The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Snotty,

The bridge was out because there was a major accident. If you destroy the north exit, we'll have you arrested. The bridge will be open once everything's cleared. Your request for 3 million dollars is denied.

Sincerely,

S. H. Opper
Manager



Dear Amish Community,

I came to visit your community and was offended to find that there was no place to charge my cell phone while having lunch at one of your restaurants. Don't you realize that we're in the 21st century? I demand you update your community at once. If you don't, I will burn down your silo since silos belong in the 19th century.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Modern

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Modern,

We have preserved our way of life for over 500 years. We are quite aware of what century this is. We do not believe that having electricity or telephones are good for the community. However, we have given your letter to the British Sheriff. Even though we do not use violence ourselves, we will ask for protection.

Sincerely,

Jebediah Fischer

-----

Dear Pillar,

I listened to your music when I heard it. The song was called "Fireproof."

I know what you're up to. You're trying to convince people that they are fireproof, so they light themselves and maybe their houses on fire. Then they would have to go to the hospital to recover from their burns and have to rebuild their houses. You're nothing more than shills for the health care and construction industries. I will find evidence of your evil trickery. Your day of reckoning is coming.

Sincerely,

Pare A. Noid

[Kristev]

Dear Pillar,

I'm writing to assure you that you have no need to worry about Mr. Noid any further. Thanks to his letter, we found him and have him back in our facility to ex . . . er, help him and treat him. He won't trouble you again because we fired the guard who helped him escape.

Signed,

Dr. X and Nurse Y.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear First Impressionism Bakery,

My daughter and I haven't spoken since she got serious about her man, Lancelot. I just couldn't stand her spending all her time with him, and even moving to the same city to be with him. But, my daughter called me the other day telling me that she and Lancelot were getting married, to each other, and as a gesture of good will, they decided to invite me to the wedding.

Well, not only did I agree to come in hopes of persuading her to call the whole thing off and come home with me, I offered to buy the cake. That made her happy. So on the day of the wedding, I stopped into your shop, which makes cakes and cookies as if they were works of art. And you had so many beautiful things. But I couldn't afford any of them, so you showed me your quickie cake discount catalogue, where the cakes are just ordinary cakes but take only a couple of hours instead of weeks, but cost virtually nothing.

I wasn't happy, but settled for a quickie cake and was given one. As I was leaving, a man and his partner walked into your shop. The partner walked up to your counter and asked if the cake was ready. Your shop girl then gives the partner a beautiful cake. It was a triple-stacked rainbow cake with doves all over it, and the only thing wrong was that it had two grooms at the top instead of a man and wife. The cake was so beautiful that your shop girl asked to take a photograph, which the man who came in with the partner allowed, since it was clear he was in charge. It was so lovely as to be indescribable, and I just had to have it . . .

I asked him if I could take that cake with me because, except for the two grooms, it would be perfect for what I needed. He replied that it was also what his soon to be partner felt that he needed, and that he was not going to break his partner's heart by taking away the cake because they were getting married in the morning.

At that point, your rude shop girl intervened, saying that these two had ordered this cake two and a half months in advance, to ensure that the cake was finished and that nothing went wrong with it.

Angered, first by the man and then by the shop girl, I finally lost my patience. As soon as the partner gave the cake to the man so that the partner could take out his debit card from his wallet, I implored the man for the cake, and he laughed at me. So, riled up as I was, I smashed the man in the face with the quickie cake, grabbed the beautiful work of art cake, and ran out the door.

My daughter and her new husband thought the cake was simply perfect, and they were so happy with me, until my daughter ate some. You see, the beautiful work of art cake turned out not to have any sugar in it, but instead artificial. And my daughter is deathly allergic to some artificial sweeteners.

But as soon as my daughter began to show signs of illness at the wedding reception, Lancelot rushed her to the hospital and I never saw her again; he wouldn't allow me to set foot in the room on grounds that he and my daughter both felt I had poisoned her to sabotage the wedding. Can you believe it? What an insult!

Well, I was right about that damned Lancelot. He's suing me on my daughter's behalf for her medical bills and the ruined reception, so I'm suing you for what your inedible cake caused, not to mention my pain and suffering and humiliation!

I demand that you give me complete and total ownership of your bakery, and a million dollars besides. If you don't, I'll say that you make poison cakes on purpose, and I'll tell every paper, television station, and all my friends on Falsebook about your evil deeds!

