Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[ArenaBoy]

Not allowed to take kickballs I find in the building
Not allowed to use said kickballs as soccer balls when there is nothing to do
Having a rock fight is not allowed (Coworkers were doing this)
Not allowed to do mob voices when I work the mob suite name
Asking to set up wireless security so you can check your forums while on break is bad
Reading Fast Food Nation and loudly exclaming all the disgusting stuff is bad
Especially if coworkers are eating fast food
I will not respond to the ex-navy supervisor in soldier fashion.
That includes "Sir yes Sir", doing push-ups when he is around, and singing in miltary tune
It is a bad idea to point out major flaws of a customer's argument
Even if my supervisor finds it funny

EDIT: One more thing, I am not allowed to record the PA voice for music purposes

[lordlundar]

Deflating and boxing basketballs for winter storage does not involve a Buck knife or a BB gun.

Spoilsport

Stop storing cookies in the gun safe display.

Ditto for soda.

Even if it's high theft by staff?

Do not put polka music into the display CD players.

Isn't putting it in counting as cruel and unusual punishment?

Not allowed to make fun of people waiting in line for the PS3 while on the clock.

(Next day) Not allowed to make fun of people waiting in line for the PS3 even if I am off the clock.

Yeah, I was told this too. And I REALLY wanted to.

Even if it involves a clown suit, Lysol, and is really really funny.

I'm not even sure I wanna know...

[Myra]

Cell Phone Store
- Playing football in the store is not recommended. Even if all the sales guys and the boss are involved. Eventually, something will break.
- If the chair in the back office is broken, take it out to the dumpster. Don't leave it there for the boss to sit in later when he forgets it is broken. Even if it is funny to hear the giant CRASH! then the sound of him cursing later on from the front of the office.
- Do not steal Myra's candy. Unless you want to lose an arm.
- I don't care if Myra has Snicker's left. Stay the hell outta her candy. It doesn't matter if you're the boss.

Grocery Store
- The pallets of cereal are not for building forts in the back room.
- Stop putting rotten meat in your co-worker's pocket when he's not paying attention.
- Same goes for throwing said rotten meat at the co-worker when he's outside having a smoke.
- As tempting as it may be, do not scratch your butt with your gloved hand before slicing the ham of rude customers.

[AFpheonix]

-Can't recommend anal sex as a better "Plan A" for people that complain about the cost of "Plan B"
- I'm not allowed to perv on hot customers or the new LP Guy.
- Using the pill bottles as a sippy cup is a no-no.

[Crosshair]

I'm not even sure I wanna know...

I was going to be the "Deodorant Fairy". Educating the stinking masses, huddled in our layaway department waiting for the PS3 to be released, about the wonderfull world of proper hygiene.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

SPecial holiday edition:

When the Jackson 5's version of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", I am not allowed to sing my own version of that song, about a certain lead singer from said Jackson 5.

It starts "I saw Michael Jackson kissing little boys..."

[DGoddessChardonnay]

I was going to be the "Deodorant Fairy". Educating the stinking masses, huddled in our layaway department waiting for the PS3 to be released, about the wonderfull world of proper hygiene.

Is he any relation to Don Quiote who used to appear in those old 1970's dental hygeine commercials who rode around on a horse, fighting the windmills with a giant toothbrush?

[KaeZoo]

Car audio install bay edition:

-It is a minor annoyance that store management regards our install bay restroom as their executive washroom. However, if, while the restroom is in use, I strike the adjoining wall HARD with the flat of a shovel, I should not be surprised at the confiscation of said shovel.
-If I forget to lock my tool box, they'll probably take my big rubber mallet, too.
-While we're on the subject, I need to stop telling co-workers how "Stinkyfinger" got his nickname.

-Even if I have my co-worker's cooperation, my customer will not be amused to find a bound-and-gagged store employee in her trunk when I open it to demonstrate her new speakers.

-While it is an interesting fact that a 6-amp diode will fit snugly into the barrel of a ball-point pen, and that the pen barrel can be fitted tightly over the nozzle of my air-hose blower attachment, this is not an adequate explanation for the 6-amp diode stuck fifteen feet up in the wall of my install bay.
-Nor does it explain the puncture in the bottle of saline at the eye-wash station.

-The big glass windows between the main store and the install bay exist so that customers can watch us at work; however, they may not understand if I post a sign that says "heLp i aM a PriSoner".
-Or the small card on the floor drain, warning of sewer monsters.

[lordlundar]

-Even if I have my co-worker's cooperation, my customer will not be amused to find a bound-and-gagged store employee in her trunk when I open it to demonstrate her new speakers.

-While it is an interesting fact that a 6-amp diode will fit snugly into the barrel of a ball-point pen, and that the pen barrel can be fitted tightly over the nozzle of my air-hose blower attachment, this is not an adequate explanation for the 6-amp diode stuck fifteen feet up in the wall of my install bay.
-Nor does it explain the puncture in the bottle of saline at the eye-wash station.

-The big glass windows between the main store and the install bay exist so that customers can watch us at work; however, they may not understand if I post a sign that says "heLp i aM a PriSoner".

Okay, these I CANNOT show to my install techs, lest I get in trouble for these.

