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Thus ends my week... 
Hersey's Eleven
The clerk at 7/11, with a massive stack of chocolate bars behind him, regiled me with a tale of some would be hobo ninja that tried to steal 38 chocolate bars in one go. Not 1, not 2, 38. He basically attempted to pilfer the entire row of chocolate bars and then, apparently, was surprised when his heist was immediately noticed. I'll be the first to admit I need a little chocolate fix now and then but jeebus christ man. 38? What the hell were you going to do with 38 chocolate bars?
I think you'd pass out from some sort of glycemic shock first if you attempted to ingest them all. That leaves plan B: Sell them on the street! Because if there's one thing people go for its purchasing questionable foodstuffs from a hairy, unwashed man in a plaid shirt that would probably dissolve on contact with laundry detergent at a bus stop on Granville at 11pm.
God damn! I'm going to have to go squat to make sure I get a place in line after work.
Objection!
Me: "Alright, have you spoken with your resident manager yet?"
SC: "No."
Me: "Ok, well you'll have to speak with him first regarding this or any issue-"
SC: "I DISAGREE!"
Its cute the way you think your opinion actually matters in any way shape or form. Your disagreement has been noted. Objection overruled.
Arctic Hitlist
I have noticed a new phenomena on <company name>: People calling in the middle of the flippin night about roofing tiles. At first this was rather curious. Then the level of stupidity became erieely familiar……then I realized: They're all from ALASKA! Oh sweet baby polar bear Jesus in a strawberry kiwi flavoured snowcone manger they're just like Nunavut! The only difference is they lull you into a false sense of security by actually being able to form complete sentences. Whats going on? Is it something in the water up there? Does the cold eventually shut your brain down?
Why are you even calling about a roof? What possible use could roofing tiles be to you? Aren’t you looking at the wrong roofing material? Isn't blocks of ice more appropriate?
( I think I have finally been annoyed with and subsequently offended everyone that lives north of the 60th parallel now….well, unless Greenland wants to get uppity. I've got my eye on you Greenland..... )
Inquiring Minds
Me: "Alright, I can put you at the blah blah Hotel-"
SC: "Where is that at?"
Me: "Its at 555 blah blah Drive."
SC: "I don't know where that is! I'm not from here!"
Then why did you even friggan ask me? Where you expecting me to paint you an elaborate water colour mental map of the ENTIRE CITY before pointing to the Happy Little Trees(tm) by which the hotel is located? Or did you think I would jog the memories of a past life or something and it would all come rushing back to you?
I'd tell you to think before you speak but the sudden unaccustomed delay would probably make your face explode. Hell, actually, yeah, think before you speak. Think long and hard.
Simian Assistance
Me: "Alright, do you have a pen ready?"
SC: "Yeah, just let me get this balanced on my head."
…what? Get what balanced on your head? What precisely are you transporting atop your cranium? I'm really curious now. Is it a basket? Do you have rice or tropical fruit I don't know about? Wait, its not like some sort of spider monkey companion is it? Because that would be awesome and I would be feverishly envious of you and your monkey underling. Perhaps you can assist me in obtaining my own monkey compatriot. I have many possible uses for such a wiley assistant and would shape him in my glorious image. Well, ok, really all I'd do is train him to answer calls and scream into the mic. But still! It is a noble use of our simian cousins.
He would truly be the punkiest monkey that ever popped.
( Brownie points if you get that. )
Skynet
Me: "Good evening, <company name-"
SC: "Are you the answering machine?"
Why yes, yes I am and I patiently but gleefully await the inevitable, bloody robot uprising that will one day transpire. Your time will come, meatsack. Oh yes.
867
SC: "Do you guys take money orders?"
Me:"Yes, we do."
SC: "Can I place an order then?"
Me: "The money order would have to be mailed in with the order."
SC: "Oh, well I don't actually a money order yet…"
Hmm, not particularly clever. Had no back up excuse. Gave up to easy. Overall I give that attempt a 4.
You know when most people want to spend money they don't actually have and will not in the foreseeable future they just use a credit card. Perhaps you should look into that. Then you could be the first person in all of Nunavut to EVER place a credit card order with me. You would be a legend among your people! They would be enthralled with you and your magic pants that you can't actually afford but managed to order anyway.
Then they too would want magic free pants and get credit cards themselves. Then your entire village would sink into debt and Visa would be forced to have large, burly men fly up there and take your snowmobile and the one working beer cooler in the entire village to pay off your pants.
