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We were flooded with calls yesterday. Our General Customer Care queue backed up to something like 350 calls holding, so they opened the floodgates and we got to take those calls too. I had twice the absurdity in a single day. Whoo-freaking-hoo.
SM Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = 1 day to go til days off…
SUP = Supervisor
Brilliant!
SM: I should be able to get a phone for free!
ME: Your last upgrade was on 02/15/2007. You aren’t eligible for the full discount, but I can get that phone for you for $79.99.
SM: I don’t mind paying the cancellation fee to go get a free phone from another provider.
Hmm, $79.99, or $200 + activation fees and so on with the other company. I fail to see the genius in your financial logic. How have you survived so long without even being able to afford a package of Ramen to eat once in awhile? Or do you just sustain yourself on the daily collection letters/death threats from various debtors you receive in the mail? Anyway, good luck with that.
Color Me Stupid
ME: We have 2 choices available. I can get that phone in blue or red.
SW: What about black or grey?
ME: Unfortunately, I don’t have either of those colors available. Only the blue and red.
SW: I saw on the website you have that phone in grey and black
ME: The manufacturer only makes that in 2 colors, which are blue and red. I’m looking at our website now, and they are only in red and blue. They have black on them, but they are not all-black.
SW: Can’t I get it in grey or black?
ME: If I had those colors available, I’d be happy to offer them to you. So would you like the blue or the red?
SW: But I want black or grey.
Yeah, I got that the first time you said it. And I told you what I have. So we can sit here locked in an eternal stalemate, or you can pick from what options are available within the physical realm of existence. I leave the choice up to you. Take what I have, or centuries from now, when the human race has been wiped out by sentient hamsters, out furry conquerors will unearth the ruins of our decimated civilization to find you atop a pile of Twinkie wrappers, your skull forever frozen in the slack-jawed gape that was your trademark in life, and me attached to the fibrous remnants of my headset cord, still holding my trusty Gameboy.
…
SM: I shnt cdig gighs jsdigajnhvurgb
ME: Um…. Hello?
SM: I shnt cdig gighs jsdigajnhvurgb
ME: I’m sorry?
SM: I want dghaskdl;gjbhk
ME: I’m having some difficulty understanding you.
SM: I want a credit for calling my brother in Alaska.
ME: Okay, so you called-
SM: I called him and then I called Bell South and they said they won’t give me a credit and to call you.
ME: Well, when you-
SM: I want to call my brother, but I don’t want to pay those charges. I don’t like them.
ME: …
SM: Hello?
ME: Yes?
SM: So I need a credit for calling to Alaska.
ME: Right. And you have a nationwide plan, so there is no charge to dial to Alaska.
SM: No credit?
ME: No, because there was no charge in the first place.
SM: Oh. Okay.
ME: Thanks for calling!
SM (walks away from the phone): She said no credit. Eh hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe!
I now know what GK meant a couple weeks ago when he described a customer fellating the phone. And what was up with that spooky cackle, old man? Is this all part of your master plan? Are you trying to scare everyone out of the abandoned amusement park so you can dig for pirate gold? Watch out for those meddling kids and their dog.
Getting philosophical
SW: I call for my husband’s account. Account number is XXXXXXXXX
ME: Okay, I do have that account here. And how can I help you?
SW: The account number is XXXXXXXXX?
ME: Yes.
SW: Is that correct?
ME: …Yes.
SW: XXXXXXXXX?
ME: Right.
SW: Is it XXXXXXXXX?
YES! That’s the number. As I confirmed the first time, you were right all along. You gave the number to me to start with, then asked me if that was right. Stop asking me! Am I supposed to use a magic word to get you to desist? Yes. Uh-huh. Right-o. Confirmed. Correct. Affirmative. Ja. Si. Oui. Hai. Sho’ nuff. Hell yeah. Absotively Posilutely. Fo shizzle. Whatever you want, I’ll say it. Please, let’s just move on to the next question, I don’t have time for this again in the same day. Whatever it takes to get you off my line. I’ll give you a phone. You can have it in blue or red.
