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To my customers at the Store;
There is no romaine lettuce.
We threw out all the romaine lettuce.
We did this because the CDC has advised all consumers and retailers nationwide to dispose of all romaine lettuce, immediately and until further notice, due to an E.coli outbreak connected to romaine lettuce of unknown origin.
That's why there is no romaine lettuce.
There isn't any in the back either.
We're not getting any in tonight either.
We don't know when we'll be getting more. We're waiting until the Powers That Be tell us it's OK.
We don't have any Caesar salad mix. This is because Caesar salad mix contains romaine lettuce and there is no romaine lettuce.
We don't have any packaged romaine hearts. This is because romaine hearts are romaine lettuce and there is no romaine lettuce.
There should be a sign, you say? There are several. You may have noticed them hanging on the empty shelves where the romaine lettuce would be if there were any romaine lettuce, which there is not.
No, I'm not going to call our location in the Next Town Over to ask if they have any romaine lettuce, because there is no romaine lettuce.
Yes, I'm happy to give you contact numbers for my boss and/or the corporate office. They will also inform you that there is no romaine lettuce.
You're free to take your business to a competitor if you wish. They won't have any romaine lettuce either, because there is no romaine lettuce.
No, I don't care that I've ruined Thanksgiving. I already ruined Halloween this year by running out of pumpkin-carving kits before Halloween itself, so now all I need is to ruin someone's Christmas and I'll have the trifecta. (And who serves salad with Thanksgiving dinner anyway?)
Have you tried butter lettuce? I've heard good things about it. We've got Brussels sprouts on sale. They're delicious sautéed in bacon grease. Perhaps I could interest you in some rhubarb.
No? Well, suit yourself.
Utterly bereft of romaine lettuce,
-Smapti
PS: No, we don't have any 25-pound turkeys left. It's 11:30 PM on the night before Thanksgiving. How are you even going to thaw it in time for dinner?
There is no romaine lettuce.
We threw out all the romaine lettuce.
We did this because the CDC has advised all consumers and retailers nationwide to dispose of all romaine lettuce, immediately and until further notice, due to an E.coli outbreak connected to romaine lettuce of unknown origin.
That's why there is no romaine lettuce.
There isn't any in the back either.
We're not getting any in tonight either.
We don't know when we'll be getting more. We're waiting until the Powers That Be tell us it's OK.
We don't have any Caesar salad mix. This is because Caesar salad mix contains romaine lettuce and there is no romaine lettuce.
We don't have any packaged romaine hearts. This is because romaine hearts are romaine lettuce and there is no romaine lettuce.
There should be a sign, you say? There are several. You may have noticed them hanging on the empty shelves where the romaine lettuce would be if there were any romaine lettuce, which there is not.
No, I'm not going to call our location in the Next Town Over to ask if they have any romaine lettuce, because there is no romaine lettuce.
Yes, I'm happy to give you contact numbers for my boss and/or the corporate office. They will also inform you that there is no romaine lettuce.
You're free to take your business to a competitor if you wish. They won't have any romaine lettuce either, because there is no romaine lettuce.
No, I don't care that I've ruined Thanksgiving. I already ruined Halloween this year by running out of pumpkin-carving kits before Halloween itself, so now all I need is to ruin someone's Christmas and I'll have the trifecta. (And who serves salad with Thanksgiving dinner anyway?)
Have you tried butter lettuce? I've heard good things about it. We've got Brussels sprouts on sale. They're delicious sautéed in bacon grease. Perhaps I could interest you in some rhubarb.
No? Well, suit yourself.
Utterly bereft of romaine lettuce,
-Smapti
PS: No, we don't have any 25-pound turkeys left. It's 11:30 PM on the night before Thanksgiving. How are you even going to thaw it in time for dinner?
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