Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Professor Dave's Customer Lecture Series (Long, language)

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Professor Dave's Customer Lecture Series (Long, language)

    Don't you wish that sometimes you could just pull a customer aside and give them a rundown on just how it is that things ACTUALLY work as opposed to their ill-preconceived notions about how they work?

    Class is now in session!

    To the man who asked for a manager right off the bat and expressly told me he was doing so because he wanted to speak to someone who actually KNOWS the products:

    First of all, you're an Asshole. Major Asshole, in fact.

    Second, my manager is not going to know any more or less about these products than I do. I'm not some random twit they pulled off the street, ran through a car wash, stuffed into a red shirt and then threw out on the sales floor with vague instructions on how to sell. I'm a trained sales associate and I know what I am doing.

    Third, my manager has better things to do than babysit Assholes like you.

    And lastly Major, your question was a very simple one that had a one word answer. (Plantronics, of you are wonder. "Which is the better brand of headset you carry?")

    For all the above reasons, you fail. You are not getting a manger, you are getting me. Sorry.

    To the customer who told me that she would be "taking her business to a store that sells coordinated products":

    You are perusing a CLEARANCE table. CLEARANCE. In this case a table of discontinued printers and some two-way radios that were leftover from a planogram reset. Yes, it's unfortunate that the radios on the table don't work with the chargers on the table, but you know what? TS on you. News flash: People don't' always buy the charger & battery sets for their radios! Sometimes they elect to run them off AAAs instead. Therefore, we will sometimes have chargers leftover. And because not everyone buys the chargers, we carry more radios than chargers and will sometimes have radios left but not the associated charger! If these were still active items, then I'd either have the charger for it or I could order it for you. But it's not. This is CLEARANCE! Take it or leave it, and for God's sake stop complaining about it! THAT IS THE WAY IT WORKS!


    To the woman who flipped out at my manager so hard that the manager almost started to cry:

    Yes, you bought an extended warranty from us. Yes, your HP printer has apparently shit the bed. Yes, that is most unfortunate. But no, you do NOT get to walk into the store and demand an instant replacement, nor are you entitled to a full refund of the price of the printer AND the price of the warranty in lieu of a new printer.

    Allow me to explain it to you. This is all in the warranty pamphlet we provided for you, but clearly you did not read it.

    Opening up to page one, you will notice "Types of Service."

    •Carry in: We will refer you to the nearest authorized repair center for service.

    •Express shipping: We will provide prepaid shipping to and from our repair facility.

    •On-site. We will do our best to repair your product at your home or workplace.

    Under that it says "FOR CUSTOMER SERVICE" and it lists a website you can visit and a phone number you can call 24/7.

    I regret to inform you that "Come into the store, throw a massive shit fit, and generally act like a Bitch on Wheels" is NOT listed anywhere in the pamphlet.

    Moreover, since the product is less than a year old, it is still under warranty from HP. Therefore, you should have called HP first.

    Lastly, there is no such thing as an "automatic replacement" warranty. Allow me to explain how EVERY warranty works EVERYWHERE:

    1) Call in and describe the problem.

    2) Attempt to resolve issue over the phone.

    3) If that fails, the item will be sent out for repair.

    4) If not repairable, it will be replaced.

    5) (Our warranty) If the item is no longer available, we will send you a gift card so you can buy a new one.

    Got that? Because there's going to be a test on this in a minute!

    Now I do not give a hot-diggity-damn what the guy at the [Other] store allegedly told you. I have already explained how the real world of warranties works.

    Oh? You are going to continue to yell and scream and try to make the manager cry? What's this? You're calling the other store to complain to them while you are still tying up a register my MY store?

    I'll let Prof Crocker explain the last part: YOU FAIL! F! F! F!! F!!!!!! FAIRY GODPARENTS!!!

    You FAILED the test, and must now surrender your shopping license.


    Class dismissed (for now).
    "We guard the souls in heaven; we don't horse-trade them!" Samandrial in Supernatural

    RIP Plaidman.