[Crosshair]

-While it is an interesting fact that a 6-amp diode will fit snugly into the barrel of a ball-point pen, and that the pen barrel can be fitted tightly over the nozzle of my air-hose blower attachment, this is not an adequate explanation for the 6-amp diode stuck fifteen feet up in the wall of my install bay.
-Nor does it explain the puncture in the bottle of saline at the eye-wash station.

Sooooo many memories from high school involving something along those lines.

[JustADude]

-While it is an interesting fact that a 6-amp diode will fit snugly into the barrel of a ball-point pen, and that the pen barrel can be fitted tightly over the nozzle of my air-hose blower attachment, this is not an adequate explanation for the 6-amp diode stuck fifteen feet up in the wall of my install bay.

Oh great, you had me *hic* laughing so *hic* hard I've *hic* got the *hic*... Ah, you get *hic* the id-*hic*dea.

[ArenaBoy]

-Cannot swear at customers in Italian
-Or French, Japanese, German, Russian, Portuguese, Spanish, Chinese, Greek, and Korean
-The flashlights are not pointy for one's pleasure
-Reenacting Strangers with Candy is not funny
-Nor is reenacting the Argument Clinic sketch from Monty Python
-I am not a professional complainer and stop stating that to customers
-And I am not a professional verbal abuser either
-Aphex Twin being played loudly while counting tickets? Bad
-Same for Flaming Lips, Beck, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Autechre, and Jane's Addiction
-When working the North Clubs I am not allowed to make fun of the compant names
-Even if two of them are KGB associates and Larry, Moe, and Curly
-I am not allowed to talk about rigging the sound and light system to fit the atmosphere of the rave underground in the new clubs. Even if I am joking about it.
-If I find $20 I am to return it to the man in charge.
-If I find a shredded love note, I am supposed to bring it back and help piece it back together
-I cannot install digital cable with the sports package so I can watch my soccer matches when I'm on break
-Even if I offer to pay for the set-up

[Mr. Crow]

- Running out of a factory fast with a vital part of a motor is acceptable behavior if you are avoiding engineers.

- "You f***ing broke it" is an acceptable diagnosis for the management to make.

- Fire is inevitable.

- Bringing fire arms to work is tolerated, nay encouraged.

- The safe is not to be opened for any reason. We lost the combination for a reason.

- Thats the bosses story and he is sticking to it.

- OSHA is a myth.

- So don't call them.

- Giggleing as a customer does something very stupid is acceptable as long as they are looking away from you when you do it.

- Stop whineing about the manure and sewage on motors and drives Crow.

- You won't die from it.

- Unless there is an E. Coli outbreak again in Burlington. Again.

[DarthRetard]

Things a Radioshack Sales Assoc. Cannot Do:

1. Make stereotype jokes to a customer

2. Explain said jokes, when the customer doesnt get it, using the words "you people"

3. Yell "What the F--- do you want?!?!?" when a customer walks in the store 5 min before closing.

4. Ask attractive female customers if they'd like to make a deal to get that iPod for cheaper.

5. Blast Weird Al on the iPod systems.

6. Show the Adult channels on the Dish Network system on the LCD TVs.

7. I am not "the Juggernaut Bitch!", and I do not have a "pimp cane."

8. Speak chinese to a customer who speaks spanish in such a way that i cannot understand, and then follow it with, "See how that feels?"

9. Inform customers of Motorola's deal with the chinese military to build the detonators in their landmines.

10. Inform a customer of how many times a day a panda will stand on it's head, which FYI, is 8, on average. I am told they do not care.

11. I cannot ask a customer's advice on how to attract other males. (i'm not gay, but it's fun to do.)

12. It is never appropriate to tell customers that cell phones now have detonation devices within them, that if the bill is overpaid, it will self-destruct at the companies activation.

13. In addition, it is also not appropriate to tell this to neurotic elderly women who still believe that Russia is our worst enemy.

14. I absolutely under on circumstance am not allowed to tell an annoying customer that another store in our district has said number of product, just to prank them.

15. I've found it's not advisable to ask an Indian customer if they've been to the Roadhouse Steakhouse.

16. I've also found that to be hilarious to do, though my manager thinks it's a bit off-color.

17. We are not allowed to rock-paper-scissors to see who has to deal with the elderly.

18. iPods, no matter what i tell the older customers, are not tracking devices for the NSA.

19. My godzilla impersonation is not funny, ever.

20. I am not allowed to question Elvis Presley's sexuality.

21. My boss's either.

22. Or my coworkers.

23. Or my coworkers' relatives

24. Or my boss' girlfriend

25. I cannot chase the "Seeing Eye" dogs with remote control cars. It's not funny.

26. Sneaking up on little children is not at all humorous.

27. Doing my Hulk impersonation is not appropriate chick-magnet behavior.

28. Radioshack is for nerds, so act like one.

29. I do.

30. I am not allowed to groan at my dismay at having to do a cell phone activation.

31. Our customers are actually people.

[Bella_Vixen]

Not allowed to politely point out the difference of us actually having a creamer station and being out of said creamer when customers storm up to me asking "Do you HAVE any cream for coffee?!?!" when they mean to tell me that they tried said creamer dispenser and it is out.

I am in the middle of getting written up for this, BTW.