Negotiations
SW: I want a credit! I’ve never gone over my minutes before, and I’m not paying this!
ME: The charges are valid, but we do have a plan available for the same rate with more minutes to prevent future overage.
SW: I’m not here to negotiate. Either credit my account or I’ll cancel.
And that’s…not negotiating? It’s bitching. It’s whining. It’s a tantrum. It’s demanding. But it’s still a form of negotiation. So I guess since you don’t want to do that, we have nothing more to say to each other. Why don’t you go stand in the street and not negotiate with an oncoming bus?
Bonus: Fun with Supervisors
SW: Give me the number for your corporate office.
ME: They don’t have a phone number.
SW: They have to.
ME: They only take written correspondence. I can give you the mailing address or the email address.
SW: They don’t have anyone who talks on the phones?
ME: No, that’s what I’m for.
SW: Well I don’t want to talk to you. Is there a supervisor?
ME: Yes.
SW: Then let me talk to him. I need someone who can make a corporate decision.
SUP: How can I help you?
SW: Yes, I want this line canceled without a termination fee, or I’ll cancel my other line. And my sister and mother and all my friends and family have your service, and I’ll get them all to cancel too unless you help me.
SUP: Ma’am, if you choose to terminate that line, there will be a termination fee because you just renewed your contract in July.
SW: Look, I know there are things the company can do to satisfy a customer. That’s all I’m asking.
SUP: But you agreed to the termination fee as part of your contract.
SW: But you can do things on a corporate level. I work for Home Depot! I know you’ll go out of your way to make a customer happy!
SUP: A phone company is a little different than Home Depot.
I fail to see the correlation between cell phones and home improvement. I can think of several items I could purchase at Home Depot and use on this customer to cause an excruciatingly painful and messy demise, but that’s just for my own amusement and has about as much to do with her issue as… cell phones to Home Depot.
SM Sucky Man
SW = Sucky Woman
ME = 1 day to go til days off…
SUP = Supervisor
Brilliant!
SM: I should be able to get a phone for free!
ME: Your last upgrade was on 02/15/2007. You aren’t eligible for the full discount, but I can get that phone for you for $79.99.
SM: I don’t mind paying the cancellation fee to go get a free phone from another provider.
Hmm, $79.99, or $200 + activation fees and so on with the other company. I fail to see the genius in your financial logic. How have you survived so long without even being able to afford a package of Ramen to eat once in awhile? Or do you just sustain yourself on the daily collection letters/death threats from various debtors you receive in the mail? Anyway, good luck with that.
Color Me Stupid
ME: We have 2 choices available. I can get that phone in blue or red.
SW: What about black or grey?
ME: Unfortunately, I don’t have either of those colors available. Only the blue and red.
SW: I saw on the website you have that phone in grey and black
ME: The manufacturer only makes that in 2 colors, which are blue and red. I’m looking at our website now, and they are only in red and blue. They have black on them, but they are not all-black.
SW: Can’t I get it in grey or black?
ME: If I had those colors available, I’d be happy to offer them to you. So would you like the blue or the red?
SW: But I want black or grey.
Yeah, I got that the first time you said it. And I told you what I have. So we can sit here locked in an eternal stalemate, or you can pick from what options are available within the physical realm of existence. I leave the choice up to you. Take what I have, or centuries from now, when the human race has been wiped out by sentient hamsters, out furry conquerors will unearth the ruins of our decimated civilization to find you atop a pile of Twinkie wrappers, your skull forever frozen in the slack-jawed gape that was your trademark in life, and me attached to the fibrous remnants of my headset cord, still holding my trusty Gameboy.
…
SM: I shnt cdig gighs jsdigajnhvurgb
ME: Um…. Hello?
