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Football season is a nightmare, I’m surprised at times I don’t find cars parked on roofs and stuck to the walls a’ la Spiderman. They seem to be everywhere else though. Due to the all-hands-on-deck nature of towing during football, we press everyone available into towing illegally parked cars. That includes the company repo man, Twitch. Twitch isn’t used in this capacity much, his customer service skills are a bit, well, calling them lacking would imply there was a measureable amount there in the first place that could be improved upon, and that’s just not the case. This guy lives about 4 months of the year in the woods… by himself, once got into a fistfight with a horse and won from what I heard, and successfully hunts small game with a slingshot. Get the idea? Suffice it to say, he’d never rate very high on a secret shopper report. Call him “coarse” if you must, but remember, sandpaper doesn’t draw blood unless you repeatedly stick your finger on it. Nevertheless he DOES get the job done so he gets turned loose amongst the “normal” guys. Whoo boy……… he’s PROUD of how much he can piss people off.
Twitch vs. Angry Dad
Twitch gets a call for an illegally parked car in an apartment lot. No sooner does he have it hooked than a girl comes running. It’s not her car, hers is the one next to it that has a permit. But this is her Daddy’s car, and, we can’t tow it. Twitch informs her that, yes, he can because it has no permit. Daddy’s girl tries to make the argument that since Dad pays the rent for HER spot, that means HE can park in the lot too. Twitch tells her that’s not the way it works, that’s when Daddy himself showed up.
Dad - You can put that down!
Twitch - Uh, nope!
D - Do you have any idea how much I pay for this spot?! You can just put it down because we were only here for 3 minutes!
T - Uh uh, this was called into me 15 minutes ago, you don’t have a permit, so it’s a drop. $65 No pay and I just tow it.
Dad at this point gets into the car, hoping Twitch will just leave, why they try this I have no idea.
D - Just flip your switches and put it down already!
T - I got a green thumb! This here *holds up thumb* don’t touch no buttons until I get some cash.
D - I’m calling the cops!
T - You go ahead, they’ll just tell you the same thing.
Dad now takes the permit out of his daughter’s car and puts it in his.
D - You’ll see! Wait till the cops get here, I’ll tell them you tried to tow us even though we had a permit!
T - Uh huh, you know they don’t like it when you lie to em’ because I saw that
The cops must have been good and bored, because THREE carloads of them soon show up. One group talks to Twitch, the other talks to Daddykins, and within about 20 seconds, he’s pulling out the Amex card. So much for that threat.
Twitch vs. Canada
About that time, I’m driving past a long-closed laundry we tow from after-hours and notice a truck in the lot. Even at 30 mph, I can see it’s got Ontario plates, so there’s no way it’s a maintenance man or owner of that property parking there, just someone ignoring the “customers only” sign. I hear Twitch is clear from his adventure with Daddy and the Police, so I radio him the plate and truck and tell him that there’s a freebie at the dry cleaners. So he heads over. No sooner does he have that one off the ground than the fun starts again. A guy steps up and flashes a badge
- That’s my truck, put it down
- Sure, after you pay $65
- No, you don’t understand, police vehicle, put it down
- You're the one who don’t understand. You need to give me some money or I tow, that’s NOT a police vehicle, it’s got normal plates.
- *flashes badge* Peace officer
- That’s nice, $65
- So you can’t cut me a break?
- Not for illegally parking on someone else’s property
- Don’t I get some kind of government discount? We get those in Canada
- Okay, uh, in case you haven’t noticed, this ain’t Canada
- This is a peace officer’s vehicle! In Canada, you cannot tow these, it’s against the law.
- This isn’t Canada, dude. You’re in a different country now, different laws. You have no permit for here, and I can tow you for that if you don’t pay and I will do it.
- You can’t do that in Canada! This is a police vehicle!
- Yeah, I know where Canada is, I’ve been there, but look around, this is Pennsylvania, United States, the laws are different and the law you violated means unless you pay me, NOW, I’m taking this truck
- That is against the law!
- Maybe where you’re from, but how many times do I have to say it? This isn’t Canada!