But since you do make poison cakes, I would love it if you'd send a special cake to Lancelot, just for him . . . He just adored vanilla and cherry mixed together. Can't think why.

Angrily yours,

Ms. Jill Uss.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Uss,

The cake you stole was a diabetic cake since the groom's partner is a diabetic. Therefore, you won't get anything but a ban from my store.

Sincerely,

B. Aker
Manager



Dear Makeup Store Manager,

You had no right to have me arrested and my parents called. All I did was put makeup in my schoolbag since I'm trying to fit in with the cool group at my school. These girls told me that shoplifting is cool. Thanks to you, my parents grounded me for two weeks. I demand you drop the charges, make my parents unground me, and make the cool girls let me into their group. If you don't, I will post on Facebook once my grounding ends that you're against cool people.

Sincerely,

Wanda B. Cool

[Kristev]

Dear Miss Wanda B. Fool,

You were punked by the kids who told you that shoplifting was cool. How could you be so stupid? I understand the teenage desire to be part of the in-crowd. We all went through it growing up. But being wise is far more important in the end. Better to learn that lesson now, while you're still a kid, before you make a more serious mistake later in life and get really hurt. Not that I'm making light of over one hundred dollars worth of stolen make-up.

We have no authority over your parents and their punishments over you. However, we have agreed with your parents to drop the charges in exchange that you work off the cost of the make-up you stole. Your father thinks, and I agree, that a good, strict job (away from the register, of course) will teach you more than a conviction will. Hopefully, one night in jail is enough for you. Now, if you steal from us again, that's another matter and we won't be so forgiving . . .

Part of the point is to help you see just how much of an illusion being beautiful, and being cool, really is. The other part is to make you grow up a bit and learn some responsibility. We'll expect you to work a half-hour after school, and yes, I will personally pick you up from school and drop you off at home when your shift is over. After all, you are still grounded.

Signed,

Ms. Seckhand Chanze,

Manager of Cosmictics Stoppe.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Dragon, owner of Killer Workouts,

I went with my friends to try out your gym, but we were immediately put through a ringer. We were forced to do strenuous exercise for an hour by one of the Dragon Ladies, the team of personal trainers who are relentless. They did let one of my friends stop when she got hurt, but they told the rest of us we had to keep on with our workout until the hour was up.

I broke a nail and broke a sweat.

I demand pampering for life, a free manicure, free coffee with sugar, creamer, and all the fixings, not to mention cookies, ten million dollars, and the firing of your Dragon Ladies to be replaced by pampering attendants.

If you won't, I will come into your gym, flood it by overfilling your pool, and destroy all your workout equipment and your dragon-themed posters.

Signed,

Miss Bohnne Lazee.

[catcul]

Dear Miss Lazee,

When you came into our gym, we invited to join our beginner aerobics class since you indicated that it was your first time in a gym in a long time. You're supposed to break a sweat when you work out. That's why we have showers. We also advised you that you should cut your nails short because a broken nail is possible.

As for your demands, you should go to a spa instead. We have sent your letter to the police and have banned you from our gym since you have threatened us.

Sincerely,

Rose and Kaori, owners of Miss Dragon's Killer Workouts

-----

Dear Yellowstone National Park,

I recently stayed in your park. I have never been so rudely treated in my life. When I was in your campground, a bison wandered near my site. I decided that I wanted to take a selfie with that large animal. As I was lining up the shot, this hell-beast decided to flip me into a tree and stomp my phone into pieces. I had to go find a find a pay phone and call the Park Police to come arrest it. The rude person on the line told me that I shouldn't have been so close to it, and they won't arrest that thing.

Later, I was with my family when we found a brown bear. I decided that I wanted to take a picture of the bear with my 2-year-old son. So, I smeared honey all over his face and got out of the car. That's when that rude park policeman ran up to us and told us not to get any closer to the bear. He told me that if I didn't go clean my son's face off, he would ask me to leave the park. He caused my son to cry.

Even later than that, we decided to go see the geysers. I wanted to get a closer look at one of them. As i was about to step over the fence, another park policeman told me not to step over the fence. He said that I would damage the ground and scald my face off. How dare he threaten me?