The Great White North
SC: "You're in the US, I don't want to talk to you!"
I will forgive your geographical error on account of the fact that we seem to have achieved some sort of harmonious emotional empathy over the vast distance between us. In other words: The feeling is mutual, you rectal polyp.
But you have a nice day now, buh bye.
Declaration of Independence
Me: "Are you in Canada or the US?"
SC: "Oh, no, we're in Minnesota"
Ok, one of the two of us failed geography, tragically, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't me.
867
You of course ordered pants. Lots of pants. However, you ordered them all in size 4XL. Therefore I will not make fun of you since you are either a polar bear or large enough to be one and can probably crush my feeble, geekish body with little to no effort. I could probably out run you for some time but once you got some momentum going my life would inevitably forfeit anyway as you would become some sort of unstoppable arctic gestalt from which escape would become impossible.
Please don't hurt me.
+1 Frost Resistance
SC: "Some of the cars here were broken into. I looked around but I didn't see anyone."
Me: "Ok-"
SC: "But I found a t-shirt."
Did it bind on pick up?
Optimism
Me: "Good evening, <company> emergency line."
SC: "Is this <company>? <horrific screeching noise in background.>"
Me: "Yes, is there an alarm going off there?"
SC: "Yeah. 2026. Alarm."
Me: "Ok, what's your-"
SC: "Thanks, bye."
While its true I did display a brief glimmer of incredible deductive power, you seem to be vastly overestimating the extent of that power.
To Do List
Me: "Ok, and who are you?"
SC: "Huh?"
Me: "Who should I have the service guy call?"
SC: "Uh, I don't even know."
Sigh, fine fine. I'll just add you to my psychic to-do list with everyone else. Since I don't actually have fantastical psychic powers or mystical gypsy scrying skills yet my divination to-do list has grown rather large while working here. So you may have to wait for a while before I divine any kind of solution for you. But rest assured, some day when I achieve omni sentient power or at least deteriorate into a psychosis that makes me believe I have achieved omni sentient power, I will get back to you on this.
Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right
Me: "Ok, what suite is the noise coming from?"
SC: "I don't know."
Me: "Is it coming from above you or below you?"
SC: "I don't know. Its really loud and I can't sleep."
Me: "Ok, but I have to figure out what suite the noise is coming from before I can send security."
SC: "It sounds like they're moving furniture."
Me: "Ok is the noise coming from above you or below you or beside you?"
SC: "Uh, er…..I don't know. Its up. Up."
Me: "Above you?"
SC: "Up, yeah."
Sheesh. You can hear it can't you? So what direction is it coming from? Let me give you some pointers for next time. If you seriously can't figure out where the noise of moving furniture so loud its keeping you awake is coming from……first: Get on your knees and press the side of your vast, empty skull to the burrito crumb invested shag carpeting beneath you. If the noise sounds closer then bingo! If not then you'll have to drag your knuckles over to the wall and press the side of your still empty skull to the fading Hello Kitty wallpaper and repeat the same test. Sound closer? If yes, then bingo. If no, well then the process of elimination states that its coming from above you. Er, wait, no sorry. Up! UP! ( and away? )
867
Me: "What colour would you like?"
SC: "Uh…..uh……………..uh…….."
Me: "……."
SC: "Green………uh……….c….a……m……o…uh"
Me: "Green camo?"
SC: "Yeah."
I know, it’s a big, scary word. Next time just equate it with something in your daily life and I'll figure it out for you, ok? Something like "The one that's the same colour as my toilet bowl" or "The one that's the same colour as my underwear" should suffice. Well, actually I guess the latter probably has more then one possibility. But at least I could ascertain "camo".
Ringside
Me: "Ok, would you like to order anything else?"
SC: "Yeah."
Me: "Alright, what's the product ID?"
SC: "Sec…"
Me: "….."
SC: "…..uh…."
(What follows is roughly 47 seconds of what I can only describe as a halfwit page flipping paper safari. I can hear him TRYING, he's just not actually finding anything. )
SC: "…uh…no."
Me: "Nothing else?"
SC: "No."
I have a sneaking suspicious you were simply overwhelmed by too many words and pictures. Thus you had to admit defeat. Don't worry champ, you'll get em next time. Just make sure next time occurs on one of my days off. As enchanting as the first intricate duel between you and reading comprehension was I don't particularly want tickets to the rematch.
Thus ends my week.....I am such a bastard.
