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  #31  
Old 12-24-2008, 04:32 AM
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Quote:
Quoth Dips View Post
On the same note...

Q: How long does it take to tune a banjo?

A: Nobody knows.
Along the same lines...

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?

No one cries when someone cuts up a banjo.
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  #32  
Old 12-31-2008, 07:30 AM
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How many flutes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. And 6 to talk behind her back about how they could do it better.

  #33  
Old 01-01-2009, 12:00 AM
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Tuba and sousaphone players are not allowed in the Navy.
Loose lips...



Then there was the fellow on vacation in San Francisco who found a giant stuffed rat in a pawn shop (I think it was the Shottle Boppe) and thought 'Far out, man, this'll blow all my NY cats minds sitting on the mantel.'

So he bought it, left the shop, and rats started following him: vomiting from the alleys, boiling up from the sewers, abseiling from the roofs.

Panic stricken, he runs to the end of Fisherman's Wharf and tosses the giant rat in. All the SF rats dive after, and swim out on the ebb tide.

Guy wipes his brow, stops shaking... and runs back to the pawn shop.

Hey!!! Got any banjos?
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  #34  
Old 01-01-2009, 01:26 AM
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Oh, God, stop. Stop! You're killing me! I'm getting that cramp I get in my ribs.

Q.What's perfect pitch?
A. That's when you get the dumbek in without it touching the sides of the dumpster.


Q. What's the difference between a roadkilled bodhran player and a roadkilled skunk dead in the road?
A. The skunk has skid marks in front of it.
Q. Which one is the bigger tragedy?
A. The skunk. It may have been on it's way to a gig.

Fellow walks into a pub in Belfast with a plastic bag under his arms.
The bartender asks "What's that?"
"Six pounds of semtex", he answers.
"Thanks be to Jaysus; I thought it was a bodhrán!"


Then there was the bodhran player who remembered that he had left his bodhrán in his unlocked car. Rushing back, he opened his car door to find two more bodhráns in the back seat.

(Just FYI, I play the bodhran. )

Q. What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
A. Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet.

  #35  
Old 01-02-2009, 03:55 PM
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What's the differnce between a doberman and a soprano?

The doberman stops howling if you feed it.

Debi Smith, bodhran player, former Hag, former Sister, current Babe.
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  #36  
Old 02-18-2009, 09:36 AM
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I can play the Minute Waltz in 56 seconds flat. 60 seconds in tune.

  #37  
Old 03-25-2009, 08:14 AM
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Q:What do you do when a drummer is knocking at your front door??

A: Give him the money and take the pizza

Q: What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfreind

A: Homeless

Q: How is a singer like a late party guest at your front door??

A: Neither one can come in on time.

Q: What do you call people that hang around with musicians all the time?

A: Drummers

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and his bandmates?

A: The drummer gets to work only with musicians.

What happened when the guitarist locked his keys in his car???

It took him 2 hours to get the drummer out



Once we got a bass player so bad...the rest of the section noticed.

Q/ How can you tell if there's a singer at your door?

A/ He's an hour late and he can't find the key.


--

Q: How can you tell if a singer is singing off key?

A: His lips are moving.

The bass player and drummer from a local band were tragically killed in
an accident on the way home from a gig. Due to the lives these guys had
lead they were both sent to that place "downstairs".

The bass player had arrived in hell sometime after the drummer and was
being prodded along a burning path by a demon with a pitch fork.
Suddenly the bass player spots the drummer, he is sitting on a couch
with a beautiful naked girl in his lap kissing him passionately.

The bass player says "what the hell is going on over there" to the demon
with the fork. The demon just says "Shut up, who are you to question
that girls punishment".

  #38  
Old 03-29-2009, 12:27 AM
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Why do violin players put a cloth between their chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.

Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get in and out of cars.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

What's the definition of an optimist?
A high school chorus teacher with a mortgage.

What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning...."

How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the new bulb and the other to smash the old bulb on his forehead.

How do guitar players get away with parking in handicapped spots?
They put a couple drumsticks on the dash.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven and cook it until it's Bill Withers.

What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet cement?
Not enough cement.

Hey, did you hear about the drummer who graduated from high school?
Me neither.

What do you call ten guys in a drum circle?
A dope ring.
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  #39  
Old 04-05-2009, 08:20 PM
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A drummer walks into a library and says: "Hi, I'll have a burger, fries, and a large Voke." The librarian responds with an angry, "Sshhhh....do you know where you are? This is a library!" The drummer, sheepishly, and in a whisper says: "Sorry... I'll have a burger, fries and a large Coke."


Q - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

A - Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.


Q - Why do drummers have one more brain cell than a horse?

A - So that when marching in a parade, they won't shit on the road.


Q - How can you tell if a drummer has been doing the crossword?

A - All the squares have been coloured in.


Little Johnny: Mommy! I want to be a drummer when I grow up!
Mommy: Now, Johnny. You know you can't do both.


Did you hear about the drummer that lost one of his drum sticks? He fell on his knees, threw his hands up into the air and with tears streaming down his face, shouted; "Thank God, I am a conductor!"
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