules that should be punishable by death and/or torture

    I used to be a "people person." I've worked in retail, bars, and amusement parks. Nothing had ever pissed me off as much as the customers that I get providing technical support. The following are things that should be passed by congress and made capital offenses. Feel free to add more.

    1) If you tell me that you know nothing about computers, you DO NOT have the right to contest anything I ask you to do. What I ask you to do is to help you fix your problem. However, if I tell you to stick your tongue in your power supply, you better be down on all 4s ready for the kiss of your life. If I ask you to type "ping yahoo.com" don't say "But I don't use Yahoo."

    2) If you've been drinking or doing drugs, please, please PLEASE call back when you're sober. If I ask you to click on something, I don't want to hear 30 seconds of silence and then "Uhh.... what?" I don't have the patience or the allowable call times to deal with you.

    3) Don't call up demanding that I fix your problem and the refuse to let me help you. If you want help, shut up and let me help. If you don't, hang up and don't call back.

    4) Don't take it upon yourself to start clicking on and removing, deleting, uninstalling, disabling, etc etc etc. If I ask you to click on Control Panel, that does not mean defrag you hard drive or start a virus scan or reboot your system.

    5) I don't care if you're an engineer of some sort. If you called me, that means you couldn't fix it. Most likely because you're an idiot. If i ask you to do something, it's because it provides information I need. Apply rules 1 and 3 here.

    OK. I think I'm vented for now.

    CH
    Some People Are Alive Only Because It Is Illegal To Kill Them
    Tags: None
  • #2
    Rules

    Rules 1 & 3 should be combined into just one super rule.

    Rule 5 requires the addition that we have the legal right to hit on the head (lightly! with a big stick!) every time the customer says something like that.

    Comment

    • #3
      Sure! I'll add some.

      6) You want to cancel your service? Good. That's one less chucklehead we have to deal with in the future. We're tech support, not "give a rat's ass" support.

      7) Don't. Lie. Ever. If I ask you if you have a router, it's probably because I KNOW you have a router, but you told the previous agent you didn't. If you lie, you lose your credibility and my willingness to give a rat's ass about your problem. Don't like it? See #6.

      8) You want a supervisor? And they'll do what that I haven't? Oh, they'll give a rat's ass, right? #6 yet again.

      9) This is tech support and only tech support. We may be willing to chat it up with you while we're waiting for "running tasks" to finish (relevant if you've ever done time management, project management, gantt charts, etc.), but not if it impedes the call. Shut up. ya rly.

      10) If it's not our product, don't EXPECT us to help. We MIGHT help anyway, if we're feeling amicable. Don't count on it. You don't call a plumber to fix your telephone, don't call your ISP to fix your X Box. Oh, what's that? What? What was that? Yeah, #6 again, buddy.

      You can find me on Backloggery, Facebook, Twitch, Twitter, YouTube

      Comment

      • #4
        Amen to all of the above. Amen.

        Comment

        • #5
          Bravo, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

          I wanted to say that. :: sniffle ::
          SC: “Yeah, Bob’s Company. I'm Bob. It's my company.” - GK
          SuperHotelWorker made my Avi!!

          Comment

          • #6
            Rule 11:

            Rule 11: When a problem is too hard for us to help you fix over the phone, and we ask you to bring in particular parts - BRING IN THOSE PARTS! Don't bring in just what YOU think is wrong.

            It is bad enough when customer calls a monitor a TV, or the computer a hard drive. But I had one customer an hour's drive away bring in the computer instead of the printer like I asked, why?

            Because the printer was so heavy!

            At-least the school board techs would load up both the computer and printer into the car and would get the printer in once we proved the computer runs our printer alright.

            But too many other insisted they know where the problem REALLY is and then bring in the wrong piece of hardware.

            Comment

            • #7
              12) Don't store gigabyts of MP3s on your PC then complain that it takes me 45 minutes ot back up all of your data.

              13) Also don't complain when it takes 45 minutes to restore your data.

              14) For me, reimageing your PC (reloading Windows and all the company software) is a last resort, I only do this when I have no other option. Please also see rules #12 and #13.

              15) No, I won't fix your personal computer for free.

              16) If I say I cannot help you with that, it means I cannot help you with that.

