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  • As similar as apples and assholes...

    I could have predicted this...I just came back from vacation again, so it was almost a certainty that karma would have stored up a shit storm for me to return to. This day has not disappointed me, thus far, especially since every bad thing has worked out in my favor in the end. And here...we...go.

    This is unnecessary...

    It's kinda cold outside today, but it's hot as all hell inside the hotel. I don't just mean "pretty warm" either. I mean hot enough that I am literally "sweating balls" if I leave my suit coat on. I have a large pile of about 400 heat-generated testicles piling up in the corner of my office, which I'm pretty sure is something that medical professionals would probably like to write a report about.

    No dice. You damn people stay away from my ballpile.

    The world is my toilet

    I went walking outside to cool off for a bit, and ran into a couple of the police who work with us most weekends on Fridays and Saturdays, here to pick up their paychecks. We're talking outside when I notice the two "gentlemen" painting the side of my building with their piss.

    Uncle Khiras is not amused.

    Luckily, the two uniformed police officers with me are of a similar disposition, so when they yank both idiots aside mid-stream (oops, pee on your pants!) they surprised both of them quite effectively. There's two quick arrests for public urination and a minor vandalism charge (they were being asshats to my guys, which made them not subtract that from the ticket like they were going to). This was all before noon...I got in at 10am, so that's 2 arrests in 2 hours. The Broncos are also playing, so people are drinking.

    This day is off to a bad start.

    Hi...I'm with you today?

    Not really a customer, just a whine on my part...I'm training an intern today. I found out about this when she walked into my office. No big deal, I just really wish someone had left me a note or something...

    Think this through...

    Ok folks, pop quiz time, we live in a day and age where every hotel carries lots of disclaimers and waivers (which you agree to when you sign your receipt at check in) that say "we are not responsible for lost and stolen items blah blah blah, use the safe or safe deposit boxes, it's secure." You've now brought a very expensive watch to the hotel, and you do one of the following:

    A) Wear it, since it's a friggin' watch
    B) Lock it in the safe
    C) Leave it sitting out in the open

    If you chose C, please don't stay at my hotel. I trust a lot of people here, but I'm not naive, there are people who are not 100% honest, given a chance to do a bad deed.

    That said, let's all play another game, and figure out which type of SC this is, who just chose option C. Does she...

    A) Calmly file a report, and hope for the best
    B) Angrily file a report, and hope for my slow and painful death simply because she talked to me first
    C) Calmly file a report, call me 8 times over 3 hours bitching about how I haven't found her watch, then call me a 9th time to bitchily tell me she found her watch, no thanks to me?

    In case you've forgotten which website you're on, I suggest you take a look at the URL at the top of your screen if you have any trouble figuring out which option she chose.

    If I have a chance, I would like to get someone to poop on her watch.

    The Eagle has Landed

    Yes folks, the eagle has landed. That is, if you replace the word "eagle" with the words "godawfully smelly hobo" and the word "landed" with the words "wandered into the restaurant, peed his pants, and puked on the carpet." Too bad my police buddies weren't here any more, I had to wait a few minutes for some others to come. Why does this crap always happen during my lunch break? At least this one kept his pants on.

    For those keeping score, that is now 3 people who have peed their pants in the last 6 hours. It's like the hat trick of fucktardery.

    Callsigns

    Things got boring after that, and we started getting goofy, so we now all have callsigns. The names?

    Deadmeat (mine), Goldfish, Playboy, Toodles, Dumple, and our base point is the Gopher Base (Go for base...yeah, lame I know).

    I'll admit, it is fun to call in as Deadmeat...

    Do you even read the things I write?

    My e-mail, in short: We have a meeting coming up next week at 8am on this day, lots of important stuff, attendance is mandatory!

    Response (not 10 minutes later, after I repeat it verbatim to the person replying in person about 2 minutes after I sent it): Do we have to be there?

    No, he wasn't joking, and I die a little more inside.

    Meeting hell

    It must be a first week back...I looked at the schedule, and there are 4 meetings I have to go to this week, plus two more next week. However, the meetings don't start until AFTER I go back onto the graveyard shift (well ok, one's on my day off ><) so I have to wake up during the day for each one, sit there in a daze while pretending I'm awake, then go back home and sleep again.

    I hate meeting-heavy weeks.

    He tried to kill me with a forklift...

    Here's to you, jackass contractor who nearly ran me over not once, not twice, but three times so far today with a forklift because he wasn't watching where he was going! Strike 3, goodbye...banned him from the property since he was a safety hazard. His boss wasn't happy with me until I showed him the video of all 3 problems (I'm vindictive like that), and now his boss is angrier with him.

    As a bonus, I now have these two clips stuck in my head.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeMHN2r0yqA
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wErpaF1jvjU

    Enjoy

    And rest.
    "That's too bad. Hospitals aren't fun to fight through."
    "What IS fun to fight through?"
    "Gardens. Electronics shops. Antique stores, but only if they're classy."

