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My last full-time gig was as a telesurveyor for a small marketing company. We got a lot of different contracts, and one of them was to do follow-up satisfaction surveys for a lot of different universities throughout western Canada. These were easy and fun, because most people enjoyed reminiscing or giving their alma mater a good score. There are always a few, however...
Me = plucky telephone magician
SC = a beautiful mind
PW = poor wife
SF = sucky father
A Planet Short Of A Picnic
Me: Hi! My name is the_std and I'm calling on behalf of Boring University! *shpeal shpeal shpeal* Would you have a few minutes for some questions?
SC: Wait... Did you say you were calling from Boring University?
Me: I'm calling on behalf of them, sir.
SC: Wait... I bet you that... THEY told you to call me, didn't they?
Me: Uh... I'm sorry?
SC: THEY! They told you to call! But that's wrong! I'm supposed to be a national treasure! My work is very important! I was going to remain... *whisper mutter whisper* I was going to remain anonymous! (he paused to take a deep breath at this point, while I was trying to figure out what the good farking moon was going on here) I'm VERY disappointed in you... Wait, what did you say your name was?
Me: My name was the_std, and, sir, if you don't have the time to do this right now I can call back later or you can fill it out online if you-
SC: ONLINE?! But that's even less safe! Oh no no no no I don't want to be found. You can't find me! I refuse! I can't do this! No! Then you will find me! I cannot be found! I am a NATIONAL TREASURE!
Me: But sir, wouldn't they value your opinion on this if you were so important?
SC: ...... No. NO! You're just TRYING TO FIND ME! Never call me back! Never ever! Good bye and God bless! *click*
This was one of my monitored calls for the night, and the supervisor told me I did a very good job of trying to retain a client, even one so obviously off his meds. I got a one-dollar bonus and three chocolate bars for that.
Extra Education
Me: Hi! Can I please speak to Blanky McBlankerson?
PW: Oh, who's calling, please?
Me: My name is the_std and I'm calling on behalf of Crapola University.
PW: Well, Blanky doesn't live here anymo-
SF: WHO IS CALLING?
(I jumped a bit when he yelled this in the middle of his wife's sentence. I hadn't realized there were two people on the line. Oh, and all caps cannot convey how absolutely loud this man shouted. I was amazed I could hear after this phone call.)
PW: It's just someone for Blanky, hon-
SF: NO! You're calling from that goddamned university, aren't you? You FUCKER! How DARE you call this house? After all those letters I've sent you! How dare you?
PW: Honey, no, they just want to talk to Blanky and-
SF: NO! How fucking DARE you! I refuse to deal with you people!
Me: Well, sir, I need to talk to Blanky in order to-
SF: No. You will never call here again. Now, Wifey, give me the phone...
There was a bit of muffled noise, and then a loud click. He'd hung up both lines at once. I wish I could say that was the end of that, but nope. Policy was that we weren't allowed to accept refusals from ANYONE but the student. No one. Not even if they threatened us with anything and everything. Most unwilling parents realized this and either caved or blocked our number. So someone was going to have the pleasure of calling this number back. And guess who that lovely someone was, three nights later?
Me: Hello, can I please speak to Blanky?
PW: Oh, is this Crapola University again?
Me: Yes, m'am, I was the one who called a few nights ago. Can I-
PW: I'm so sorry for the way my husband reacted when you called the other night... See, Blanky came out of the closet while he was attending your university and my husband has always blamed you for it. I'm so very, deeply sorry.
Me: That's fine, m'am, no harm done. You said last time that Blanky no longer lives here? Can I have a number to contact him at?
The rest of the call went fine. I guess Sucky Father wasn't home to monitor the phone. I got Blanky's number and he did the survey. He was a very nice man. I made sure to be extra nice to him.
Yeah, I tend to attract the, uh, differently balanced more than the outrightly sucky, but it's amusing none the less!
Me = plucky telephone magician
SC = a beautiful mind
PW = poor wife
SF = sucky father
A Planet Short Of A Picnic
Me: Hi! My name is the_std and I'm calling on behalf of Boring University! *shpeal shpeal shpeal* Would you have a few minutes for some questions?
SC: Wait... Did you say you were calling from Boring University?
Me: I'm calling on behalf of them, sir.
SC: Wait... I bet you that... THEY told you to call me, didn't they?
Me: Uh... I'm sorry?
SC: THEY! They told you to call! But that's wrong! I'm supposed to be a national treasure! My work is very important! I was going to remain... *whisper mutter whisper* I was going to remain anonymous! (he paused to take a deep breath at this point, while I was trying to figure out what the good farking moon was going on here) I'm VERY disappointed in you... Wait, what did you say your name was?
Me: My name was the_std, and, sir, if you don't have the time to do this right now I can call back later or you can fill it out online if you-
SC: ONLINE?! But that's even less safe! Oh no no no no I don't want to be found. You can't find me! I refuse! I can't do this! No! Then you will find me! I cannot be found! I am a NATIONAL TREASURE!
Me: But sir, wouldn't they value your opinion on this if you were so important?
SC: ...... No. NO! You're just TRYING TO FIND ME! Never call me back! Never ever! Good bye and God bless! *click*
This was one of my monitored calls for the night, and the supervisor told me I did a very good job of trying to retain a client, even one so obviously off his meds. I got a one-dollar bonus and three chocolate bars for that.
Extra Education
Me: Hi! Can I please speak to Blanky McBlankerson?
PW: Oh, who's calling, please?
Me: My name is the_std and I'm calling on behalf of Crapola University.
PW: Well, Blanky doesn't live here anymo-
SF: WHO IS CALLING?
(I jumped a bit when he yelled this in the middle of his wife's sentence. I hadn't realized there were two people on the line. Oh, and all caps cannot convey how absolutely loud this man shouted. I was amazed I could hear after this phone call.)
PW: It's just someone for Blanky, hon-
SF: NO! You're calling from that goddamned university, aren't you? You FUCKER! How DARE you call this house? After all those letters I've sent you! How dare you?
PW: Honey, no, they just want to talk to Blanky and-
SF: NO! How fucking DARE you! I refuse to deal with you people!
Me: Well, sir, I need to talk to Blanky in order to-
SF: No. You will never call here again. Now, Wifey, give me the phone...
There was a bit of muffled noise, and then a loud click. He'd hung up both lines at once. I wish I could say that was the end of that, but nope. Policy was that we weren't allowed to accept refusals from ANYONE but the student. No one. Not even if they threatened us with anything and everything. Most unwilling parents realized this and either caved or blocked our number. So someone was going to have the pleasure of calling this number back. And guess who that lovely someone was, three nights later?
Me: Hello, can I please speak to Blanky?
PW: Oh, is this Crapola University again?
Me: Yes, m'am, I was the one who called a few nights ago. Can I-
PW: I'm so sorry for the way my husband reacted when you called the other night... See, Blanky came out of the closet while he was attending your university and my husband has always blamed you for it. I'm so very, deeply sorry.
Me: That's fine, m'am, no harm done. You said last time that Blanky no longer lives here? Can I have a number to contact him at?
The rest of the call went fine. I guess Sucky Father wasn't home to monitor the phone. I got Blanky's number and he did the survey. He was a very nice man. I made sure to be extra nice to him.
Yeah, I tend to attract the, uh, differently balanced more than the outrightly sucky, but it's amusing none the less!
Good one.
Ummmm, some
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