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Tech Support rules that should be punishable by death and/or torture

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  • #16
    29) Don't log a ticket just before you leave for vacation and expect me to fix it because you're going on vacation.

    29a) Telling me you've had the issue for over 3 months won't help your cause. You should have come in 3 months ago.
    Quote Dalesys:
    ... as in "Ifn thet dawg comes at me, Ima gonna shutz ma panz!"

    Comment


    • #17
      Quoth draggar View Post
      29) Don't log a ticket just before you leave for vacation and expect me to fix it because you're going on vacation.

      29a) Telling me you've had the issue for over 3 months won't help your cause. You should have come in 3 months ago.
      29.5) If you want me to fix something while you're on vacation, make sure I have all necessary logons and physical access to fix what I need to fix.
      SC: “Yeah, Bob’s Company. I'm Bob. It's my company.” - GK
      SuperHotelWorker made my Avi!!

      Comment


      • #18
        Rule #31 - Stop asking me if every gol' dang click is a right click. If I want a right click I ask for one. A click is a click. left button. 1 click = 1/2 double click. </>

        Rule #32 - Dont call up saying it gives you an error - and then don't have the 'exact' error message in front of you . Several error messages sound the same, but mean different things.
        05/03/08 1:11 PM

        32 a) also don't go blah blah over any part of an email error message, the blah blah means something to me.

        32 b) Don't try to provide a summary of the error. Please just read the error WORD for F**KING WORD.

        32 c) Outlook Express errors are not complex mathematical equations. I know what they mean, it is obvious you don't.

        33 Before you ask for support, it might be a good idea to know what your system is. don't tell me to troubleshoot something you don't have. EXAMPLE: Customer wanted me to troubleshoot Safari for his Internet Exploder problem. And they were using Windows ME. hmmmmmmm....? </beatdeadhorse>
        Last edited by Qaeria; 05-10-2008, 07:18 AM. Reason: merged
        Windows Operating System is an oxymoron."

        Oh, You want instant Gratification? Go f*ck yourself then!
        I found the problem. /dev/clue was linked to /dev/null

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        • #19
          Quoth Qaeria View Post
          EXAMPLE: Customer wanted me to troubleshoot Safari for his Internet Exploder problem. And they were using Windows ME. hmmmmmmm....? </beatdeadhorse>
          Safari is now available for Windows users. http://www.apple.com/safari/
          SC: “Yeah, Bob’s Company. I'm Bob. It's my company.” - GK
          SuperHotelWorker made my Avi!!

          Comment


          • #20
            Quoth Qaeria View Post
            Rule #31 - Stop asking me if every gol' dang click is a right click. If I want a right click I ask for one. A click is a click. left button. 1 click = 1/2 double click. </beatdeadhorse>
            31a) Right click means click with the right button on the mouse. Don't double click with the left button and say nothing happened. I hear you clicking.

            34) For the love of ALL SANITY, please, please, please CALL WHEN YOU ARE AT THE COMPUTER OR PIECE OF EQUIPMENT YOU ARE HAVING ISSUES WITH. Don't call us when you are shopping or driving. Calling us at work and trying to take down notes to try at home is not good either.

            35) I don't care about the history of your computer. I don't care that it was a floor model. I don't care that you've been having problems since day one. I don't care about your history, where you went to school, who your first lover was, where you went to school, what your major was, or the fact that your kitty cat is rubbing against your feet. GET TO THE F***ING POINT.
            Quote Dalesys:
            ... as in "Ifn thet dawg comes at me, Ima gonna shutz ma panz!"

            Comment


            • #21
              Quoth technical.angel View Post
              Safari is now available for Windows users. http://www.apple.com/safari/
              Um, Safari will not run on the Windows 95 family if memory serves. I should have clarified though. basically this customer was embarassed to be using windows, so they thought they would impress me by saying they have a mac.

              Bottom line though, the customer should know what they have, and say what they have. so in this case see Rule #7
              Windows Operating System is an oxymoron."

              Oh, You want instant Gratification? Go f*ck yourself then!
              I found the problem. /dev/clue was linked to /dev/null

              Comment


              • #22
                Quoth draggar View Post
                28) If I say don't do that, DON'T DO THAT.
                My company actually handed out a formal computer policy sheet a couple of months back. One of the notices is that it can be a fireable offense to load unauthorized programs or change certain settings.

                I'm actually partially exempt from some of the rules since I'm probably the 2nd or 3rd most tech savvy person there.

                ^-.-^
                Faith is about what you do. It's about aspiring to be better and nobler and kinder than you are. It's about making sacrifices for the good of others. - Dresden

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                • #23
                  I think we're up to rule...

                  36. The cable company is not The Internet. We provide you with a connection... that's it. I don't know (or care) why the American Professional Tiddlywinks League website is down for maintenance or when it will be back up. And no, I can't ask them to "hurry the process along." Nor do I know (or care) why AOL is rejecting your email login. And if an undersea cable in the Philippines gets cut and slows down the internet for an entire country, we're not going to send a tech out to fix it. We're not going to ban a user from your website, either.

                  36a. We also don't control what's on television or when it's shown... but that's another thread.
                  I was neat, clean, shaved and sober, and I didn't care who knew it. -- Raymond Chandler

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Quoth crashhelmet View Post
                    1) If you tell me that you know nothing about computers, you DO NOT have the right to contest anything I ask you to do. What I ask you to do is to help you fix your problem. However, if I tell you to stick your tongue in your power supply, you better be down on all 4s ready for the kiss of your life. If I ask you to type "ping yahoo.com" don't say "But I don't use Yahoo."
                    I can just imagine this now.

