The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Smoker,

From now on I will no longer instruct my staff to prevent people from smoking in my store. Instead, i will equip them with cans of PAM so that, when they catch people smoking, they will spray them down with it. You can smoke to your heart's content, if you don't mind being a little . . . greasy.

Signed,

Mr. Paytha Price, owner of Justice Supermarkets.

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Dear Decade 25 False Estates,

I was going to buy one of your listed homes, and so I met with one of your agents, Mr. Bam Boozle. He told me how much money I'd need, and the things I'd need to do, in order to buy the house, and so I did everything Mr. Boozle told me to do. I didn't do any of the things he told me not to do, such as checking out the neighborhood to see if my wife and I liked the school nearby for our son or not, or looking up the crime statistics, or talking with the immediate neighbors of the home I intended to buy. I also obeyed his advice in never hiring outside inspectors or asking for any kind of research on the house. Mr. Boozle said he'd handle all of that for me, and he did, giving me reports so good that they literally glowed. I was pleased. My wife, Notah, however, was angry with me for not checking on my own and went to the house herself.

Well, while she was out, Mr. Boozle and I met and signed everything he told me to. After he left, my wife came home and told me that she spoke with the couple who owned that house and they told her that they never heard of Mr. Boozle and had no intention of selling their home to anybody.

I demand that you return all my money and that you fire Mr. Boozle! I also demand a million dollars, and that you make those people give me that house, for all the trouble I have been through.
If you don't, I just happen to know the third cousin of the secretary of the most powerful lawyers in town, Fraud & Shyster. I'll sue you and take ownership of every home you have to sell! And if that doesn't work, I'll burn that house to the ground! If I can't have it, nobody can!

Mr. Todd L. Flake.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Flake,

I checked and we don't have an employee named Bam Boozle. Therefore, we will refund your money and the police have been notified about your threat and the fake employee.

Sincerely,

H. O. Using
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

Where do you get off making customers fill out lottery forms if they don't want quick picks? My list of numbers should be good enough. I demand you tell your lottery employees to stop being lazy and do the lottery the way the customer wants. If you don't, I will take my business to a store that doesn't require customers to fill out the lottery slips.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Lottery

[Tyg3rW01f]

To the ill-advised Mrs. Lot

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Rav9ijyyZk

Our... Best wishes...
Big-Box Grocery

==========================

BEFORE I get cited for this, this is a paraphrase of an ACTUAL Letter to the Editor written to the Knoxville News Sentinel newspaper about the 148th anniversary of the Battle of Fort Sanders.

KNS Editor,
HOW DARE YOU PERPETRATE THE LIE THAT THE GLORIOUS CONFEDERACY LOST THE BATTLE OF KNOXVILLE!!! Every TRUE child of the great Confederacy knows we NEVER lost a battle; it was all anti-southern political propaganda that we lost the War of Southern Independence at all, much less a single battle!
In fact, go read your history.
We had the forts surrounding Knoxville occupied by the best troops in the state of Tennessee! WE held those forts through the entire war, and never lost more than 500 men the entire war! How DARE you INSULT your readers by posting this RAG on the so-called "Battle of Fort Sanders", claiming it was a Yankee fort, and our greatest general, Longstreet was an idiot and sent 13000 loyal southern gentlemen to their unneeded and wasteful deaths!
You, Sirs, are going to face a lawsuit for the defamation of the Confederacy.

((and here is where I take extra liberties))
Signed
Uned Ucate Didiot

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Didiot,

Enclosed is a list of night schools. I would recommend you select the history class.

Sincerely,

N. ewspaper
Editor



Dear School Principal,

Where do you get off closing the school because of an ice storm? In my day, we went to school in all kinds of weather. I demand you keep the school open during all kinds of weather and make your students come to school even if it means they have to walk like I had to in my day. If you don't, I will break into the bus area and slash all of the tires.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Oldschool

[XCashier]

Dear Mrs. Oldschool,

Have you forgotten when we went to school together? The schools always closed when there was bad weather, despite what you claim. Not that you'd have noticed; I remember you calling in sick when there were light showers in the forecast!

