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Naked Justice
Busy week at work again, but not on the call side of things. Was training newbs again and when I'm training I don't take calls. So not much to talk about. -.-
A Moment Of Mourning
MC Shake & Bake was nowhere to be seen this evening. I can only assume that he has succumbed to Bubonic Swine Hepatitus. Let us observe a very small moment of silence for the loss of talent our world has surely suffered………..right, all done.
Porcelain Cats
Me: “How may I help you?”
SC: “Well, first of all you could put some different music on for the on hold music. You put this awful razzmatazz!”
……razzmatazz…..I don’t really think our on hold music qualifies as razzmatazz as that kind of implies some sort of excitement occuring. It’s really more of of a brain numbing elevator jazz. That aside though you sound….actually kind of offended somehow that our on hold music does not meet your standards. But that can’t be right, because that would be crazy and I’m sure you’re a perfectly normal 107 year old person.
SC: “YOU put this HORRIBLE music on!”
You’re…not going to let this go are you? You’re seriously upset about this somehow? I do not understand. Precisely what did you expect to get as on hold music? Playing any actual music brings up a myriad of licensing concerns. That’s why every company on the planet uses a generic little on hold tune. It’s because it’s cheaper and won’t get us sued.
SC: “Why is that?!”
….Why? Wait, you really want me to explain why? It bothers you that much that you cannot rest and allow this call to proceed until you have an answer? I’m afraid despite all the glaring evidence you’re presenting, I’m still having trouble accepting your problem is real. As it seems too absurd for the average person to seriously consider.
It’s not too late, you can still laugh this all off as a joke. But only if you move quickly. This your last chance to salvage this conversation. We can still let bygones be bygones and I can still possibly take you and your call seriously.
SC: “You should tell your boss! Here I was listening to this wonderful, musical production on the radio then I call you and you’re putting on this intermezzo music which is this horrible little jumble something.”
Ah, now we’re up to an intermezzo. Which, technically, is kind of correct I suppose. But probably still a tad too fancy a word to be applying to on hold music. It’s just on hold music. It’s suppose to be bland and generic. Not a, er, intermezzo razzmatazz. But seriously, let it go. I don’t know how or why this is stuck in your craw so, but you need to move on with your life as it doesn’t sound like it has too many years left in it.
SC: “Anyway, whatEVER! I am not at all pleased with that.”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you own at least 10 or more porcelain cats. Yes, that’s right. Porcelain cats. The harbingers of senility. Porcelain figurines of anything really are a grave warning sign. You know what I’m talking about. Everyone has had one older relative or family friend when they were a kid who was nice enough on the surface but when you visited their house you did so under the unflinching gaze of at least a couple hundred unfeeling porcelain animal eyes. There would always be a candy dish located somewhere as well typically on the coffee table. With candy you had never seen before and had no idea exactly how old it was or how long it had been there. As it had no indentifying markings of any sort and they were all a flavour mixture of “Mint”, “Licorice” and/or “Pavement”. It also smelled exactly like your grandparents.
The Porcelain Cat Threat Level basically has three brackets to children: A collection in the single digits was safe enough. A double digit count is “Mom, can we go yet?” and a triple digit count is “Mom, please don’t leave me alone here”.
God help you if they advanced to crystal ducks though.
The War Of The Roses......Still
The situation between Mr and Mrs Brown is apparently still going on. Yet has miraculously still not escalated into a second degree murder charge for either party. It has, however, escalated into “Loud, hard, spiteful walking”. I can see loud and hard, but I’m not sure how one walks spitefully per say.
Ugh
SC: “I didn’t wake you up, did I?”
Normally, I loathe that “joke”. However, I sense genuine concern in your voice. You actually believed that I was simply sleeping here……in the office I guess, and that you rudely interrupted my slumber. If such a scenario were true, I would not concern yourself over it. Because it would mean that I was a raving idiot as it would imply I would be inexplicable and intentionally sleeping at the office……directly next to a phone. In which case your conscience should be clear. Whilst I should be subject to scorn and ridicule.
Naked Justice
C: “I just had an attempted break and enter.”
Attempted, you say? Most unfortunate, but I trust you were able to thwart this scallywag?
C: “I didn’t get a good look at the suspect. I chased him down, but this guy was very fast and I didn't have anything on. So I lost sight of him after he got downstairs.”
