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  • #16
    Mine are parking lot related:

    -Stop making lightsaber noises with the traffic flashlights.
    -Don't sing the Oompa Loompa song when your boss is around
    -Do not hides cones in bushes to confuse coworkers you do not like
    -Stop cutting people off on the radio even if we do hate the person talking
    -Don't drive the trucks like you're in New York City
    -Do not get girls phone numbers when directing traffic, even if she is interested in you
    -Do not act like an astronaut when wearing the snowsuits
    -Do not play drums on the barrels with your hands or any object you find
    -Quit making up religions when working religious conferences
    -Swearing at customers in Japanese has got to stop
    -Same goes with coworkers
    -Quit sending people the wrong way on purpose no matter how bored you are
    -Don't take food from your mom even if she works at the arena also and she gives your supervisor food
    -Do not say that the team I work for sucks and suggest other sports to follow
    -Stop making up tour names for the concert that is taking place
    -No, you cannot bring your sword to slash a customer's tire even if they deserve it
    -Leave your pocketknife at home too
    -Stop impersonating coworker's voices no matter how funny it is
    -Quit singing Bob Dylan's Maggie's Farm when working
    -Same goes for Beck's Soul Suckin Jerk
    -Don't throw snowballs at a customer's car or supervisor
    -Stop using the cones as a way to amplify your voice
    -Do not pass around the Department of Labor phone number
    -Quit wearing a different name tag for each event
    -Do not tell customers where the scalpers hang out
    -Quit telling customers to learn how to read no matter how dumb they are
    -Do not criticize the customer's car
    -No dancing to the music playing from the outdoor theaters
    -I can't hit on my coworker even though there are 5 others doing the same thing and more
    -Stop playing soccer with any random object
    -Same goes for frisbee
    -Do not intimidate the customers by picking up a light barrel and holding it over your head to prove a point
    -Stop making cracks about the executives
    -Quit confusing my boss with words I know and he doesn't
    -Don't tell customers that we charge for parking because we're entertained by their reactions
    -Quit singing songs that annoy the crap out of our coworkers
    -Quit speaking to customers in riddles
    -Do not make jokes about our equipment managers
    -Don't say there is a BS in boss to my boss
    -Quit hiding my long hair in a hat
    -Stop saying the customer's taste in music sucks
    -Making anagrams of my coworkers names and putting it on the shift board is not allowed
    -Do not laugh at customers who don't know that general and regular have the same meaning
    -Trash duty is not Puke Time
    -Suggesting that one of the female supervisors wants the guys to be eunuch is not allowed or true
    -Even if most of my department agrees with me
    -Suggesting to go shirtless is not allowed no matter how hot it is
    -Pointing out cosmetic surgery on customers is not funny
    -Even if my coworker is doing the same
    -Telling new people that they signed a death wish is not funny
    -Ditto for selling their soul
    -Suggesting that we burn one of the old trucks is not allowed
    -Same goes with destroying it with a sledgehammer
    -Wearing female name tags is not funny
    -I am not allowed to tell the customers to show up early so I can go home early
    -Do not point out the customer's bad taste in clothes
    -Wearing my favorite soccer team's hat is not allowed
    -Singing I want to Break Free needs to stop
    -Saying that there is a porno going on in a customer's car over the radio needs to stop
    -Stop doing sudoku puzzles when you're working
    -Water fights are not allowed
    -Making up your own cultures is not a good idea
    -Lifting a stack of 25 cones and waving them around is grounds for termination
    -Having an obstacle course set up for the cars is not allowed and will get me suspended
    -Stop playing horseshoes with the cones
    -Giving the peace sign to customers shouldn't be done
    -Even though the show is a hippie festival and they've been flashing it at me
    -Taking pictures of other departments slacking off will get us in trouble
    -Even if we're going to show them to the boss to tell him to lighten when there's a group of 2 and they have a group of 50
    -Using soccer defensive tactics to stop customers from cutting through the chains is not allowed.
    -Even if some supervisors like the idea.
    -The limos do not carry "pre-drunks"
    -The restaurant bus did not learn how to drive from NYC cab drivers.
    -Suggesting to a supervisor to get his own radio station is not a good idea.
    -Even if he hogs the radio waves and the whole department agrees.
    -It is not a good idea to give common sense lessons to customers that forget their cash.
    -Calling one of the supervisors a "frat idiot" is not allowed.
    -Even if he is one and tries to give others his work.
    -The supervisor's son is not a slacker or a weakling.
    -Even though he does slack and whines about how much cones he has to pick up.
    -Playing football in the parking lot is not allowed.
    -Despite the fact that the manager in charge BROUGHT a football.
    -I am not the Parking version of the "Soup Nazi"
    -Adressing the ex-Navy supervisor as Admiral? Bad idea
    -Playing soccer with a kickball you found inside the building is not a great idea
    -Stop looking up words in the dictionary to confuse customers with
    -The new employees do not get initiated
    -Corporate is not run by drunk monkeys
    -Even if their policies look like they are run by them
    -Leaving love notes for the FCC over the radio isn't funny
    -Our department head is not a gossiper
    -My supervisor is not the definition of a weasel. Even if he is one
    -The old truck is not to be junked
    -Even if it has caught fire twice and somehow survived
    -Writing out a crowd type book for certain events is not funny
    -The rain gear pants are not martial arts pants
    Last edited by ArenaBoy; 12-19-2006, 04:58 AM. Reason: More info
    The Grand Galactic Inquisitor hears all and sees all.

