Didn't think I'd have to worry about this for at least another five years or so...

[RecoveringKinkoid]

So my daughter is in kindergarten. And she's learning about "sucky people" already.

Long story short, she has this friend who she likes a whole lot better than the "friend" likes her. This kid is kind of one of "those types of girls." You know. Probably gonna grow up to be a Mean Girl. "If you don't do this, you aren't my friend" and "You can't be friends with that person", etc.

Kindergarten.

I really do not know why this child has such a hold over my daughter. My daughter has a bit of a girl crush on her. So one day my kid comes home devastated because this kid told her they were no longer friends. And this was my daughter's intro to "Nasty Schoolgirl Politics 101." She spent the night crying.

So we just had a conversion about how some kids are. About all you can really do.

So of course, they're SIX, so they made up and it happened again this week. Except this time, my kid has a better perspective on it. My kid caught her "friend" stealing, called her on it, and got the "you're not my friend" treatment.

So my kid was like "okay. Fine."

That was early in the week and my kid is holding her to that. The girl says "are we friends?" and my daughter says "No. You said we are not."

So here's my thing: This kid needs to learn how to treat people. My kid needs to learn to stand up for herself. And clearly, this kid is a bad influence. So this is good. However, they're six years old and I don't want my kid to fail to grasp the difference between "being mean" and "being firm." Does that make sense? Maybe I'm not giving my kid enough credit for understanding the difference in motive. Maybe a crying six year old just pushes my protective mom buttons, whether it's my own kid or the emotional bully doing the crying. I don't know.

So I had a conversation about it this morning with her about it. On one had, I am proud of my kid for sticking up for herself. On the other, I am unsettled. I don't like the whole "girl politics" thing and I am not comfortable with it.

Maybe I'm worrying too much about it.

[flybye023]

I think you're right that this little "friend" is not someone you want you daughter to be around. Going forward I would keep an eye on new friendships she forms and see if she is being mean vs standing up for herself and addressing it as needed.

If she is otherwise a compassionate person, keep encouraging those sentiments. Truly nice girls don't act mean without a reason because they understand that it might hurt someone and they don't like doing that.

Good luck

[Dips]

Oh, geeze. I know. Seeing your kid cry over someone like that is just...ugh. It's horrible.

I was really shocked when my daughter came home from first grade and this kind of crap had started already.

[Talon]

However, they're six years old and I don't want my kid to fail to grasp the difference between "being mean" and "being firm." Does that make sense?

Seems to me that most adults have a hard time figuring that one out.

That said, re-read this:

My kid caught her "friend" stealing, called her on it, and got the "you're not my friend" treatment.

So my kid was like "okay. Fine."

That was early in the week and my kid is holding her to that. The girl says "are we friends?" and my daughter says "No. You said we are not."

Doesn't sound mean to me. She didn't spend another night crying did she?

Sounds to me like she's already figuring it out. Perhaps she can explain it to the rest of us adults?

[AnaKhouri]

It sounds to me like your kid is doing just fine. And it seems Mean Girl is learning that saying nasty things like "You're not my friend" has consequences. She thought she could say whatever she wanted and your daughter would crawl back to her whenever Mean Girl feels like being friends again, and that's not happening. So hopefully Mean Girl is learning a lesson from this.

I hear boys are easier. God, I hope so. I have never been very good at being a girl so I don't think I could help with all the drama they seem to attract.

[Micer]

Ugh, I can echo on that girl politics, very much glad I had a boy. But my niece (9 years old) went through that with a neighbor's little girl, also 9, would always drive me nuts when I heard she would come home crying because the girl would pull that 'I won't be your friend anymore because of x, y, and z' mostly if niece wouldn't go along with this girl being an utter bossy pain, it'd be no more friend time.

That and when she would come to play with niece, she would apparently try breaking nieces toys, again the bossiness, mainly in doing things that kiddo knew would get her into trouble with grandma, and the 'not friend' bit. And telling this little girl to stop it was always met with that bratty 'I know you're telling me to do something, but I'm going to ignore it because you can't tell me what to do' expression. Was so glad when SIL moved them away from that neighborhood.

Though I did get to meet her once while the niece was out with us checking out furniture, she left her mother, latched onto the kiddo and started with the 'hey lets make a huge mess in this thrift store because it'll be fun' Only took three or so firm, 'Go back to your mother. Eden can't play. Go.' from me before it was cat butt face and her turning on the water works and air raid siren to go running back to her mommy (on the other side of the store) to tell her about the Mean Old Micer.

[Seraph]

Blaaaagh. Yeah some kid did that to my daughter, and she picked up on it. <facepalm> I've caught her several times this month telling her sister "well then you're not my friend". Talked to her, and apparently a girl in her class is saying this to her anytime she is displeased. Trying to teach her how its not right is just.... strenuous. :P She's in the serious copycat stage, so I'm just going to have to keep reinforcing it.

[Mishi]

I have never been very good at being a girl so I don't think I could help with all the drama they seem to attract.

QFT! Of course, we ended up with two girls.

@Kink, your munchkin is doing the right thing. You're giving her the tools to be able to deal with peer pressure early, and it should make life a little easier for her. Keep talking about everything and she'll be fine.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Thanks, all. I was never all that good at being a girl, either. My cousins and sister hashed things out like boys, mostly. In many cases, by duking it out.

I have an update today. The kid came up and was all like "I've been trying to be your friend."

And the Kinklet countered with "Well, I've been trying to HELP YOU."

So there was some back and forth, with some other kids trying to play mediator, and finally the Kinklet asks her if she's going to stop being mean and stop trying to steal stuff. The kid says she will do better and my daughter told her that in that case, they could be friends. So she gave another chance and the two of them are trying to get along better now. And Kinklet is, at the time, not at the mercy of an emotional bully.

Hopefully, they both learned something. I thought that was a pretty good resolution. I'm pretty proud of my kid for not letting it turn into a case where she was just being mean to this kid to get even. Because she was pretty angry and I was afraid it might go that way.

The kid even gave the stuff back to the girl she stole it from. So, it would appear to have worked out well. Good on all of them for their mature conflict resolution.

[Mishi]

That's amazing! *High fives Kink + Kinklet* You're doing a great job, Kinklet is going to turn out to be a wonderful adult and I'm glad that the other little girl is learning to behave better.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Thanks. She's a very compassionate sort of kid. I realized it was very out of character for her to be so stern with this girl. And I was almost afraid that she'd like the sense of power that can give some people.

I should have really given her more credit than that. This is the same kid that decided she was going to befriend the biggest, angriest, most troubled girl in her class because she had determined that the girl was "very angry and sad and needed someone to be nice to her."

My child is better than I am. I should not view her through the lens of my own cynicism.

Kink learns a lesson as well.

[MoonCat]

You have one very smart kid there! She stood up to a kid who was learning to be manipulative and shut down her little game. I only wish I had been that good at figuring out how to deal with bullies and other problem kids at six years old. Be proud!

[Food Lady]

All I know is that I'm soooooo proud of your kid for recognizing wrong (stealing) and standing up for what's right, at six. And then she very matter-of-factly reminded the "friend" that she had ended it. Your daughter did not give in to the passive-aggressive junk. Your daughter is awesome.

[BroSCFischer]

Gotta say that my one sister has gone through that kind of thing her whole life. She has moments of assertiveness, often after she has been pushed to the brink, but she continues to fall into the spiral.

To me, it sounds like your daughter not only learned a valuable lesson, but is actually handling the situation very well.

SC

[SongsOfDragons]

And the Kinklet

A small, squee-filled aside...I love all the username-based nicknames this site has developed for their kiddywinkles. So cuuute ^^