-Look, I am a peace officer! *Flips badge*
- You flip that badge in my face one more time, and you’ll have to go look for it!
- What’s that supposed to mean?
- I mean I’m gonna take it and heave it ‘cross the street and maybe it’ll land over there in that fountain, maybe it’ll land in the bushes, but I mean it man, stop shovin’ badges in my face and come up with some money, right now , or this truck is leaving with me.
- So, is it your policy to pick on people from out of town? Because it sure seems like it
- Come on back to the garage, I’ll show you plenty of cars with PA plates, and Maryland, and Virginia, and Texas and California, I pick on all kinds of people, especially ones that don’t read the “no parking” signs like that one there.
He paid, still kibitzing about how it would never work this way in Canada… and he might be right… it’s just that…… well… he’s not in…….. you know what? I’m burnt out on this one…. I’ll let you finish that thought.
Of course, I didn’t hear about this until Twitch came back from the tow, safed the $65 and then turned and poked me in the chest and declared “YOU! NEXT ONE YOU GIVE ME! NO MORE CANADIANS!” After I picked myself up off the floor from laughing myself hoarse from something I was sure I’d never hear him say, he explained the whole thing to me.
“Aw, cheer up Twitch, at least it wasn’t a Quebec plate” I offered. He thought about it for a second,
“That’d be even worse, I do not need to be sworn at in French”
Incidentally, my “confirmed kills” over the year include Alberta, Quebec, British Columbia and Ontario, sadly, the maritime provinces are sadly underrepresented. And yes, if ever there was a driver of ours who was destined to cause an international incident? Yeah, It'd be him. If the embassy calls I won't be shocked.
Twitch vs Tough Guy
After that, Twitch gets a call about an illegal over at California Ave apartments, a known party-party place that attracts some real winners. This one he not only gets hooked to, but manages to slap the dollies on it and gets out of the lot and about 100 yards down the street when suddenly, a guy runs in front of his truck and slaps the rearview mirror with his hand as Twitch drives by. He hit it so hard, he knocked it back into it’s “folded” position, Twitch honestly thought he hit the guy and comes to a screeching halt. Quoth the mirror-slapper:
- Yo man! That’s my car!
- It’s going to be $115 (Once a car leaves the parking space it was in, the $65 drop no longer applies, it’s considered towed, and if stopped by the owner anywhere between there and the garage, they owe for a full tow)
- I don’t have that kind of money on me!
- Well, too bad then, you can pick it up at our garage when you do
- Just, just put it down and I’ll drive to an ATM and come back with the cash
- Uh huh, do I look like I just started this job today?
- What do you mean?
- I mean that ain’t gonna happen
- Well, then give me a ride or something to an ATM
- That ain’t gonna happen either.
- C’mon man! It’s not my car, I borrowed it, just gimme a break!
- You got a better chance of meetin’ Jesus. It’s $115 cash or credit, right now or it goes back to the garage.
- So you think you’re a tough guy or something (at this point he gets up on the running board of Twitch’s truck, if you aren’t Twitch, and you do this, things tend to end badly for you)
- You better get off my truck, dude, right now.
- Or what? (Now he puts his hands inside the window sills, putting your hands inside Twitch’s truck is about as advisable as putting them up the discharge chute of a chipper shredder, people who do that, not only does it end badly, it also ends worsely for them too)
- Get your hands out of my truck, right now, I mean it.
- Make me
- Look, I got other cars to tow, and other things to do, I’m not gonna sit here all night for you, so either pay or get the hell off of my truck.
- Or you’ll do what? Huh? You threatenin’ me?!
- I’ll do this. Twitch says, looking in his rearview mirror, and he flips the truck’s rotator lights on.
