For Immediate Release!

[dalesys]

For Immediate Release!

Great Expectations Technology, your expert resource, Access Security Sentry Optimized User Tracking is proud to announce another innovation furthering our core Mission Statement value of Efficiency in Ecology.

Exhaustive research has proven that the best way to increase efficiency is to reduce waste of time, materials, and productivity. Equally important, reducing waste minimizes our ecological impact.

Coordinating these threads, we have extended the usage of our Access Security Sentry (ASS™) cards to a new function. Our team members already use these proprietary cards for parking, facility entry/exit, vending machines, drinking fountain, cafeteria, banking, job-costing, workstation login, exertion/health monitor, and personnel location.

As a progressive organization, we are proud to be the first in the world to install card readers on all stalls in the restrooms. Your employee profile has been updated with daily quotas on usage. Your supervisor will get a report if you go over your quota of time and/or frequency. Special needs will require affidavits from at least three (3) independent doctors approved by our HMO.

To minimize the time wasted producing waste, after three minutes the toilet paper rolls will be retracted into the wall (TP will not be dispensed until sufficient waste has been deposited).

Health regulations require that we prevent any employees from leaving in an unsanitary condition, so the toilets have been fitted with high pressure bidets. To avoid unwaranted pleasure the bidets are plumbed through brine chillers, as used for skating rinks, with a temperature of 5°F (-15°C). If you can hear the screams, the violated is in the mens room. If the guard dogs go nuts, they aren’t.

In the mens rooms (tours available on request & security clearance) visitors will noticed that the ceilings have been tiled. This is so the stand-up comics workers cannot evade responsibility: when the time is up, the electric fence charger connected to the urinal is fired up.

User testimonial: “I always wanted a long one, but not so skinny!”

Another premium installation by Great Expectations Technology, your expert resource, Access Security Sentry Optimized User Tracking (GETYERASSOUT) .