You really need to retrain your staff about being polite around me and my family. I demand $2 million and a new cell phone. If you don't, I will kill the animals with a high-power rifle.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Maux Ran Dumass

[XCashier]

Dear Mrs. Dumass,

Do yourself and everyone else a huge favor; do research before you go someplace. Yellowstone Park is not Disneyland. This is actual wilderness with actual wild animals, not painted backdrops and actors in costumes. Wild animals are just that; wild. As in, not tame. As in, will see you and any human as a threat and defend themselves. They do not follow the rules of civilization, but their own instincts.

You placed your child in serious danger by smearing honey on him and trying to bait a bear, a highly dangerous animal who would have killed your child. We have your license plate number and video evidence, and have forwarded it to the police. Expect a call from CPS in your near future.

Sincerely,
Will Derness
Yellowstone National Park

* * * * *

Dear Store Manager,

I was ringing out and telling your cashier Maria what a fantastic president Ronald Chump would make. She sighed but said nothing. I demanded to know what she thought, and she said she didn't discuss politics while at work.

Look, I want to tell the whole world that Ronald Chump would be the best president ever, and I will not rest until everyone agrees with me! Your stupid girl cashier has no business not agreeing with me! She must be one of them illegals who'd get shipped out. I demand that you fire and deport her, and place my Ronald Chump for President signs in front of your store! America for the Americans!

Sincerely,
T. Party
Ronald Chump for World Leader

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Party,

Maria is from Puerto Rico, which makes her an American citizen. But because you tried to assault her, you are banned for life. However, you did make one change; because of what you did, my whole staff has decided to vote for Elizabeth Sanders.

Signed,

Ms. Orda Lee Store,

Manager of Superb Market.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Canta-Ford Motors,

I went to your car shop to buy a new car, only to discover that all of your cars cost several thousand dollars!
"Quality and craftsmanship are worth the price," said your salesman, Walt. "Our cars cost a lot but they don't break down for years unless you crash them, and as expensive as they are, you're not likely to do that purposefully."
So I bring in my old, sloppy jalopy as part of the payment, a trade-in, you know. And Walt takes one look at it and says that he'd give me 100 dollars for it, and that's being generous! Generous? My car is a treasure. It's just that it's lost the bumper and part of the hood, and the right mirror and the left door, and that it only runs every other Tuesday without a jump. How dare he claim my car isn't even safe to drive, let alone fit to trade in!

But he tells me that they have some other trade-ins for people like me, cars in the 500-1,000 dollar range that weren't made by Canta-Ford but were given to them by people who wanted those cars. He warned me that those cars are not Canta-Ford quality and that, though the mechanics have fixed them up, they have no guarantees or warranties, unlike the expensive cars he'd normally sell people.

I found a car that I just loved, and bought it outright, even ignoring Walt when he beseeched me to give it a test drive. I straight out bought it and took it off the lot.

But after I got home, when I wanted to take a midnight drive, the new car Walt sold me didn't run at all. No matter what I did, it wouldn't work.

I called Canta-Ford in the morning and was told that the check I paid with had been from a closed bank account and that they were coming to repo the car if I didn't make a real payment. Yeah, I used a check from an old bank because I didn't have enough money yet in my current bank. So what? Without a car I couldn't get home.

Well, not only am I not making any payments, I demand that this car be fixed for free, and that you give me a million dollars for my trouble! And that you fire Walt for misrepresentation. He lied to me and tricked me!

If you refuse, I will come up to your shop in the dead of night and simply take whatever car I want. Of course, I'll change the VIN number and the license plates, and probably have it painted.

Signed,

Oh no you don't! I'm not telling you who I am or what my address is. I've even sent this letter to you via fax so you won't have my home address. You have absolutely no way of knowing who I am or when I'll strike, so you'd better go ahead and fix this car for free, give me my money, and fire Walt. You can just call me Mr. E, though that's not at all my real name.

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Monty Threecard,

Yes, despite how you signed your letter, we do know your name and address, as it was on the check you wrote and the drivers license we copied for the paperwork. It was a simple matter to collect all the information, including the security video of your interaction with Walt, the horrendous condition of that thing you called your "jalopy" and your refusal to listen to Walt's advice, despite his working in the business for twenty years and owning his own garage before that.

And since you have threatened in writing to break the law, we are forwarding all the information, including your letter (with the handwriting that matches the handwriting on the contract exactly) to the police and our legal department. You are hereby banned from our establishment, and if we see you here again, you will be in very deep trouble.

