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Some abusers just don't quit

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  • #31
    Can't really be of much help, but I'll keep a candle lit.

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    • #32
      Quoth Eireann View Post
      I doubt that contacting his wife would help. Also, since I'm going to sic the law on him, I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize my case. As for his wife, he may well be abusing her, too, and if so, she's probably too afraid to say or do anything.

      This guy used to hit me, but not in a way that I could complain to the police. He slapped my hand - hard, and it hurt, and he knew it hurt. He bruised me, and once raised a knot on the back of my hand. Each time he did it, he smiled. And he set me up so that he would have the opportunity to slap my hand.

      At the time, though, I still thought he was, more or less, one of the good guys, and I thought that the slapping was just one of those things you don't like about the other person. After I came to realize what a shit he was (and is!), I didn't feel right going to the police. Women have been killed by their significant others; they've had bones broken and teeth knocked out; they've suffered brain damage; they've been scarred physically as well as emotionally. It didn't feel right to go to the police (especially since we were no longer together) and report him as an abuser because he'd done something so minor, as I saw it. And I felt that the police wouldn't take me seriously. I may well have been right.
      It might depend on the cops. Have you ever read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker? Among other things he talks about how victims (usually but not always women) convince themselves that things "aren't really all that bad" or that "it was just a disagreement" and eventually, of course, "it was my fault." It's quite the eye-opener of a book -- even moreso when you realize the author himself came from a home rampant with domestic violence -- and the violent partner was his mother.

      Quoth Eireann View Post
      AccountingDrone, one thing I did do was to download an app to my smartphone. When anyone calls me, a little recording icon appears on the screen. It doesn't seem likely that he'll go so far as to call me (I don't think my phone number is online, but I don't know), but if he does, I can record it. And my state allows phone calls to be recorded without the other party to the call being aware of it.

      I'm taking full legal action against him. Not only is this harassment, it's an extension of the abuse he used to dish out on a regular basis. I now know his address, and I know his profession. I don't know where he works, but I have a pretty good idea.
      Good move to download that app! Given his pushiness thus far, I wouldn't rule out a phone call, although hopefully he's not THAT stupid ...

      As for taking full legal action against him ... go for it. Nail his ass to the wall. His wife might well thank you in her prayers.
      Customer service: More efficient than a Dementor's kiss
      ~ Mr Hero

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      • #33
        While being out of country gives you a buffer, it's not absolute. Contacting the local authorities is probably a good idea. Get some more advice. Who knows, you might be able to get him on a "no entry" list. Maybe even the do not fly.
        Life is too short to not eat popcorn.
        Save the Ales!
        Toys for Tots at Rooster's Cafe

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        • #34
          So far, he hasn't done anything against the law. I contacted an organization that works with victims of domestic violence, and even they didn't take me very seriously. The woman who answered my email used the word "uncomfortable" in describing my reaction to his attempts to contact me.

          The facts of the matter are this: he hasn't threatened me (or anyone else) in any way. He hasn't made any kind of sexual overtures. He hasn't said anything about wanting to visit me, or about wanting to meet with me the next time I'm home. Those are the things the police will point out, I'm sure.

          What he has done is to make repeated attempts to contact me, even after I blocked him on Facebook (which, in and of itself, should have been a clear sign that I have no interest in having any contact with him). By his own written admission, he's been looking for me "for some time". And this guy is married; what happily married man spends years trying to contact a former girlfriend? If he wanted to apologize for the way he treated me, he could have done so in the message that he sent on Facebook years ago. Or, he could have apologized in the email he sent last week. But he didn't.

          I doubt that I can put him on any kind of Do Not Fly list, since he hasn't broken any laws. This country, unfortunately, doesn't take stalking very seriously, even though there is a law against it.

          Yes, I've read (and I own) The Gift of Fear, that Bible for abuse victims everywhere. I kept thinking about something de Becker says in the book - that if someone calls you fifty times before you answer, you've just taught that person that it takes fifty calls to get you to answer. And I have no intention of teaching him that.

          I finally remembered that an old friend of the family works in law enforcement. I have contacted this friend, and am awaiting a reply.

          I still have that feeling that he'll be able to manipulate others to believe that, hey, he's just an old boyfriend who wanted to know how I was doing, and if I had a problem with it, I could have just told him, no need for all this fuss, wow, she really has a serious problem, doesn't she? Always playing the victim, his actions aren't his own; they're always the fault of someone else.

          Then I think of the people who work in law enforcement, and all of the stories they've heard over the years. And this guy is a classic example of the Dunning-Kruger effect - stupid and untalented, yet with an unshakable belief that he has a genius IQ and more talent than the rest of the planet put together. He can't manipulate everybody. Not everyone is going to fall for that bullshit act.

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          • #35
            Have I read it right, Eireann, that this lemon is currently living in the States?
            Engaged to the sweet Mytical He is my Black Dragon (and yes, a good one) strong, protective, the guardian. I am his Silver Dragon, always by his side, shining for him, cherishing him.

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            • #36
              Hey! Lemons have excellent manners and behaviour and should in no way be maligned by being associated with this specimen.

              If I may hand over to the cast of All's Well That Ends Well for their thoughts on him..

