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  • #76
    There were two young skunks named Out and In. Whenever In was out, Out was in. One day, their mother told Out "Bring In in." Out found In very quickly, and the mother asked how he did it.

    "Instinct."

    Testing
    "I saw a flock of moosen! There were many of 'em. Many much moosen. Out in the woods- in the woodes- in the woodsen. The meese want the food. The food is to eatenesen."

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    • #77
      *This might offend some Christians, but my Catholic family thinks it's funny so I'm not too worried*

      There was a boy who did poorly in math. His parents tried everything they could to improve his grades, from studying for hours on end to getting tutors. Finally, they were at the end of their rope and decided to send him to a Catholic school where he would be more disciplined.

      The parents were so happy when he bring his first math test home with an "A.' Shocked, his mother asks: "What happened to make this sudden change?"

      The boy replied: "Well, I got there and saw that guy nailed to that plus sign and knew they meant business!"
      "If you are planning not to tip, please let your server know before ordering so they can decide whether or not to wait on you" - from an advice column I read some time ago

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      • #78
        Quoth Giggle Goose View Post
        *This might offend some Christians, but my Catholic family thinks it's funny so I'm not too worried*
        PLEASE EDIT QUOTES
        Heh, the first person I heard this joke from was a NUN.
        Last edited by Ree; 04-09-2007, 10:02 PM.
        "Maybe the problem just went away...maybe it was the magical sniper fairy that comes and gives silenced hollow point rounds to people who don't eat their vegetables."

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        • #79
          Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

          One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

          The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

          After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

          "IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
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          "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"



          I'm sorry
          I don't go in for ancient wisdom
          I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
          It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

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          • #80
            Owwwww, my head...

            Okay, here's one:


            A man walks into a bar.
            He sais "ouch".

            I AM the evil bastard!
            A+ Certified IT Technician

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            • #81
              Have you heard about those new Viagra eyedrops?

              They make you look f***ing hard.

              Rapscallion

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              • #82
                A sting walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender points to the sign that says "No Strings Allowed". The string walks out but really wants a drink so he ties himself up, ruffles himself up a bit and walks back in. He orders a drink. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that string that was just in here?" The string shouts "String? String? I'm a frayed knot!"

                What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who sits at the bottom of a hole?
                Phil

                What do you call two men who hang on either side of a window?
                Kurt and Rod

                What do you call a man and a woman with no arms and no legs who sit on a grill?
                Frank and Patti

                What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the bottom of a swimming pool?
                Dwayne

                I've got more...
                "If ignorance is bliss, then I work in Heaven."

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                • #83
                  What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the water?
                  BOB


                  What do you call a man with no arms or legs at your front door?
                  MAT



                  What do you do with a dog with no legs?
                  Take it out for a drag.



                  Thank you, Thank you. I will be here.... for another 5 minutes.
                  Don't forget to tip your waitress and try the veal.
                  Thank you.





                  I'm tolerant of everyone and everything except for assholes. - Mongo Skruddgemire

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                  • #84
                    Donald Duck wanted a divorce from Daisy.
                    "But Daisy's nont insane" said Donalds lawyer.
                    "I didn't say she was insane" protested Donald
                    "I said she was fucking Goofy"


                    Diana and Barbara were at the shopping centre
                    "There's my husband coming out of the florist with a dozen red roses. That means i'm going to have to keep my legs up in the air for 3 days." said Diana
                    "Why" asked Barbara "Don't you have a vase"




                    How do you confuse an Archeologist?
                    Give him a tampon and ask whick period it's from.

                    Bad i know

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                    • #85
                      What did the farmer say when he lost his tracter?
                      ....wheres my tractor?
                      Liberate me Bitch!

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                      • #86
                        What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal testicles?

                        Sparky.

                        Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

                        "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

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                        • #87
                          Nurse: Doctor, the Invisible Man is waiting in room 23.
                          Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now.

                          *dodges tomatoes*
                          "You are loved" - Plaidman.

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                          • #88
                            A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.
                            When he receives the sandwich he eats it and then shoots the waiter and leaves the restaurant.
                            A policeman sees the panda and tells him he just broke the law. The panda bear tells the policeman that he's innocent and, if he didn't believe him, to look in the dictionary. The policeman gets a dictionary and looks up "panda bear."
                            It says, ''Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves.''
                            "You are loved" - Plaidman.

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                            • #89
                              How many video gamers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

                              Well, I'll have to read the manual, and check GamFaqs.com first, then buy the player's guide, play online for a bit......

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                              • #90
                                This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
                                So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
                                After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
                                He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

                                So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

                                This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

                                But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

                                He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

                                A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!"
                                Too tired of living and too tired to end it. What a conundrum.

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