  • #2
    Quoth Dave1982 View Post
    I'll let Prof Crocker explain the last part: YOU FAIL! F! F! F!! F!!!!!! FAIRY GODPARENTS!!!
    Yay. I <3 Fairly Oddparents muchly.

    And I agree, I would LOVE to school some "customers" on how to properly behave to get things done, using their poor, atrophied brains.
    "In the end I was the mean girl/or somebody's in between girl"~Neko Case

    “You don't need many words if you already know what you're talking about.” ~William Stafford

    Comment


    • #3
      :standing ovation: Please, share more lectures, Prof. Dave. I greatly enjoyed it.
      What if Humans are just Dire Halflings?

      Comment


      • #4
        *takes copious notes as Prof. Dave lectures eloquent*

        Wonderful job Professor! Can't wait for your next class!

        Comment


        • #5
          I would love to see mandatory Customer School...like how you can be required to go to traffic school to get your license back, you have to go to Customer School to be allowed to shop again.
          I don't go in for ancient wisdom
          I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
          It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

          Comment


          • #6
            I still think that a law should be passed requiring at least 2 and a half years of working in the service industry.

            I can tell you without a doubt, when I'm out shopping I'm the most understanding, kindest customer. Who will say please and thank you...thanks to a good upbringing and working in hell...I mean grocery store.
            --AmericanZero8503--
            Telling Stories from the Front Line a.k.a Customer Service at a Grocery Store

            Comment


            • #7
              Quoth AmericanZero8503 View Post
              I still think that a law should be passed requiring at least 2 and a half years of working in the service industry.
              I like it. At the very least they should have to work through the holiday season in retail.
              I don't go in for ancient wisdom
              I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
              It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

              Comment


              • #8
                To all the morons who purchase 27-inch TVs and show up with a Chevy Aveo or some other such small vehicle:
                (ever get the feeling I'm obsessed with this kind of thing? )

                You, sir or ma'am, are an idiot. Presumably you saw how wide and deep these TVs are; yet you decided to show up with your little clown car to pick up this big TV, which you are now asking me to take out of the box and cram in the backseat, which I do not appreciate doing because I can't get a good grip on the damn thing and I know that if I should drop it and break, you will tear me a new asshole and complain to my manager. Come back with a truck or a van.

                To the asshat who snapped at the poor cashier when she asked for his zip code:

                Do you think she'd ask this question if corporate and management didn't ask her to? It's something we do every so often. If you can't have a cashier ask you what your zip code is without flipping out, you shouldn't be shopping. In a store or online. It's not like we're asking for your address, or your SSN, or anything else that could be used to steal your identity, if that's what you're so scared about.
                Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

                "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

                Comment


                • #9
                  Good rant, and I hate to spoil it with facts, but there are indeed instant replacement plans. I used one to get my DS replaced when the screen was horribly scratched. My computer parts shop offered me one for my parts as well. Granted, neither of these are your store, but the plans do exist.
                  Ba'al: I'm a god. Gods are all-knowing.

                  http://unrelatedcaptions.com/45147

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth Irving Patrick Freleigh View Post
                    To the asshat who snapped at the poor cashier when she asked for his zip code:

                    Do you think she'd ask this question if corporate and management didn't ask her to? It's something we do every so often. If you can't have a cashier ask you what your zip code is without flipping out, you shouldn't be shopping. In a store or online. It's not like we're asking for your address, or your SSN, or anything else that could be used to steal your identity, if that's what you're so scared about.
                    New Hampshire liquor stores had been doing zip code surveys as of late. Me, instead of complaining about it, I'll give a different zip code; usually my favorite is that of the town in Connecticut in which I was born.

                    I found it interesting that the clerk didn't get suspicious that I handed her a Vermont ID (zip codes start with 05) and then give her a Connecticut zip code (they start with 06)...she probably thought the zip code surveys were BS and didn't care that I fed it bogus data.
                    "Well, ergo cogitum daltitum e pluribus shut your piehole." -Mike Rowe

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Class in session again

                      To the meathead who called me "unhelpful" and told his wife "he can't do anything to help":

                      Ok, fine. The desk you wanted is out of stock, and that sucks. But please listen, as there are several important things you need to know.