  • #2
    I have a third clip stuck in my head: Stapplerfahrer Klaus, that wonderful German forklift training film chock full of Blood, Guts and Gore so you know the filmmakers are Not Shitting Around.

    Linky(NSFW, not for those with weak stomachs, and really honking huge file to boot)
    Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

    "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

    Comment


    • #3
      Quoth KhirasHY View Post
      I could have predicted this...I just came back from vacation again, so it was almost a certainty that karma would have stored up a shit storm for me to return to. This day has not disappointed me, thus far, especially since every bad thing has worked out in my favor in the end. And here...we...go.

      This is unnecessary...

      It's kinda cold outside today, but it's hot as all hell inside the hotel. I don't just mean "pretty warm" either. I mean hot enough that I am literally "sweating balls" if I leave my suit coat on. I have a large pile of about 400 heat-generated testicles piling up in the corner of my office, which I'm pretty sure is something that medical professionals would probably like to write a report about.

      No dice. You damn people stay away from my ballpile.
      Oooh I want some



      Callsigns

      Things got boring after that, and we started getting goofy, so we now all have callsigns. The names?

      Deadmeat (mine), Goldfish, Playboy, Toodles, Dumple, and our base point is the Gopher Base (Go for base...yeah, lame I know).

      I'll admit, it is fun to call in as Deadmeat...
      I've done that a few nights at work, when we've got bored. One night it was Midget, Rover, Hotel and Bowman (my sup, youngest guy, other guy and me). The other night, my friend was the only girl amongst a list of guys, so she was called Jeff for the rest of the night. The Rover callsign was repeated a few days later when one of my sups accidentally called him that over the PA
      The best professors are mad scientists! -Zoom

      Now queen of USSR-Land...

      Comment


      • #4
        Quoth fireheart17 View Post
        Oooh I want some
        Don't touch mah ballpile!!!



        Also, we've now switched callsigns. I've become Church, and my co-workers are Simmons, Caboose, Griff, Sarge, and the one who just came in is Tucker.

        I introduced them all to Red vs. Blue a few weeks back
        "That's too bad. Hospitals aren't fun to fight through."
        "What IS fun to fight through?"
        "Gardens. Electronics shops. Antique stores, but only if they're classy."

        Comment


        • #5
          Wow, I think this day actually tops my Hellish Weekend.

          *gives booze and cookies*
          Ridiculous 2009 Predictions: Evil Queen will beat Martha Stewart to death with a muffin pan. All hail Evil Queen! (Some things don't need elaboration.....) -- Jester

          Ridiculous 2010 Predictions: Evil Queen, after escaping prison for last years prediction, goes out and waffle irons Rachel Ray to death. -- SG15Z

          Ridiculous 2011 Prediction: Evil Queen will beat Gordon Ramsay over the head with a cast-iron skillet. -- FireHeart

          Comment


          • #6
            Quoth KhirasHY View Post
            400 heat-generated testicles
            Best. Band name. EVAR.
            "Eventually, everything that you have said becomes everything you will ever say." Eireann

            My pony dolls: http://equestriarags.tumblr.com

            Comment


            • #7
              Quoth KhirasHY View Post

              Think this through...

              Ok folks, pop quiz time, we live in a day and age where every hotel carries lots of disclaimers and waivers (which you agree to when you sign your receipt at check in) that say "we are not responsible for lost and stolen items blah blah blah, use the safe or safe deposit boxes, it's secure." You've now brought a very expensive watch to the hotel, and you do one of the following:

              A) Wear it, since it's a friggin' watch
              B) Lock it in the safe
              C) Leave it sitting out in the open

              If you chose C, please don't stay at my hotel. I trust a lot of people here, but I'm not naive, there are people who are not 100% honest, given a chance to do a bad deed.

              That said, let's all play another game, and figure out which type of SC this is, who just chose option C. Does she...

              A) Calmly file a report, and hope for the best
              B) Angrily file a report, and hope for my slow and painful death simply because she talked to me first
              C) Calmly file a report, call me 8 times over 3 hours bitching about how I haven't found her watch, then call me a 9th time to bitchily tell me she found her watch, no thanks to me?

              In case you've forgotten which website you're on, I suggest you take a look at the URL at the top of your screen if you have any trouble figuring out which option she chose.

              If I have a chance, I would like to get someone to poop on her watch.
              There are a couple websites on the internet where hotel "reviews" are left, one of our negative reviews is someone so very angry with the hotel because their IPOD went missing & actually claimed, "HOW CAN YOU STAY AT A HOTEL WHERE YOUR BELONGINGS ARE NOT SAFE?????" Where to these people come from & why are they breeding? Don't they know anthing?

