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Onward, to Day One~
Never say this. *Ever*
Things not to say to someone if you're white ( Courtesy of the Skytrain ):
"Hi, how are you? Wow! You're *really* brown!"
Ever heard an entire Skytrain full of people instantly stunned into complete silence? I have!
The Parkade
( Approximate time: 11:16pm. Approximate time parkade closes: 7:30pm. )
SC: "My car is stuck in the parkade! It closed at 10pm but I didn't see the sign! Can you let me out!?"
I'm going to try to accurately convey to you how little I care. So here's what I want you to do: Take a deep breath, close your eyes and cover your eyes with your hands. Now, what do you see? Nothing? Bingo.
Again? But that trick never works!
SC: "Yeah, its me again. I called you earlier about my car being stuck?"
Me: "Alright, what can I do for you?"
SC: "Well my car's still stuck and I don't know what to do! I don't have enough bus change and I have people here with me that need to be dropped off at home. We can't get a cab that seats 6 people!"
So naturally I'm the one you turned to for advice? Makes perfect sense. I'm stuck downtown! I don't know what to do! I have a cellphone on my person that is most assuredly full of numbers to people I know who actually care about me and I have 5 of my friends with me. Obviously the guy I should be asking for for help is the total stranger that's completely unrelated to the situation and doesn't even work for the company that manages the parkade! Even though last time I called him he referred me to the company that *does* manage the parkade, clearly he is still the one I should turn to for advice. Friends? Family? Screw em, give me completely apathetic operator xxx! That man knows what to do!
( No I don't know how she can't afford the bus but can afford a cab. I also don't know why she didn't just request a taxi van or two cabs. Also, if the cab can't seat 6, what the hell kind of car does she own that does? )
Geography
Me: "The techs will get to it when they get in at 7am-"
SC: "7am?"
Me: "Yes, 7am pacific time."
SC: "But it’s past 7am here!"
Me: "….yes, but we're on the west coast. So 7am pacific time. In 2 and a half hours."
SC: "I gotta wait 2 hours?!"
Me: "2 and a half hours."
SC: "Gnaaahhhhawra@!"
( That was really the sound he made )
Me: "…."
SC: "West coast, so you guys are in New Jersey?"
Me: "……...what? No"
I failed my Save vs Idiot roll there and was briefly confounded. That statement was so absurd it was actually baffling. The kind of statement your mind processes really fast but then has to back up a moment, review the tape and go "Wait, what?" before all operations grind to a screeching halt. Sort of like your dad talking about kids today with their damn Harry Potter only to suddenly mention offhand that he thinks Ron Weasley is kind of hot.
( On a side note isn't NJ on the east coast? So that's as wrong you can possibly be without actually leaving the country. Bravo. )
When in Vegas
SC: "Does it have a shuttle?"
Me: "No, sorry, I have nothing left with a shuttle this evening."
SC: "……..uh……..er…………."
Me: "…would you like to book a room there?"
SC: "So how do I get there then? Would I have to take a cab or somethin'?"
That would be the implication. You are of course welcome to attempt to walk there, but I'd advise against it. This is Las Vegas afterall and 3am no less. Las Vegas is a dark, dangerous place illuminated only by the light cast from sequines and neon. By the time you make it to the hotel you'll be dressed in nothing but a feather boa and nipple clips with a coat rack between your legs to serve as a horsey as you ride up to the hotel with a casino Bunny Girl riding behind you. You won't remember what her name is or where she came from, but she does have your wallet.
Stupid Human Tricks
Me: "Good evening, <company name>"
SC: "Huaaagghhhhdrasjsjdkh."
Me: "…pardon?"
SC: "<click>"
I too could feliatiate a phone receiver if I was so inclined. However, you seem to have it under control by yourself.
A Series of Unfortunate Events
Me: "<company name>"
SC: "…hello?"
Me: "Hi, can I help you?"
SC: "wrong number, sorry."
10 seconds later
Me: "<company name>"
SC: "…….."
Me: "Hello?"
SC: "wrong number, sorry."
10 seconds later
Me: "<company name>"
SC: "<I know he's there, I can hear him struggling to breath and think at the same time>"
Me: "Hello?.....Hello?"
