Operation Chili

[Food Lady]

Instead of honey, how about honey ale? I thought of whiskey, but I think you've done that before.

[georgie]

sorry i cant be of any help Jester. im not a chilli eater. even the mildest of the mild makes me want to rip my tongue out and stick it in the freezer

wish i could eat it tho because it always smells delicious

im posting tho coz my favourite joke of ALL time is the chilli competition joke and your OP Jester reminded me of it

i'll post it below but if anyone is offended or it shouldnt be here at all mods then thats fine to delete it (sorry in advance in that case)



*********

chilli cook off


If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running
down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chilli Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who
was visiting Texas from the East Coast:


Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."


Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chilli # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli)

Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy chit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)

Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.




Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)

Judge # 1 Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer!



Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)

Judge # 1 Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?



Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)

Judge # 1 Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.



Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)

Judge # 1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my azz with a snow cone.




Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)

Judge # 1 A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli)

Judge # 1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too Bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.


Judge # 2 This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, he fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?

[Barracuda]

Another option would be to remove the seeds from the tomatoes and then use what's left. I know most of the acidity in peppers is concentrated in the seeds, are tomatoes the same way? Also curry is always awesome for adding interesting flavor. Yellow or red would be delicious as well as hot, although I wouldn't add a lot--the flavor can be overpowering. If you are doing a chili with beans, consider using pinto or black beans instead of the traditional kidney, and maybe throw in some mole sauce for flavor--someone suggested chocolate, mole has that in it. You could also maybe fire roast some bell peppers or use chipotle peppers. Hmm, what else? Cumin is delicious, and as weird as it sounds, a soup chef who runs an all soup restaurant near where I live told me cinnamon can be good in a chili in limited amounts. Hope that helps!

[Barracuda]

I also know you can buy "skins" of pork fat for frying or grilling meat in to keep it moist. If you want a different meat but miss the pork fat, you could get one of those and melt it down in the pot with the chili.

[Jester]

Clover honey is the best known...

But that doesn't necessarily mean it's the best known for chili.

im posting tho coz my favourite joke of ALL time is the chilli competition joke and your OP Jester reminded me of it

i'll post it below but if anyone is offended or it shouldnt be here at all mods then thats fine to delete it (sorry in advance in that case)

Not only am I not offended, but I found it hilarious! And very accurate in terms of describing how much different people's palates differ.

Also reminds me of the best reaction I got to my Devil's Ass chili, which, unlike my regular chili, which has good kick, was designed specifically to be ridiculously hot. After tasting it for the first time, an older gentleman walked up to me and very politely said, "Pardon me, sir, but with all due respect...fuck you."

It really is a satisfying feeling to know that something you have created has achieved its desired end result. [/QUOTE]

Another option would be to remove the seeds from the tomatoes and then use what's left. I know most of the acidity in peppers is concentrated in the seeds, are tomatoes the same way?

Actually, it's the spice of the peppers that is concentrated in the seeds, not the acidity. I do not believe that the tomato's acidity is related to the presence or absence of seeds in any way.

If you are doing a chili with beans, consider using pinto or black beans instead of the traditional kidney...

I no longer use beans in my chili. While I do like chili with beans, I think I've stated before that my chili is better without beans. When I did use beans, though, I preferred a nice combination of black beans and pink beans, both of which reminded me of my stays in Mexico, and the lovely beans they have down there. (Real refried beans do not resemble that brown dreck we usually see here in the U.S., but are a lovely light, fluffy, pink dish sprinkled with cotija cheese, and are simply delightful.)

You could also maybe fire roast some bell peppers or use chipotle peppers. Hmm, what else? Cumin is delicious

I use both cumin and chipotles, and while I don't fire roast them, I also use red bell peppers.

I also know you can buy "skins" of pork fat for frying or grilling meat in to keep it moist. If you want a different meat but miss the pork fat, you could get one of those and melt it down in the pot with the chili.

Interesting idea. Something I am going to definitely file in the mental rolodex, and I will be seeing if such things are available locally as I do my shopping tomorrow for the chili.

[georgie]

glad you like it :-)

first time i read it i laughed so much i was crying

Also reminds me of the best reaction I got to my Devil's Ass chili, which, unlike my regular chili, which has good kick, was designed specifically to be ridiculously hot. After tasting it for the first time, an older gentleman walked up to me and very politely said, "Pardon me, sir, but with all due respect...fuck you."

love that !!!!