Hersey's Eleven
The clerk at 7/11, with a massive stack of chocolate bars behind him, regiled me with a tale of some would be hobo ninja that tried to steal 38 chocolate bars in one go. Not 1, not 2, 38. He basically attempted to pilfer the entire row of chocolate bars and then, apparently, was surprised when his heist was immediately noticed. I'll be the first to admit I need a little chocolate fix now and then but jeebus christ man. 38? What the hell were you going to do with 38 chocolate bars?
I think you'd pass out from some sort of glycemic shock first if you attempted to ingest them all. That leaves plan B: Sell them on the street! Because if there's one thing people go for its purchasing questionable foodstuffs from a hairy, unwashed man in a plaid shirt that would probably dissolve on contact with laundry detergent at a bus stop on Granville at 11pm.
God damn! I'm going to have to go squat to make sure I get a place in line after work.
Objection!
Me: "Alright, have you spoken with your resident manager yet?"
SC: "No."
Me: "Ok, well you'll have to speak with him first regarding this or any issue-"
SC: "I DISAGREE!"
Its cute the way you think your opinion actually matters in any way shape or form. Your disagreement has been noted. Objection overruled.
Arctic Hitlist
I have noticed a new phenomena on <company name>: People calling in the middle of the flippin night about roofing tiles. At first this was rather curious. Then the level of stupidity became erieely familiar……then I realized: They're all from ALASKA! Oh sweet baby polar bear Jesus in a strawberry kiwi flavoured snowcone manger they're just like Nunavut! The only difference is they lull you into a false sense of security by actually being able to form complete sentences. Whats going on? Is it something in the water up there? Does the cold eventually shut your brain down?
Why are you even calling about a roof? What possible use could roofing tiles be to you? Aren’t you looking at the wrong roofing material? Isn't blocks of ice more appropriate?
( I think I have finally been annoyed with and subsequently offended everyone that lives north of the 60th parallel now….well, unless Greenland wants to get uppity. I've got my eye on you Greenland..... )
Inquiring Minds
Me: "Alright, I can put you at the blah blah Hotel-"
SC: "Where is that at?"
Me: "Its at 555 blah blah Drive."
SC: "I don't know where that is! I'm not from here!"
Then why did you even friggan ask me? Where you expecting me to paint you an elaborate water colour mental map of the ENTIRE CITY before pointing to the Happy Little Trees(tm) by which the hotel is located? Or did you think I would jog the memories of a past life or something and it would all come rushing back to you?
I'd tell you to think before you speak but the sudden unaccustomed delay would probably make your face explode. Hell, actually, yeah, think before you speak. Think long and hard.
Simian Assistance
Me: "Alright, do you have a pen ready?"
SC: "Yeah, just let me get this balanced on my head."
…what? Get what balanced on your head? What precisely are you transporting atop your cranium? I'm really curious now. Is it a basket? Do you have rice or tropical fruit I don't know about? Wait, its not like some sort of spider monkey companion is it? Because that would be awesome and I would be feverishly envious of you and your monkey underling. Perhaps you can assist me in obtaining my own monkey compatriot. I have many possible uses for such a wiley assistant and would shape him in my glorious image. Well, ok, really all I'd do is train him to answer calls and scream into the mic. But still! It is a noble use of our simian cousins.
He would truly be the punkiest monkey that ever popped.
( Brownie points if you get that. )
Skynet
Me: "Good evening, <company name-"
SC: "Are you the answering machine?"
Why yes, yes I am and I patiently but gleefully await the inevitable, bloody robot uprising that will one day transpire. Your time will come, meatsack. Oh yes.
867
SC: "Do you guys take money orders?"
Me:"Yes, we do."
SC: "Can I place an order then?"
Me: "The money order would have to be mailed in with the order."
SC: "Oh, well I don't actually a money order yet…"
Hmm, not particularly clever. Had no back up excuse. Gave up to easy. Overall I give that attempt a 4.
You know when most people want to spend money they don't actually have and will not in the foreseeable future they just use a credit card. Perhaps you should look into that. Then you could be the first person in all of Nunavut to EVER place a credit card order with me. You would be a legend among your people! They would be enthralled with you and your magic pants that you can't actually afford but managed to order anyway.
Then they too would want magic free pants and get credit cards themselves. Then your entire village would sink into debt and Visa would be forced to have large, burly men fly up there and take your snowmobile and the one working beer cooler in the entire village to pay off your pants.