….wait wait, back up a moment. So you were at home, you heard someone trying to break in your front door and your first reaction was to throw open the door, naked, and chase him all the way out of the building….naked. Normally, I would have given you the advantage due to a lack of, er, wind resistance. However, I don’t think your target was very fast so much as horrifically aware he was being chased by an angry naked man of dubious intent. I imagine he was being driven forward not by a fear of the law, but by a fear of the possible events which might occur should you yourself catch him and how many years of therapy it would take to get over them.
Though I must admit that’s a hell of a crime deterrent. Some of the local security companies around here should give that a whirl. Property crime would plummet like a rock. No, seriously. If you were a criminal scoping out a place to rob, which would deter you more: A building with a “Secured By ADT” sign on the front lawn? Or a building where there’s a totally naked dude sitting out front on a lawn chair with nothing by a walkie talkie and a pair of handcuffs?
We could eliminate property crime in the city in under a month.
Puppies!
As I was sitting on the Skytrain this evening, pretending to sleep so I would hopefully be left alone, I heard a most curious inquiry from the end of the train: “Can anyone spare me a few bucks so I can feed my puppy?!”. Which, I must admit, is a new one on me, even with my torrid years of experience riding transit in this city. Naturally, this began right after Broadway Station of course. People tend to think Granville is strange at night, but it’s not Granville’s fault really. Stuff just flows down river from Broadway.
The disheveled creature emitting this strange inquiry waded ever closer to my position as we approached Stadium. Repeating his demand to every single person on the train from directly inside their personal space. Spreading a wave of awkwardness and fear as he went. As he approached me, I immediately feigned death. It’s a little known fact, but this actually works on both bears and the mentally unstable. So really, if you ever get cornered on public transit by someone demanding you return his weasel ( ...and....yes I've had this happen before actually. Remind me to tell you guys about that. ), just flop over in your seat. They’ll eventually lose interest and wander away.
After canvassing the entire length of the train for puppy cash, he became irate and demanded “Why won’t anyone help me with my puppy?!”. To which, if I were to honestly answer that question, it’s because you apparently named your puppy “Crystal Meth”. Luckily, we were pulling into Granville at this point and everyone was able to flee the train. Myself included. However, as I soon discovered, escape was only temporary.
As I was waiting for the light to change a block up, I once again heard the familiar question from behind me: “Can anyone spare a few bucks so I can feed my puppy?!?”. It had followed us up to street level and was still desperately searching for currency with which to buy “Puppy chow”. Which I guess is what the kids call it these days. Unfortunately, he managed to stumble right up into the personal space of some immensely drunk guy waiting for a bus by the corner. Resulting in the following exchange:
“Can you spare a few bucks so I can feed my puppy?!”
“What?! Why the hell would I do that?!”
“DON’T SHOUT! YOU SCARED MY PUPPY!!”
At which point I realized he actually thinks he has a puppy with him right this moment. Despite glaring evidence to the contrary. It was at this point that I decided perhaps it was best to hurry across the street, even if I did run the risk of being struck by a bus. The last thing I heard as I fled was him complaining that the phantom puppy had somehow run away from him.
Hopefully, it did not follow me to the office.
The War Of The Roses.....again
SC: “Army Boots is stomping around again. That’s what I’m calling her now, Army Boots.”
Well, it is a step up from “That Bitch” at least. On a side note, congratulations! Unless the account history deceives me, this is officially your 30th call this week! Just 20 more calls and you win a free foot long sub.
Er...
SC: “I need to reach the strapping room.”
….The…..Strapping Room you say? Is that a business? Or a description? Or both? Based on the name, I’m assuming its either a gym or…..er…..a male strip club? Well, either way I can’t help you. Our office lacks gym equipment and I fear I can’t dance overly well either. So you’d be disappointed on both counts.
......
Me: “Sorry, you have the wrong number.”
SC: “AhhhhhhhAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHahhhhhhhhhh, okay.”
I’m…..er…glad you understand?
The Very Next Day
It’s still not safe out there. Even this morning when I was on my way home. As I approached Granville I heard a desperate, somewhat sloshed voice from behind me begin to yell “Sir! Sir! Exchush me! Sir!”. Now, if there is one thing I’ve learned about downtown Vancouver in my years in this city, it’s that if anyone calls out to you from behind you never look back. Just keep on walking and pretend you didn’t hear. If you turn back you run the risk of making eye contact. In which case all is lost.
