The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Butt,

There seems to be an error here. We do not sell any corncob strap-ons. Stable Supply next door does sell a dried ear of corn on a rope, apparently it's a treat for chickens. Perhaps you went there, instead?

Sincerely,
Phil Latio, manager, Ye Olde Porne Shoppe

* * * * *

Dear Fabric Store Manager,

I wanted to make this beautiful dress, but your employee was not helpful at all. She refused to stop ringing up the long line of people to help me find a pattern, no matter how politely I snapped my fingers at her, insisting that I had to read the pattern books! Then after I bought the pattern, it had nothing but a bunch of paper in it! No thread, no fabric, no notions, nothing! I had to go back to the store and buy all this extra stuff! And to top it off, your employee wouldn't sew the dress for me, or even cut out the pieces, just a length of fabric!

This is horrible service. I demand a gift card for the nearest Macy's and that employee's severed head on a plate.

Yours truly,
Ida Wanna-Sew

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Ms Wanna-Sew,

You seem to be labouring under the delusion that we employ servants, rather than shop assistants. If you wish to hire a maid to sew your dress for you, I would advise you to look in the appropriate slot in the newspaper to see if there are any available. Due to this error of yours, we will not be sending you a gift card.

Yours,

Fabric Store Manager.

~~~

Dear Manager of Shopmart,

I am utterly disgusted with one of your employees. I wanted someone to carry my shopping to the car, so I patted the shoulder of what I thought was a young lady in order to get their attention so that they may assist me. They turned round and I found to my horror that the young lady was in fact a young man. Why do you allow your male employees to look like dirty layabouts by allowing them to grow their hair? I demand a gift card, and also for the employee to be forced to have a short back and sides before he comes back to work.

Yours, Mrs Oldbat.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Oldbat:

That "dirty layabout" happens to be one of our best employees, and we find nothing wrong with his hairstyle or the hairstyles of any of our employees.

Instead of fishing for freebies, I think your time might be better spent torture-testing laxatives or planning your funeral or something.

Yours,
Shopmart Manager

================================================== =====================

Dear Gum Manufacturer:

My son recently saw your commercial with the farting penguins and thought that by releasing his flatulence he could fly.

So he jumped off our third-floor balcony while farting. He's now in a coma.

Pay for my son's medical bills and put a warning in your commercials that farting does not enable one to fly.

Ima Ted Gassy

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Dear Mr. Gassey-

I'm very sorry to hear of your son's misfortune, however, we do not feel that your son's actions were caused by viewing our commercial.

We did receive the medical records and due to the fact that lab tests showed your son had cocaine and alcohol as well as marijuana in his bloodstream at the time he was admitted to the hospital, we will not be paying one cent toward his lack of judgment.

I suggest you take up the situation pertaining to the medical bills with your insurance company.

Regards-

I. R. Serius

Vice-President

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Dear Lube Guys-

Last week I took my car in for the 29.99 oil change/tune up special only to be given a higher price.

It shouldn't matter that I have a 6 figure bank account and drive a Mercedes that costs more than you'll ever make in 20 years . . . I'm entitled to the special and that's what I want.

And if I don't get the special, then I'm going to every tv station in the area and tell them all about your false advertising.

You have a week to respond or I'll start by contacting Channel 9 wants to know.

Mr. Schmalldick

[Grape The Cat]

Dear Mr. Schmalldick:
Our employees could not perform the $29,99 service on your car because your requires special oil and filters. If our employees did perform the service on your car, it might have damaged the car's engine. Therefore, your requests are denied. By the way, I own a Mercedes.

Sincerely ,

Jermaine Carr
Oil/Lube Customer relations

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Dear Gas station manager,

I recently went to one of your stations and I had a horrific experience. I got out of my car to fill up the tank and I saw a no smoking sign! Excuse me??? I am the customer I can smoke wherever I want. When i asked your employee why you had such Gestapo measures, she told me it was for "safety reasons".That's a load of crap, you just want to violate my civil rights by restricting my right to smoke. I will be contacting the state attorney general, and all the news media unless you remove your draconian policies and give me free gasoline for life.
Sincerely
Hugh Jim Bissel

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Bissel,

It's illegal to smoke at gas pumps because it could cause a fire and the gas station could burn down. Anyone you care to contact will tell you the same thing so your free gas will be denied.

Sincerly,