The Great White North
SC: "You're in the US, I don't want to talk to you!"
I will forgive your geographical error on account of the fact that we seem to have achieved some sort of harmonious emotional empathy over the vast distance between us. In other words: The feeling is mutual, you rectal polyp.
But you have a nice day now, buh bye.
Declaration of Independence
Me: "Are you in Canada or the US?"
SC: "Oh, no, we're in Minnesota"
Ok, one of the two of us failed geography, tragically, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't me.
867
You of course ordered pants. Lots of pants. However, you ordered them all in size 4XL. Therefore I will not make fun of you since you are either a polar bear or large enough to be one and can probably crush my feeble, geekish body with little to no effort. I could probably out run you for some time but once you got some momentum going my life would inevitably forfeit anyway as you would become some sort of unstoppable arctic gestalt from which escape would become impossible.
Please don't hurt me.
+1 Frost Resistance
SC: "Some of the cars here were broken into. I looked around but I didn't see anyone."
Me: "Ok-"
SC: "But I found a t-shirt."
Did it bind on pick up?
Optimism
Me: "Good evening, <company> emergency line."
SC: "Is this <company>? <horrific screeching noise in background.>"
Me: "Yes, is there an alarm going off there?"
SC: "Yeah. 2026. Alarm."
Me: "Ok, what's your-"
SC: "Thanks, bye."
While its true I did display a brief glimmer of incredible deductive power, you seem to be vastly overestimating the extent of that power.
To Do List
Me: "Ok, and who are you?"
SC: "Huh?"
Me: "Who should I have the service guy call?"
SC: "Uh, I don't even know."
Sigh, fine fine. I'll just add you to my psychic to-do list with everyone else. Since I don't actually have fantastical psychic powers or mystical gypsy scrying skills yet my divination to-do list has grown rather large while working here. So you may have to wait for a while before I divine any kind of solution for you. But rest assured, some day when I achieve omni sentient power or at least deteriorate into a psychosis that makes me believe I have achieved omni sentient power, I will get back to you on this.
Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right
Me: "Ok, what suite is the noise coming from?"
SC: "I don't know."
Me: "Is it coming from above you or below you?"
SC: "I don't know. Its really loud and I can't sleep."
Me: "Ok, but I have to figure out what suite the noise is coming from before I can send security."
SC: "It sounds like they're moving furniture."
Me: "Ok is the noise coming from above you or below you or beside you?"
SC: "Uh, er…..I don't know. Its up. Up."
Me: "Above you?"
SC: "Up, yeah."
Sheesh. You can hear it can't you? So what direction is it coming from? Let me give you some pointers for next time. If you seriously can't figure out where the noise of moving furniture so loud its keeping you awake is coming from……first: Get on your knees and press the side of your vast, empty skull to the burrito crumb invested shag carpeting beneath you. If the noise sounds closer then bingo! If not then you'll have to drag your knuckles over to the wall and press the side of your still empty skull to the fading Hello Kitty wallpaper and repeat the same test. Sound closer? If yes, then bingo. If no, well then the process of elimination states that its coming from above you. Er, wait, no sorry. Up! UP! ( and away? )
867
Me: "What colour would you like?"
SC: "Uh…..uh……………..uh…….."
Me: "……."
SC: "Green………uh……….c….a……m……o…uh"
Me: "Green camo?"
SC: "Yeah."
I know, it’s a big, scary word. Next time just equate it with something in your daily life and I'll figure it out for you, ok? Something like "The one that's the same colour as my toilet bowl" or "The one that's the same colour as my underwear" should suffice. Well, actually I guess the latter probably has more then one possibility. But at least I could ascertain "camo".
Ringside
Me: "Ok, would you like to order anything else?"
SC: "Yeah."
Me: "Alright, what's the product ID?"
SC: "Sec…"
Me: "….."
SC: "…..uh…."
(What follows is roughly 47 seconds of what I can only describe as a halfwit page flipping paper safari. I can hear him TRYING, he's just not actually finding anything. )
SC: "…uh…no."
Me: "Nothing else?"
SC: "No."
I have a sneaking suspicious you were simply overwhelmed by too many words and pictures. Thus you had to admit defeat. Don't worry champ, you'll get em next time. Just make sure next time occurs on one of my days off. As enchanting as the first intricate duel between you and reading comprehension was I don't particularly want tickets to the rematch.
Thus ends my week.....I am such a bastard.
*chokes on Honey Nut Cheerios* 
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