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*Cue scratchy 1950's film strip music*
So! You want to be a social worker, do you? Do you dream of helping people and changing lives? Do you want to be the shelter in the storm, the one rock upon which some child somewhere will build the rest of their life, as you were the one anchor of stability they could count on no matter the chaos that was engulfing the rest of their life?
Well, let's take a look at those dreams. Social work is hard work! And, it also takes the right frame of mind to do it! Before you make a beeline to the college admissions office, take a moment to answer these probing questions and let's see if social work is the right work for you!
*End scratchy 1950's film strip music*
*Cue this fitting quiz music*
1. How do you feel about paperwork?
A.) I can handle it.
B.) I don't really mind it.
C.) I fly into a homicidal rage at the very thought that somewhere there might be a stand of forest not yet converted into sweet, sweet stacks of State Form 5122-Q's. Please, won't someone think of the paper mill workers?!
2. You've been tasked with bringing four children to a visit with either their mother or father (and only the one, as mom and dad cannot stand to be in the same county as one another, let alone the same room). Taken individually, any one of these children can be pleasant, even engaging, and interesting to talk to. When together, however, they morph into a hideous, four-headed beast whose only reason for existing is to attract and consume all of the world's attention. At this point, each child's only motivation in life is to make sure that my brother and/or sisters must not get any attention. I will fight to the death to ensure that the world only pays attention to me -- Me! ME! MEEEEEE! You are trapped in a car with these children, and it appears that nuclear war may break out in the backseat at any moment. How do you handle it?
A.) Calm, reasoned discussion. Yes, one of the children may be only two years old, but the others are older and more capable of listening and understanding.
B.) Pull over to the side of the interstate and let things burn themselves out. After all, it's not like you're on a schedule or anything.
C.) Chloroform.
3. Mom and Dad already have one kid in DSS custody, but were doing so well in working their case plan and getting their lives on a good path that when they had a second child, that child was not, as per standard procedure, immediately taken into custody as well. However, Dad decided to visit his mother over the weekend, and his mother decided such a visit would be an excellent time to inject Dad with heroin and then spend two days doing every opiate and narcotic known to man. Dad eventually went to the hospital when he ran out of the house at 3AM, screaming because he was convinced that the walls were moving. As a result, Child 2 is now being taken into custody. Mom and Dad are sitting on the other side of your desk sobbing, and Dad is begging Mom for forgiveness, and saying, with his hands raised up to the ceiling as though beseeching the disinterested God in heaven beyond that they will have to leave Dark Corner County because it is a bad place filled with bad people and it is a poisonous, killing place that only takes, and takes, and takes and never gives, and they will never be free and will never live clean so long as they stay in this godforsaken pit where even the angels turn their faces away. What do you do while watching this spectacle?
A.) Marvel at the poetry of what he's saying, and shiver from the knowledge that it's all true.
B.) Offer them tissues and let them cry it out.
C.) Offer tissues, but continue perusing the Internet for the perfect tuna casserole recipe, preferably one with artichokes, because artichokes are delicious.
4. You have been called upon to inspect a house where it has been reported that children are living in unutterable filth. It is true that the house is indeed unutterably filthy. As you open a cabinet in the kitchen, Mom is passionately arguing that it's perfectly normal to leave a dead dog in the back bedroom for nine, ten... eleven days as of today, but she'll bury it soon, but her back has been giving her just a dickens of a time, and we've had all this rain, and surely you understand -- She is interrupted by several cockroaches the size of catcher's mitts erupting from the cabinet and landing on your head. How do you react?
A.) Shake them off and keep your cool. Consider the many social and economic factors that led this woman to this place and situation.
B.) Hit the floor flailing and screaming, and then flail and scream your way back to your feet once you realize that the floor is uniformly coated in a layer of animal and human feces roughly two inches thick.
C.) Wheel on the woman with fury in your eyes and roar, "Goddamn it Maureen! (This is assuming that the woman's name is, in fact, Maureen.)
5. You've identified a potential placement option for a small child, but the potential foster mom let it slip that she sees a psychiatrist because she had a very traumatic childhood herself. You decide to speak to the psychiatrist to get a better understanding of whether this potential placement would be a good one for the child. The psychiatrist is very reticent to speak with you. After roughly five minutes of going in circles, what do you say to the psychiatrist that finally elicits a breakthrough, and a font of exactly the sort of useful information you needed?
A.) "I perfectly understand where you're coming from. I'll fax that release of information right away."
B.) "I'm not asking for a detailed history, just your impression of whether this person is fit to parent a small child or not. I'll fax that release of information right away."
C.) "Look, all I need to know is whether or not she'll put the kid in the microwave and turn it on. I'll fax that release of information right away."
6. You've been asked by a local college to speak to a class of budding social workers. You share your wisdom, and afterward you get to role play with the class. You play the part of a client, and the teacher has told you to act like a real client. You do, and you do your best to be the realest client those students have ever seen. You base your character on several of your own clients. At the end of the role play exercise, how will the students react?
