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Suck the First: Read the [expletive deleted] sign, for [expletive deleted] sake
I know, I know. This one comes up multiple times a year, and it's always the same old stories. Most customers are morons who either can't or won't read the signs, and then treat us like crap because the deals/sales aren't what they fondly imagined them to be.
Today we had an issue with a customer kicking off over a sign that they'd clearly only glanced at the % off emblazoned in the largest font.
The sign said (and I'm paraphrasing), "FRIDAY ONLY! 40% off on SELECTED BRANDS: Brand Alpha, Brand Bravo, Brand Charlie, Brand Delta!"
Today is Saturday, and the customer wanted to buy a pair of Brand Echo jeans. Even if the sale hadn't been Friday Only, that brand still wouldn't have been included.
I will own that it is our fault (as in, our visual merchandisers) that the sign had been left up. But taking more than 0.3 seconds to read the sign would have told them that the sale was over. And honestly, because it was our fault that the sign had been left up, we probably would have given them the 40% off as an "our bad" gesture - if they had been purchasing one of the named, included brands. But they weren't.
So, long story short, okay yes we should have been more careful to take ALL the defunct sale signs down, but the customer basically ignored the actual details on the sign (only registering the 40% part and deciding it applied to every item, in perpetuity), and that's not our fault, and I refuse to get into a debate with customers in situations like these because I am right and they are wrong, and I have better things to do.
Suck the Second: We have to ask EVERYONE, it's not a dig at YOU
This customer was disabled: she only had one arm, and only had one eye. Makes no difference to us in the level of service given (our best, always), but makes a difference to her in the speed she could move, I guess.
I greeted her cheerfully, asked how she was, and got on with the transaction. Part of every transaction, is asking if the customer is a member of our rewards program - particularly today, as the current sale is exclusive to members. So the spiel goes a little something like this: "Hiya, how's it going? Do you have a club card?"
The system pops up with the club card screen first, straight after beginning the transaction, but it's literally zero effort to dismiss that screen, go on to scanning the items, and come back to the card thing afterwards if the customer is struggling to locate their rewards card in their wallet/purse. It happens hundreds of times a week like that. Stress level: -53, "Unphased in the slightest".
So when this customer started yelling at me that I was being rude, demanding, and unaccommodating of her physical limitations (I'm cleaning the language up here) I was a little taken aback, to say the least.
I would have waited for her to find her card. I literally would have stood there for ten minutes if she had needed me to. But I'm funny like this - when people start shouting at me, I just get all kinds of deaf and contrary (!) So when she started shouting at me, that was transaction over for me. I told her I wasn't going to be shouted at, and I walked away.
I do not get shouted at. That does not happen. Period.
I think a manager ended up being called and the manager served her. I wouldn't know. By that time I was at the other end of the department helping a customer who could keep a civil tongue in their head.
Suck the Third: Corral your Beasts.
When I tell your children to stop walking down the up escalator/up the down escalator, it's not because I enjoy the sound of my own voice (though it is melodic and wonderful) or because I enjoy ruining the merriment of children (though that is sort of fun), it's because what they're doing is actually really freaking dangerous and I'm the schmuck who gets to scoop your child up off the ground after they go backside over elbow and really badly injure themselves.
One lady had an issue with me telling her children what to do, and huffily said to me, "I am their mother, so you stop telling them what to do."
I shrugged and said "I'll stop when you start."
Seriously, I have enough to do without all the paperwork that will arise from your monsters falling down my escalator. Corral your beasts.
Suck the Fourth: GET OFF MY DISPLAY.
I know what I said was "We have a chair by the fitting room door if you're wanting a sit-down", and that I said it with a smile, and that I made it sound like a suggestion.
What I was actually saying, though clearly the veil of manners and customer service masked it too deeply for you, was "Get your [expletive deleted] ass up off my plinth, that is a display not a park bench."
You are a grown man. There are children in my department who behave better than you were.
Suck the Fifth: Can... can you hear me? Is this thing on?
I know what I said was "We have an elevator by the service desk, rather than the escalator, if you need to to take the stroller upstairs", and that I said it with a smile, and that I made it sound like a suggestion.
What I was actually saying, though clearly the veil of manners and customer service masked it too deeply for you, was "It's so [expletive deleted] dangerous to do what you're doing, there's a better than average chance of a horrific accident and when it inevitably happens, though it's COMPLETELY your fault, I'm going to be the one blamed for not telling you. Even though you blatantly ignored my warning. And all the signs we put up saying NOT to take strollers on the escalator."
Your children are going to suffer because you are stupid, arrogant, or (most likely) both.
Suck the Sixth: GO. HOME.
I know what I said was "We're closing now", and that I said it with a smile, and that I made it sound like a suggestion.
What I was actually saying to you, though clearly the veil of manners and customer service masked it too deeply for you, was "No, you CAN'T try on eighty three things right now."
And to you, I was saying "I give zero [expletive deleted] if you 'just need to pick up a package' from our nursery department - and the amount of [expletive deleted] I give changes not at all because it's 'for your baby'. That's your fault for not organizing your day better and coming in earlier, and it's your baby's bad luck being born with you as a father, but none of this sounds like a ME problem because we close at six and that's when I officially stop having to be pleasant."
Lack of forethought on your part does not ever constitute an emergency on my part, so I'm going to close this door now, and no, you can't come in. GO HOME.