Regards,
Emmanuel Canta, owner,
Canta Ford

* * * * *

Dear School Principal,

What's wrong with everyone at this school? Nobody has a sense of humor! Last Thursday I beat up Neville Nerdly, sure, but I was doing it ironically. I was just kidding, you know? Then Friday I took Peter Poor's lunch money. When he complained that he couldn't afford lunch now, I said, yeah, that's the point, don't you get it?

Seriously, what's wrong with everyone? Why am I in trouble? I was only kidding! Joking, funning, fooling around, you know? Why doesn't anyone get it? I shouldn't be in trouble! I demand that you and your staff all get a sense of humor. Oh, and let me off the hook and drop all charges.

Sincerely,
Billy Bully

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Bully,

What you did was aggravated assault and unarmed robbery. You even admitted what you did to Principal Sullivan. Those are not "joking," they are serious crimes that you will answer for. Just recently, a woman tried to get the governor to commute her sentence because burning a couch outside her ex-boyfriend's apartment was a joke. That "joke" killed 4 people when the apartment building burned to the ground.

We will seek a maximum sentence since you think committing felonies is a joke. We anticipate that the school board won't find it funny that a teacher is committing strong-arm robbery against his students.

Sincerely,

Stanford Cornell, Office of the District Attorney

-----

Dear Courtesan Clothing,

I decided that I needed some new lingerie for my new husband for our honeymoon. I really want to look good for him. I also heard that gluten was bad for men, so I wanted the gluten-free lingerie. The clerk said that they didn't have any gluten-free clothing. Thankfully, the manager came out and brought out lingerie that was gluten-free.

My husband, Hugh, really liked the way I looked. I'm pleased at the lingerie, but I think you need to train your staff better.

Sincerely,

Cousen Annie Rection

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Rection,

Gluten-free is a food condition, not a clothing condition. Perhaps we need to train our clientel better. It's wonderful that your husband liked the way you looked, and I'm sure you did look like a god to him.

But you must learn the difference between clothing and food.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Court E. San, owner of Court E. San's Clothing.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Hidden Bargains,

I swiped one of your classified ads from a woman who put it down when she was done with it, but when I went to read it, I was told that without a password, I was not allowed to read it. "After all, these are Classified ads.

How dare you make ads that the public can't read? I demand that you give me free and full access to all the ads, and everything in the ads that I want! And at least one million dollars for my trouble!

And if you don't, my sister's brother's cousin's step-daughter's uncle's best friend's hairdresser's mother is the third cousin twice removed to a powerful attorney! I'll sue you for discrimination! And if that doesn't work, we'll go on Wolf News and protest about your racist ads!

Signed

Miss Pearl White.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Miss White,

You need to be registered to access our ads so you won't get any money. If you sue for discrimination, we'll have you laughed out of court.

Sincerely,

B. Argain
Manager



Dear Phone Company Manager,

Where does your rude employee get off not giving me $400? My phone has been giving me problems and your rude employee was trying to get me to find out the problem. I told them what it was which should be enough. I demand you make your employees do their jobs properly or I will hack into your system and alter the payroll.

Sincerely,

Ann Titled

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Mrs Titled,

Lol. You think that we have a computer system here? How precious. Thanks to some rather savage cut backs, we're currently working our system out of a filing cabinet. As for your complaint, I was listening to your diatribe and honestly, your language would make a sailor blush. Therefore, I am cutting off your service until you either learn some manners or go elsewhere.

Have a nice day!