Gas Store Manager



Dear Convience Store Manager,

I was pumping gas so I sent my 8 year old daughter inside the store to buy my cigarettes for me. Your rude employee refused to honor the note I sent in with my daughter. I had to come in and buy the cigarettes myself. I want the rude employee fired and a case of free cigarettes. Also, I had my daughter take a soda without paying for it. I also pulled the hose out of my car and drove off without paying for the gas.

You need to start honoring these types of notes. If you don't, I will never shop here again.

Sincerely,

Cig. R. Ette

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Ette:

Thank you for admitting to several felonies.

Thanks further for providing us your home address via the return address label on your envelope. We have contacted the local police in your area.

Sticking it to the man: You're doing it wrong.

Regards:

Laffin M. Ashoff

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Dear IKEA:

My son bought several pieces of furniture from you for my house. It all came disassembled. How can you expect an 80-year-old woman such as myself to put together such heavy furniture by herself?

Sell assembled furniture or offer assembly service. And also give me a $500 gift card for my trouble.

Ima Feeb

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mrs. Feeb,

Sorry, but we don't offer that kind of service. Your gift card has been denied.

Sincerely,

IKEA Manager



Dear Mini Mart Manager,

I don't appreciate you having me arrested for putting a lighter in my purse. They were only $1 and you have plenty of them and can always buy more. I demand you drop the charges against me since you had no right to have me arrested for taking a lighter. I also want an $800 gift card to make up for being humiliated in public or I will set your store on fire.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Lighter

[Grape The Cat]

Dear Mrs. Lighter,
You were arrested for shoplifting. The price of the item is irrelevant, you stole from our store and that was the reason you were arrested. Your gift card request is denied, as it was your actions that led to you being "humiliated in public" , also in light of your threat to burn down our store, we have forwarded your letter to the police.
Sincerely,

N.O. Bull
store manger

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear manager:
I went to one of your stores yesterday and was appalled at the level of service. I had an empty bottle of face cream, which did not work for me. I was only past your return window by two lousy weeks. I was offered a gift card, i did not pay with a gift card I paid with my Visa. I am a mature, educated, proud woman
and your employees are idiots. I want cash back or a refund on my Visa card, I also would like all the employees I talked to fired and a $1,000 gift card to make up for the poor service I received. If I do not get these things I will never shop at your store again.
Sincerely,

Ima Snob

[XCashier]

Dear Ima,

You say you will never shop at our store again. May we get that in writing?

Sincerely,
Vertie Brate, store manager

*****

Dear store manager,

I was in your store doing some shopping on Christmas Eve. Your employee said they were closing the store at 6 PM and asked me to take my things to the cashier. Well, that's not my problem, I had so many people to shop for, and I do like to take my time. So what if it was 10:30 when I got to the cash register? Your employees had no right to be so rude to me! They're only store employees, who cares about them? I am the CUSTOMER!

Then, after ringing up my 300 items, they had the nerve to get annoyed with me when three of my credit cards were declined! I cannot believe I was treated so badly, and on Christmas Eve, too! Don't your employees have any Christmas spirit? I want a $100,000 gift card to make up for my humiliation, and to be allowed to shop at all hours. Also, I want those employees drawn and quartered. You can get new trained monkeys anywhere!

Sincerely,
Ida Knott-Care

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Knott-Care,

Your inconsideration for our closing time has caused our employees to be paid overtime and cost them time with their own families. Because of this, we will not give you a gift card and you will be escorted to the checkout if you ever ignore our closing announcements again.

Sincerely,

Store Manager



Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I went to an empty checkout, put my stuff on the belt, and no one came over to serve me. After waiting for 5 minutes, I spotted an employee and demanded that she ring me up. She had the nerve to tell me that the drawer had been pulled and that I would have to go to an open checkout. I told her to get the drawer and she refused. I want this employee fired for being rude to me and a $200 gift card to make up for the humiliation I suffered. Also, I want you to tell your employees not to pull any drawers until after the store is closed.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Special

[Grape The Cat]

Dear Mrs Special:
That particular register was empty because it was closed. The employee you mentioned was on her way to a meal break and thus could not help you without getting locked out of our system. Your requests for the employee's termination and a $200 gift card are declined.