Immediately, the police cruiser that was coming down the otherwise empty street pulls up next to them. You know, you’d think these dummies would look around for the presence of law enforcement before trying to push Twitch’s buttons like that. There’s no excuse for not seeing them coming at 2am when there’s nobody else but us, them and the pizza guy out and about in town. One useful life skill everyone should learn by about 14, if not 16 at the latest when you get a license, is what Ford Crown Vic headlights look like at a distance in the dark, it’s a skill that’s never let me down. But, I digress. The officer gets out and, having seen the whole thing unfold as he was rolling up on the scene, orders Mr. Tough Pants to step back from the truck, or else. Strangely, he listened to the request of the guy with the badge, gun, pepper spray and baton, can’t imagine why. He whinges a bit about how unfair this all is and how he can’t possibly pay $115, who carries that kind of cash on them anyway? The cop tells him that, well, as much as he may sympathize with tough-guy’s plight, he better find some way to pay. Tough Pants grumbles some more about what an asshole Twitch was being to him. The cop laughs,
“You don’t really know who that is, do you?”
“huh?”
“That tower you were giving a hard time? That’s Twitch, he’s their company’s repo man”
Mr Tough Pants eyes get a bit wide, the cop continues
“The last guy who reached into his truck while he was working, know what happened to him? Twitch laid him out in the parking lot. One punch, never even got out of the truck. He’d have been looking at the stars had he still been conscious. You came awfully close to being number two.”
(And that’s no exaggeration, I was working when it happened, the dude got, well, I think you’ve heard of the phrase “Effin’ Leveled” before? Yeah. The guy in question was fairly drunk and apparently decided on a whim to start a fight with the next person he saw. Turned out it was Twitch, backing under a car with his truck windows down. He chose, poorly. He hopped on the running board, reached into the cab and started pummeling away on Twitch for a couple seconds before Twitch realized what was happening , wound up, and connected. The drunk had a hold of the gearshift lever in the truck when the punch came, he ended up taking that with him as he exited through the window and spread-eagled himself on the pavement. If this had been a cartoon, there would have been chirping birds flying in circles around the lot. Later, after the drunk had been arrested for assault, we mailed him the bill for the damage and cost of replacing it. It was a legendary knock-out, we still talk about it today, some 4 years later.)
Upon hearing the story, Mr Tough Pants now digs into his pockets and comes up with, surprise, several $20’s, enough to pay for the tow. Twitch was nice enough to give him $5 of his own money he just happened to be carrying so the miscreant doesn’t have to show up at our doorstep in the future for his change, as we don’t ever want to see his ugly mug again. It takes him all of 20 seconds to unhook the car.
“Darn, that’s slick” the cop observes
“Yep, been repoin’ for 17 years, I should be good at this point” he says
“And that’s the guy you wanted to fight?” The cop asks to a silent Mr. Tough Pants, who wisely recognized the question as rhetorical and doesn’t take it any further.
Twitch vs. Angry Dad
Twitch gets a call for an illegally parked car in an apartment lot. No sooner does he have it hooked than a girl comes running. It’s not her car, hers is the one next to it that has a permit. But this is her Daddy’s car, and, we can’t tow it. Twitch informs her that, yes, he can because it has no permit. Daddy’s girl tries to make the argument that since Dad pays the rent for HER spot, that means HE can park in the lot too. Twitch tells her that’s not the way it works, that’s when Daddy himself showed up.
Dad - You can put that down!
Twitch - Uh, nope!
D - Do you have any idea how much I pay for this spot?! You can just put it down because we were only here for 3 minutes!
T - Uh uh, this was called into me 15 minutes ago, you don’t have a permit, so it’s a drop. $65 No pay and I just tow it.
Dad at this point gets into the car, hoping Twitch will just leave, why they try this I have no idea.
D - Just flip your switches and put it down already!
T - I got a green thumb! This here *holds up thumb* don’t touch no buttons until I get some cash.
D - I’m calling the cops!
T - You go ahead, they’ll just tell you the same thing.
Dad now takes the permit out of his daughter’s car and puts it in his.
D - You’ll see! Wait till the cops get here, I’ll tell them you tried to tow us even though we had a permit!
T - Uh huh, you know they don’t like it when you lie to em’ because I saw that
The cops must have been good and bored, because THREE carloads of them soon show up. One group talks to Twitch, the other talks to Daddykins, and within about 20 seconds, he’s pulling out the Amex card. So much for that threat.