              And for this lady to say you were no help to her retardedness...lame & major fail.

              Quoth KhirasHY View Post
              Do you even read the things I write?

              My e-mail, in short: We have a meeting coming up next week at 8am on this day, lots of important stuff, attendance is mandatory!

              Response (not 10 minutes later, after I repeat it verbatim to the person replying in person about 2 minutes after I sent it): Do we have to be there?

              No, he wasn't joking, and I die a little more inside.

              Meeting hell

              It must be a first week back...I looked at the schedule, and there are 4 meetings I have to go to this week, plus two more next week. However, the meetings don't start until AFTER I go back onto the graveyard shift (well ok, one's on my day off ><) so I have to wake up during the day for each one, sit there in a daze while pretending I'm awake, then go back home and sleep again.

              I hate meeting-heavy weeks.
              Wow, and I thought I was the only person in the world who gets asked by my fellow employees if they "really have to be there." Look up the word, "manditory"...wait can you even read???

              I am also a night shifter...and once JUST ONCE I want to hold a meeting in the middle of the flipping night! 2am, be here or get written up! Welcome to my world *muhahahahah*
              When it comes to getting things done, we need fewer architects and more bricklayers. ---Colleen C. Barrett---

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth KhirasHY View Post
                Hi...I'm with you today?

                Not really a customer, just a whine on my part...I'm training an intern today. I found out about this when she walked into my office. No big deal, I just really wish someone had left me a note or something...
                I don't know why ...I don't like training people. Where I work, training requires someone being in my personal space watching while I do my job. Then we switch. They'll do my job while I'm sitting right next to them. Not only that, but I don't like pausing to explain anything. I just like to come to work, do my job, and go home!

                Meeting hell

                It must be a first week back...I looked at the schedule, and there are 4 meetings I have to go to this week, plus two more next week. However, the meetings don't start until AFTER I go back onto the graveyard shift (well ok, one's on my day off ><) so I have to wake up during the day for each one, sit there in a daze while pretending I'm awake, then go back home and sleep again.

                I hate meeting-heavy weeks.
                Me and you both! I hate being in meetings or training...and if they expected me to come in on my time off...they'd be disappointed...or I would be disappointed because my hatred of meetings would get me fired because if they had me come in on my day off for one...I wouldn't.


                DAMN!!! The powers that be at work have long banned us from You Tube! Bastards!
                "I'm still walking, so I'm sure that I can dance!" from Saint of Circumstance - Grateful Dead

                Comment


                • #9
                  Quoth KhirasHY View Post
                  A) Calmly file a report, and hope for the best
                  B) Angrily file a report, and hope for my slow and painful death simply because she talked to me first
                  C) Calmly file a report, call me 8 times over 3 hours bitching about how I haven't found her watch, then call me a 9th time to bitchily tell me she found her watch, no thanks to me?
                  Hmmm... well, I know it's not A... but both B and C are good options... "All this lovey-dovey nonsense is angrying up my blood."
                  "I call murder on that!"

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Quoth KhirasHY View Post
                    Also, we've now switched callsigns. I've become Church, and my co-workers are Simmons, Caboose, Griff, Sarge, and the one who just came in is Tucker.

                    I introduced them all to Red vs. Blue a few weeks back

                    I love watching that.. *wanders to go watch it again*

                    Doc: "I was just trying to help..."
                    Griff: "Really? Oh is that all? I was totally confused. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our Sargeant by ramming him over and over with a 6000 pound death machine. But now that we know you were trying to help, by all means, please continue."
                    Doc: "Really?"
                    Griff & Simmons: "YEAH."
                    The pen may be mightier than the sword, but the D20 rules all!!!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quoth Irving Patrick Freleigh View Post
                      I have a third clip stuck in my head: Stapplerfahrer Klaus, that wonderful German forklift training film chock full of Blood, Guts and Gore so you know the filmmakers are Not Shitting Around.

                      Linky(NSFW, not for those with weak stomachs, and really honking huge file to boot)
                      Just make sure you're properly medicated before watching . . . helps the queasies.
                      Human Resources - the adult version of "I'm telling Mom." - Agent Anthony "Tony" DiNozzo (NCIS)

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Quoth Irving Patrick Freleigh View Post
                        I have a third clip stuck in my head: Stapplerfahrer Klaus, that wonderful German forklift training film chock full of Blood, Guts and Gore so you know the filmmakers are Not Shitting Around.

                        Linky(NSFW, not for those with weak stomachs, and really honking huge file to boot)
                        I wish more training videos were that entertaining.

                        I found the violence, death and dismemberment too fake to really bother me, but I can't watch it at work because I laugh out loud every time I watch it.
                        Labor boards have info on local laws for free
                        HR believes the first person in the door
                        Learn how to go over whackamole bosses' heads safely
                        Document everything
                        CS proves Dunning-Kruger effect

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