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Tips for calling the obit girl

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  • Tips for calling the obit girl

    To the people who call me...

    I realize you are grieving. I do sympathize. And I know calling me is one of the harder things you've had to do in a long time. But I really feel that even with grief on your mind, there are a few things I can ask of you.

    1. Before dialing, put down your pot, crack pipe, meth, cocaine, glue bag, dime bag, black bag, grocery bag, 8-ball, 9-iron, hair bleach, almonds, welding torch, loaded diaper, Indian food, or whatever drug you're currently ingesting.

    2. Make sure you can speak some language that is not Slobbering Drunk. English is preferred, though Spanish is moderately workable. Crying is fine, as well. Just not Slobbering Drunk, or it's dialect, Slavering Coke Fiend.

    3. Check and make sure someone you know has actually died within the last decade, and not just that you fell asleep while watching Steel Magnolias and are now convinced that your sister Julia is dead.

    4. Try to not be standing within a quarter mile of "Big Mama" or whatever sobriquet you call that shrieking female in the background who is not only drowning out your voice, but the voice of the editor sitting ten feet away from me, with her "Lawdy lawdy" and "Oh Jay-susssss" and "Chitlins".

    5. When I ask you whether a funeral home is handling arrangements, try not to burn the gears in your brain as you desperately try to remember what the word "is" means.

    6. We offer a free service. Do not bitch because you can't have exactly what you want for free. Do not try to inform me that you're "special" and deserve exactly what you want for free. Get this straight. I deal with death. All day. Every day. For at least four hours a day. I have an average of 11 deaths a day, and each one of those people has a family attached. And 90% of those families are thrilled to get a free obit, even if it's not delivered with scratch-and-sniff rose smell. If those people, who are losing infants, children, spouses, etc., are not so overcome with grief, then neither are you. You are just an ass.

    7. Do not say "Well, since we don't have any A, then we can just put something extra for B." No. No you can't. This is free. For free, you get to put something in A and something in B. If you don't have any A, oh well. You do not get to fill B at the expense of A. No. Down that path is madness. Free has rules because otherwise, people would be writing whole colums of B, refusing to include A, or throwing out B and A and trying to include C. C is not allowed. NO DAMN C.

    8. Do not yell at me for not crying on the phone with you. I've lost my share of family and I know it sucks. But to you, this is the most devastating day of your life, and to me, it's more paperwork. I will sympathize as a human being, but if I were required to wreck my day for every single obituary I get, I wouldn't be working here, I'd be a personal grief counselor somewhere.

    9. There is no one above me. Even if you get to the editor, he has no clue about dead people. He will throw you back at me so fast that Hank Aaron will say "Damn, that was fast." When it comes to death at this newspaper, I AM GOD.

    10. I think it bears repeating at this point to please not be drunk, high, stoned, in the process, or jonesing when you call me.

    11. If you ask me about something that is not death, I will try to help you out of sheer politeness. But if I don't know, do not freak out when I transfer you to someone who does.

    I'm sure I'll have more later, but there's some drunk guy on the phone asking me about his sister Julia.
    "Maybe the problem just went away...maybe it was the magical sniper fairy that comes and gives silenced hollow point rounds to people who don't eat their vegetables."

  • #2
    That's it. I'm refusing to do my mandatory overtime from now on if it's making me read stuff wrong.

    I swore to God the title of the thread was "Tips for calling the ORBIT girl"

    I thought this thread was about that cute little blonde English girl and the chewing gum commercials.

    Drat.
    You really need to see a neurologist. - Wagegoth

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    • #3
      Our local newspaper will not take calls from the public when dealing with obits. They will only take fax reports from funeral homes. If the funeral home just happened to spell someones name wrong or get the relationship to the decedent wrong, they will print a little blurb in their corrections column a few days later but only if informed by the funeral home. The paper in town charges $20.00 for up to 250 words for every obit and the local funeral homes add that to the cost of the funeral.
      This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

      Comment


      • #4
        Quoth MystyGlyttyr View Post
        Down that path is madness.
        Right here, we have SPARTA!
        "I call murder on that!"

        Comment


        • #5
          Quoth MystyGlyttyr View Post
          T

          9. There is no one above me. Even if you get to the editor, he has no clue about dead people. He will throw you back at me so fast that Hank Aaron will say "Damn, that was fast." When it comes to death at this newspaper, I AM GOD.
          lol im pretty sure they should worship you for not smitting them

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          • #6
            Quoth blas87 View Post
            That's it. I'm refusing to do my mandatory overtime from now on if it's making me read stuff wrong.

            I swore to God the title of the thread was "Tips for calling the ORBIT girl"

            I thought this thread was about that cute little blonde English girl and the chewing gum commercials.

            Drat.
            I thought the exact same thing!
            Check out my cosplay social group!
            http://customerssuck.com/board/group.php?groupid=18

            Comment


            • #7
              It never fails to amaze me that people have the gall to complain about FREE services.

              You get what you pay for.

              If you have to ask, it's probably better posted at www.fratching.com

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth blas87 View Post
                That's it. I'm refusing to do my mandatory overtime from now on if it's making me read stuff wrong.

                I swore to God the title of the thread was "Tips for calling the ORBIT girl"

                I thought this thread was about that cute little blonde English girl and the chewing gum commercials.

                Drat.
                I alo thought similar...except I thought of orbit as in, the moon.
                "...Muhuh? *blink-blink* >_O *roll over* ZZZzzz......"

                Comment


                • #9
                  Quoth Boozy View Post
                  It never fails to amaze me that people have the gall to complain about FREE services.
                  It used to amaze me, too ... until I started working at the library.
                  I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand. -- Linus Van Pelt

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth blas87 View Post
                    That's it. I'm refusing to do my mandatory overtime from now on if it's making me read stuff wrong.

                    I swore to God the title of the thread was "Tips for calling the ORBIT girl"

                    I thought this thread was about that cute little blonde English girl and the chewing gum commercials.

                    Drat.
                    That is totally what I thought it said as well. I need some sleep.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quoth blas87 View Post
                      That's it. I'm refusing to do my mandatory overtime from now on if it's making me read stuff wrong.

                      I swore to God the title of the thread was "Tips for calling the ORBIT girl"
                      As did I. Here I was thinking I was going to find out the right way to get the clean feeling, no matter what.
                      Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

                      "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        life's dirty, clean it up
                        I don't go in for ancient wisdom
                        I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
                        It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Quoth MystyGlyttyr View Post

                          2. Make sure you can speak some language that is not Slobbering Drunk. English is preferred, though Spanish is moderately workable. Crying is fine, as well. Just not Slobbering Drunk, or it's dialect, Slavering Coke Fiend.


                          10. I think it bears repeating at this point to please not be drunk, high, stoned, in the process, or jonesing when you call me.

                          11. If you ask me about something that is not death, I will try to help you out of sheer politeness. But if I don't know, do not freak out when I transfer you to someone who does.
                          I think those three things can apply to any job. At the arena I'd get customers who were already drunk way before the game started. Number 10 I've had happen to me too much. Number 11 I can really agree with as I would be asked where some obscure seating was.

                          Quoth blas87 View Post

                          I swore to God the title of the thread was "Tips for calling the ORBIT girl"

                          I thought this thread was about that cute little blonde English girl and the chewing gum commercials.

                          Drat.
                          I am friends with someone who looks like the orbit girl. She can do a great impression of the orbit girl.
                          Last edited by ArenaBoy; 08-24-2007, 10:46 PM.
                          The Grand Galactic Inquisitor hears all and sees all.

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