However, as I persisted in my non-acknowledgement, the plea turned to “Can you spare a few bucks so I can feed my puppy?!“ at which point I am not ashamed to admit I began a rather hurried speed walk. As fast as I could go without breaking into a sprint and drawing further attention to myself.
I feared I would trigger some sort of pursuit instinct if I bolted out right.
Riiiight....
“Bye for now.”
I realize this is just a figure of speech for you. But you must realize that for us operators, it really comes across as more of a threat. Honestly, you should just try and avoid anything that implies you’re going to call again later. So “Bye for now”, “Talk to you later”, “See you later”, “Catch you later”, “I’ll get you next time, Gadget. Next time!”, you know. Anything like that.
Thanks
C: “Oh, hi, is Frank from the Montreal office. Are you aware of the Tsunami watch in Vancouver?”
Me: “Yes.”
C: “Oh, alright. Just wanted to let you guys know.”
Thanks for the heads up! Unfortunately, you’re calling some odd 5 hours after the actual Tsunami warning. Luckily, it should only be around a meter or so high by the time it reaches us. However, had the epicenter been any closer your timely warning would have gone unanswered. As I would be too busy clinging to the pillar next to my cubicle trying not to be washed away through one of the windows out into the newly formed Lake Granville.
I'll Get Right On That
SC: “My daughter and her husband and her 6 kids were turned back at the border because he has some assault and robbery charges from a few years ago.”
Alright….much as I adore exposition during my calls, I’m not seeing anything here just yet that would require me to invoke a response from our on call lawyer. You’re going to have to up your game here, my friend. I don’t unleash this unspeakable power for just anything you know. Is he being arrested? Is he in custody? Did he inadvertently summon Cthulu to devour our world? Because those are really the only 3 scenarios that require me to contact anyone on this account: Arrest, Custody, Cthulu.
SC: “So my daughter now has to drive back alll the way back to Surrey to drop him off, then drive back to Seattle in the middle of the night with 6 kids to catch a plane at 10 in the morning!”
.....and? What? You want us to seek an official apology from the US government for you, for the terrible sin of inconveniencing your daughter? I have a novel idea you may wish to pass along to her when you get the chance: Don’t marry a criminal if you plan travelling internationally. Strange idea, I know. But you’d be surprised how much more effective it is when you try to take a family trip and no one in the family use to knock off convience stores for a living.
annnnd rest.
A Moment Of Mourning
MC Shake & Bake was nowhere to be seen this evening. I can only assume that he has succumbed to Bubonic Swine Hepatitus. Let us observe a very small moment of silence for the loss of talent our world has surely suffered………..right, all done.
Porcelain Cats
Me: “How may I help you?”
SC: “Well, first of all you could put some different music on for the on hold music. You put this awful razzmatazz!”
……razzmatazz…..I don’t really think our on hold music qualifies as razzmatazz as that kind of implies some sort of excitement occuring. It’s really more of of a brain numbing elevator jazz. That aside though you sound….actually kind of offended somehow that our on hold music does not meet your standards. But that can’t be right, because that would be crazy and I’m sure you’re a perfectly normal 107 year old person.
SC: “YOU put this HORRIBLE music on!”
You’re…not going to let this go are you? You’re seriously upset about this somehow? I do not understand. Precisely what did you expect to get as on hold music? Playing any actual music brings up a myriad of licensing concerns. That’s why every company on the planet uses a generic little on hold tune. It’s because it’s cheaper and won’t get us sued.
SC: “Why is that?!”
….Why? Wait, you really want me to explain why? It bothers you that much that you cannot rest and allow this call to proceed until you have an answer? I’m afraid despite all the glaring evidence you’re presenting, I’m still having trouble accepting your problem is real. As it seems too absurd for the average person to seriously consider.
It’s not too late, you can still laugh this all off as a joke. But only if you move quickly. This your last chance to salvage this conversation. We can still let bygones be bygones and I can still possibly take you and your call seriously.
SC: “You should tell your boss! Here I was listening to this wonderful, musical production on the radio then I call you and you’re putting on this intermezzo music which is this horrible little jumble something.”
Ah, now we’re up to an intermezzo. Which, technically, is kind of correct I suppose. But probably still a tad too fancy a word to be applying to on hold music. It’s just on hold music. It’s suppose to be bland and generic. Not a, er, intermezzo razzmatazz. But seriously, let it go. I don’t know how or why this is stuck in your craw so, but you need to move on with your life as it doesn’t sound like it has too many years left in it.