SM: I shnt cdig gighs jsdigajnhvurgb
ME: I’m sorry?
SM: I want dghaskdl;gjbhk
ME: I’m having some difficulty understanding you.
SM: I want a credit for calling my brother in Alaska.
ME: Okay, so you called-
SM: I called him and then I called Bell South and they said they won’t give me a credit and to call you.
ME: Well, when you-
SM: I want to call my brother, but I don’t want to pay those charges. I don’t like them.
ME: …
SM: Hello?
ME: Yes?
SM: So I need a credit for calling to Alaska.
ME: Right. And you have a nationwide plan, so there is no charge to dial to Alaska.
SM: No credit?
ME: No, because there was no charge in the first place.
SM: Oh. Okay.
ME: Thanks for calling!
SM (walks away from the phone): She said no credit. Eh hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe!
I now know what GK meant a couple weeks ago when he described a customer fellating the phone. And what was up with that spooky cackle, old man? Is this all part of your master plan? Are you trying to scare everyone out of the abandoned amusement park so you can dig for pirate gold? Watch out for those meddling kids and their dog.
Getting philosophical
SW: I call for my husband’s account. Account number is XXXXXXXXX
ME: Okay, I do have that account here. And how can I help you?
SW: The account number is XXXXXXXXX?
ME: Yes.
SW: Is that correct?
ME: …Yes.
SW: XXXXXXXXX?
ME: Right.
SW: Is it XXXXXXXXX?
YES! That’s the number. As I confirmed the first time, you were right all along. You gave the number to me to start with, then asked me if that was right. Stop asking me! Am I supposed to use a magic word to get you to desist? Yes. Uh-huh. Right-o. Confirmed. Correct. Affirmative. Ja. Si. Oui. Hai. Sho’ nuff. Hell yeah. Absotively Posilutely. Fo shizzle. Whatever you want, I’ll say it. Please, let’s just move on to the next question, I don’t have time for this again in the same day. Whatever it takes to get you off my line. I’ll give you a phone. You can have it in blue or red.
Negotiations
SW: I want a credit! I’ve never gone over my minutes before, and I’m not paying this!
ME: The charges are valid, but we do have a plan available for the same rate with more minutes to prevent future overage.
SW: I’m not here to negotiate. Either credit my account or I’ll cancel.
And that’s…not negotiating? It’s bitching. It’s whining. It’s a tantrum. It’s demanding. But it’s still a form of negotiation. So I guess since you don’t want to do that, we have nothing more to say to each other. Why don’t you go stand in the street and not negotiate with an oncoming bus?
Bonus: Fun with Supervisors
SW: Give me the number for your corporate office.
ME: They don’t have a phone number.
SW: They have to.
ME: They only take written correspondence. I can give you the mailing address or the email address.
SW: They don’t have anyone who talks on the phones?
ME: No, that’s what I’m for.
SW: Well I don’t want to talk to you. Is there a supervisor?
ME: Yes.
SW: Then let me talk to him. I need someone who can make a corporate decision.
SUP: How can I help you?
SW: Yes, I want this line canceled without a termination fee, or I’ll cancel my other line. And my sister and mother and all my friends and family have your service, and I’ll get them all to cancel too unless you help me.
SUP: Ma’am, if you choose to terminate that line, there will be a termination fee because you just renewed your contract in July.
SW: Look, I know there are things the company can do to satisfy a customer. That’s all I’m asking.
SUP: But you agreed to the termination fee as part of your contract.
SW: But you can do things on a corporate level. I work for Home Depot! I know you’ll go out of your way to make a customer happy!
SUP: A phone company is a little different than Home Depot.
I fail to see the correlation between cell phones and home improvement. I can think of several items I could purchase at Home Depot and use on this customer to cause an excruciatingly painful and messy demise, but that’s just for my own amusement and has about as much to do with her issue as… cell phones to Home Depot.
That's the only explanation I can think of.
I AM the evil bastard!
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