I also couldn't help but notice that your letter was postmarked on the first sunny day after the ice storm, nor that you are now driving a top-of-the-line, all-wheel-drive, all-terrain vehicle. If you can't handle rough weather conditions, you hypocrite, what makes you think grade school children can?

Your request is denied. And if I see you around our school bus lot, I will immediately sic the dogs on you. They'll keep you...entertained...while I call the police.

Sincerely,
Ann Clement-Weather, principal,
Safety First Primary School

* * * * *

Dear Hotel Manager,

You advertise your place as "your home away from home". What a load of garbage! Your commercials tell us to "kick off our shoes and settle in for a good night's sleep". Well, I did. I kicked my shoes through the window, ripped that horrible painting off the wall, cooked a can of beans in the microwave (so what if I didn't remove them from the can first!), took a dump on the floor because that toilet seat was too cold and left garbage everywhere.

Home away from home, my ass! You billed me several thousand dollars for "damages". What damages? I left your hotel room in the same condition my home is in!

I demand that you reverse the charges. In fact, I demand $1,000,000 for your false advertising!

Sincerely,
Phil Theeslob

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Theeslob,

We expect our guests to respect our rooms the same way you respect your home which you don't. We are not reversing the charges and you are banned from this hotel.

Sincerely,

R. E. Spect
Manager



Dear Driving School Manager,

Where do you get off not allowing me to apply for a driver's license just because I'm 12? I'm a high school senior since I skipped a few grades and since everyone else drives in my grade then I should too. I demand you give me a driver's license so I can be accepted by my classmates. If you don't, I will tell my parents that you were mean to me.

Sincerely,

Wanda Fitin

[Kristev]

Dear Miss Fitin,

You are only 12. It's neither legal nor safe for you to drive. It's fantastic that you're a girl genius, but even geniuses must obey the law. I will allow you to sit in on some of the classes, that much I'll do for you. But you can't touch the steering wheel or attempt to drive.
On the other hand, you don't need to rush your life so fast. You're twelve. I know it's hard to wait four more years, especially since you're out of step with your peers, but each age has its own wonders and blessings. And remember, teenagers are not the best people to be learning from. They don't really know what they're doing yet and are at the peak of their hormonal drives, something you'll learn about soon enough. Be patient. Acceptance by a pack of high school teenagers is, though it feels like it, far less important than proving yourself ready for college. I can see it in you. If you'd like, we can help, for we teach more than driving.

Sincerely,

Prof. Ed U. Cation,

Owner and director of AlphaBest Academy.

Dear Bed & Bath From the Beyond,

I went to your new store that just opened up in our area, and we found the most wonderful things there. The scents were heavenly, and so I bought them all, from Angel Kiss Apricot bodywash to Leprechaun Lavender perfume, and of course the Ghost-grown Gardenia hand lotion and, most importantly, the Wily Witch Watermelon shampoo.

The thing is, while my wife loved the other products and said she felt like her spirit had been touched by the light by using them, I stayed home and and slept on the other thing I bought from your store - the Satan sheets.

It was the most hellish night I ever had! I kept having horrible dreams of being mistreated by demons, of being burned all night, of being reminded of everything I'd done wrong, including grabbing that package of sheets from the "Do not purchase; display only" section!

When I awoke the next morning, I was even more tired, and tormented, than I was when I went to bed! And we had ghosts show up! They didn't bother my wife - they were friendly to her. But they tormented me, broke my mirror, levitated me across the room, bent my spoons! It was awful!

I demand that you take these sheets back and refund my money, and that you instead give me, for free, the Eternal Rest bedspread that I also saw in the "Do not purchase" section, though if you'd get rid of the hand of Death on it I'd be very happy. And a million dollars! Oh, yes, I also demand that you give my wife a lifetime supply of the products.