SC: "<click>"
15 minutes later
Me: "<company name>"
SC: "<The wheel's spinning, but the hamster is having a stroke>"
Me: "Hello?.....Hello?"
SC: "<click>"
2 hours later
Me: "<company name>"
SC: "<He's still there….I can hear him failing at life.>"
Me: "Hello?.....Hello?"
SC: "<click>"
5 seconds later
Me: "<company name>"
SC: "<Again with the breathing>"
Me: "Hello?.....Hello?"
SC: "<click>"
5 seconds later
Me: "<company name>"
SC: "……hi."
Me: "Hi, can I help you?
SC: "Sorry, I keep dialing the wrong number."
Yes, yes you do. It was wrong the first time you called. It was wrong the next *6* times you called it. It will be wrong the next 6 times you call after this. You. Are. Wrong. Give up. Accept the fact you have failed and bury your sorrows and disappoint in yourself in pork like you normally do. Every moment you waste banging your head against the proverbial wall of wrong here by calling me is one more moment away from the glorious bacon fiesta you could be wallowing in.
You like bacon, don't you? Of course you do. You live for bacon. Pork products give your otherwise desolate life meaning. You probably have bacon in your pants as we speak. A fistful of it you bought from 7/11 2 hours ago. You gleefully ripped it from its plastic restraints and shoved a slimy ball of it straight into your under thingies. Heck, you're probably dialing the wrong number because your fingers are coated in rich buttery bacon sweat.
Wash your hands. Try again. Even a blind, 3 legged squirrel with mange and severe head injuries finds an acorn once in a while.
Irrelevant Information
( She's ordering something... )
Me: "Alright, and your postal code?"
SC: "XXX XXX"
Me: "Burnaby?"
SC: "Yes. Do you need the address?"
No, that's ok. I live in Burnaby too! Its not like it’s a huge sprawling growth of humanity or anything. You probably live right down the street from me or something. I'll just take your tickets, grab the neighbour's cat, tape them to his face and let him loose. It'll be just like The Incredible Journey. But without any real set destination and no endearing voice over by Michael J Fox.
Day One: Complete. -.-
Never say this. *Ever*
Things not to say to someone if you're white ( Courtesy of the Skytrain ):
"Hi, how are you? Wow! You're *really* brown!"
Ever heard an entire Skytrain full of people instantly stunned into complete silence? I have!
The Parkade
( Approximate time: 11:16pm. Approximate time parkade closes: 7:30pm. )
SC: "My car is stuck in the parkade! It closed at 10pm but I didn't see the sign! Can you let me out!?"
I'm going to try to accurately convey to you how little I care. So here's what I want you to do: Take a deep breath, close your eyes and cover your eyes with your hands. Now, what do you see? Nothing? Bingo.
Again? But that trick never works!
SC: "Yeah, its me again. I called you earlier about my car being stuck?"
Me: "Alright, what can I do for you?"
SC: "Well my car's still stuck and I don't know what to do! I don't have enough bus change and I have people here with me that need to be dropped off at home. We can't get a cab that seats 6 people!"
So naturally I'm the one you turned to for advice? Makes perfect sense. I'm stuck downtown! I don't know what to do! I have a cellphone on my person that is most assuredly full of numbers to people I know who actually care about me and I have 5 of my friends with me. Obviously the guy I should be asking for for help is the total stranger that's completely unrelated to the situation and doesn't even work for the company that manages the parkade! Even though last time I called him he referred me to the company that *does* manage the parkade, clearly he is still the one I should turn to for advice. Friends? Family? Screw em, give me completely apathetic operator xxx! That man knows what to do!
( No I don't know how she can't afford the bus but can afford a cab. I also don't know why she didn't just request a taxi van or two cabs. Also, if the cab can't seat 6, what the hell kind of car does she own that does? )
Geography
Me: "The techs will get to it when they get in at 7am-"
SC: "7am?"
Me: "Yes, 7am pacific time."
SC: "But it’s past 7am here!"
Me: "….yes, but we're on the west coast. So 7am pacific time. In 2 and a half hours."
SC: "I gotta wait 2 hours?!"
Me: "2 and a half hours."
SC: "Gnaaahhhhawra@!"
