Thanks for the educational emails...

[BookstoreEscapee]

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the
years. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or
have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
bacteria on the lemon peel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room
because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping
through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what
has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because
the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose
(although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of Trans Fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor
of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every
can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time..

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers..

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. disfiguring me
for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda
, Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown
recluse and my hand will fall off.

And I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes
over 6 ft. out of the commode.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.

Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician . . .

Oh, by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy
study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read
their e-mail with their hand on the mouse..

Don 't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

I love it. An oldie but goodie.

[Beckduer]

Oh, by the way..... A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy
study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read
their e-mail with their hand on the mouse..

Don 't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

I have seen the rest before, but not this last part. Made me LOL because, what was I doing? And what did I do as I read it?

[BookstoreEscapee]

I have seen the rest before, but not this last part. Made me LOL because, what was I doing? And what did I do as I read it?

Well, as I pointed out to my friend who sent it to me, the email is too long to fit on the screen, so you have to scroll down, so you have to read with your hand on the mouse.

[Chromatix]

Lucky me then. I use a MacBook Pro, so I can scroll down with two fingers on the trackpad - and take them off afterwards!

Or, you know, you could use the PgDn key.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Lucky me then. I use a MacBook Pro, so I can scroll down with two fingers on the trackpad - and take them off afterwards!

Or, you know, you could use the PgDn key.

I can do that, too but I was reading it at work. No laptop there.

[ArcticChicken]

I have seen the rest before, but not this last part. Made me LOL because, what was I doing? And what did I do as I read it?

I was chewing my nails.