    Comment


    • #17
      More of these are true than I care to admit.

      Things I am not allowed to do at the bars or restaurants I have worked at:

      1. Full length hooded black capes are NOT part of the uniform.
      2. Neither are swords.
      3. Or pellet guns.
      4. Or water guns, fun though they may be.
      5. I shouldn't tell the guests that I am "in tight" with Jim, Jack, and Jose.
      6. Or laugh at the customers who don't get that joke.
      7. Or laugh at large customers when they order a 7 course meal...and a Diet Coke.
      8. I shouldn't laugh at my boss behind his back.
      9. Or to his face.
      10. I probably should not ask my boss's boss "how's it hanging?"
      11. Or tell him his girlfriend/wife is a hottie.
      12. There is no illness that requires me to take "medicinal" shots of liquor at while I am working.
      13. This is not David Letterman. Cut it out with the "Stupid Tray Tricks."
      14. I should not break down laughing when I open my paycheck in front of customers.
      15. Or in tears.
      16. People who don't want another round are not "pansies." Or "cowards."
      17. I should not take out an ad in "Soldier of Fortune" for a mercenary to take out my boss. No matter how much I feel he/she deserves it.
      18. Easter Sunday is not a good day to wait tables in roller blades.
      19. Or while wearing my bicycle helmet.
      20. Sliding a mug of beer all the way down the bar to a waiting patron? Not recommended.
      21. I should not tell customers about the dead body my manager found that morning....before I tell them about that day's meat specials.
      22. It is probably a bad idea to make fun of the tourists....where they can hear me.
      23. I will not don a HazMat suit to serve that one customer his "extra extra extra extra spicy" wings.
      24. Today's special is NOT "free tequila for the kids!"
      25. I should not ask an unruly child if he has any younger brothers or sisters, and when he answers yes, ask "You ever wonder WHY?"
      26. I should not tell parents of unruly children that our city has a leash law.
      27. I should not get scantily clad women to dance on the bar.
      28. At breakfast.
      29. Our company motto is NOT "Come in, sit down, order, shut up, eat, pay, tip, get out!"
      30. Playing Ultimate Frisbee with cocktail trays in the dining room is frowned upon.
      31. Even more so with plates.
      32. Juggling bottles is not a good idea.
      33. Especially when I am not standing on any mats or carpet.
      34. Strip poker really needs to wait until after hours.
      35. I am not allowed to throw the change in the face of the cheap people who leave JUST coin change for a tip. On a large bill. No matter how much I am justified.
      36. While I AM allowed to put a curse on annoying and/or cheap people and their families for ten generations, I am NOT allowed to do so OUT LOUD WHERE THEY CAN HEAR ME.
      37. I really shouldn't tell trainees, "This is how management WANTS us to do something...but this is how we REALLY do it."
      38. Breakdancing during the dinner rush in the middle of the dining room? Not endorsed.
      39. I am not permitted to offer guests "joost a waifer theen meent...."
      40. Making smiley faces on their dessert is vaguely funny. On their steak it's not.
      41. We do NOT serve fermunda cheese!
      42. "Live long and prosper" is not the company endorsed way to say goodbye to our patrons!
      43. Neither is "May the force be with you," "Go forth and multiply," or "Sig Heil!" Especially not that last one.
      44. While I am allowed to wear a costume on Halloween, wearing only roller skates and going as a "pull toy" is NOT an appropriate costume!
      45. We do not refer to the liquor as "tasty toxins."
