How to approach a person

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Under no circumstances say "Wanna go out sometime?"

Sometime never arrives.

"Hey, come with me for coffee. My treat."

[Jester]

"Hey, come with me for coffee. My treat."

That can be good, but it can be bad as well. How could it be bad? Well, if the person that sparks your pilot light happens to be a sponge, and you didn't know it....well, that's a good way to suddenly have a permanent financial leach. It's like feeding neighborhood strays....a bad idea.

First time, I would just suggest the coffee, not the treating part.

Of course, I'm speaking hypothetically, as I don't drink coffee, so would never suggest it. Y'all know what I mean.

[Plaidman]

Just be yourself, and act how you USUALLY act around them, don't get too nervous, and don't get discouraged if you get turned down. It happens... and it will happen.

For some people, it only happens. There is never a yes.

[Jester]

That's true, Plaid, but no one in their twenties or so should ever say "never." It's too early in life to say "never."

More to the point, never say never. It is self-defeating, and contributes to the cycle.

[Plaidman]

That's true, Plaid, but no one in their twenties or so should ever say "never." It's too early in life to say "never."

More to the point, never say never. It is self-defeating, and contributes to the cycle.

Tried it. Doesn't work. Few years I'll be in my thirties with one relationship. I'm well aware of my flaws, and they far outwiegh what tiny pro I might have. I know what I am, and that is a insignificint bug that won't deserve any relationship.

[Jester]

Plaid, how shall I put this politely.....oh, I know.

Shut the fuck up.

Seriously. Cork it, dude. You say you are aware of your flaws. Great. Address them. And while you're at it, remember to address one major flaw you have, which is your piss-poor negative attitude. If you believe you are worthless and insignificant and not deserving of anyone's love, you will project that, and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

In my life, I have had your attitude, and I have had my current attitude, which is one of positivity. And while the positive attitude hasn't always helped me in this department, the negative attitude always hurt me. And trust me when I say I did much better with the former than with the latter.

And I am not special in that regard. That is the way humans work. That is the way we are programmed. We gravitate towards those we want to be with. And most women, at least the ones I have met on all levels, are looking for someone that is positive, that can make them feel special. People who think they are nothing are not adept at making others feel special, as they don't feel special themselves.

So enough already. You want things to change, you have to be the architect of that change. Things are not just going to change for you without any input from you. If that is what you are expecting or hoping for, you are going to be disappointed, and the cycle will continue.

To quote Jigsaw, "The choice is yours."

[Rapscallion]

Not nifty. Not everyone can do it overnight.

Rapscallion

[Jester]

I never said it was an overnight thing. It's not. It is something you must work at. But to work at it, first you have to make a decision to do so. It wasn't overnight for me. It took a long time for me to get where I am mentally and emotionally. But at one point a long time ago, I made the conscious decision to try to approach life differently.

Had I not, I would not be a optimistic and cheerful person that is 39 going on 12. I would be a bitter, jaded, cynical, unpleasant almost-forty-something. Lord knows that with many of the things that have happened to me in my life, that is a path that I could have gone down.

As Robert Frost advised, I chose the other path. And that has made all the difference.

[Plaidman]

I'm infinitly optismitic/positive for everyone. I'm well aware of the strengths of people. Everyone has a strength, or two, or twenty. I just haven't found mine if any is all.

[Jester]

I'm infinitly optismitic/positive for everyone. I'm well aware of the strengths of people. Everyone has a strength, or two, or twenty. I just haven't found mine...YET.

Fixed it for you.

[Seshat]

Plaid, here's some of yours that I've noticed:

Compassion. A *big* one.
Intelligence. I don't know what level, but above average.
Willingness to change and grow. That's *rare*.
Willingness to put effort into changing and growing. Also rare.

And those are just strengths that I, a random person on an internet forum, has noticed in you. I don't even know you particularly well on this forum.

Find a good friend - even one on this forum - who you can trust to be brutally honest, and ask them to list more of your strengths, and one or two weaknesses you could choose to work on. Then work to *both* develop the strengths and improve the weaknesses.

Than focus on being proud of your growth.

All of that will help you tremendously.

One last point: if you have clinical depression, one of the symptoms can be a delusion of worthlessness. It feels so very real because it's as real in your mind as anything else - as the chair you sit on, or the colour of your shirt.
It's a delusion. A hallucination that's isn't visual. When it comes up, remind yourself that it's a delusion, remind yourself what your brutally-honest friend thinks is good about you, and try to ride it out. Wait for it to pass.

[Flying Grype]

Mostly because I grew up with all boys, I was one of the boys. So growing up I never really looked at guys different than girls. My friends would always tell me how big of a flirt I was... but really I was just interacting how I would with anyone.

YES. Same here. But I've never seen it as a problem. The only times it's been a problem is when a guy (who I was assuming was being a friendly friend) was flirting with me and I was oblivious.

The reason it's not a problem is that I have always seen guys as people, just like other girls. In situations where there's mixed company, I was equally comfortable with everyone. Both my previous boyfriend and my current one were guys I met just through having common interests and starting out as friends.

[Food Lady]

Plaid, I don't have to post because Seshat said it all.

[Seshat]

Awww. Thank you.