I know, I know. This one comes up multiple times a year, and it's always the same old stories. Most customers are morons who either can't or won't read the signs, and then treat us like crap because the deals/sales aren't what they fondly imagined them to be.
Today we had an issue with a customer kicking off over a sign that they'd clearly only glanced at the % off emblazoned in the largest font.
The sign said (and I'm paraphrasing), "FRIDAY ONLY! 40% off on SELECTED BRANDS: Brand Alpha, Brand Bravo, Brand Charlie, Brand Delta!"
Today is Saturday, and the customer wanted to buy a pair of Brand Echo jeans. Even if the sale hadn't been Friday Only, that brand still wouldn't have been included.
I will own that it is our fault (as in, our visual merchandisers) that the sign had been left up. But taking more than 0.3 seconds to read the sign would have told them that the sale was over. And honestly, because it was our fault that the sign had been left up, we probably would have given them the 40% off as an "our bad" gesture - if they had been purchasing one of the named, included brands. But they weren't.
So, long story short, okay yes we should have been more careful to take ALL the defunct sale signs down, but the customer basically ignored the actual details on the sign (only registering the 40% part and deciding it applied to every item, in perpetuity), and that's not our fault, and I refuse to get into a debate with customers in situations like these because I am right and they are wrong, and I have better things to do.
Suck the Second: We have to ask EVERYONE, it's not a dig at YOU
This customer was disabled: she only had one arm, and only had one eye. Makes no difference to us in the level of service given (our best, always), but makes a difference to her in the speed she could move, I guess.
I greeted her cheerfully, asked how she was, and got on with the transaction. Part of every transaction, is asking if the customer is a member of our rewards program - particularly today, as the current sale is exclusive to members. So the spiel goes a little something like this: "Hiya, how's it going? Do you have a club card?"
The system pops up with the club card screen first, straight after beginning the transaction, but it's literally zero effort to dismiss that screen, go on to scanning the items, and come back to the card thing afterwards if the customer is struggling to locate their rewards card in their wallet/purse. It happens hundreds of times a week like that. Stress level: -53, "Unphased in the slightest".
So when this customer started yelling at me that I was being rude, demanding, and unaccommodating of her physical limitations (I'm cleaning the language up here) I was a little taken aback, to say the least.
I would have waited for her to find her card. I literally would have stood there for ten minutes if she had needed me to. But I'm funny like this - when people start shouting at me, I just get all kinds of deaf and contrary (!) So when she started shouting at me, that was transaction over for me. I told her I wasn't going to be shouted at, and I walked away.
I do not get shouted at. That does not happen. Period.
I think a manager ended up being called and the manager served her. I wouldn't know. By that time I was at the other end of the department helping a customer who could keep a civil tongue in their head.
Suck the Third: Corral your Beasts.
When I tell your children to stop walking down the up escalator/up the down escalator, it's not because I enjoy the sound of my own voice (though it is melodic and wonderful) or because I enjoy ruining the merriment of children (though that is sort of fun), it's because what they're doing is actually really freaking dangerous and I'm the schmuck who gets to scoop your child up off the ground after they go backside over elbow and really badly injure themselves.
One lady had an issue with me telling her children what to do, and huffily said to me, "I am their mother, so you stop telling them what to do."
I shrugged and said "I'll stop when you start."
Seriously, I have enough to do without all the paperwork that will arise from your monsters falling down my escalator. Corral your beasts.
Suck the Fourth: GET OFF MY DISPLAY.
I know what I said was "We have a chair by the fitting room door if you're wanting a sit-down", and that I said it with a smile, and that I made it sound like a suggestion.
What I was actually saying, though clearly the veil of manners and customer service masked it too deeply for you, was "Get your [expletive deleted] ass up off my plinth, that is a display not a park bench."
You are a grown man. There are children in my department who behave better than you were.
Suck the Fifth: Can... can you hear me? Is this thing on?
I know what I said was "We have an elevator by the service desk, rather than the escalator, if you need to to take the stroller upstairs", and that I said it with a smile, and that I made it sound like a suggestion.
What I was actually saying, though clearly the veil of manners and customer service masked it too deeply for you, was "It's so [expletive deleted] dangerous to do what you're doing, there's a better than average chance of a horrific accident and when it inevitably happens, though it's COMPLETELY your fault, I'm going to be the one blamed for not telling you. Even though you blatantly ignored my warning. And all the signs we put up saying NOT to take strollers on the escalator."
Your children are going to suffer because you are stupid, arrogant, or (most likely) both.
Suck the Sixth: GO. HOME.
I know what I said was "We're closing now", and that I said it with a smile, and that I made it sound like a suggestion.
What I was actually saying to you, though clearly the veil of manners and customer service masked it too deeply for you, was "No, you CAN'T try on eighty three things right now."
And to you, I was saying "I give zero [expletive deleted] if you 'just need to pick up a package' from our nursery department - and the amount of [expletive deleted] I give changes not at all because it's 'for your baby'. That's your fault for not organizing your day better and coming in earlier, and it's your baby's bad luck being born with you as a father, but none of this sounds like a ME problem because we close at six and that's when I officially stop having to be pleasant."
Lack of forethought on your part does not ever constitute an emergency on my part, so I'm going to close this door now, and no, you can't come in. GO HOME.
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