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**** warning wall of text ******
Long & short of it is my best friend of my whole 32 years has accused her partner (and father of her 2 kids) of cheating on her with me. I am mostly asexual & definitely aromantic. She knows this. I am also childfree. I love my nieces & nephews, but being surrounded by stranger's kids makes me twitchy and anxious. While D knows this, it has caused issues with her other friends.
D = Best friend (her dad has been friends with mine since they were young and we have grown up together)
C = her partner of 9 years
A = her mum
(Background) Both D & I have suffered from depression for most of our lives. Sometimes she is down and I am up or she is up and I am down or we are both hovering around coping. While mine was mostly caused by bullying, hers was caused by a number of factors that include a neurotic smothering emotional mother that wasn't very stable and an emotionally abusive boyfriend that she was with from 15-21. A is a very emotional person and is more than a bit of a martyr. Nothing D does is 'right' according to A.(end BG)
She had her first child in 2010 while I was on the other side of the world. This was not a planned kid and she did have to go off medication while pregnant. D was also on the other side of the country to her family for the first 6 months of the pregnancy. She had gestational diabetes and a host of other issues including constant morning sickness. I knew that she was not coping but she kept shutting me out and it's hard to do anything over Skype or sms. Eventually, my mum was able to visit her a few times and help her realise that she was doing ok with the way she was caring for Kid1.
I came back to Oz when Kid1 was 18 months old. D was better, but not 100%. Kid1 was on the bottom edge of 'normal' weight range but she was putting it on and growing at a steady rate. Because of this, D was constantly having strangers judging her and offering rather stupid advice. D is the kind of person that can't brush this shit off and she lets it fester.
D joined a local mother's group and met a small group of parent's with kids the same age and I thought 'Yay!'. Not Yay. I have never met a more judgemental group of people and I went to an all girls high school. The only thing these women could talk about was how bad the birth was and were constantly saying 'I had it worse.' Everything was a competition, I mean E V E R Y T H I N G. From how many stitches to how many times they need to pee to how long their kid feeds for to how many nappies they changed per day.
So at parties, I started going outside to talk to the dad's. Mostly because I'm not so good at blood & guts. Apparently, because I'm the only single female there, this means I want to steal one of their men. I also got accused of flirting with them.
A few times one of the husbands bought their brother along. I was talking to him because I'm me and I talk to everyone. So they try to not subtly hint that we should get together. I end up having to get nasty about it to 2 mum's because they would not take no for an answer. (I explained to him that it's nothing against him, I just don't do relationships. He was pretty good about the situation because he had just gotten out of one.)
This was over the course of 3 years, seeing these parents 3-4 times a year. I was never rude, expect that once to say back off. I always tried to talk to all of them over the course of the night. Never yelled at their kids. But I like books & travelling. Most of these people had barely left the state and were TV only people. There were only so many topics that we could discuss. The dad's were all car racing fans and I love watching the V8's so that was the main topic of conversation.
During this time, D & C were trying to have a second kid. I was not aware of this until not long before Kid2 was conceived, but they had been trying for 2 years. I now believe this was mostly due to pressure from this group of parents. D had always said that she only wanted 1 kid growing up. If I had been aware, I would have encouraged her not to.
Kid2 arrived in July 2014. Pregnancy was a bit easier this time except for the morning sickness. Kid2 was not an easy baby, still isn't. He doesn't sleep more than a few hours. Had issues feeding. Had colic and then teething issues. Unfortunately, they had a baby that was like me. So I suggest that they talk to someone who didn't kill me, aka my mum. (I'll add here that mum had 2 PITA babies out of 3 and was also in childcare for 18 years. She knows her stuff. A had 2 easy babies in comparison.)
For 6 months D gets worse and worse, barely leaves the house, doesn't take care of herself (days without showering or brushing teeth), forgets to eat but does feed the kids. Won't let anyone visit. Won't answer texts (never answers calls, so most people will text her). During this time, D was doing a uni course and they were looking at buying a business that would allow her to work from home. Basically, it was an everything at once situation.