              Second Lord:'He's a most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise-breaker, the owner of no one good quality.'(Act 3 sc 6)

              And Mr.Lafeu your opinion of him?:'Methinks thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee'(Act 2 sc 3)

              And finally to the Earl of Kent from King Lear...

              'Thou art a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy,
              worsted-stocking knave; a lily-liver'd, action-taking, whoreson,
              glass-gazing, superserviceable, finical rogue;
              one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd in way of
              good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave,
              beggar, coward, pander, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch'(Act 2 sc 2)

              And all of us agree!
              The Copyright Monster has made me tell you that my avatar is courtesy of the wonderful Alice XZ.And you don't want to annoy the Copyright Monster.

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              • #37
                Marmalady, yes, he's living in the States. I found his address so that I can file a complaint with the relevant authorities if this situation escalates.

                Kit-Ginevra, I LOVE it! That's exactly what he is!

                I got an email from our friend in law enforcement, and said friend asked for this guy's name, which I was happy to give. I don't know what will happen as a result.

                Has anyone else ever dealt with something like this? I've read many a story of stalking, but never one quite like the situation in which I find myself.

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                • #38
                  Quoth Eireann View Post

                  Has anyone else ever dealt with something like this? I've read many a story of stalking, but never one quite like the situation in which I find myself.
                  Not like that exactly. I was living with a man who moved me from Rochester NY to tidewater Virginia, isolating me from any friends and family I had. Ended up abusive, I got a depressed skull fracture from him the day I told him I was leaving [it had taken me 3 months of stealing money from the household budget to scrounge enough to pay for a place] with a weeks vacation in a coma ... the 3 years after that he stalked me. I was living with a Seal when he got really physically threatening, I was at work when he kept coming into the office to see if I was there, he 'wanted to meet me for lunch' so I called Don and he, his battlebuddy and 4 more seals showed up and beat the snot out of him - he backed off after that. Occasional drive bys and phone calls which I ignored. When Rob and I moved to CT, he would call a couple times a week and maybe a couple times a year he would show up and follow me around for a weekend. He finally died so I am rid of him. Doesn't stop me from having occasional nightmares though.
                  EVE Online: 99% of the time you sit around waiting for something to happen, but that 1% of action is what hooks people like crack, you don't get interviewed by the BBC for a WoW raid.

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                  • #39
                    Quoth Eireann View Post
                    Has anyone else ever dealt with something like this? I've read many a story of stalking, but never one quite like the situation in which I find myself.
                    Had a manipulative ex but NOTHING close to what you or AccountingDrone are/were dealing with (he was very passive-aggressive and also a chronic liar). I finally got something that jerked me out of the pointless and not-happy relationship ... ovarian cancer. Once the initial treatment was over, I went back to school. I don't remember exactly what provoked the end of the relationship but we agreed that it wasn't working out and we would split up.

                    Yeah, except then he started calling me. In the mornings. "Just to see how you're doing." I am NOT a morning person and finally lost my temper and told him to knock it off.

                    Then he started calling me for advice about his relationship with his NEW girlfriend ... AND sent me an invite to the wedding! I was seeing a counsellor at the time and she asked me why I thought he'd sent me an invite ... she said in her opinion, he was expecting me to rush in and "rescue" him ....

                    Fat chance. I sent them a lovely card and that was it. If he married the girl he was seeing while he was asking me for advice, I am sorrier for her than I can express, because one of his questions was something along the lines of whether she was "suitable" ... because she had a cleft lip.

                    Seriously, you asshole, if you have to ASK somebody about that, you obviously don't love her and need to go invest in a blowup doll.
                    Customer service: More efficient than a Dementor's kiss
                    ~ Mr Hero

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                    • #40
                      No news. I haven't heard back from the friend who works in law enforcement. I did find Asswipe on LinkedIn, and blocked him there. He's now blocked twice on Facebook, on LinkedIn, and on my email. He damned well better get the hint.

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                      • #41
                        Quoth Eireann View Post
                        No news. I haven't heard back from the friend who works in law enforcement. I did find Asswipe on LinkedIn, and blocked him there. He's now blocked twice on Facebook, on LinkedIn, and on my email. He damned well better get the hint.
                        Did you manage to block him on your professional site?
                        Customer service: More efficient than a Dementor's kiss
                        ~ Mr Hero

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                        • #42
                          Quoth Eireann View Post
                          He damned well better get the hint.
                          Are we taking bets on that?

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                          • #43
                            Quoth Pixelated View Post
                            Did you manage to block him on your professional site?
                            You can't block someone on your professional Facebook page unless the person posts something negative, abusive, inflammatory, etc. He sent me a PM. Facebook needs to get its ass in gear.

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                            • #44
                              Quoth morgana View Post
                              Are we taking bets on that?
                              I wouldn't bet the mortgage money on that.
                              I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my keister!

                              Who is John Galt?
                              -Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

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                              • #45
                                Quoth Eireann View Post
                                You can't block someone on your professional Facebook page unless the person posts something negative, abusive, inflammatory, etc. He sent me a PM. Facebook needs to get its ass in gear.
                                Wow. That is not acceptable. Does a great job of leading right up to the situation you're in.
                                Customer service: More efficient than a Dementor's kiss
                                ~ Mr Hero

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