              17) I don't like the corporate mandated security encryption on all f our data, it makes my job a HELL of a lot harder. Don't complain to me about it.

              18) I TOLD YOU TO GET A USB DRIVE. Don't cry to me now that your PC is shot and I cannot get the data off of it.
              Quote Dalesys:
              ... as in "Ifn thet dawg comes at me, Ima gonna shutz ma panz!"

              Comment

              • #8
                Otherwise

                Quoth draggar View Post
                18) I TOLD YOU TO GET A USB DRIVE. Don't cry to me now that your PC is shot and I cannot get the data off of it.
                Backup, Backup, Backup, and all your lame excuses about why you have not done it for the last two months and that you really, really were going to do it tomorrow will not make me care one bit.

                PS. Your data is gone, and no my department does not receive the bill from the data recovery company. Your department will! No signature, no data recovery.

                Comment

                • #9
                  Quoth earl colby pottinger View Post
                  PS. Your data is gone, and no my department does not receive the bill from the data recovery company. Your department will! No signature, no data recovery.
                  We have a tool for data recovery. Too bad it takes two hours and I don't have to sit there but the client is without a PC.
                  Quote Dalesys:
                  ... as in "Ifn thet dawg comes at me, Ima gonna shutz ma panz!"

                  Comment

                  • #10
                    I think there should be an addendum to #1.

                    1) If you tell me that you know nothing about computers, you DO NOT have the right to contest anything I ask you to do. What I ask you to do is to help you fix your problem. However, if I tell you to stick your tongue in your power supply, you better be down on all 4s ready for the kiss of your life. If I ask you to type "ping yahoo.com" don't say "But I don't use Yahoo."
                    1a) Not only should you not contest it, but you don't have to understand why we're telling you something AND we're not obligated to explain it, thus killing our AHT. Example:

                    Me: "Well, to be honest, I think there may be something going on with the ethernet card."
                    Tech: "...No, I don't think that's what it is."

                    WTF! REALLY?! DON'T EVER CALL ME AGAIN. After 15 minutes of explaining and further beating a dead horse, he was all "Well, whatever, I'm going to keep checking things on my end" and hung up. REALLY NOW. YOU called ME for support. I am NOT a yes man. He was trying to get the modem swapped and wasn't willing to go through simple procedures. I stated that there may be something wrong with the NIC because, well, IT WASN'T EVEN SHOWING UP PROPERLY IN THE DEVICE MANAGER.

                    Now, gee, I suppose it could be the modem, oh wait, NO IT COULDN'T YOU ASSHAT! STFU & GFAR (go **** a rake).
                    You can find me on Backloggery, Facebook, Twitch, Twitter, YouTube

                    Comment

                    • #11
                      19) Don't tell me you do not have the time for me to look at your computer. My schedule is full. Don't later come to my door and expect me to jump on command when you say you're going to lunch, I won't have the time to look at your computer. I'm too busy looking at all the other people who made the time for me to look at their computer.

                      19a) Don't complain to your supervisor who will complain to my supervisor without all the facts. Please include the fact that I was there at the agreed upon time and YOU are the one who decided to delay it then expected me to drop everything I was doing when it was convenient for you.

                      20) Don't exaggerate outage times. Don't tell your supervisor you were out for several hours when in reality it was more like 30 minutes (and we do time it). Also don't tell us that you will be on lunch and then in meetings and not need the computer for two hours then tell your supervisor that you couldn't get anything done because your computer was down for two hours. I will call you out on it and I usually have it in writing from you.

                      21) If I tell you I need to log onto your computer it is because I need to do things (usually too complicated to explain to you) that require an administrator's login, not a normal user. I am not doing it to be spiteful although it is a nice side effect.

                      22) If I tell you I am going to reboot your computer, I am not joking. SAVE YOUR STUFF.

                      23) I don't have to back up your thousands of MP3s. I do so because I am nice. Don't complain that it takes an extra 30 minutes.

                      24) No, I won't install the latest game on your WORK computer.

                      25) Nor will I install iTunes

                      26) Or a movie player

                      27) Or a "program you got off the internet". Apparently you do not have enough work to do, let me go talk to your supervisor.

                      28) If I say don't do that, DON'T DO THAT.
                      Quote Dalesys:
                      ... as in "Ifn thet dawg comes at me, Ima gonna shutz ma panz!"