If you don't, I'll capture your entire staff and tie them to stakes, then light a torch and burn your whole store down with your staff still in it, then call in every exorcist there is to drive you and the spirits you all came in with out of town!

Sincerely,

Mr. Lott Ofsins.

[JustaCashier]

Dear Mr. Ofsins, due to the.......uniqueness...... of our stores, and products we sell, we have implemented many various policies and safeguards to ensure that those that are of the faint of heart do not buy certain items in our product line, so as not to be traumatized by them. These items are in a separate, closely monitored, clearly marked area, similar to an Adult Section of a Magazine Store, or the Liquor Section of a Grocery Store. Every purchase from that Department, must be paid for in that Department, and all Customers are required to sign a Release, stating they understand and accept our Policy, and absolve us of all responsibility, should they unfortunately be negatively affected. You signed such a form, which I have in front of me right now.

Also, in checking your various Social Media Accounts, and the Websites you link to in them, it appears that what happened to you is the type of thing you greatly enjoy, and very frequently participate in.

Oh, and by the way, you also proudly boasted on one of those Accounts, that you were going to try to scam us.

So, your request is denied, and your threats have been forwarded to the Police, and you will likely be cuffed, shackled, and be given a "Spit-Hood" to wear, based on the severity of your threats.

Enjoy!

B. E. Elzebub, Manager; Hell's Passion Section; Bed & Bath From the Beyond.


==============

Dear Bus Company Manager Person,

Okay, so I got my "Ohhhhhhhhhw-nuh" Bus Card, as you so rudely forced me to do.

So, now, I'm really trying to learn your stupid Bus System, since my Driver's License was stolen from me by the Police, for supposedly being "impaired" after drinking a fifth of 151 Rum, and then driving to the Store to get a couple more bottles.

Anyway, I stepped on a Route Number 69, and the Driver asked me, and I quote; "Where do you get off, Ma'am?" I was appalled!!

I replied; "How DARE you make a pass at me!" And then I slapped the pervert!

Knowing he was "caught", he made up some bald-faced lie, about the bus being re-routed due to an incident blocking one portion of the Route.

To make matters worse, he stopped a block over from my destination when I rang the bell, mumbling something about that being as close as he could get, what with the re-route.

I demand this Drive be Fired, AFTER going through intense, Sexual Harassment Training!

Oh, and you better change that Route Number! It is sooooooo VILE!


Most Disgustingly,
N. Titled

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Titled,

What you did was assault so the driver doesn't have to go through sexual harrassment training since he wanted to know where he could let you off. Also, there is construction being done on a part of the usual route so he wasn't lying. We also won't change the bus number since it'll confuse a lot of people. We have sent the letter to the police so you'll get what you deserve.

Sincerely,

T. R. Ansportation



Dear Supermarket Manager,

When I was being checked out, your rude checker smiled but refused to speak to me. I told her that she needs to learn to speak to customers and the bagger had the nerve to tell me that the checker was mute. That checker needs to be fired since she shouldn't work in a job where talking is required. If you don't, I will spray paint on the wall that you hire mute people.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Talker

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Talker

We have no objection to hiring people with disabilities, since they usually prove to be far better workers than perfectly normal people. We do, however, have objections to someone who threatens to commit vandalism simply out of spite. How would you like it if we came up to your house and threatened to spray paint on your walls that you're a discriminator, and not in the good way?

Goodbye, Mrs. Talker. We can do without you and your rudeness, and your cell phone usage while you're being helped.


Sincerely,

Ms. Bess Bossin Theworld, Supermarket Manager.

Dear Rubberroom Mercantile,

I went to your store with my trusty old baseball bat and blowtorch and decided to test a brand new product that I saw in your store, Tougherware food service and storage containers, which promised in their television ads to be tougher than Tupperware, and able to take much, much more punishment and last for five years longer.