A.) All the students come away filled with purpose and hope.
B.) All the students find they understand the work and its challenges a little better.
C.) One student suffers a panic attack and runs from the room screaming, while the others appear to have been rocked back in their seats as if from some concussive blast in the middle of the room.
7. One of the children on your case load is a baby with so many broken bones that he crackles when you pick him up. Mom refused to take the baby to the hospital after the incident in which all those bones got broken because doing so would have meant Dad would have gotten in trouble. Word got out anyway though, and here you all are. Mom calls often for updates on the condition of her "little angel." Mom also often waxes hopeful for the day when she can get her baby back. What do you say to encourage her?
A.) "We can certainly help you with your case plan goals."
B.) "We can connect you to services to help you accomplish your goals."
C.) "Lady, if you want to practice your maternal skills, I suggest you get a fucking puppy."
8. Mom is nonplussed. She argues vehemently that the three hours a day she lets her two-year old daughter out of her cage are more than adequate and she does not see what all this fuss and bother is about. Eventually she turns to you and says, "So are you going to be the one who's going to help me get her back?" What do you say?
A.) "I'm not sure yet. That case hasn't been assigned yet."
B.) "In all likelihood, yes."
C.) "Ma'am, if you were on fire right now, my biggest concern would be making sure I could get hold of a bag of marshmallows and a good sharp stick before you went out. What I mean to say, ma'am, is that were you on fire I would not offer so much as the sweat from my dirty wet asshole to douse the flames."
9. Mom has had thirteen children by eleven different men. She is not concerned that the agency is taking custody of her thirteenth child. In fact she is defiant. She says, quote, "Go ahead and take him. I'll just have another." In the due course of time did she, in fact, have another?
A.) No, because no one would fuck her. She looks like a poorly-crafted frog puppet.
B.) Of course not! She learned her lesson.
C.) Yes. She gave birth to child 14, child 15, and child 16 in prison.
And now for the discussion question:
10. Two of the children on your case list are a pair of twin boys who were so viciously sexually abused by their grandfather that they cannot so much as hear their grandparents' names because if they do they will suffer something almost akin to an epileptic fit. They will, in fact, suffer a full-blown shrieking, crying panic attack and they will go so far as to burrow under the furniture to find any place, any place all that they think may be safe enough to hide. What do you suppose the future holds for these brothers?
Extra credit:
* What do you suppose happened to the baby with the broken bones, and also to Child 13?
So! You want to be a social worker, do you? Do you dream of helping people and changing lives? Do you want to be the shelter in the storm, the one rock upon which some child somewhere will build the rest of their life, as you were the one anchor of stability they could count on no matter the chaos that was engulfing the rest of their life?
Well, let's take a look at those dreams. Social work is hard work! And, it also takes the right frame of mind to do it! Before you make a beeline to the college admissions office, take a moment to answer these probing questions and let's see if social work is the right work for you!
*End scratchy 1950's film strip music*
*Cue this fitting quiz music*
1. How do you feel about paperwork?
A.) I can handle it.
B.) I don't really mind it.
C.) I fly into a homicidal rage at the very thought that somewhere there might be a stand of forest not yet converted into sweet, sweet stacks of State Form 5122-Q's. Please, won't someone think of the paper mill workers?!
2. You've been tasked with bringing four children to a visit with either their mother or father (and only the one, as mom and dad cannot stand to be in the same county as one another, let alone the same room). Taken individually, any one of these children can be pleasant, even engaging, and interesting to talk to. When together, however, they morph into a hideous, four-headed beast whose only reason for existing is to attract and consume all of the world's attention. At this point, each child's only motivation in life is to make sure that my brother and/or sisters must not get any attention. I will fight to the death to ensure that the world only pays attention to me -- Me! ME! MEEEEEE! You are trapped in a car with these children, and it appears that nuclear war may break out in the backseat at any moment. How do you handle it?
A.) Calm, reasoned discussion. Yes, one of the children may be only two years old, but the others are older and more capable of listening and understanding.
B.) Pull over to the side of the interstate and let things burn themselves out. After all, it's not like you're on a schedule or anything.
C.) Chloroform.
3. Mom and Dad already have one kid in DSS custody, but were doing so well in working their case plan and getting their lives on a good path that when they had a second child, that child was not, as per standard procedure, immediately taken into custody as well. However, Dad decided to visit his mother over the weekend, and his mother decided such a visit would be an excellent time to inject Dad with heroin and then spend two days doing every opiate and narcotic known to man. Dad eventually went to the hospital when he ran out of the house at 3AM, screaming because he was convinced that the walls were moving. As a result, Child 2 is now being taken into custody. Mom and Dad are sitting on the other side of your desk sobbing, and Dad is begging Mom for forgiveness, and saying, with his hands raised up to the ceiling as though beseeching the disinterested God in heaven beyond that they will have to leave Dark Corner County because it is a bad place filled with bad people and it is a poisonous, killing place that only takes, and takes, and takes and never gives, and they will never be free and will never live clean so long as they stay in this godforsaken pit where even the angels turn their faces away. What do you do while watching this spectacle?