[thansal]

My only mention would be on the beer department.

Any thoughts on using a Japanese Lager (my mind automatically goes to Sapporo)? Personally I think they have a bit more malt to them, and over all more flavor than Corona does, but with the same drinkability (Japanese Lagers are the only beer that I will end up drinking way to damn much of...)

Any way, good luck!

[the_std]

Also, Jester, it's entirely possible to buy sun-dried tomatoes - your trepidation seems to be centered around sun-drying them yourself, and as you may suspect, up here in the frozen tundra, the sun only shines for five minutes a day and that is not nearly enough to properly sun-dry tomatoes. And yet, if you ever partake of my delicious sampling, sun-dried tomatoes feature very well in the appropriate dishes. How do I reach that level of culinary success when I am lost in an environment suitable only for sno-cones? Prepackaged deliciousness! Give it a try and see how much you love it.

[dalesys]

sorry i cant be of any help Jester. im not a chilli eater. even the mildest of the mild makes me want to rip my tongue out and stick it in the freezer

Jester could make an all bell pepper chili...

Countdown to screams... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Call it "Wun Ringy-Dingy Chili".

[Scorpodael]

Hmm. From what I recall, honey tends to take on the flavor of the fruit that the flower the nectar was harvested from. ... I wonder what a honey from bees kept exclusively around jalapeno or chipotle blossoms would end up tasting like.

[Jester]

Any thoughts on using a Japanese Lager (my mind automatically goes to Sapporo)?

Honestly? None. (Well, I AM going to be honest.)

While I will consider some other beers while I am out grocery shopping today (something I meant to do hours ago, but have just been chilling all day so far), the Asian beers are not really something I think would work with my chili. I could be wrong, of course, but that's half the fun of this whole game....figuring out what will and won't work.

That being said, if you do ever make chili with Sapporo (or any other Asian beer), please, let me know how it turned out. I'd be very interested. (Seriously. I am one of those odd folks that never tire of cooking stories.)

Also, Jester, it's entirely possible to buy sun-dried tomatoes - your trepidation seems to be centered around sun-drying them yourself....

Of course I am aware of prepackaged sun-dried tomatoes. You know me, std, and you know I am not completely clueless about the world. (Just partly clueless.) I expressed trepidation about sun-drying tomatoes myself because that is what was suggested by the person making the suggestion. I have had prepackaged sun-dried tomatoes and generally love them, and have given some thought to using them in my chili. I just have neither the time nor the inclination, this time around, to actually dry them myself.

Jester could make an all bell pepper chili...

Countdown to screams... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

Call it "Wun Ringy-Dingy Chili".

You DO realize that I have in my possession not only many sharp knives, but also a lovely dagger and a vicious sword, right?

[Jester]

Strawberry chili?

I forgot about this when I first read this comment, but reading back over the thread today, I recalled that a while back (several years), at a salsa cookoff, one of the many salsas I made (hey, I'm the token Southwesterner here in the tropics, okay?), I made a strawberry chili that was very well received. Actually, it took second place.

[dalesys]

Call it "Wun Ringy-Dingy Chili".

You DO realize that I have in my possession not only many sharp knives, but also a lovely dagger and a vicious sword, right?

We know you're no Lily...

[BroSCFischer]

chilli cook off

This is actually a take off of a W. Bruce Cameron E-Column (a copy of it is here). He is also known for "8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter."

SC

[Jester]

So I had a brilliant plan for approaching my chili this weekend. Saturday (yesterday) I would do all the shopping and much of the prep, and Sunday (today) I would do all the actual cooking, making the whole thing much easier and streamlined.

That WAS the plan.

Of course, my amazing ability to procrastinate kept me from even leaving the house to go shopping until NINE PM, so I couldn't even get the meat, as the butcher was already closed. So now today, I have to finish shopping, and since I didn't bother doing any prep yesterday, I get to do EVERYTHING today.

And of course it is already noon and I still haven't gotten up off my ass. And yet I wonder why it always takes me so long to do this.

And to add to everything, I am making a DOUBLE batch of chili, so prep should take twice as long. And I'm already the slowest prep cook I know.

Yay me. I suck.

Okay, time to get dressed and get the last few things for the chili.