( That was really the sound he made )
Me: "…."
SC: "West coast, so you guys are in New Jersey?"
Me: "……...what? No"
I failed my Save vs Idiot roll there and was briefly confounded. That statement was so absurd it was actually baffling. The kind of statement your mind processes really fast but then has to back up a moment, review the tape and go "Wait, what?" before all operations grind to a screeching halt. Sort of like your dad talking about kids today with their damn Harry Potter only to suddenly mention offhand that he thinks Ron Weasley is kind of hot.
( On a side note isn't NJ on the east coast? So that's as wrong you can possibly be without actually leaving the country. Bravo. )
When in Vegas
SC: "Does it have a shuttle?"
Me: "No, sorry, I have nothing left with a shuttle this evening."
SC: "……..uh……..er…………."
Me: "…would you like to book a room there?"
SC: "So how do I get there then? Would I have to take a cab or somethin'?"
That would be the implication. You are of course welcome to attempt to walk there, but I'd advise against it. This is Las Vegas afterall and 3am no less. Las Vegas is a dark, dangerous place illuminated only by the light cast from sequines and neon. By the time you make it to the hotel you'll be dressed in nothing but a feather boa and nipple clips with a coat rack between your legs to serve as a horsey as you ride up to the hotel with a casino Bunny Girl riding behind you. You won't remember what her name is or where she came from, but she does have your wallet.
Stupid Human Tricks
Me: "Good evening, <company name>"
SC: "Huaaagghhhhdrasjsjdkh."
Me: "…pardon?"
SC: "<click>"
I too could feliatiate a phone receiver if I was so inclined. However, you seem to have it under control by yourself.
A Series of Unfortunate Events
Me: "<company name>"
SC: "…hello?"
Me: "Hi, can I help you?"
SC: "wrong number, sorry."
10 seconds later
Me: "<company name>"
SC: "…….."
Me: "Hello?"
SC: "wrong number, sorry."
10 seconds later
Me: "<company name>"
SC: "<I know he's there, I can hear him struggling to breath and think at the same time>"
Me: "Hello?.....Hello?"
SC: "<click>"
15 minutes later
Me: "<company name>"
SC: "<The wheel's spinning, but the hamster is having a stroke>"
Me: "Hello?.....Hello?"
SC: "<click>"
2 hours later
Me: "<company name>"
SC: "<He's still there….I can hear him failing at life.>"
Me: "Hello?.....Hello?"
SC: "<click>"
5 seconds later
Me: "<company name>"
SC: "<Again with the breathing>"
Me: "Hello?.....Hello?"
SC: "<click>"
5 seconds later
Me: "<company name>"
SC: "……hi."
Me: "Hi, can I help you?
SC: "Sorry, I keep dialing the wrong number."
Yes, yes you do. It was wrong the first time you called. It was wrong the next *6* times you called it. It will be wrong the next 6 times you call after this. You. Are. Wrong. Give up. Accept the fact you have failed and bury your sorrows and disappoint in yourself in pork like you normally do. Every moment you waste banging your head against the proverbial wall of wrong here by calling me is one more moment away from the glorious bacon fiesta you could be wallowing in.
You like bacon, don't you? Of course you do. You live for bacon. Pork products give your otherwise desolate life meaning. You probably have bacon in your pants as we speak. A fistful of it you bought from 7/11 2 hours ago. You gleefully ripped it from its plastic restraints and shoved a slimy ball of it straight into your under thingies. Heck, you're probably dialing the wrong number because your fingers are coated in rich buttery bacon sweat.
Wash your hands. Try again. Even a blind, 3 legged squirrel with mange and severe head injuries finds an acorn once in a while.
Irrelevant Information
( She's ordering something... )
Me: "Alright, and your postal code?"
SC: "XXX XXX"
Me: "Burnaby?"
SC: "Yes. Do you need the address?"
No, that's ok. I live in Burnaby too! Its not like it’s a huge sprawling growth of humanity or anything. You probably live right down the street from me or something. I'll just take your tickets, grab the neighbour's cat, tape them to his face and let him loose. It'll be just like The Incredible Journey. But without any real set destination and no endearing voice over by Michael J Fox.
Day One: Complete. -.-
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