A.) Marvel at the poetry of what he's saying, and shiver from the knowledge that it's all true.
B.) Offer them tissues and let them cry it out.
C.) Offer tissues, but continue perusing the Internet for the perfect tuna casserole recipe, preferably one with artichokes, because artichokes are delicious.
4. You have been called upon to inspect a house where it has been reported that children are living in unutterable filth. It is true that the house is indeed unutterably filthy. As you open a cabinet in the kitchen, Mom is passionately arguing that it's perfectly normal to leave a dead dog in the back bedroom for nine, ten... eleven days as of today, but she'll bury it soon, but her back has been giving her just a dickens of a time, and we've had all this rain, and surely you understand -- She is interrupted by several cockroaches the size of catcher's mitts erupting from the cabinet and landing on your head. How do you react?
A.) Shake them off and keep your cool. Consider the many social and economic factors that led this woman to this place and situation.
B.) Hit the floor flailing and screaming, and then flail and scream your way back to your feet once you realize that the floor is uniformly coated in a layer of animal and human feces roughly two inches thick.
C.) Wheel on the woman with fury in your eyes and roar, "Goddamn it Maureen! (This is assuming that the woman's name is, in fact, Maureen.)
5. You've identified a potential placement option for a small child, but the potential foster mom let it slip that she sees a psychiatrist because she had a very traumatic childhood herself. You decide to speak to the psychiatrist to get a better understanding of whether this potential placement would be a good one for the child. The psychiatrist is very reticent to speak with you. After roughly five minutes of going in circles, what do you say to the psychiatrist that finally elicits a breakthrough, and a font of exactly the sort of useful information you needed?
A.) "I perfectly understand where you're coming from. I'll fax that release of information right away."
B.) "I'm not asking for a detailed history, just your impression of whether this person is fit to parent a small child or not. I'll fax that release of information right away."
C.) "Look, all I need to know is whether or not she'll put the kid in the microwave and turn it on. I'll fax that release of information right away."
6. You've been asked by a local college to speak to a class of budding social workers. You share your wisdom, and afterward you get to role play with the class. You play the part of a client, and the teacher has told you to act like a real client. You do, and you do your best to be the realest client those students have ever seen. You base your character on several of your own clients. At the end of the role play exercise, how will the students react?
A.) All the students come away filled with purpose and hope.
B.) All the students find they understand the work and its challenges a little better.
C.) One student suffers a panic attack and runs from the room screaming, while the others appear to have been rocked back in their seats as if from some concussive blast in the middle of the room.
7. One of the children on your case load is a baby with so many broken bones that he crackles when you pick him up. Mom refused to take the baby to the hospital after the incident in which all those bones got broken because doing so would have meant Dad would have gotten in trouble. Word got out anyway though, and here you all are. Mom calls often for updates on the condition of her "little angel." Mom also often waxes hopeful for the day when she can get her baby back. What do you say to encourage her?
A.) "We can certainly help you with your case plan goals."
B.) "We can connect you to services to help you accomplish your goals."
C.) "Lady, if you want to practice your maternal skills, I suggest you get a fucking puppy."
8. Mom is nonplussed. She argues vehemently that the three hours a day she lets her two-year old daughter out of her cage are more than adequate and she does not see what all this fuss and bother is about. Eventually she turns to you and says, "So are you going to be the one who's going to help me get her back?" What do you say?
A.) "I'm not sure yet. That case hasn't been assigned yet."
B.) "In all likelihood, yes."
C.) "Ma'am, if you were on fire right now, my biggest concern would be making sure I could get hold of a bag of marshmallows and a good sharp stick before you went out. What I mean to say, ma'am, is that were you on fire I would not offer so much as the sweat from my dirty wet asshole to douse the flames."
9. Mom has had thirteen children by eleven different men. She is not concerned that the agency is taking custody of her thirteenth child. In fact she is defiant. She says, quote, "Go ahead and take him. I'll just have another." In the due course of time did she, in fact, have another?
A.) No, because no one would fuck her. She looks like a poorly-crafted frog puppet.
B.) Of course not! She learned her lesson.
C.) Yes. She gave birth to child 14, child 15, and child 16 in prison.
And now for the discussion question:
10. Two of the children on your case list are a pair of twin boys who were so viciously sexually abused by their grandfather that they cannot so much as hear their grandparents' names because if they do they will suffer something almost akin to an epileptic fit. They will, in fact, suffer a full-blown shrieking, crying panic attack and they will go so far as to burrow under the furniture to find any place, any place all that they think may be safe enough to hide. What do you suppose the future holds for these brothers?
Extra credit:
* What do you suppose happened to the baby with the broken bones, and also to Child 13?
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