      46. A sundae without nuts is not a "female sundae."
      47. "Splitting the check" does NOT mean ripping the bill in two and giving each party half!
      48. I cannot snicker uncontrallably when a woman aks for "extra pickles."
      49. Ditto for cucumbers.
      50. And nuts.
      51. A Grey Goose and Red Bull is NOT a "Farmyard Special!"
      52. There is never an appropriate time to play "chicken."
      53. He is the cook or the chef. He is not "The Culinary Mack Daddy!"
      54. I will not tell applicants to "Run while you still can!"
      55. When guests ask me to suggest something good, I cannot direct them to our competitor.
      56. Or draw them a map.
      57. Sitting down on the job is frowned upon. Sitting down on the guests is strictly forbidden.
      58. I should not tell guests that we "discontinued" our bathroom.
      59. I will not tell guests who ask for change to "try listening to more jazz."
      60. I will not ask a large woman drinking a Dutch beer if she is "ready for another Heiny."
      61. Same with a stoner and "more Bud."
      62. Marilyn Manson is NOT appropriate breakfast rush music.
      63. When I'ma delivering pasta to-a the table, I willa notta put onna cheezy fake Italiano accent.
      64. Lobby. Polka. No. Bad Jester. BAD Jester!
      65. I will not introduce myself to a table as Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy, or Richard Ramirez. Even if that actually IS my name.
      66. I cannot use a "blowgun" made from a straw and toothpicks on those who annoy me.
      67. I definitely cannot use a real blowgun. Pity.
      68. There are many acceptable responses to "Are you open?" "To what?" is not one of them.
      69. I probably should not mock people who order light beer by referring to it as "water with beer-flavor added." The truth notwithstanding.

      "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
      Still A Customer."

      Comment


      • #18
        Thanks for saving the original list . . . I just thought of a couple more to add:

        No playing hockey on the rooftop during business hours

        No closing the store to go to a funeral home, either.

        I'm surprised these two hadn't already made it to the list.

        Human Resources - the adult version of "I'm telling Mom." - Agent Anthony "Tony" DiNozzo (NCIS)

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        • #19
          Mad props and warm fuzzies to DGoddess for the Clerks references!!!!!
          Unseen but seeing
          oh dear, now they're masquerading as sane-KiaKat
          There isn't enough interpretive dance in the workplace these days-Irv
          3rd shift needs love, too
          RIP, mo bhrionglóid

          Comment


          • #20
            54. I will not tell applicants to "Run while you still can!"
            guilty
            I AM the evil bastard!
            A+ Certified IT Technician

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            • #21
              One I forgot....

              70. I probably should not, upon leaving work within view of customers, pump my fists in the air triumphantly and shout "FREEDOM!"

              I probably shouldn't....but I quite often DO!

              "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
              Still A Customer."

              Comment


              • #22
                -When a customer at the deli counter declares she will "kill [her]self" because we ran out of something, I am not allowed to offer the use of our trash compacter as a suicide device.

                -Nor may I offer to push the button for her after she climbs in.

                -If I am dealing with two angry phone customers I am not allowed to patch them both into a three way call and listen while they abuse each other:
                "I called you!"

