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  #611  
Old 02-02-2014, 12:36 AM
cindybubbles cindybubbles is offline
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Dear Mr. Coward:

How old are you again? 5? 10?

Because that's pretty much the only reason why you would be scared of our wrestlers. If we hired normal looking people, we wouldn't get enough people to watch, because our people like scary wrestlers pounding each other to the ground.

Your request is, therefore, denied.

Sincerely,

Ms. Hot Babe
Manager
Crushing Blows Wrestling

---------------------

Dear General:

My boyfriend STILL does not understand this "dishonorable discharge" thingie that he received from one of your captains. When he complained, he got this response instead!

I think it was VERY RUDE of the captain to call him "Private Pukeball!" And what's with him being with 11-year-old hos anyway? I'm the greatest good he's EVER gonna get!

I demand that you put him back in the army, and also hire me, so I can give those boyfriend-stealers the spanking of their lives!

Sincerely,

Hot Babe
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Last edited by cindybubbles; 02-02-2014 at 12:41 AM.
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  #612  
Old 02-02-2014, 01:04 AM
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catcul catcul is offline
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Location: North Carolina
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Dear Ms. Babe,

I guess your boyfriend, Private Parts, didn't tell you the entire story. He got two 11 year old girls pregnant. DNA testing proved that he was the father to both babies. Also, the mother of the third girl tried to catch her husband cheating on her. While she never caught her husband, she did catch Private Parts have sex with her 10 year old daughter.

Admittedly, Captain Army tends to fly of the handle, but he is absolutely correct. Your request to restore Private Parts to the Army is denied. Since you admitted that you would assault 11-year-olds, your request for us to hire you is also denied. I highly suggest you find a decent boyfriend.

Sincerely,

General M. A. Lays

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Dear Bill Tree Supermarket,

When I was at the Self Checkout, I overheard the machine behind me ask if the customer was using his own bags. What he said next was absolutely shocking. He said, "No, I'm using the souls of dead children." When I complained to the manager, he said it was a tasteless, but harmless joke.

That told me that your store is run by Satan worshipers. I will find irrefutable proof of your Satan worship. Your day of reckoning is coming.

Sincerely,

Pare A. Noid
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  #613  
Old 02-02-2014, 06:57 PM
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Tyg3rW01f Tyg3rW01f is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Upper East Tennessee
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Mr. Pare A. Noid,
We at Bill Tree Supermarket are a non-discriminatory bunch. We have persons from all walks of life. In fact our manager is an attending member of the Sword of Joshua Independent Full Gospel Pentecostal Assembly.
We have written Reverend Billy Ray Collins and requested his help with your issue. He recommended -strongly- you be signed into the care of the Sir Bedivere Mental Institution on State Road 666.

Bill Tree Supermarkets
William. R. Collins, Jr., Lead Manager

============
Dear American Foosball League,
Why did you let the Broncos beat my beloved Terryville Towels 140 to 0?! My team was poised to go to the Superbowl! We have a perfect record! 0-25!
I DEMAND you kick the Broncos out and let the Towels play the Seahawks, or I'll bomb the Wisconsin MidWife Stadium with the help of some family from Hamas!

Signed,
Ahmed D. Eadterrorist, Jr.

Last edited by Tyg3rW01f; 02-02-2014 at 07:08 PM.
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  #614  
Old 02-03-2014, 02:22 AM
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catcul catcul is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: North Carolina
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Dear Mr. Eadterrorist,

It's obviously that you are lying. There is not such team called the Terryville Towels. It's impossible to go 0-25 in a season since we only play 16 every year. Your request is denied and we have turned this letter over to the FBI.

Sincerely,

Russell Wilson, Commissioner, American Foosball League

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Dear Big Hill Animal Shelter,

I was watching a web cam trained on your kittens. Every time I get on, those kittens are asleep. I check before work; they're asleep. I check after work; they're asleep.

I know what you're up to. You're drugging those poor kittens so they will be easier to handle. Normal kittens run around, pounce, fight, and jump for no reason. I will have irrefutable proof that you're drugging these kittens. Your day of reckoning is coming.

Sincerely,

Pare A. Noid
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  #615  
Old 02-03-2014, 11:00 AM
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purplecat41877 purplecat41877 is offline
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Dear Mr. Noid,

Kittens sleep a lot and their actions are based on instinct. We don't drug our animals.

Sincerely,

Head Vet



Dear Local Court,

Where do you get off granting my parents' divorce? They took vows when they got married so by law they are required to stay together. I demand you reverse the divorce grant. If you don't, I will cut school for a week.

Sincerely,

B. R. Okendaughter
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  #616  
Old 02-03-2014, 01:09 PM
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catcul catcul is offline
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Location: North Carolina
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Dear Miss Okendaughter,

I'm sorry that your parents' divorce has such an effect on you. Unfortunately, your father caught your mother in bed with another man and recorded it. From what I've seen from the video, your parents may have had prior issues. Unfortunately, I cannot and will not reverse my decision. However, I will recommend counseling for you so you can adjust to your parents' divorce. Please don't skip school.

Sincerely,

Judge Robert Banks

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Dear Twin Elms Animal Shelter,

My girlfriend has two Singapuras. Six months ago, I decided that I wanted a cat of my own, so I adopted a kitten from your shelter. Now, this cat is a gigantic fluff ball. When I asked your staff about it, they said that they think my cat is a Maine Coon. That kitty intimidates my girlfriend and visitors to my house. He is a friendly cat, but would it have killed you to warn me about how big this cat would have been?

I want you to tell me how I can prevent my cat from accidentally killing my girlfriend's cat. I also want to know how I can introduce my cat to my friends without intimidating them.

