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You Talk to Your Mother Like That?!?

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  • You Talk to Your Mother Like That?!?

    Why do I keep finding myself in line behind these people?

    At the local Habitat an older woman (OW) is helping her middle-aged bitch of a daughter (BD) buy some cabinet handles. The OW is frail-looking, with that skin like parchment paper, but she seemed pretty "with it" as she brought the box of handles to the counter. She puts the box down and tells the cashier she has 37 handles and 12 knobs (or something like that). This is when the BD starts in on her mother in the most condescending, disrespectful tone I've ever heard.

    "No, Mom, that's not right. You weren't paying attention again when I put them in the box. Here, let me count them for you again." They count the pieces and it came out to -- you guessed it -- exactly 37 handles and 12 knobs.

    The whole time they're counting the BD is keeping up a stream of chiding that one might use on a dog who just had an accident on the rug. It was less what she was saying than the tone she was using. I swear, I wouldn't speak to a toddler in this tone, and she was being loud enough for everyone around to hear her. The cashier is looking uncomfortable and everyone else is sort of looking anywhere but at the OW and BD. The cashier tells them the amount and the OW pulls a checkbook out of her purse.

    The cashier apologizes that they don't take checks and then starts telling them what they can take (cash, debit, and Visa/Mastercard credit cards). Unfortunately, the BD has already started in on her mother for trying to use a check. "You know they don't take checks here." The OW is trying to hear what's accepted but the BD won't shut up. She pulls a Discover card out of her wallet while asking if she can use a debit card. This sends the bitch of a daughter over the edge.

    "Mom, you can't use a discovery card! She said you could use a debit card. See, that's why I'm worried about you: People say one thing and you hear another. Put that discovery card back and get your debit card. You can't even do this right. Your debit card. You need to get your debit card out now, mom. C'mon, just give me your purse so I can get it for you."

    Oh my god the poor old woman was in tears from the embarrassing berating she was getting from her daughter. The cashier just shook her head as the two left, too stunned to do anything but watch them leave. We all talked about how bad we felt for the poor old woman and how embarrassing the daughter's attitude towards her mother was. Granted, we don't know what her actually daily level of functioning is, but from what I saw, she was far from senile.
    Sorry, my cow died so I don't need your bull

  • #2
    Even if the woman was senile, that is abusive. Like you said - you wouldn't talk to a toddler like that. Even if your mother has the same mental capacity as one, you don't treat her like that.

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    • #3
      Oh lord let me get as old as that old woman. I will be feisty as ever. I swear if my middle aged kid talks like that to me, in public too, it'll be a back hand across the mouth. If they have a problem with it there'll be a fight if they want it.

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      • #4
        ....

        *growls* I HATE when I hear that happen and I'm with my Mom. That is elder abuse complete elder abuse.

        Of course you should have heard me yell when someone tried that with my Mom....

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        • #5
          I am currently the primary caretaker for both my mother (age 78) and my SIL (age 64).

          Mom is still extremely sharp mentally, but is extremely slow physically. I try to let her do as much of her own business as I possibly can, but I try to do as much footwork for her as possible. Last week she needed to purchase a new washing machine. I went inside the stores and scouted out what they had as opposed to the "must-have" features she wanted, and the "ambiance" of the business. If I believed that she would be interested, THEN I'd take her in to see for herself. Ultimately, it was her own final decision, but I saved a LOT of time and frustration for both of us by doing the preliminaries myself.

          As for SIL, she is a lot less capable, and I have to do a lot more for her. I am afraid that I have been guilty of finding the proper cards in her wallet that she needs. I try to let her do things for herself, but when she flips past the proper item 3 times while looking for it, and the clerk is waiting, I tend to step in. I try NOT to be condescending about it, though.
          Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.

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          • #6
            My own mother is now a vegetable, but when her mental decline was less severe there were times when I got frustrated at her condition. I can understand impatience and frustration. I *never* EVER talked to her in the tone that I heard today. This woman wasn't being impatient, she was being mean, plain and simple. In the space of about five minutes she turned an apparently competent older woman into a silently weeping, embarrassed wreck.

            When I walked past their car on my way out the daughter was sitting in the car with the door open, berating her mother for "making a scene" in the store. The old woman was just crying quietly in the passenger seat. I just wish that there had been something I could have done to help her.
            Sorry, my cow died so I don't need your bull

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            • #7
              Quoth EvilEmpryss View Post
              My own mother is now a vegetable, but when her mental decline was less severe there were times when I got frustrated at her condition. I can understand impatience and frustration. I *never* EVER talked to her in the tone that I heard today. This woman wasn't being impatient, she was being mean, plain and simple. In the space of about five minutes she turned an apparently competent older woman into a silently weeping, embarrassed wreck.