                    Tech: Get down on all fours and bark like a dog!
                    SC: Woof woof! Is this really gonna help reinstall those drivers for my soundcard?
                    Tech: No, but it pleases your Master.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Trouble-Shooting

                      Quoth the_std View Post
                      I can just imagine this now.

                      Tech: Get down on all fours and bark like a dog!
                      SC: Woof woof! Is this really gonna help reinstall those drivers for my soundcard?
                      Tech: No, but it pleases your Master.
                      On the other hand I have had to ask customers to do weird things fix their problems.

                      1) Have one go downstairs then up by the elevator while the other tries to print. Elevator turns out to cause a voltage drop on most wall sockets causing printing problems. Solution: use the red dedicated power plugs already installed in room.

                      2) Has customer stand in hallway listening for when someone uses elevator, meanwhile confirm screen's random wiggles only occur then. Solution move screen one foot further from wall and power cables inside it.

                      3) Have customer tiptoe to computer so they don't rub their feet on mat and thus prove it is static that is causing the computer to lock up. Solution replace mat.

                      4) Have customer drop the computer *ONE FOOT* only to confirm loose chip in socket. Solution had to wait a month till dropping the computer no longer fixed their problem. Reseated chips by hand.

                      Need I go on?

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                      • #26
                        I know... But... That's using your powers for good! Has Vader taught us nothing?

                        Tsk tsk tsk. And you call yourself tech support.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          37: If I say I can't do something it means I can't do something. This includes:
                          ---I cannot support your (insert peripheral)
                          ---I cannot support (insert game)
                          ---I cannot support (insert new operating system)

                          37a: Saying someone used to do it or "you do it all the time" will not change my position on the subject.

                          37b: Saying the other techs do it won't change my position either. If I can help you, fine, I'll help you without risking my job or a lawsuit. Maybe the other tech doesn't care about their job and won't mind if they get fired. I do.

                          37c: If you don't like it let me transfer you to a supervisor before you can say another word. You'll have to wait about 30 minutes on hold for him to help you with your concern with our policy. Then, to go back to getting help with your issue, you'll have to be placed back into the end of the queue.
                          Quote Dalesys:
                          ... as in "Ifn thet dawg comes at me, Ima gonna shutz ma panz!"

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Quoth the_std View Post
                            I know... But... That's using your powers for good! Has Vader taught us nothing?
                            Pfft! Vader's got nothing on Simon.
                            I AM the evil bastard!
                            A+ Certified IT Technician

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              38. If I tell you to remove and re-install do not pretend you did it and tell me that it didn't work just to get out of having to do it. It won't save you any work because I will take you at your word and the next thing I will tell you to do is EVEN MORE WORK than removing and re-installing. See how that backfired?

                              39. If you then pretend to do the next step and then claim to still be getting the error, I'm going to believe you again and be genuinely stumped. Then I'm going to have to ask the programmers for help when they aren't busy (and they are ALWAYS busy) and get back to you in a day or two. It looks like your cunning trick ended up costing you more time than it saved, didn't it?
                              The best karma is letting a jerk bash himself senseless on the wall of your polite indifference.

                              The stupid is strong with this one.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                40. RTFM!!!!!

                                41. Tech Support ≠ The place you bought it from. Call the manufacturer's tech support line. If something is defective, we will gladly exchange it for you within the 14 day return policy. After that, I can not and will not help you because I don't freaking know why your printer isn't printing. I will instead refer you to the manufacturer's tech support line.

                                41A. While I do have a list of support numbers for most of the brands we sell, has it occurred to you to see Rule 40?

                                42. Time costs money. We are in the business of making money. Therefore, we charge for in-store tech services. That means you have to PAY for a diagnostic.

                                43. Diagnostic ≠ Repair. You pay us $50 to diagnose your PC. If we determine that your computer is riddled with viruses and spyware from porn sites, it WILL be an additional $90 to remove said crapware. If we determine that your hard drive is fried, it WILL be an additional $40 to install a new drive, plus the cost of the drive. These additional costs are NOT part of the $50 diag charge.

                                43A. Additionally, we do not deduct the cost of the diag from the cost of any additional services. So if you then need a virus removal, you pay us another $90. Not "well I already paid you $50, so it's just another $40, right?"

                                43B. If you pay us for a diag, and we determine that your PC is unfixable or isn't economical to fix, you do not get refunded the cost of the diag. See Rule #42.

                                44A. "A little over a year old" ≠ New

                                44B. "A couple months old" ≠ New

                                44C. Therefore, we will not replace it or repair it for free. Hell, I haven't even carried that one in six months, so it definitely ain't new.

                                44D. We are not the manufacturer. Therefore, we do not warranty the product. Therefore, do not come in six months after date of purchase expecting a replacement because "it's under warranty."

                                44E: That does not mean we don't stand behind our products. We do. But that ain't our product; we just sell it.

                                45. Do not ask me how to lie to the manufacturer to get a warranty repair when your warranty is expired. That sort of behavior is called "fraud" and it is highly illegal.

                                46. Just because we performed work on your PC in the past does not mean we are forever responsible for problems you have down the road. So if you have an unrelated problem later, there WILL be another charge to fix it.
                                "We guard the souls in heaven; we don't horse-trade them!" Samandrial in Supernatural

                                RIP Plaidman.

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