Twitch vs. Canada
About that time, I’m driving past a long-closed laundry we tow from after-hours and notice a truck in the lot. Even at 30 mph, I can see it’s got Ontario plates, so there’s no way it’s a maintenance man or owner of that property parking there, just someone ignoring the “customers only” sign. I hear Twitch is clear from his adventure with Daddy and the Police, so I radio him the plate and truck and tell him that there’s a freebie at the dry cleaners. So he heads over. No sooner does he have that one off the ground than the fun starts again. A guy steps up and flashes a badge
- That’s my truck, put it down
- Sure, after you pay $65
- No, you don’t understand, police vehicle, put it down
- You're the one who don’t understand. You need to give me some money or I tow, that’s NOT a police vehicle, it’s got normal plates.
- *flashes badge* Peace officer
- That’s nice, $65
- So you can’t cut me a break?
- Not for illegally parking on someone else’s property
- Don’t I get some kind of government discount? We get those in Canada
- Okay, uh, in case you haven’t noticed, this ain’t Canada
- This is a peace officer’s vehicle! In Canada, you cannot tow these, it’s against the law.
- This isn’t Canada, dude. You’re in a different country now, different laws. You have no permit for here, and I can tow you for that if you don’t pay and I will do it.
- You can’t do that in Canada! This is a police vehicle!
- Yeah, I know where Canada is, I’ve been there, but look around, this is Pennsylvania, United States, the laws are different and the law you violated means unless you pay me, NOW, I’m taking this truck
- That is against the law!
- Maybe where you’re from, but how many times do I have to say it? This isn’t Canada!
-Look, I am a peace officer! *Flips badge*
- You flip that badge in my face one more time, and you’ll have to go look for it!
- What’s that supposed to mean?
- I mean I’m gonna take it and heave it ‘cross the street and maybe it’ll land over there in that fountain, maybe it’ll land in the bushes, but I mean it man, stop shovin’ badges in my face and come up with some money, right now , or this truck is leaving with me.
- So, is it your policy to pick on people from out of town? Because it sure seems like it
- Come on back to the garage, I’ll show you plenty of cars with PA plates, and Maryland, and Virginia, and Texas and California, I pick on all kinds of people, especially ones that don’t read the “no parking” signs like that one there.
He paid, still kibitzing about how it would never work this way in Canada… and he might be right… it’s just that…… well… he’s not in…….. you know what? I’m burnt out on this one…. I’ll let you finish that thought.
Of course, I didn’t hear about this until Twitch came back from the tow, safed the $65 and then turned and poked me in the chest and declared “YOU! NEXT ONE YOU GIVE ME! NO MORE CANADIANS!” After I picked myself up off the floor from laughing myself hoarse from something I was sure I’d never hear him say, he explained the whole thing to me.
“Aw, cheer up Twitch, at least it wasn’t a Quebec plate” I offered. He thought about it for a second,
“That’d be even worse, I do not need to be sworn at in French”
Incidentally, my “confirmed kills” over the year include Alberta, Quebec, British Columbia and Ontario, sadly, the maritime provinces are sadly underrepresented. And yes, if ever there was a driver of ours who was destined to cause an international incident? Yeah, It'd be him. If the embassy calls I won't be shocked.
Twitch vs Tough Guy
After that, Twitch gets a call about an illegal over at California Ave apartments, a known party-party place that attracts some real winners. This one he not only gets hooked to, but manages to slap the dollies on it and gets out of the lot and about 100 yards down the street when suddenly, a guy runs in front of his truck and slaps the rearview mirror with his hand as Twitch drives by. He hit it so hard, he knocked it back into it’s “folded” position, Twitch honestly thought he hit the guy and comes to a screeching halt. Quoth the mirror-slapper:
- Yo man! That’s my car!
- It’s going to be $115 (Once a car leaves the parking space it was in, the $65 drop no longer applies, it’s considered towed, and if stopped by the owner anywhere between there and the garage, they owe for a full tow)
- I don’t have that kind of money on me!
- Well, too bad then, you can pick it up at our garage when you do
- Just, just put it down and I’ll drive to an ATM and come back with the cash
- Uh huh, do I look like I just started this job today?
- What do you mean?