SC: “Anyway, whatEVER! I am not at all pleased with that.”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you own at least 10 or more porcelain cats. Yes, that’s right. Porcelain cats. The harbingers of senility. Porcelain figurines of anything really are a grave warning sign. You know what I’m talking about. Everyone has had one older relative or family friend when they were a kid who was nice enough on the surface but when you visited their house you did so under the unflinching gaze of at least a couple hundred unfeeling porcelain animal eyes. There would always be a candy dish located somewhere as well typically on the coffee table. With candy you had never seen before and had no idea exactly how old it was or how long it had been there. As it had no indentifying markings of any sort and they were all a flavour mixture of “Mint”, “Licorice” and/or “Pavement”. It also smelled exactly like your grandparents.
The Porcelain Cat Threat Level basically has three brackets to children: A collection in the single digits was safe enough. A double digit count is “Mom, can we go yet?” and a triple digit count is “Mom, please don’t leave me alone here”.
God help you if they advanced to crystal ducks though.
The War Of The Roses......Still
The situation between Mr and Mrs Brown is apparently still going on. Yet has miraculously still not escalated into a second degree murder charge for either party. It has, however, escalated into “Loud, hard, spiteful walking”. I can see loud and hard, but I’m not sure how one walks spitefully per say.
Ugh
SC: “I didn’t wake you up, did I?”
Normally, I loathe that “joke”. However, I sense genuine concern in your voice. You actually believed that I was simply sleeping here……in the office I guess, and that you rudely interrupted my slumber. If such a scenario were true, I would not concern yourself over it. Because it would mean that I was a raving idiot as it would imply I would be inexplicable and intentionally sleeping at the office……directly next to a phone. In which case your conscience should be clear. Whilst I should be subject to scorn and ridicule.
Naked Justice
C: “I just had an attempted break and enter.”
Attempted, you say? Most unfortunate, but I trust you were able to thwart this scallywag?
C: “I didn’t get a good look at the suspect. I chased him down, but this guy was very fast and I didn't have anything on. So I lost sight of him after he got downstairs.”
….wait wait, back up a moment. So you were at home, you heard someone trying to break in your front door and your first reaction was to throw open the door, naked, and chase him all the way out of the building….naked. Normally, I would have given you the advantage due to a lack of, er, wind resistance. However, I don’t think your target was very fast so much as horrifically aware he was being chased by an angry naked man of dubious intent. I imagine he was being driven forward not by a fear of the law, but by a fear of the possible events which might occur should you yourself catch him and how many years of therapy it would take to get over them.
Though I must admit that’s a hell of a crime deterrent. Some of the local security companies around here should give that a whirl. Property crime would plummet like a rock. No, seriously. If you were a criminal scoping out a place to rob, which would deter you more: A building with a “Secured By ADT” sign on the front lawn? Or a building where there’s a totally naked dude sitting out front on a lawn chair with nothing by a walkie talkie and a pair of handcuffs?
We could eliminate property crime in the city in under a month.
Puppies!
As I was sitting on the Skytrain this evening, pretending to sleep so I would hopefully be left alone, I heard a most curious inquiry from the end of the train: “Can anyone spare me a few bucks so I can feed my puppy?!”. Which, I must admit, is a new one on me, even with my torrid years of experience riding transit in this city. Naturally, this began right after Broadway Station of course. People tend to think Granville is strange at night, but it’s not Granville’s fault really. Stuff just flows down river from Broadway.
The disheveled creature emitting this strange inquiry waded ever closer to my position as we approached Stadium. Repeating his demand to every single person on the train from directly inside their personal space. Spreading a wave of awkwardness and fear as he went. As he approached me, I immediately feigned death. It’s a little known fact, but this actually works on both bears and the mentally unstable. So really, if you ever get cornered on public transit by someone demanding you return his weasel ( ...and....yes I've had this happen before actually. Remind me to tell you guys about that. ), just flop over in your seat. They’ll eventually lose interest and wander away.
After canvassing the entire length of the train for puppy cash, he became irate and demanded “Why won’t anyone help me with my puppy?!”. To which, if I were to honestly answer that question, it’s because you apparently named your puppy “Crystal Meth”. Luckily, we were pulling into Granville at this point and everyone was able to flee the train. Myself included. However, as I soon discovered, escape was only temporary.