Sincerely,

Justin Thyme
Store manager
---------------------------------------

Dear Aid of Rite manager:
I was in your store yesterday and had to deal with disgusting people. They were overweight, as a lifelong advocate of non-disgusting people I find it appalling that i should have to share a line with such people. From now on I demand that two lines be set up one for disgusting people and one for non-disgusting people such as me. To make up for the hideous emotional trauma caused by having to be around people that disgusting I demand a $2,500 gift card, if you do not respond to my demands i will contact the media.
Sincerely:

Bea Yotch

[fireheart]

Dear Bea Yotch,

Unfortunately we are unable to determine the criteria that would require customers to be segregated, furthermore that would be in breach of the law. That said, while we are unable to provide the $2500 gift card, we have instead provided two men in white coats to get you to a place where there are no more "disgusting people" as you refer to them. Also good luck contacting the media-this special place does not allow contact with anyone except for family and friends.

Sincerely,

Ms. Awe. Some.

Dear Store Manager,

I was in your store the other day when I saw a woman lift her baby out of its pram, open her shirt, drape a sarong over the baby and let her baby breastfeed in FRONT OF EVERYBODY! I don't care if the baby is hungry, I can't whip my boobs out in public so why should she be allowed to breastfeed in public? I don't care if she's covered up and discreet, I demand that you give me free groceries for life to compensate for the trauma I had to witness for seeing this horrible display. If you do not give me this gift card I will not only never shop here again, but I will also contact the media and the ACCC and tell them how horrible you are.

Sincerely,

Ms. In. Considerate.

(Note=ACCC is the government body who investigates consumer affairs in Ausland)

[Wenchie]

Dear In. Considerate,

Unlike whatever hole you crawled out of, breastfeeding is legal in public here in Australia. Though many stores are not supportive of breastfeeding mothers, we here at Mother-Baby Central provide a safe place for mothers to feed their children while shopping for their specific needs.

Speaking of which, what part of "This is not a grocery store" did you miss? Unless you serve nursing bras or pumps for tea, I would suggest that you haul ass down to Coles and stop staring at my cleavage before you give your sexuality away.... not that we have a problem with the fact that you're a closeted lesbian, but you're creeping out the new mothers.

Good bye and good riddence,

Mai Boo Bees
Store Manager

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dEAR INTERNET COMPANY,

i AM VERY DISPLEASED!!! tODAY i CALLED YOUR OFFICE BECAUSE i WAS NOT ABLE TO LOG IN TO MY ONLINE BANKING PROGRAM, AND IT MUST BE YOUR FAULT SINCE YOU PROVIDE MY INTERNET AND OBVIOUSLY THE INTERNET WASN'T WORKING CORRECTLY IF i COULDN'T LOG IN. yOUR REPRESENTATIVE (AND NOT A VERY GOOD ONE IF i MIGHT ADD) HAD THE NERVE TO INSINUATE THAT MY CAPS LOCK MIGHT BE ON AND THAT i MIGHT BE TYPING MY PASSWORD IN INCORRECTLY!!! hOW DARE HE!!! oBVIOUSLY i KNOW WHAT i'M DOING BECAUSE i HAVE MULTIPLE DEGREES AND IF HE HAD A DEGREE HE WOULD HAVE A real JOB INSTEAD OF WORKING THERE!!

aLL I WANTED FOR HIM TO DO WAS CALL MY BANKING SYSTEM AND GET IT FIXED FOR ME BECAUSE i'M TOO IMPORTANT TO CALL THEM AND IT WAS HIS FAULT ANYWAY, i'M SURE. bUT HE REFUSED AND RUINED MY entire DAY!!! hE SHOULD BE FIRED IMMEDIATELY AND i SHOULD RECEIVE A CREDIT ON MY BILL FOR THE INCONVENIENCE... i THINK A CREDIT OF 9 MONTHS FREE INTERNET SHOULD BE SUFFICIENT FOR ME TO KEEP MY SERVICE WITH YOUR COMPANY.

A VERY IMPORTANT CUSTOMER:

b. iTCH.

[XCashier]

!

Dear b. iTCH,

Now that my eyes have stopped ringing, I can answer your letter. Take a look at your keyboard. Look all the way to the left side. No, the other left. Look, hold your hands straight out, palms facing away from you, with your index finger and thumb pointing out. See the one that looks like the letter "L"? That is your left. Now, look at that side of the keyboard, right in the middle on the edge of the left side.

You see that key that says, "Caps Lock"? Press it once. No, just once. Press it until the little light titled "A" goes off. Good. Now your capital letters are unlocked and you should have no trouble signing in to your account with the caps-sensitive password.

Thank you.
Ura Schmuck, Eye-Dee-Ten-Tee Technical Support

*****

Dear fabric store manager,

I went shopping the day after Thanksgiving because I wanted to get those fantastic deals you had advertized. The lines were ridiculous. I had to wait two hours in a line that wrapped halfway around the store. Then when I got to the cutting counter, the cutter wouldn't give me 15 quarter yard cuts from each of the 43 bolts of fabric I'd chosen! It's not like I asked a lot! She said it would hold up the line. To hell with them, I waited, they can wait!

Then to top it off, it turns out I'd have to stand in another line to pay for it! Well, that's ridiculous. I dumped my fabric on the floor and stormed out. I demand a $100,000 gift card for my trouble and from now on, don't let anyone else shop there when I'm there!

Sincerely,
Ann Titlement-Queen