The Tow Files: Halloweenies

[bainsidhe]

unless Twitch wants everyone to think he's some dumb, ignorant illiterate hick, he better find a "real career" to apply himself to.

Interesting, considering Twitch wasn't the dumb, ignorant, illiterate hick that couldn't read the No Parking sign.

[Jester]

As one of the residential professional drunks of CS, I'd like to weigh in on the kid who tried to not get towed because he was too drunk to drive.

Kid gets an A for intentions, but an F for planning and execution. And a T for his car. As he found out the next day when he rose at the crack of "Hunh?" to find his car no longer where he left it, note and all.

Listen, kid, you're clearly an amateur. Sit down, crack a beer, and take some notes from an expert. And yeah, kid, I said expert. My credentials? I went to Arizona State University, one of the top party schools of all time, and for the last 14 years, I've lived in Key West, one of the top party towns of all time. Virtually every charity event we throw on this island somehow becomes a drinking event. (To our credit, a great number of drinking events somehow become charity events.) We have the most liquor license per capita in the USA, and in this place, not only is drinking considered a sport, but even the local AA chapter has a happy hour. (Seriously.)

So, you're planning a night out drinking. Let's look at your options.

1. You get someone else to drive. Grade: A+! Brilliant strategizing, and any issues with parking or towing aren't yours.

2. You take a cab or public transit to your destination. Grade: A-! A bit more expensive, but again, no issues with DUIs, towing, or tickets.

3. You drive, and park in free street parking, and later, when you realize you've had too much to drink, you leave your car where it is and cab it home, or catch a ride with a friend. Grade: B+! It's gonna suck retrieving your car in the morning, but at least it'll be there once you've sucked down enough caffeine and ibuprofen to deal with getting it.

4. You drive, park at the bar, and later, when you realize you've had too much to drink, you let the bar management know you need to leave your car there due to inebriation. Unless this bar has the most dickish management around, they'll be cool with that, and might even offer to call you a cab. ("You're a cab!") Grade: B+! Same morning result as #3 above, with the possible exception that you may have a time limit placed on you by the bar to get your car out of their lot. 8 am comes awfully early, but dealing with this shit while groggy and hungover still beats a DUI or a tow.

5. You drive and park in a pay lot or parking garage, and later, when you realize you've had too much to drink, you leave the car behind and get home safely. If you're really smart, you will have noticed the signs in the lot/garage that let you know at what time in the morning will extra rates apply. And trust me, there WILL be signs with this information. Especially if the parking is near any bars. Grade: B! Same morning result as 3 and 4 above, though potentially more expensive.

6. You drive and park at a meter. Grade: D! This will be expensive, will probably entail you asking one or more bartenders for change throughout the night (and honestly, why would you want to annoy the people controlling your alcohol?), and will likely result in a ticket when you leave your car there, unless you've robbed an arcade and have enough quarters to get your car through till your hungover resurrection the following day. Some meters do have "free" times at night (in Key West it's midnight to 8 am), and if you're practiced enough, you might just be able to get back to your car before the clock strikes Ticket. In which case your grade improves to a C, because that's a lot of effort to make on a hangover, and a lot of chance involved in your gambling that you'll wake up in time.

7. You drive and park in a permit space without a permit, or someone's driveway, or some other place that would likely result in a ticket or, more likely, a tow, when you leave your car behind "responsibly." Leaving a note is a neat and almost certainly flawed idea to avoid the tow. Your intentions were good when you left the car, but if you knew you'd be drinking--and let's be honest, you did--you were a bonehead to park it there in the first place. Hell, even if you thought you wouldn't be drinking, why the fuck did your sober ass park in a permit spot or no parking zone in the first place? Unless you were drunk when you parked there, which while not an excuse, would explain the stupidity of it all. Grade: D-! At least your dumb drunk ass didn't drive.

8. You drove and parked wherever, got drunk, and then stupidly drove home, risking your life and limb and that of other people. Grade: F! You're a douchebag, and an embarrassment to us professional drunks. You deserve to be arrested, asshole.

9. You drink at home, get hammered, drive to the bars, park at the police station in a Police Only parking spot, making sure your "Fuck the Police!" and "I Need More Pot!" bumper stickers are clearly visible, and drink the night away with gangbangers, drug dealers, and underage jailbait, preferably the kind whose fathers are cops. Grades: F for planning, F for execution, A++ for balls!

For those of you who may think some of my judgment may be a bit harsh, keep in mind that at various times of my life, I have done pretty much every one of these (except #9!), so any harshness is directed as much at myself and my own past stupidity as at the cretin in the OP.

Happy drinking!

[Seshat]

10. You drink at home or at a friend's home (or at a hotel or similar place) and stay there until your blood alcohol level reads 'safe to operate heavy machinery'. You clean up/help clean up/leave hefty tips as appropriate. Grade A++. A+++ if you're a polite drunk who doesn't become a nuisance to anyone.