                      1. It is not MY fault that the desk is out of stock, ok? I am not responsible for ordering; that's all handled automatically by computer.

                      2. It's not even my department. You had to come deep into electronics to get me to help you in furniture. I could have fobbed you off on another guy, but decided to be nice and help you out. You should be grateful for that at least.

                      3. I offered you not one, but TWO options to get you that desk. First I told you I could order one for you with free shipping, and I also told you I could check our other local stores to see if they had the desk in stock. You rejected both options out of hand. You did not even consider them. Therefore, I am NOT being "unhelpful" and was NOT "unable to do anything for you." In fact, YOU were guilty of being uncooperative and impatient, not to mention a jackass. Just because you can't have the desk now doesn't mean I did anything wrong.


                      To all those who bitch excessively about the price of ink:

                      Listen, I agree with you 100% that ink is overly expensive, but that's just the way it is. Deal with it.

                      1. ALL printers now require expensive ink. That is how the printer OEMs (and yes, us) make their money. They sell the printers on razor-thin or non-existent margins, then reap a massive profit on ink. There is no escaping this fact.

                      2. No one forced you to buy that printer. By choosing to buy it, you are choosing to accept the high cost of supplies for it.

                      3. No, we did not increase the price. Oh, by the way, we did NOT increase the price. Did I mention that we did NOT increase the price? That HP 45/78 combo has been $57.99 for at least as long as I've worked here, which is about 20 months now as of this writing. Those HP 02s are brand new and haven't had a price change yet. And those Canon cartridges actually went DOWN in price, not up. Please do not lie to me. All you are accomplishing is pissing me off and making yourself look even more like a buffoon.

                      4. Please stop saying "I could buy a whole new printer for that!" It's just flat out not true.

                      5. $40 is NOT that much to pay for ink. It just isn't. It's barely middle of the road. There are quite a few combo packs that sell for well in excess of $50. Just today in fact, I had a woman order a full set of cartridges for her new Canon 9500. That takes TEN cartridges, which came to a whopping $183.50. THAT is a lot to pay for ink. $40 is nothing. So shut the hell up already.

                      And on a side note, PLEASE stop saying "just let me show you the printer I have" in lieu of actually knowing your model number and/or cartridge numbers. It is VERY rare for us to have any given model for longer than 6 months. That printer you bought two years ago is long gone. You're not going to find it. And I guarantee you that the one that "looks sort of like it" takes totally different cartridges. Failure to plan on your part does not equal incompetence on my part. It equals incompetence on YOUR part.

                      And saying "well, it's an HP" is equally useless. Don't do that either.

                      Here's another free tip: take one of our Ink reference cards. It has handy spaces for you to write down your printer model number and up to four cartridge numbers in a convenient wallet size.


                      To the MoFo who laughed contemptuously in my face at the price of that computer:

                      you AND the horse you rode in on. If you think the price is too high, that's fine. By all means don't buy it. Since you obviously weren't paying attention when they covered this in kindergarten, allow me to explain: laughing at someone as if to say "you are STUPID for charging that much" is EXTREMELY rude! It's also incredibly shortsighted of you considering that I DO NOT SET PRICES! So stop barking up the wrong tree!

                      Oh any by the way, $700 for a PC is hardly exorbitant. The computer I use cost in excess of $2000, and they do get MUCH more expensive than that. Good or cheap? Pick ONE. That's the way it works.

                      Class dismissed.
                      "We guard the souls in heaven; we don't horse-trade them!" Samandrial in Supernatural

                      RIP Plaidman.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Wait, complaining over a $700 price tag? Cheap-skate much? What did he want it for? Paper weight? Oi. And I managed to skip the whole "what printer do you have" by...getting rid of my printer! I just manage to print most of my stuff at work. Or at school. 10 cents a page. Cheaper than buying the paper and ink, as I'd usually only get halfway through a cartridge before it dried up.
                        Ba'al: I'm a god. Gods are all-knowing.

                        http://unrelatedcaptions.com/45147

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          The 'price of ink' rant made me think of this.