                "No, I called you. Moron!"

                "Jerk!"

                -Even if the boss finds the idea just as funny as I do.
                The best karma is letting a jerk bash himself senseless on the wall of your polite indifference.

                The stupid is strong with this one.

                Comment


                • #23
                  Quoth Dips
                  -When a customer at the deli counter declares she will "kill [her]self" because we ran out of something, I am not allowed to offer the use of our trash compacter as a suicide device.
                  LMAO . . .I need no ideas.

                  Let me add this little ditty . . .

                  No playing Superman with the floor machine while high on Benadryl (I actually witnessed this being done by a store manager of all people.)
                  Human Resources - the adult version of "I'm telling Mom." - Agent Anthony "Tony" DiNozzo (NCIS)

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    1.) If asked by an applicant if it matters that they are charged with something, but not convicted; I am not allowed to laugh.
                    2.) -I am not allowed to tell everyone about it either.
                    3.) While the applicant is still at the computer.
                    4.) Free samples are for the customers.
                    5.) If I have to ask for something with the words "Uh, could I talk with you a second?" I'm not getting it.
                    6.) Saran wrap on the toilets is not funny.
                    7.) Nor is a stink bomb just under the rim.
                    8.) When called on the in house phone, do not ask the customer to hold on while I flush.
                    9.) Do not randomly lock the unisex bathroom.
                    10.) With myself inside.
                    11.) Telling a customer that herbicide only kills the bad plants because it is smart, is wrong.
                    12.) So is convincing them to buy a bottle of it to spray over their new seed to prevent weeds from coming up.
                    13.) Electric fork lifts are not called "Star Wars."
                    14.) It is not okay to stage the Trench scene from Star Wars in the back ailse. I don't care how cool it is.
                    15.) If it does not fit in the fridge, do not force it.
                    16.) Do not tell others what color your hair is, and then prove it. (not talking head).
                    17.) Making out in the parkinglot is a no no.
                    18.) Screaming like you're being killed when working outside the compactor and you hear it cycle, is not funny and will get you terminated.
                    19.) Do not put coke cans in the microwave.
                    20.) Same goes for light bulbs. I don't care how neat it looks.
                    21.) Do not put microwave pop corn in the microwave and then wander off.
                    22.) If I smell smoke, the proper thing to do is not scream. "Man the life boats!"
                    23.) Fire is bad.
                    24.) Laughing when management forgets to close the paint door on the shaker, will have me mopping it up.
                    25.) Do not refer to customer color choices as "Puke Green."
                    26.) "Bloody Tampon Red."
                    27.) "Heroin Addict White."
                    28.) Do not grind up the plaster board and try to convince new guys it's coke.
                    29.) No asking for a cup of thinner in a styrafoam cup.
                    30.) When asked where receiving is, I am not allowed to take it myself.
                    31.) Returns should not be met with a laugh after the customer explains the problem.
                    32.) A ball peen hammer never solves anything.
                    33.) Customer service has NOT been outsourced to India.
                    34.) Don't look at me that way.
                    35.) If you can't ask for it with a straight face, you don't need it.
                    36.) Do not puke in the parkinglot when sick. Call in first.
                    37.) Do not drop frogs through the cash office slot. Just to hear the girl inside scream.
                    38.) I don't care how funny it is. Don't do it.
                    39.) If you have to ask for clarification, you weren't paying attention.
                    40.) You can not get workers comp for a paper cut.
                    41.) Nor emotional trauma.
                    Learn wisdom by the follies of others.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Things I was not allowed to do in the research lab:

                      1. No answering the phone, "Epstein-Barr and grill. How may I help you?"

                      2. While on the street moving between buildings, no flapping my lab coat like wings and cackling evilly when the tourist trolleys go by.

                      3. Even if it will make really good picture for their slide shows.

                      4. LB amp plates are fine. LB amp cockroach plates are not.

                      5. Even if the cockroach was dead when found and the autoclave sterilized it; this in no way justifies freaking out the boss.

                      6. Labelling a bottle "not necessarily distilled water" to give a co-worker pause about stealing my distilled water is a violation of OSHA regulations.