As I was waiting for the light to change a block up, I once again heard the familiar question from behind me: “Can anyone spare a few bucks so I can feed my puppy?!?”. It had followed us up to street level and was still desperately searching for currency with which to buy “Puppy chow”. Which I guess is what the kids call it these days. Unfortunately, he managed to stumble right up into the personal space of some immensely drunk guy waiting for a bus by the corner. Resulting in the following exchange:
“Can you spare a few bucks so I can feed my puppy?!”
“What?! Why the hell would I do that?!”
“DON’T SHOUT! YOU SCARED MY PUPPY!!”
At which point I realized he actually thinks he has a puppy with him right this moment. Despite glaring evidence to the contrary. It was at this point that I decided perhaps it was best to hurry across the street, even if I did run the risk of being struck by a bus. The last thing I heard as I fled was him complaining that the phantom puppy had somehow run away from him.
Hopefully, it did not follow me to the office.
The War Of The Roses.....again
SC: “Army Boots is stomping around again. That’s what I’m calling her now, Army Boots.”
Well, it is a step up from “That Bitch” at least. On a side note, congratulations! Unless the account history deceives me, this is officially your 30th call this week! Just 20 more calls and you win a free foot long sub.
Er...
SC: “I need to reach the strapping room.”
….The…..Strapping Room you say? Is that a business? Or a description? Or both? Based on the name, I’m assuming its either a gym or…..er…..a male strip club? Well, either way I can’t help you. Our office lacks gym equipment and I fear I can’t dance overly well either. So you’d be disappointed on both counts.
......
Me: “Sorry, you have the wrong number.”
SC: “AhhhhhhhAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHahhhhhhhhhh, okay.”
I’m…..er…glad you understand?
The Very Next Day
It’s still not safe out there. Even this morning when I was on my way home. As I approached Granville I heard a desperate, somewhat sloshed voice from behind me begin to yell “Sir! Sir! Exchush me! Sir!”. Now, if there is one thing I’ve learned about downtown Vancouver in my years in this city, it’s that if anyone calls out to you from behind you never look back. Just keep on walking and pretend you didn’t hear. If you turn back you run the risk of making eye contact. In which case all is lost.
However, as I persisted in my non-acknowledgement, the plea turned to “Can you spare a few bucks so I can feed my puppy?!“ at which point I am not ashamed to admit I began a rather hurried speed walk. As fast as I could go without breaking into a sprint and drawing further attention to myself.
I feared I would trigger some sort of pursuit instinct if I bolted out right.
Riiiight....
“Bye for now.”
I realize this is just a figure of speech for you. But you must realize that for us operators, it really comes across as more of a threat. Honestly, you should just try and avoid anything that implies you’re going to call again later. So “Bye for now”, “Talk to you later”, “See you later”, “Catch you later”, “I’ll get you next time, Gadget. Next time!”, you know. Anything like that.
Thanks
C: “Oh, hi, is Frank from the Montreal office. Are you aware of the Tsunami watch in Vancouver?”
Me: “Yes.”
C: “Oh, alright. Just wanted to let you guys know.”
Thanks for the heads up! Unfortunately, you’re calling some odd 5 hours after the actual Tsunami warning. Luckily, it should only be around a meter or so high by the time it reaches us. However, had the epicenter been any closer your timely warning would have gone unanswered. As I would be too busy clinging to the pillar next to my cubicle trying not to be washed away through one of the windows out into the newly formed Lake Granville.
I'll Get Right On That
SC: “My daughter and her husband and her 6 kids were turned back at the border because he has some assault and robbery charges from a few years ago.”
Alright….much as I adore exposition during my calls, I’m not seeing anything here just yet that would require me to invoke a response from our on call lawyer. You’re going to have to up your game here, my friend. I don’t unleash this unspeakable power for just anything you know. Is he being arrested? Is he in custody? Did he inadvertently summon Cthulu to devour our world? Because those are really the only 3 scenarios that require me to contact anyone on this account: Arrest, Custody, Cthulu.
SC: “So my daughter now has to drive back alll the way back to Surrey to drop him off, then drive back to Seattle in the middle of the night with 6 kids to catch a plane at 10 in the morning!”
.....and? What? You want us to seek an official apology from the US government for you, for the terrible sin of inconveniencing your daughter? I have a novel idea you may wish to pass along to her when you get the chance: Don’t marry a criminal if you plan travelling internationally. Strange idea, I know. But you’d be surprised how much more effective it is when you try to take a family trip and no one in the family use to knock off convience stores for a living.
annnnd rest.
.
.
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