Around this time, I was accused of not caring about them when I asked what I could bring for a gathering. D had gone vegan, while C and the kids were veggies. I'm a meat eater, so this then became a guessing game of what did & didn't have animal products in it. D also can't make a choice if her life depended on it, so basic things like 'what's your fav dip?' became impossible.
Xmas 2014, I was in the middle of my own breakdown. In the proceeding 12 months, we had sold our family home of forever, I had lost my nana (2 days after Kid2 was born), I had finally quit a nasty job when headhunted, then lost the new job due to the company shutting down. Also during this, one of the mum's started telling D that I was after a husband and that I shouldn't be trusted.
So instead of being there for each other, I was again shut out. (Thank fuck one of my other friends realised how bad I was and helped.)
Still Facebook friends at this point and I would talk to C every now and then on his drive home, mostly about the kids. I sent them birthday cards and tried to keep communication open. Didn't meet up but she would respond to comments and posts. By July, she started realising how not supportive her mother's group friends actually were, so I was apparently allowed to be in her life again.
In the last 12 months, D has been getting worse again. She has gone very radical in some of her parenting views. Kid2 in still nearly constantly strapped to her, she's still breastfeeding, is obsessed with gender neutral toys and has basically become a martyr. Nothing anyone tries to do is right and she HAS to do everything. She again barely leaves the house except to post the parcels for their online business. Is constantly posting judgemental things on people's posts or starting her own and getting shitty when she gets called out.
So C has reached out to me a few times. Some of the times have been regarding work issues, as we both work in offices & D used to be a vet nurse. Some of the times have been regarding issues between them. Some have been issues with his family or D's family. We are friends, so I have never had an issue with this. I've also reached out to him because I can count my most trusted friends on one hand.
We have had dinner together twice in the past 8 months. Once when D was out with her new mum friends & A wanted to have the kids. C needed a different perspective on a work situation & on D's spiralling mental health. D knew where he was.
3 weeks ago, D told C that she wanted a break. They have recently had a lot of money issues because C lost that job and their online business, while growing, couldn't pay the mortgage. They had to move in with D's parents. It's not a good situation. C was obviously pretty upset, so he was talking to me about the situation in between his counselling sessions. D told him she needed a week, so C moved in with his parents. We arranged to catch up on the Friday because I needed someone to talk to because I was having issues about the shit going back to studying was bringing back.
So we go out, get food and a couple of drinks. Money is tight for both of us so we go cheap. C is crashing on my couch so driving home is not an issue. I show C a photo of my uk ex-housemate who has recently lost a lot of weight. Both D & C met her when she come to Oz for a visit. He sent her a 'wow you look amazing in the photo you sent Blue Ginger' message through Facebook messenger then sends a photo of me with a drink as well. At 8pm, C calls D to say goodnight to the kids. C says that he is out with a work friend and is heading back to his folks soon. (I am not happy about this lie but I know D will get pissy if she thinks C is having any kind of fun. Remember the martyr complex?) An hour later, C phone blows up with a million messages. At this point we are both confused as she is accusing C of lying but won't say what about.
8:30am sat morning, I get a call saying I am disgusting and a liar and our friendship is terminated. She is pissed that I know they are having issues. I try to explain that I reached out to C because I needed to talk to someone and she wasn't responding to me, again, when I really needed to talk to her. She also said something along the lines of 'they were right' but she had woken me up and I wasn't fully alert yet, so I wasn't sure about this bit.
I spoke to C a few hours after this call because he was actually in a marriage counselling session followed by a meditation session when it happened. I told C that I needed some time to figure this out because I'm in shock. At this point I discovered I was blocked from their Facebook business page & her personal page. We both believe that she went onto his Facebook account and looked at his messages. C has changed the password.
Today, 2 weeks after, he has sent me a message to say that their relationship has ended. D also asked him directly if he had slept with me. We are both horrified that she would even think this.
I think that she has been getting advice from someone that doesn't believe men and women can be friends. In her newish circle of friends there are 2 women who's partners cheated on them. I believe that the idea has come from one of them. Both her parents are currently overseas otherwise I believe (and hope) that they would have told her it was not possible.
I am heart broken that she thinks so little of someone that she has known her whole life.
I don't even know what advice I'm looking for. I just needed to get this out.