                      7. As well as the Boston Fire code.

                      8. So is putting a biohazard warning sticker on it.

                      9. Speaking of OSHA, pointing out to the hospital safety rep. that following his directions to move the bottle of acid from the floor to a shelf will give it more potential energy is not appreciated.

                      10. Dry ice is not a toy.

                      11. Nor is liquid nitrogen.

                      12. Even if it creates a really cool-looking fog effect.

                      13. Fire VERY bad.
                      The best karma is letting a jerk bash himself senseless on the wall of your polite indifference.

                      The stupid is strong with this one.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        1) Always be sure to check that the ash trays are cool before dumping them into the garbage can.

                        2) When demonstrating your ability to think of cross-merchandise display items to your grocery manager, don't suggest building a display including peanut butter, Reddi-Wip, and condoms.

                        3) Don't use the fact that you make the bathroom smell so bad nobody will want to enter it as an excuse to take a nap in there.

                        4) Failure to bring my famous cobbler to the store picnic will result in termination, carried out personally by the DM or the president of the company, both who have become addicted.

                        5) Must not laugh and tell all co-workers when the diabetic DM informs me that his wife was in a panic when he tested his sugar after eating my cobbler.

                        6) Must not refer to the president of the company as "the Dark Lord Wilki-mort"

                        7) Must not flirt with the chip vendors

                        8) Especially when the chip vendor in question is the girlfriend of one of the beer vendors.

                        9) Must not shrink-wrap and window chalk a co-worker's vehicle.

                        10) Must not eat a stick of butter

                        11) Even for $10

                        12) Especially when the person offering the $10 is probably not going to give it to you.

                        13) The samples are for customers

                        14) Even if you bring a good chunk of money to that department buying their products every week

                        15) Even though they made a point of saying in our customer service classes that employees are customers too, and in fact our best customers, and are still customers even when on the clock and should always be treated as such

                        16) Not allowed to make fun of the free donuts recorded announcement over the PA (part of our anniversary celebration)

                        17) Even if the "mmmmm.... enjoy!" does sound a little... um... questionable in intent

                        18) The pallet jacks are not scooters

                        19) Not allowed to put water bottles in the lift part of the scisor lift and drop it to make a water cannon

                        20) Probably a bad idea to make the new guy catch full cases of butter dropped from the third rack
                        "Who loves not women, wine, and song remains a fool his whole life long" ~Martin Luther
                        "Always send a lazy man to the angel of death" ~Martin Luther
                        My MySpace
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                        • #27
                          OK, I just spent a week in Williston, North Dakota helping them setup their new store. I didn't have internet access for a whole week. Anyway, here are some of mine I got from there.

                          When reading the "Rule board" and seeing that cursing is not allowed, the proper response is not, "Aw f*ck."

                          Not allowed to use company computers to surf the internet, even if I am on break.

                          Must not build stuff with the "All Purpose" Flour.

                          "Zone defence" does not involve hiding behind shelves and shooting co-workers with a Nerf gun.

                          When asked, after looking at the backroom of the old store, "What do you want to do first", the proper responce is not, "Call OSHA"

                          Ditto for "Call the Fire Marshall."

                          Do not replace the electricians colored markers with crayons.

                          Even if the electrician thinks it's funny.

                          Not allowed, near the end of a long day, to drive a pallet jack around the store while banging a peghook against the handle and scream, "BRING OUT YOUR DEAD."

                          Co-workers not allowed to be "collected".

                          Not allowed to act out that scene with a co-worker. (I don't wana ride on the cart.)

                          When unloading the truck and the front of the trailer becomes visible, do not run through the backroom screaming, "Repend ye sinners, the end is near." (That happened at the end of a 12.5 hour day.)

                          Not allowed to nap in the server room during break. (It's nice and toasty in there.)

                          Do not put bubble wrap in the bailer.

                          Even if it, "Makes a cool sound."