Well, before I go and throw my money away on something new, I like to test it first. So I went to your store and found the Tougherware isle. Then I took my knife, my bat, and my blowtorch, and tested every single piece of Tougherware that you had in your store. I knocked it off the shelves, I kicked it, stomped on it.

The next thing I know, a man decks me because he said I threw a piece of Tougherware at his son, and almost burned his daughter with my blowtorch. How dare he put his hands on me?

Naturally, I was about to counter-attack him with my blowtorch, but it ran out of fuel at just the wrong time. What a shame.

So, I demand that you pay me fifty thousand dollars, half for false advertising since the Tougherware only put up with an hour of my testing before it broke, as where the Tupperware withstood forty-five minutes in my microwave oven! And half for the trauma I suffered from that horrible man punching me in the face! He gave me a black eye, and he took my bat and snapped it, so I want a new baseball bat, too!

If you don't give it to me, I know the temperature it takes to melt all rubber products, and now I know the temperature it takes melt Tougherware, too, and I'll go to your store and turn all of your products to goo with my refueled blowtorch! Then I'll just help myself to all the money in your cash register and safe. And you people just try and pry your store's doors open once all that rubber's melted.

Signed,

Mr. Bat T. Bersurrker.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Bersurrker,

We are pressing charges for vandalism and the other customer is pressing charges for assault against his children. Your requests are denied and you are banned from my store.

Sincerely,

C. Ontainter
Manager



Dear Chief of Police,

Where do your rude officers get off telling my friends and I that the party's over? All we did was play loud music at full volume and have loud conversations. I demand you stop sending officers to ruin parties and tell them to find some real criminals to arrest. If you don't, my friends and I will throw a party right outside the station and play loud, offensive music at full volume.

Sincerely,

P. Artier

[BigBird]

Dear Mr. Artier

Sorry to hear that the party is over, but sadly your grandmother's care home has a strict policy that visitors must leave by 7:00 pm. In addition to the curfew violation, we had complaints from several residents wondering who had in fact let the dogs out and where they presently were, as indicated by your song lyrics. Also, addressing their 68 year old security guard/janitor Carl as a "punk assed bitch," when he politely asked you to leave was uncalled for. So next time you go visit grandma, please do so in a timely manner, and leave the attitude, and boombox, at home.

Signed,

Officer I.M. Ncharge

PS-Pull up your pants. Your SpongeBob underwear is showing.
PPS-And don't try to deny that you and your friends broke into the kitchen and stole all the pudding cups on your way out. We know it was you.
PPSS-We would be happy to host a gathering of yourself and friends in the parking lot of our station. It will be so much easier to arrest all you Justin Bieber wannabes from that location.




Dear Person in Charge of Mart of Wal Minions:

I would like to say that I am your biggest customer, and spend thousands, if not hundreds of dollars there daily. So imagine my shock and horror when I went through the 15 items or less line, only to be told by one of your minions that I had more than 15 items, and therefor would have to use a regular checkout line! And even after I pointed out that multiple items of the same product could be rung in at once, and therefore the 12 boxes of cereal I had should only count as one item, as would the 10 bags of dog food, etc, she still insisted that I use a regular checkout. The nerve! Added to the this the difficulty I had in maneuvering myself and my three carts of groceries back through the lineup, then having to wait an additional 15 minutes at a regular checkout, I think it's only fair that I be compensated with a $500 gift card and a year's supply of strawberry milkshakes and french fries from the Mart of Wal McDonalds. In addition, I demand you retrain all your minions in proper check out math, as they all seem to be doing it wrong.

Sincerely,
Id D. It

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. It,

We remember you well. After that fit you threw requiring the S. W. A. T. team to show up and restrain you, there's no way we could ever forget you, not even with all the brain bleach in the world.

We know you, using hundreds and thousands of coupons, most of which are printed off the Internet and are completely invalid. Other shoppers see you in line and either groan or leave the store.