[Mongo Skruddgemire]

Doesn't anyone realize that the "please don't tow me!" notes mean nothing?

The funny thing is that a place I lived for a while, we had permit parking. A woman had a "Please don't tow me" sign on her car...

...and a current parking permit issued and signed by the management of the apartment complex.

That one baffled me.

[fireheart]

For a long time the Chicago Transit Authority, would offer free or one-cent rides on NYE.

My state offers free rides on NYE. For a while, they used to offer to-door services on Saturday nights, but that's now changed to set routes stopping at areas such as petrol stations, where you can contact a friend or someone from there.

10. You drink at home or at a friend's home (or at a hotel or similar place) and stay there until your blood alcohol level reads 'safe to operate heavy machinery'. You clean up/help clean up/leave hefty tips as appropriate. Grade A++. A+++ if you're a polite drunk who doesn't become a nuisance to anyone.

You've just described what my friends and I do. we'll still go out to pubs and whatnot, but otherwise we'll stay at home and get drunk. Usually it ends with one very gropey boyfriend...

[XCashier]

Now, I'll let you be the judge here, but reproduced below, verbatim, is what those "confusing" signs say:

PRIVATE PARKING
Unauthorized vehicles will be towed
at owners expense
24 hours a day
7 days a week
Friendly Neighborhood Towing
XXX-XXXX

Got that?

We asked her, in vain, to explain to us just what was confusing and/or wrong about the wording on the sign, but she wouldn't elaborate.

Of course not. In SCspeak, "The sign is confusing" = "I'm too lazy to read the sign so I demand that you do what I want!"

I get that all the time at my work.

[Mr Hero]

PRIVATE PARKING
Unauthorized vehicles will be towed
at owners expense
24 hours a day
7 days a week
Friendly Neighborhood Towing
XXX-XXXX

Let me see if I can translate this to SC-ese.

PRIVATE PARKING
Unauthorized vehicles will be towed (but your vehicle is totally authorized.)
at lot owners expense
24 hours a day
7 days a week
Friendly Neighborhood Towing
And if we forget we're not supposed to tow you, please leave us a friendly note on your windshield.
XXX-XXXX

[crazylegs]

Let me see if I can translate this to SC-ese.

'Fraid not - this is how a SC sees that sign...

PRIVATE PARKING - but for you it's ok
If you bitch and whine about it we wont tow you
If by some horrendous mistake we tow you, bitch and whine and we'll return your car, fill your tank and valet it inside and out while sacrificing out first born to make up for the error.

[RockyD]

My wife has been reading me Argabarga posts for ages. This whole time I thought you had your own blog. I managed to navigate here in spite of not finding the "Argabarga blog". I hope she's proud of me.

I have had a few interactions with tow truck drivers, and it was always them saving my bacon. Breakdowns never occur where it is convenient to the owner. They have let me use their phones to call my wife to pick me up at the dealership/mechanic. They give me a ride to wherever I want to get the car fixed. They all take either AAA or insurance. I've even had one break into my car for me when I locked the keys in while it was running, and I was supposed to be on my way to work.

Please tell me that at least SOME of your business is rescuing car owners instead of property owners infected with uninvited guests.

[Jester]

Let me see if I can translate this to SC-ese.

'Fraid not - this is how a SC sees that sign...

Actually, you're both wrong. SCs see the sign as this:

PARKING

[fireheart]

Please tell me that at least SOME of your business is rescuing car owners instead of property owners infected with uninvited guests.

If you read through some of his older posts (not sure if they can be accessed still), you'll find that he's dedicated quite a few posts to dealing with vehicle breakdowns or similar. One of the more epic ones involved a call for what was originally assumed to be a flat tyre. It turned out to be not so much that the tyre was flat but rather OFF THE ROAD ENTIRELY and about 30 metres away

There's also a couple of posts involving their repo guy. We need more Twitch stories

[VenomX]

I think you all need to start doing this...

http://whnt.com/2013/11/05/tow-truck...0-cursing-fee/

[Chromatix]

You'd need to back such things up with recorded evidence, I think. Disputes *will* happen.

[EricKei]

If you read through some of his older posts (not sure if they can be accessed still)

Barring any unknown data errors or prior issues (read: hacks), old posts should still be around. Keep in mind that some changes to the Search system were implemented due partially to the sheer bulk of the database, in order to improve response time and ease the load on the server. Long story short, searches will only return the first one hundred hits now, so just narrow your search/be more specific if what you're looking for doesn't show up. For old ones, in particular, you could specify a 1-2 month (or whatever) date range, and adjust it up or down, as needed, in subsequent searches.

[Mr Hero]

Please tell me that at least SOME of your business is rescuing car owners instead of property owners infected with uninvited guests.

I'm sure he has plenty of service tow stories. But admit it, it's much more satisfying to read stories of idiots getting exactly what they deserve without management caving to their demands.