Long & short of it is my best friend of my whole 32 years has accused her partner (and father of her 2 kids) of cheating on her with me. I am mostly asexual & definitely aromantic. She knows this. I am also childfree. I love my nieces & nephews, but being surrounded by stranger's kids makes me twitchy and anxious. While D knows this, it has caused issues with her other friends.
D = Best friend (her dad has been friends with mine since they were young and we have grown up together)
C = her partner of 9 years
A = her mum
(Background) Both D & I have suffered from depression for most of our lives. Sometimes she is down and I am up or she is up and I am down or we are both hovering around coping. While mine was mostly caused by bullying, hers was caused by a number of factors that include a neurotic smothering emotional mother that wasn't very stable and an emotionally abusive boyfriend that she was with from 15-21. A is a very emotional person and is more than a bit of a martyr. Nothing D does is 'right' according to A.(end BG)
She had her first child in 2010 while I was on the other side of the world. This was not a planned kid and she did have to go off medication while pregnant. D was also on the other side of the country to her family for the first 6 months of the pregnancy. She had gestational diabetes and a host of other issues including constant morning sickness. I knew that she was not coping but she kept shutting me out and it's hard to do anything over Skype or sms. Eventually, my mum was able to visit her a few times and help her realise that she was doing ok with the way she was caring for Kid1.
I came back to Oz when Kid1 was 18 months old. D was better, but not 100%. Kid1 was on the bottom edge of 'normal' weight range but she was putting it on and growing at a steady rate. Because of this, D was constantly having strangers judging her and offering rather stupid advice. D is the kind of person that can't brush this shit off and she lets it fester.
D joined a local mother's group and met a small group of parent's with kids the same age and I thought 'Yay!'. Not Yay. I have never met a more judgemental group of people and I went to an all girls high school. The only thing these women could talk about was how bad the birth was and were constantly saying 'I had it worse.' Everything was a competition, I mean E V E R Y T H I N G. From how many stitches to how many times they need to pee to how long their kid feeds for to how many nappies they changed per day.
So at parties, I started going outside to talk to the dad's. Mostly because I'm not so good at blood & guts. Apparently, because I'm the only single female there, this means I want to steal one of their men. I also got accused of flirting with them.
A few times one of the husbands bought their brother along. I was talking to him because I'm me and I talk to everyone. So they try to not subtly hint that we should get together. I end up having to get nasty about it to 2 mum's because they would not take no for an answer. (I explained to him that it's nothing against him, I just don't do relationships. He was pretty good about the situation because he had just gotten out of one.)This was over the course of 3 years, seeing these parents 3-4 times a year. I was never rude, expect that once to say back off. I always tried to talk to all of them over the course of the night. Never yelled at their kids. But I like books & travelling. Most of these people had barely left the state and were TV only people. There were only so many topics that we could discuss. The dad's were all car racing fans and I love watching the V8's so that was the main topic of conversation.
During this time, D & C were trying to have a second kid. I was not aware of this until not long before Kid2 was conceived, but they had been trying for 2 years. I now believe this was mostly due to pressure from this group of parents. D had always said that she only wanted 1 kid growing up. If I had been aware, I would have encouraged her not to.
Kid2 arrived in July 2014. Pregnancy was a bit easier this time except for the morning sickness. Kid2 was not an easy baby, still isn't. He doesn't sleep more than a few hours. Had issues feeding. Had colic and then teething issues. Unfortunately, they had a baby that was like me. So I suggest that they talk to someone who didn't kill me, aka my mum. (I'll add here that mum had 2 PITA babies out of 3 and was also in childcare for 18 years. She knows her stuff. A had 2 easy babies in comparison.)
For 6 months D gets worse and worse, barely leaves the house, doesn't take care of herself (days without showering or brushing teeth), forgets to eat but does feed the kids. Won't let anyone visit. Won't answer texts (never answers calls, so most people will text her). During this time, D was doing a uni course and they were looking at buying a business that would allow her to work from home. Basically, it was an everything at once situation.