- I mean that ain’t gonna happen
- Well, then give me a ride or something to an ATM
- That ain’t gonna happen either.
- C’mon man! It’s not my car, I borrowed it, just gimme a break!
- You got a better chance of meetin’ Jesus. It’s $115 cash or credit, right now or it goes back to the garage.
- So you think you’re a tough guy or something (at this point he gets up on the running board of Twitch’s truck, if you aren’t Twitch, and you do this, things tend to end badly for you)
- You better get off my truck, dude, right now.
- Or what? (Now he puts his hands inside the window sills, putting your hands inside Twitch’s truck is about as advisable as putting them up the discharge chute of a chipper shredder, people who do that, not only does it end badly, it also ends worsely for them too)
- Get your hands out of my truck, right now, I mean it.
- Make me
- Look, I got other cars to tow, and other things to do, I’m not gonna sit here all night for you, so either pay or get the hell off of my truck.
- Or you’ll do what? Huh? You threatenin’ me?!
- I’ll do this. Twitch says, looking in his rearview mirror, and he flips the truck’s rotator lights on.
Immediately, the police cruiser that was coming down the otherwise empty street pulls up next to them. You know, you’d think these dummies would look around for the presence of law enforcement before trying to push Twitch’s buttons like that. There’s no excuse for not seeing them coming at 2am when there’s nobody else but us, them and the pizza guy out and about in town. One useful life skill everyone should learn by about 14, if not 16 at the latest when you get a license, is what Ford Crown Vic headlights look like at a distance in the dark, it’s a skill that’s never let me down. But, I digress. The officer gets out and, having seen the whole thing unfold as he was rolling up on the scene, orders Mr. Tough Pants to step back from the truck, or else. Strangely, he listened to the request of the guy with the badge, gun, pepper spray and baton, can’t imagine why. He whinges a bit about how unfair this all is and how he can’t possibly pay $115, who carries that kind of cash on them anyway? The cop tells him that, well, as much as he may sympathize with tough-guy’s plight, he better find some way to pay. Tough Pants grumbles some more about what an asshole Twitch was being to him. The cop laughs,
“You don’t really know who that is, do you?”
“huh?”
“That tower you were giving a hard time? That’s Twitch, he’s their company’s repo man”
Mr Tough Pants eyes get a bit wide, the cop continues
“The last guy who reached into his truck while he was working, know what happened to him? Twitch laid him out in the parking lot. One punch, never even got out of the truck. He’d have been looking at the stars had he still been conscious. You came awfully close to being number two.”
(And that’s no exaggeration, I was working when it happened, the dude got, well, I think you’ve heard of the phrase “Effin’ Leveled” before? Yeah. The guy in question was fairly drunk and apparently decided on a whim to start a fight with the next person he saw. Turned out it was Twitch, backing under a car with his truck windows down. He chose, poorly. He hopped on the running board, reached into the cab and started pummeling away on Twitch for a couple seconds before Twitch realized what was happening , wound up, and connected. The drunk had a hold of the gearshift lever in the truck when the punch came, he ended up taking that with him as he exited through the window and spread-eagled himself on the pavement. If this had been a cartoon, there would have been chirping birds flying in circles around the lot. Later, after the drunk had been arrested for assault, we mailed him the bill for the damage and cost of replacing it. It was a legendary knock-out, we still talk about it today, some 4 years later.)
Upon hearing the story, Mr Tough Pants now digs into his pockets and comes up with, surprise, several $20’s, enough to pay for the tow. Twitch was nice enough to give him $5 of his own money he just happened to be carrying so the miscreant doesn’t have to show up at our doorstep in the future for his change, as we don’t ever want to see his ugly mug again. It takes him all of 20 seconds to unhook the car.
“Darn, that’s slick” the cop observes
“Yep, been repoin’ for 17 years, I should be good at this point” he says
“And that’s the guy you wanted to fight?” The cop asks to a silent Mr. Tough Pants, who wisely recognized the question as rhetorical and doesn’t take it any further.
He is my Black Dragon (and yes, a good one) strong, protective, the guardian. I am his Silver Dragon, always by his side, shining for him, cherishing him.
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