Yes, you did go through the 15 items or less line, but the shock and horror was entirely ours, for you not only broke the rules by having 50 items, but the way you maneuvered your cart so that you could deliberately damage our displays and ram into three separate people, two employees and one shopper . . . then when you pulled out that gun and threatened our cashier for refusing to honor your made-up coupons . . .

No. We have no intention of giving you 500 anything, but we will retrain our staff. We're going to have them take martial arts classes so they can deal with unwelcome shoppers like you. Ban Voyage!

Sincerely,

Ms. Nojel E. Fish, front end assistant manager.

Dear Vampire Vacuums,

I went to your store the other day because I just loved your commercial, where a beautiful woman's home was absolutely ruined by a wild wind that brought in a sandstorm, and woman came by selling vacuum cleaners. But when the homeowner was declining her guest, the saleswoman untied her hair, revealed herself to be a vampire, and used the vacuum cleaner to suck all the dirt from the sandstorm out of the woman's home, leaving it so clean it sparkled.

Your store has a cardboard cutout of the vampire woman, holding a vacuum, with dust bunnies running away from it in fear and terror, or trying to but unable to get away from the suction.

Well, I bought your best vacuum cleaner at that store, and I bought your most expensive model, even though she kept telling me she didn't like me and did not want me to take her anywhere, and that she was not for sale. I showed her the receipt and forced her to go with me anyway.

Well, I take your vacuum cleaner, and your model, home, and demand that she reenact your commercial for me in my very own home. Well, she takes the vacuum, starts it, and then tells me "look, it's a sandstorm!" Naturally, I get excited and look out the window. The next thing I know, she's hit me over the head with the vacuum, leaving blood running down my neck! That horrible woman must have bitten me!

Anyway, by the time I'm back on my feet, she's run away to the neighbor's house, saying something about "kidnapping, call 911 . . ." I'm not sure what she said, but I do know my neighbor let her in to the house.

All I know is that a few minutes later, the police are pounding on my door, while a female paramedic and the vacuum store's manager are tending to the model, and the model keeps screaming to the cops and pointing at me "That's the one! He's the creep!"

Now I've been arrested for a number of charges. I demand that you drop all charges, replace the broken vacuum, make that woman marry and serve me, and give me a million dollars! Oh yes, and cure the vampirism she inflicted on me by biting me on the neck!

Signed

Mr. Dan Jerous Hunter.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Hunter,

You kidnapped one of our employees and tried to force her to do things against her will. We will replace the vacuum but all of your other requests are denied.

C. L. Ean
Manager



Dear Grocery Store Manager,

Where do you get off putting my daughter on mandatory? All she did was believe customers when they claimed that they didn't get their change since I drilled it into her that the customer is always right. I demand you take her off mandatory at once. If you don't, I will come to your store wearing nothing which you can't do anything about since the customer is always right.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Gullible

[wolfie]

Dear Mrs. Gullible,

Your daughter is no longer on mandatory - on reviewing the security footage, we have terminated her employment and referred the matter to the police. Despite our policy of "cashiers are not permitted to check out relatives closer than 2nd cousin", we found that she checked you out, and apparently TWICE in the same transaction (pack of gum purchased with a $100 bill, which she did NOT put through the counterfeit detector, and which turned out to be counterfeit) you "didn't get your change". As a result of this, she wound up giving you nearly $300 in change for a counterfeit $100 bill.

Since the police officers who we spoke to were talking about "conspiracy to commit fraud", there's a high probability that you and your daughter will be sharing a jail cell.

Sincerely,
Manager with a spine

Dear satellite TV company,

Roughly 6 months ago I signed up for your service on a 2 year contract. In the meantime, developers have built a high-rise on the property next door, blocking line-of-sight between my balcony (building regulations prohibit dish installation except on balconies) and the satellite. This has left me unable to make use of your service. I request that you either cancel my service without an ETF, or fix things so that my service works again. I believe this can be accomplished by installing a GBU-10 on the new building.

Sincerely,

Frustrated customer