                          I'll have to remember more of them later. I had a great time there.
                          "Magic sometimes sounds like tape." - The Amazing Johnathan

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Quoth Crosshair View Post
                            Not allowed, near the end of a long day, to drive a pallet jack around the store while banging a peghook against the handle and scream, "BRING OUT YOUR DEAD."

                            Co-workers not allowed to be "collected".

                            Not allowed to act out that scene with a co-worker. (I don't wana ride on the cart.)

                            When unloading the truck and the front of the trailer becomes visible, do not run through the backroom screaming, "Repend ye sinners, the end is near." (That happened at the end of a 12.5 hour day.)
                            When I read these, I giggled until I cried.
                            Unseen but seeing
                            oh dear, now they're masquerading as sane-KiaKat
                            There isn't enough interpretive dance in the workplace these days-Irv
                            3rd shift needs love, too
                            RIP, mo bhrionglóid

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              A post I made for another topic reminded me of this one...

                              I cannot wander around my place of employment holding up a cup and saying "Alms for the poor" to my coworkers.
                              Unseen but seeing
                              oh dear, now they're masquerading as sane-KiaKat
                              There isn't enough interpretive dance in the workplace these days-Irv
                              3rd shift needs love, too
                              RIP, mo bhrionglóid

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                In general:

                                1) God forbid the words "You might be a redneck if" or "Here's your sign" ever leave my mouth while on the clock.

                                2) No matter how much the recipient deserves it.

                                As a giftwrapper:

                                1) I may not hoard customers' items in the back room and pretend I am a fire-breathing dragon from the days of yore.

                                2) Pretending to be a robot is also out of the question.

                                3) Covering myself with wrapping paper and claiming to be practicing to go out as a present next Halloween is a bad idea.

                                4) It's also a waste of good wrapping paper.

                                5) When I have to wrap a panini press (or other deceptively heavy object), I should not exaggerate the effort of lifting the box, nor ask if the guys put bricks in the box as a joke again.

                                6) When the guy who looks like an out-of-uniform Santa Claus comes, I am not allowed to ask him if I can have a boyfriend for Christmas.

                                As a bakery worker/bagger:

                                1) While answering a request that would break the store rules with "No, sir/ma'am," or "I'm afraid I can't do that, sir/ma'am," is acceptable, continuing with a conspiratorial whisper of anything along the lines of "Big Brother is watching," followed by a nod at the security cameras, probably isn't.

                                2) A question regarding the location of a product is not to be answered with "In here, somewhere."

                                3) A customer's purchases are not to be referred to as 'junk' or 'garbage'.

                                4) Even if they are.

                                5) When asked if bread can be sliced in a thickness other than the two choices available/if the bread slicers can have the slice width adjusted, "That's what knives were invented for" is not an appropriate reply.

                                6) If a customer comments that he/she/it has no idea where all his/her/its food is going every week (or so), I am not, under any circumstances, to tell them to look in a mirror and turn sideways.

                                7) Or is that 'turn sideways and look in a mirror'?

                                At the cookie place:

                                1) I should not, on receiving an order for "(insert number here) chocolate chip(s)," place that many individual chocolate chips into a bag, then charge the person who made the order full price.

                                2) The same goes for "(insert number here) M&M(s)," "(insert number here) sprinkle(s)" and "(insert number here) macadamia(s)".

                                3) The customers probably already know that I am not an effing telepath. Informing them of this fact will not change anything.

                                4) Even if it will make me feel better.

                                5) Similarly, there will always be customers who apparently can't read, and therefore call macadamia nuts "macadamians".

                                6) If a customer tells me to give him/her/it 'whatever,' I should not take a card, write "Whatever" on it, and sell it to him/her/it for twenty bucks.

                                7) It should probably be closer to thirty bucks, anyway.

                                8) As much as I wish otherwise, there is no such thing as an idiot tax. Just because some customers might believe me when I say there is, doesn't mean I should charge it to them.

                                As a reading tutor:

                                1) If ever I am asked by a student why they have to learn this, "Because civilization as you know it will collapse if you don't," is the wrong answer.

                                2) It only encourages them to rebel more, anyway.

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