                      Comment

                      • #12
                        20) Don't exaggerate outage times.
                        No shiat there. I had a fun one today while looking through open tickets. Let's take a look at all the evidence and you'll see why I came to my conclusion.

                        Evidence

                        Notes in ticket - Customer claims his digital phone has been out of service for, I kid you not, TWO MONTHS. Suspicion +1.

                        Customer comments - No documentation since 2007. Suspicion +2.

                        Account history - NOBODY, not tier 1, tier 3, or anyone else for that matter, EVER accessed this account since...2007. Not even to pull up the account while customer SHOULD HAVE BEEN complaining about his service not working. Suspicion +5.

                        Ticket creation date - YESTERDAY. Suspicion +10.

                        Work order screen - No work orders scheduled, despite tier 3 actually having been in account yesterday, presumably speaking with this customer and should have set up one given a problem as grandiose as this. Suspicion +OFF DA CHAIN.

                        Conclusion

                        Closing ticket. Reason - Due to account activity, issue appears to be resolved. Why? Let's assume that waft of funk is NOT scammer scent. Let's assume this guy really was out for TWO WHOLE MONTHS. At NO POINT did this customer attempt to contact us. If he did, EVERY LAST PERSON HE TALKED TO never entered his account, which I find HIGHLY UNLIKELY. Yeah, we've got some screwups, but not THAT MANY. Besides, wouldn't a ticket for this guy have been created by now? Wouldn't a work order already have been scheduled?

                        Oh, I know...perhaps he lives in a castle and his drawbridge is also out of service, thus when his digital phone went out of service, well, he was quite stranded! Hmm...I'm going with NO, but A for effort (wtf is "affort").
                        You can find me on Backloggery, Facebook, Twitch, Twitter, YouTube

                        Comment

                        • #13
                          Quoth draggar View Post
                          24) No, I won't install the latest game on your WORK computer.

                          25) Nor will I install iTunes

                          26) Or a movie player

                          27) Or a "program you got off the internet". Apparently you do not have enough work to do, let me go talk to your supervisor.
                          27.5) Or Limewire.

                          UGH.
                          SC: “Yeah, Bob’s Company. I'm Bob. It's my company.” - GK
                          SuperHotelWorker made my Avi!!

                          Comment

                          • #14
                            Quoth draggar View Post
                            20) Don't exaggerate outage times. Don't tell your supervisor you were out for several hours when in reality it was more like 30 minutes (and we do time it). Also don't tell us that you will be on lunch and then in meetings and not need the computer for two hours then tell your supervisor that you couldn't get anything done because your computer was down for two hours. I will call you out on it and I usually have it in writing from you.
                            Uhg. I get this all the time. People seem to think they can use IT as a scapegoat to not get their work done on time. Like it doesn't get back to us, or something. I'm not sure which is worse, the people who do this to cover for their laziness, or the supervisors who believe them every time (until we can show them proof).
                            The Rich keep getting richer because they keep doing what it was that made them rich. Ditto the Poor.
                            "Hy kan tell dey is schmot qvestions, dey is makink my head hurt."
                            Hoc spatio locantur.

                            Comment

                            • #15
                              Quoth draggar View Post
                              20) Don't exaggerate outage times. Don't tell your supervisor you were out for several hours when in reality it was more like 30 minutes (and we do time it). Also don't tell us that you will be on lunch and then in meetings and not need the computer for two hours then tell your supervisor that you couldn't get anything done because your computer was down for two hours. I will call you out on it and I usually have it in writing from you.
                              20 a) Conversely, don't wait a few days, a week, SEVERAL MONTHS to notify tech support of your MAJOR problem! The amount of time you had a problem without telling us about it is not going to get your problem solved any faster!

                              Case in point. Head of Undergrad Admissions called yesterday, saying that for MONTHS he could not open .docx documents. He was calling from HOME, and demanded that something be done RIGHT NOW! Of course, when do I find out that he's at home? WHEN I WALK ACROSS CAMPUS, IN THE FREEZING COLD, to install the compatibility patch!

                              Grr.
                              SC: “Yeah, Bob’s Company. I'm Bob. It's my company.” - GK
                              SuperHotelWorker made my Avi!!

                              Comment

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