Sincerely, Phone Company Manager.

~~~

Dear Restaurant Owner,

I am disgusted at the rude woman you have working at your restaurant. I took my five year old son there yesterday and not only did we have to wait to be seated, but that bitch manager dared to yell at my little boy after he went into the kitchen to see what was happening there. How dare you crush his adventurous spirit by letting that infernal woman yell at him! I want all my meals comped for a year and for your manager to be sacked at once.

Yours,

Ms Mikidspoiled.

[Kristev]

Dear Ms. Mikidspoiled,

We here at Blackjack 21's have promised everyone who dines in our restaurant a fine, refined, if somewhat playing card oriented meal experience for precisely one reason: You must be 21 or up to eat here. This is a refuge for those who do not want to be bothered by children while they eat. That is why the business next door is a two-to-four hour childcare service, The Play Pen, which provides children with dinner and entertainment, but is staffed with trained babysitters.

Our manager was not yelling at your kid, she was yelling at you! See, you had been told three times that you were to take your kid and go, and two of our diners left because of your bratty child. We even offered to take your son ever to The Play Pen and pay for his time ourselves, but no, you wouldn't have it. And we do expect him to pay for the fish tank he broke on the way out.

Signed,

Queenie Ace, owner of Blackjack 21's.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear The Play Pen,

I brought my son, Georgie, who I personally love to call my little hellion because he's such a free spirit and I just love watching him play, to your business because my Mother was sick in the hospital and wanted to see me, but told me that she did not want me to bring Georgie. On the pretext of being so ill that she didn't want him to see how sick she was, she swore up and down several times on the phone, though I know that tone she was using. She also did prefer my brother's kids to my Georgie. I noticed his teenage daughter, Angel, was there at the hospital. Personally, I can't stand Angel. She's always so sweet and gentle. She held my Mother's hand the whole time she was there and kept trying to bolster her spirits. The only time she was gone was when she left to the gift shop to buy my Mother some flowers and hot chocolate. Suck up. I hate that child.

Anyway, what I'm writing about is because my Mother insisted that I not bring Georgie, I brought him to The Play Pen and they readily took him. The secretary, Miss Thorough, had a clipboard and a paper which she said all new clients had to fill out. It was quite intrusive, full of questions about how Georgie behaved, what he liked to do, if he preferred to be by himself or with other kids, what he liked to eat, if he had any food allergies or medical problems, was there an emergency contact in case I couldn't be reached. It really was quite irksome, but she said that she needed as much information as possible for Georgie's proper care, so I put up with it.

The trouble is what happened when I went to pick Georgie up. He wasn't there, and instead I got the third degree from your manager, Ms. Carrie Lott, who she really pissed me off. She told me that almost from the moment I left him, Georgie was really mad. He knocked over a shelf full of toys on top of another child, though at first the staff tried to calm Georgie and help him feel better, believing that he was scared and upset because he was alone and the place was unfamiliar. But then, Carry said, things only got worse.

He punch a little boy in the nose because he wouldn't give up the dump truck, and he made a little girl cry by taking her pizza and eating it after he ate all of his. Then he decided to run with scissors, but one of the trained babysitters put a stop to that. She took the scissors from him and put him in time out. Then Carry Lott called me, but of course I was too busy with my Mother in the hospital to answer the phone.

And while he was in time out, he escaped from the chair and ran to an electrical outlet. First, he removed the plastic safety plug-in cover and put it down the toilet, then he grabbed a little girl and was trying to put her pigtails into the outlet, while she kept screaming. Ms Lott came running at the first scream, pulled the girl away and handed her off to a babysitter, and then took my son straight to her office and kept him with her for the rest of the time. Georgie said she didn't give him anything to do after he threw the crayons she offered him at her, and so she spent her time keeping him with her and calling me repeatedly. Finally they called my ex-husband, who I listed as my emergency contact, and he called me and told me that I had to get Georgie and I had to get him now. I told him I couldn't. So he said he would, and he did.

My poor Georgie is traumatized! Not only was he subjected to cruel mistreatment by your staff, and to bullying by the other kids, but he also had to endure being spanked and punished by my ex-husband! It's going to take years of therapy to restore my son now and I expect The Play Pen to pay every last penny! I demand that you give me ten million dollars and free service at The Play Pen for life whenever I demand it, but that he be kept away from other children. Those spoiled brats aren't important and should be ignored anyway. They don't need the care and freedom that my son does. I further demand that you fire Ms. Lott, and stop demanding people fill out those intrusive questionnaires.

If you don't, I will come to The Play Pen and give all of the kids there Mountain Don't, the most caffeinated drink they ever made, and I will unleash a large litter of playful puppies who have not been housebroken. And then I will open the doors and let the kids run out into the street. You want 'em, you find 'em.

Furiously yours,

Miss Ivanna Sue Someone.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Miss Someone,

Your son could use some disipline in his life and your ex-husband did what he thought was best. Therefore, I recommend taking a parenting class and you and your son are banned until you complete the class.

Sincerely,

C. Hildren
Owner



Dear Cooking Show,

I saw one of your wonderful recipes and decided to try it out. I set the oven, put the food in, and left the house. I came back later and found that the food had been burned. You need to tell people not to leave the house when cooking your recipes or I will come to your show and burn down the kitchen.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Clueless