              When I walked past their car on my way out the daughter was sitting in the car with the door open, berating her mother for "making a scene" in the store. The old woman was just crying quietly in the passenger seat. I just wish that there had been something I could have done to help her.
              Hmm. Ask the cashier if she can get the OW's name from the credit card she used to pay, and file a report with Adult Protective Services?
              They say that God only gives us what we can handle. Apparently, God thinks I'm a bad ass.

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              • #8
                Jeez, IF I even THINK about talking to my mother like that I'd get slapped in the face real quick. And it doesn't matter that I'm in my 40's & she's 63.

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                • #9
                  Aw man.

                  Even though it's a reverse situation, I recall once I was tending a hotdog stand - a mother and her daughter came by. The daughter (approx. 8-9 years old) was very sweet and polite while ordering what I reckoned to be the cheapest meal on the menu.

                  But during all the time it took me to prepare the meal I could hear the mother berating her for how much she costed her, how big a burden she was, how thankful she should be that Mom allowed her to purchase the cheapest shit we had to offer and anyhow, she didn't bother cooking her dinner.... During that berating the poor little girl just stared quietly down the ground, shuffling her feet and looking embarassed.

                  It took all strenght in me not to tell the little girl: "You know what, the meal's on the house. You deserve that since you have to put up with such a BEE-YATCH of a mom."
                  A theory states that if anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for, it will be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

                  Another theory states that this has already happened.

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                  • #10
                    Quoth Panacea View Post
                    Hmm. Ask the cashier if she can get the OW's name from the credit card she used to pay, and file a report with Adult Protective Services?
                    If I saw something like that I would have left my stuff on the belt and walked out behind them, making sure to get the license plate number off the car...and then when I got home I would have filed a report.

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                    • #11
                      Quoth EvilEmpryss View Post
                      The old woman was just crying quietly in the passenger seat. I just wish that there had been something I could have done to help her.
                      "Mam are you alright? Is this person treating you badly? Would you like me to call someone for you?"

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                      • #12
                        A tad of a threadjack, but last year when I went to file an online complaint against a sucky driver for Tender Care Transport (a transportation services for the elderly around here), I read others and was nearly angered to tears, reading stories of how some of those drivers treat the elderly people they give rides to the doctor or wherever. I couldn't believe I was even reading such horrible stuff, and that that place is still in business.

                        My Nanna had Alzheimers and dimensia, the last couple years of her life, she completely lost her mind. Sure, we got impatient with her, it IS hard to deal with that, but we never ever baby talked her or patronized her.
                        You really need to see a neurologist. - Wagegoth

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                        • #13
                          My mother is 84, and in the last stages of Alzheimers. And yes, it's very frustrating to deal with her. But still, if I EVER took that demeaning a tone with her, she'd make me sorry I'd ever been born.

                          I second Aethian's response. It might take guts, and it might turn the daughter's ire on you, but it might also give that poor old woman some hope.

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                          • #14
                            Lord I'd never dare talk to my mother like that . Not even EVER. At 73 she can still reduce my brother (who is built like he could run through a barn wall) to a quivering heap with one look.

                            Anyway I wouldn't want to. After all, she is the one who cuddled me when I woke screaming with nightmares, who tore my school housemaster off a strip when he tried to humiliate me, who made my wedding cake and who looks after my boy when I'm at work. That bitch ought to remember a few things like that before she speaks to her mother again.
                            Engaged to the sweet Mytical He is my Black Dragon (and yes, a good one) strong, protective, the guardian. I am his Silver Dragon, always by his side, shining for him, cherishing him.

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                            • #15
                              Not sure if I posted this story on the boards, but here it is.

                              I had some woman creak up to my register on a busy day and requested my help in totaling up her purchase, she wasn't supposed to go over a certain amount and when she did, I had to void off items...you know the drill. She was nice to deal with, except she was SLOW. Slower than molasses flowing uphill on a cold day in January.

                              Anywho, her grandson comes in and immediately starts bitching about how he had to be somewhere by 11 and it was 10:30 and god grandma you're so slow and RRRRRGH and oh my god.

                              Finally I looked at him, and snapped, "She never ASKED to be that way, did she? Given the choice she'd rather be young and fit again like you!"

                              Guy calms down a little after that (still a bit snappy at grandma) but then he says, "Boy you're patient, aren't you?"

                              "In retail, you HAVE to be." Gave grandma her change and they left.

                              Yes, true, it was a busy, world falling around my ears day and I got impatient sighs and taps from the other customers, but y'know what? Fuck them. Getting mad at a slow old woman does NOTHING but make you and her upset.
                              Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts.-Winston Churchill

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