Sincerely,

Felix Lybica
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  #617  
Old 02-03-2014, 09:38 PM
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Kristev Kristev is offline
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Location: No longer on the streets and that's wonderful.
Posts: 3,863
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Dear Mr. Lybica,

We did inform you that this was a Maine Coon, as well as what that meant. I pulled the records and you were given a copy of the breed data sheet. I have seen this tragic story I can't tell you how many times. People love a little cute kitten, but when the kitten becomes a cat, they don't love it anymore. It just breaks my heart how treacherous humans are.

As for protecting your girlfriend's cat, I suggest letting the cats rule separate areas of your home, protected by dividers, gradually moving the dividers together. Move their food and water dishes closer, as well. Over time, your cats will come to know and accept each other to the point where the dividers can be removed. You can also trim and groom your kitty so it will look beautiful instead of monstrous.

Please, put the best interest of the cat first. It deserves it.

Sincerely,

Dr. Ia Dorecats, director of Twin Elms Animal Shelter.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Piranha pet food company,

I had spent all of my money on my girlfriend, taking her out for an expensive dinner, buying her diamond rings and furs, and whatnot, when my useless ex-wife, Ms. Izmelda Koffy Enleftim dumped our three on me. She said something about it being my week for custody. She wasn't happy about giving them to me, and neither was I about getting them, but the judge said I get the kids one week a month.

I couldn't afford to buy them anything to eat, and since my girlfriend said she caught my youngest son acting like a dog, and couldn't get him to stop, I bought a great big bag of dog food and gave that to my boys. At first they wouldn't eat it, but after two days, they broke and ate it up like good puppies.

Well, imagine my surprise when all three of my children get sick the next day. I was sure they were faking, so I made them clean up my house, and told them they couldn't have any food until the house was spic and span. But when my back is turned, one of the boys steals my cell phone, goes outside, and calls my ex-wife.

She shows up at my door an hour later, and she is furious! Not only does she take the kids away from me, but she slaps me in the face and tells me she's going to the judge, but first she's going to the hospital with the boys.

Now Izmedla is suing me for their medical bills, as well as seeking sole-custody with no custody allowed. That's not fair! I love my boys. So since it was your dog food that made my boys so sick, I demand that you pay all the legal and medical fees for me, as well as give me ten million dollars so I can convince the judge that I should gain full custody of my sons, give me free dog food for life, and that you do something terrible against my vindictive ex-wife! That'll teach her!

Signed,

Mr. N. O. Goodlouse.
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Last edited by Kristev; 02-03-2014 at 09:44 PM.
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  #618  
Old 02-03-2014, 11:15 PM
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catcul catcul is offline
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Location: North Carolina
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Dear Mr. Goodlouse,

I don't know why you thought it was acceptable to give your sons dog food. It was formulated for a dog's nutritional needs. If a person eats dog food, they can get sick. I told you that your youngest son son was acting like a dog because I was concerned about his behavior. From what you told me, I was absolutely justified in being concerned about your boys. You also admitted that you were being financially irresponsible, too.

As for your demands, you will get no money for your medical bills or your legal bills. You will get $0 extra money. As for our relationship, it's over. I'm going to help your ex-wife get full custody since you don't love your children.

Your now ex-girlfriend,

Stacy Canis, CFO, Piranha Pet Food Company

-----

Dear Selene's Diner,

My buddies and me decided to streak in your restaurant. We wasn't harmin nobody. After we was finished streakin, we found that our car was missin. We had to run away to hide from the cops. Did I mention it was only 20F? When the cops found us, they took us to the hospital muttering "hypothermia." We would have gotten away if you didn't let car thiefs hang around in your parking lot.

I demand that you pay for our stolen car and our medical bills.

Sincerely,

Mon Kedik
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  #619  
Old 02-06-2014, 06:27 PM
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purplecat41877 purplecat41877 is offline
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Dear Mr. Kedik,

There has been a car thief on the loose and what you and your friends did was considered indecent exposure. Therefore, you won't be getting anything except charged with indecent exposure.

Sincerely,

Selene Meals
Owner



Dear Power Company Manager,

Where do you get off telling me that I have to wait for my power to be restored? I am a very important customer so by law you are required to restore my power the second it goes out. I demand free service for 4 months to make up for this and half off my bill for the rest of the year. If you don't do what I want, I will hack into your system and restore my power myself and then locate your house and shut off your power to see how you like being without power.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Powerful
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  #620  
Old 02-06-2014, 11:09 PM
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catcul catcul is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 971
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Dear Mrs. Powerful,

We apologize for not restoring your power more quickly. A teenager snuck into the sub station and came to a rather unfortunate end. When our workers found the body, they called police. The workers could not work on the problem until the police and coroner removed the body and any evidence from our sub station. As I'm typing this, the police have wrapped up at the scene, so our workers can begin to restore power. It should take an hour since the sub station is across the street from our main storage facility.

As for you demand, we expect full payment every month. You agreement stated that you accepted interruption of service due to situations beyond our control. As for turning off our power, don't bother. My house was affected, too.

Sincerely,

Duke Power

-----

Dear CVS Pharmacy,

Why have you stopped selling tobacco? Every time I pick up playing cards from your store, I smelled the tobacco. That smell always gave me a wonderful feeling every time I bought a deck of playing cards. Now, I won't have that feeling anymore. That really makes me depressed.

I demand that you bring back the tobacco, or at least leave a bag near the playing cards so I can have that feeling again. Also, I need a refill on my Wellbutrin.

Sincerely,

Melony Pitch-Black
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