Around this time, I was accused of not caring about them when I asked what I could bring for a gathering. D had gone vegan, while C and the kids were veggies. I'm a meat eater, so this then became a guessing game of what did & didn't have animal products in it. D also can't make a choice if her life depended on it, so basic things like 'what's your fav dip?' became impossible.
Xmas 2014, I was in the middle of my own breakdown. In the proceeding 12 months, we had sold our family home of forever, I had lost my nana (2 days after Kid2 was born), I had finally quit a nasty job when headhunted, then lost the new job due to the company shutting down. Also during this, one of the mum's started telling D that I was after a husband and that I shouldn't be trusted.
So instead of being there for each other, I was again shut out. (Thank fuck one of my other friends realised how bad I was and helped.)Still Facebook friends at this point and I would talk to C every now and then on his drive home, mostly about the kids. I sent them birthday cards and tried to keep communication open. Didn't meet up but she would respond to comments and posts. By July, she started realising how not supportive her mother's group friends actually were, so I was apparently allowed to be in her life again.
In the last 12 months, D has been getting worse again. She has gone very radical in some of her parenting views. Kid2 in still nearly constantly strapped to her, she's still breastfeeding, is obsessed with gender neutral toys and has basically become a martyr. Nothing anyone tries to do is right and she HAS to do everything. She again barely leaves the house except to post the parcels for their online business. Is constantly posting judgemental things on people's posts or starting her own and getting shitty when she gets called out.
So C has reached out to me a few times. Some of the times have been regarding work issues, as we both work in offices & D used to be a vet nurse. Some of the times have been regarding issues between them. Some have been issues with his family or D's family. We are friends, so I have never had an issue with this. I've also reached out to him because I can count my most trusted friends on one hand.
We have had dinner together twice in the past 8 months. Once when D was out with her new mum friends & A wanted to have the kids. C needed a different perspective on a work situation & on D's spiralling mental health. D knew where he was.
3 weeks ago, D told C that she wanted a break. They have recently had a lot of money issues because C lost that job and their online business, while growing, couldn't pay the mortgage. They had to move in with D's parents. It's not a good situation. C was obviously pretty upset, so he was talking to me about the situation in between his counselling sessions. D told him she needed a week, so C moved in with his parents. We arranged to catch up on the Friday because I needed someone to talk to because I was having issues about the shit going back to studying was bringing back.
So we go out, get food and a couple of drinks. Money is tight for both of us so we go cheap. C is crashing on my couch so driving home is not an issue. I show C a photo of my uk ex-housemate who has recently lost a lot of weight. Both D & C met her when she come to Oz for a visit. He sent her a 'wow you look amazing in the photo you sent Blue Ginger' message through Facebook messenger then sends a photo of me with a drink as well. At 8pm, C calls D to say goodnight to the kids. C says that he is out with a work friend and is heading back to his folks soon. (I am not happy about this lie but I know D will get pissy if she thinks C is having any kind of fun. Remember the martyr complex?) An hour later, C phone blows up with a million messages. At this point we are both confused as she is accusing C of lying but won't say what about.
8:30am sat morning, I get a call saying I am disgusting and a liar and our friendship is terminated. She is pissed that I know they are having issues. I try to explain that I reached out to C because I needed to talk to someone and she wasn't responding to me, again, when I really needed to talk to her. She also said something along the lines of 'they were right' but she had woken me up and I wasn't fully alert yet, so I wasn't sure about this bit.
I spoke to C a few hours after this call because he was actually in a marriage counselling session followed by a meditation session when it happened. I told C that I needed some time to figure this out because I'm in shock. At this point I discovered I was blocked from their Facebook business page & her personal page. We both believe that she went onto his Facebook account and looked at his messages. C has changed the password.
Today, 2 weeks after, he has sent me a message to say that their relationship has ended. D also asked him directly if he had slept with me. We are both horrified that she would even think this.
I think that she has been getting advice from someone that doesn't believe men and women can be friends. In her newish circle of friends there are 2 women who's partners cheated on them. I believe that the idea has come from one of them. Both her parents are currently overseas otherwise I believe (and hope) that they would have told her it was not possible.
I am heart broken that she thinks so little of someone that she has known her whole life.
I don't even know what advice I'm looking for. I just needed to get this out.
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