                          To the f*cktards wanting their ink cartridges refilled

                          1. We had a special 'Get your cartridge refilled for free' day one day.. not every day. It was a special promo to get you to pay attention to the fact that we offer that service. We are here to make money, not to do nice things for you because you smell pretty. Shocking.. I know.

                          2. No, I can't do your refill within an hour. Yes, yes, I know that other stores will do it within an hour. But you know what? We have to drive your cartridge over to those other stores to refill it. So either shut up and wait a day, or drive the damn thing over there yourself you lazy bastich.

                          3. The most important variable in all of this is that you actually have the cartridge that you want refilled. I really truly don't give a monkey's armpit if you're just running over here on your lunch break, and the cartridge is at home. Without the actual cartridge, all I can do is tell you that you're an idiot, get you out of my store before you contaminate me with your idiot-cooties, and hope that you don't pass your genes down to any unsuspecting offspring.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I think the next time I get asked for a zip code (other than at the gas pumps, where they are verifying that that is, in fact, my credit card), I am going to give my old Arizona zip instead of my current Key West zip. That oughtta confuse them a bit!

                            "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
                            Still A Customer."

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              This next lesson was inspired by another thread that I did not want to hijack.

                              To Everyone who tries to "read between the lines with me" in regards to what I tell them:

                              This may be a difficult concept, but neither I nor anyone else here engages in doublespeak. When I explain something to you, I am telling it straight. Therefore there is no need to "reinterpret" what I'm saying in order to make me sound like a douchebag or to make it seems like I'm selling you crap.

                              Therefore, the following types of responses are entirely unnecessary.

                              Example #1: Rewards

                              SC: What is Staples Rewards?

                              Me: *Standard spiel. 10% on ink paper and copies*

                              SC: So you're telling me it's worthless. (said as a statement, not a question)

                              Me: Nooooo.....*rephrases standard spiel to make it even more clear*

                              SC: So what your saying is that it's worthless. (again, statement)

                              *BZZT!* WRONG! You FAIL! Nowhere did I say it was worthless. It may be worthless AT THE MOMENT because you aren't buying any of the qualifying items, but if you own a printer then I guarantee you it will come in handy eventually. If you don't, then perhaps it is worthless to you but that doesn't mean the program as a whole is worthless. You are putting words in my mouth that I did not even imply. There's a word for that: RUDE


                              Example #2: Extended Service Plans

                              Me: Ok, sir/ma'am, we offer 2 and 3 year warranties on the computer you are buying, which covers----

                              SC: Are you telling me that this is crap and is going to break? Because I'm not buying it if it is! Tell me right now it's not crap.

                              Me: I'm not saying it is, but-

                              SC: Then I don't need the plan, do I?

                              TIMEOUT! Stop right there before I have to hit you, tie you to a chair, and stuff a gag in your mouth. You need to re-evaluate your approach to the situation. First of all, all this hostility means you are an asshole, which is a bad thing. YOu should learn to tone it down. Second, and most importantly, the existence of a warranty for any product does not automatically mean that it is crap. It just means that nothing is perfect and is prone to defects or failures, especially technology items. Again, NOBODY sells perfect products. You would be much better off thinking of the warranty as an insurance policy (though it's not technically insurance, we'll say it is for the purpose of this analogy), like medical or auto insurance. You may be an excellent driver, or be in perfect health, but you still should have insurance coverage. Why? Because shit happens, that's why. Even good drivers make mistakes, and even people in good health can become injured or ill. Likewise, even quality products can fail. By purchasing an extended warranty from us, you are insuring that should something go wrong, you will be covered. You are NOT being told that the need for said coverage is a certainly. And should you elect to not purchase the coverage, then I do not want to see this item back here even one SECOND after the 14 day return policy expires. If it breaks after that, you can either deal directly with the OEM or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.


                              As you can see, the behavior in both examples is boorish and should be avoided at all times.

                              Class dismissed.
                              "We guard the souls in heaven; we don't horse-trade them!" Samandrial in Supernatural

                              RIP Plaidman.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X