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The Chili Cookoff...LOL

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  • The Chili Cookoff...LOL

    NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

    The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from...not Texas.

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions of two judges (Native Texans). They said that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

    CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

    Judge # 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

    Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    Judge #3 (Frank): Holy ****! What is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it! Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

    CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

    Judge # 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

    Judge # 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    Judge # 3: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

    Judge # 2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers

    Judge # 3: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before the flames that come from my ears ignite again. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

    CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

    Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    Judge # 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    Judge # 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. blonde lady is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. They told me chili is an aphrodisiac!

    CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

    Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

    Judge # 2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    Judge # 3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.! It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

    CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

    Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

    Judge # 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be braver than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore, and I really need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.

    CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

    Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    Judge # 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    Judge # 3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    CHILI #8: TOMMY'S TOE-NAIL CURLING CHILI

    Judge # 1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

    Judge # 2: This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. I wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili!
    Skilled programmers aren't cheap. Cheap programmers aren't skilled.

  • #2
    I'd like to go to that chili cookoff.
    "Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid" Redd Foxx as Al Royal - The Royal Family - Pilot Episode - 1991.

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    • #3
      Quoth mjr View Post
      Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
      This is a chili cookoff in Texas? My understanding is that in the "Texas style" category, beans are a prohibited ingredient.
      Any fool can piss on the floor. It takes a talented SC to shit on the ceiling.

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      • #4
        Quoth wolfie View Post
        This is a chili cookoff in Texas? My understanding is that in the "Texas style" category, beans are a prohibited ingredient.
        Must have been a "yankee" chili taster.

        As Sheldon Cooper would say, "Real chili has no beans..." and "this is good, whatever it is" (in reference to chili with beans).
        Skilled programmers aren't cheap. Cheap programmers aren't skilled.

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